Tuesday, November 30, 2004
Confused
I'm kinda at a lost now. i dunno how i should feel, how to put whatever i'm feeling into words and how to express them...
first there's terence's situation... it's just like mine, the things i'm going through/have gone through... there's the effort put in, though it never seems enough until a point where you tell urself u'd never make it and u give up. still, u're still clinging on to that bit of hope, that chance to progress and make things happen... yesterday i was dearly hoping that things will turn out fine for him cos i need exactly this kind of situation to motivate me that i can do it. but well... as friends some of us tried to help him, but sometimes i think that we are putting undue pressure on him and i dun feel gd with that... hmm...
and then there's ash's situation. i don't exactly know what to do bout it. i dun wanna get involved in certain things, but as a friend the least i can offer is support. i wonder how terence manage to handle all those stuff sometimes...
and it's not all that simple. i'm confused...
first there's terence's situation... it's just like mine, the things i'm going through/have gone through... there's the effort put in, though it never seems enough until a point where you tell urself u'd never make it and u give up. still, u're still clinging on to that bit of hope, that chance to progress and make things happen... yesterday i was dearly hoping that things will turn out fine for him cos i need exactly this kind of situation to motivate me that i can do it. but well... as friends some of us tried to help him, but sometimes i think that we are putting undue pressure on him and i dun feel gd with that... hmm...
and then there's ash's situation. i don't exactly know what to do bout it. i dun wanna get involved in certain things, but as a friend the least i can offer is support. i wonder how terence manage to handle all those stuff sometimes...
and it's not all that simple. i'm confused...
Saturday, November 27, 2004
Boytalk
Today ash, terence and lymon came to my house. the original game was to play on my gamecube but turns out they don't like 'childish' games as much as i do (how disappointing), so ended up playing for only bout one to two hours. after that, we went into my room and we started talking.
no need to talk bout what was shared, but it was engaging, memorable and thought-provoking. sure, there were times lymon felt left out cos we were talking bout 2e7 stuff, there were times terence's priorities and ours clashed and there were times i had different perspectives from ash but it was... deep. i don't think i want to talk bout this separation thing again cos i've been rambling bout it in so many entries but i felt it again. when they left, the feeling was a li'l like graduation day (at least i didn't cry). hopefully we'd be able to get together more often. it's kinda ironic how we get together because we're getting separated, etc but in the process we get sad when we are about to leave. but this pain is worth it, cos we're friends. yes, friends
no need to talk bout what was shared, but it was engaging, memorable and thought-provoking. sure, there were times lymon felt left out cos we were talking bout 2e7 stuff, there were times terence's priorities and ours clashed and there were times i had different perspectives from ash but it was... deep. i don't think i want to talk bout this separation thing again cos i've been rambling bout it in so many entries but i felt it again. when they left, the feeling was a li'l like graduation day (at least i didn't cry). hopefully we'd be able to get together more often. it's kinda ironic how we get together because we're getting separated, etc but in the process we get sad when we are about to leave. but this pain is worth it, cos we're friends. yes, friends
2e7
I dunno how to start this exactly, cause of all these thoughts going through my mind. guess i'd go by chronological order than.
first things first, chalet was on from wed to fri. as much as i wanted to hang out with the guys at the chalet i was initially a li'l skeptical cos i have no idea what i'm gonna do there and i was fretting that everyone will just break up into their own groups. so i went with the aim to get as many people to stick together as one big group as possible. and after this i think i can say that the chalet was a success (but more on that later)...
it was fun being with everyone, talking and doing stuff together but i won't bother with the details i guess. it's just a li'l pity that i couldn't get yanda and yuen yean into the thing and i feel kinda bad for them. back in sec 2 i still know both of them pretty well i guess but i couldn't seem to find any topic to talk with them now. i tried to make them feel welcome, tried to get them into the thick of things, but i couldn't do anything. and i think i sounded a li'l fake then as well. grr, i can't seem to phrase what i want to say now...
so the chalet went on, we had fun, enjoyed ourselves and soon it had to come to an end. i was still feeling alrite at the start of the day, partly cos i dun have much happy memories (if any) in the first two yrs of secondary sch life and i dun know many people in the class well at all. we got together, learned more bout one another and i was happy with that, or so i thought. so we went on and ate at bedok, and ash's expression really got me. suddenly the whiffs of emotions choked me and i started yearning for more time with these bunch of people.
moreover, there was this hokkien song playing in the background then. i dun understand anything from the lyrics, but from the way it was sang it really felt like a song bout separation. at that moment i really didn't want to leave. but sadly, people slowly went away one by one, and i feel kinda sad to think that that will probably be the last time i see them.
and ash was there again, seemingly brooding over it with that pained expression and i couldn't help but feel immensely sad at that point. i tried to cheer things up but pessimists can never do this kind of thing and i think i failed miserably. but then yinghui started with a bout of optimism and again, feeling surged through me. i still remember those times in sec 1 and 2 where yinghui's dreamy optimistic thoughts kinda ??? me. (what is the verb i wanna use? i can't find any word in my vocab for it) memories came again...
i'm not making much sense now cos i just cannot find suitable words to use to describe this. anyway, we soon left. i was the only one taking a bus at the interchange so now it's my turn to part. will that be our final gdbye i wonder... i said at the chalet somehow, someday, someone might just do something sometime and the bunch of us might get together again. but i wonder. on one hand i would like another chalet like this and wouldn't mind planning but on the other hand i'm afraid we would soon have different priorities come next yr of some other time and we'd not be able to find enough people free at the same time. this yr i put the chalets as the top priority during my holidays and told my parents firmly that i'd even skip vacations to just attend them. but i can't say for sure next year. sure, i, or probably everyone will say that they want another chalet next year and would set time aside for it but things change with time and i can't help but think this mindset will as well...
as again, i don't have many pleasant memories of sec 1 and 2 but i'd still miss the people in the class. actually, we're (or they're) a bunch of wonderful guys so why did our class turn out like this... curse zhang, but it's no use blaming people. we don't have the time to make up for this so let's just cherish the moments we had together. so to ash, terence, jian hao, hongyi, marcus, yi qin, avril, sook lee, emmalyn, yao yu, william, xinyu, yinghui, shaun, rachel, weiqi : THANK YOU for the two/three days (i hope i didn't miss anyone). i still can't bring myself to say i love 2e7 (as in the class) but i love the people there... i don't want to forget these memories, so may they live in our dreams forever. maybe fate will be kinda to us and let us get together one day, and may all of us still savour our time together then.
first things first, chalet was on from wed to fri. as much as i wanted to hang out with the guys at the chalet i was initially a li'l skeptical cos i have no idea what i'm gonna do there and i was fretting that everyone will just break up into their own groups. so i went with the aim to get as many people to stick together as one big group as possible. and after this i think i can say that the chalet was a success (but more on that later)...
it was fun being with everyone, talking and doing stuff together but i won't bother with the details i guess. it's just a li'l pity that i couldn't get yanda and yuen yean into the thing and i feel kinda bad for them. back in sec 2 i still know both of them pretty well i guess but i couldn't seem to find any topic to talk with them now. i tried to make them feel welcome, tried to get them into the thick of things, but i couldn't do anything. and i think i sounded a li'l fake then as well. grr, i can't seem to phrase what i want to say now...
so the chalet went on, we had fun, enjoyed ourselves and soon it had to come to an end. i was still feeling alrite at the start of the day, partly cos i dun have much happy memories (if any) in the first two yrs of secondary sch life and i dun know many people in the class well at all. we got together, learned more bout one another and i was happy with that, or so i thought. so we went on and ate at bedok, and ash's expression really got me. suddenly the whiffs of emotions choked me and i started yearning for more time with these bunch of people.
moreover, there was this hokkien song playing in the background then. i dun understand anything from the lyrics, but from the way it was sang it really felt like a song bout separation. at that moment i really didn't want to leave. but sadly, people slowly went away one by one, and i feel kinda sad to think that that will probably be the last time i see them.
and ash was there again, seemingly brooding over it with that pained expression and i couldn't help but feel immensely sad at that point. i tried to cheer things up but pessimists can never do this kind of thing and i think i failed miserably. but then yinghui started with a bout of optimism and again, feeling surged through me. i still remember those times in sec 1 and 2 where yinghui's dreamy optimistic thoughts kinda ??? me. (what is the verb i wanna use? i can't find any word in my vocab for it) memories came again...
i'm not making much sense now cos i just cannot find suitable words to use to describe this. anyway, we soon left. i was the only one taking a bus at the interchange so now it's my turn to part. will that be our final gdbye i wonder... i said at the chalet somehow, someday, someone might just do something sometime and the bunch of us might get together again. but i wonder. on one hand i would like another chalet like this and wouldn't mind planning but on the other hand i'm afraid we would soon have different priorities come next yr of some other time and we'd not be able to find enough people free at the same time. this yr i put the chalets as the top priority during my holidays and told my parents firmly that i'd even skip vacations to just attend them. but i can't say for sure next year. sure, i, or probably everyone will say that they want another chalet next year and would set time aside for it but things change with time and i can't help but think this mindset will as well...
as again, i don't have many pleasant memories of sec 1 and 2 but i'd still miss the people in the class. actually, we're (or they're) a bunch of wonderful guys so why did our class turn out like this... curse zhang, but it's no use blaming people. we don't have the time to make up for this so let's just cherish the moments we had together. so to ash, terence, jian hao, hongyi, marcus, yi qin, avril, sook lee, emmalyn, yao yu, william, xinyu, yinghui, shaun, rachel, weiqi : THANK YOU for the two/three days (i hope i didn't miss anyone). i still can't bring myself to say i love 2e7 (as in the class) but i love the people there... i don't want to forget these memories, so may they live in our dreams forever. maybe fate will be kinda to us and let us get together one day, and may all of us still savour our time together then.
Monday, November 22, 2004
Apathetic People
again i want to find someone to blame, but when i think bout it i guess i'm at fault too. these things happen when pple are in a group, i guess. at least chalet's coming and so there's no more need to do these 'dirty work' for the next few days. i'm kinda angry at others, but thou shall not let that affect my enjoyment of the holidays. now i'm just waiting for deli to get my games and i'd be ready to go.
sometimes i'm wondering if i'm doing the right thing, whether i'm trying way to hard than i need to and if all this efforts are gonna pay off. it seems as if others are just waiting for things to happen, thinking that things will turn out fine. i have no qualms taking the initiative this time but at least they should show some response, shouldn't there. do they actually want this? reminds me so much of aaron's attitude. there are times when i really wanted to let go at him when he displays that apathy of his and makes u wonder what u're trying so hard for. so i never did it in the end, and maybe that's how everything is gonna turn out again.
my plea to those people: pls do something or just tell me that u're fine with things the way they are! i'm getting sick of this
sometimes i'm wondering if i'm doing the right thing, whether i'm trying way to hard than i need to and if all this efforts are gonna pay off. it seems as if others are just waiting for things to happen, thinking that things will turn out fine. i have no qualms taking the initiative this time but at least they should show some response, shouldn't there. do they actually want this? reminds me so much of aaron's attitude. there are times when i really wanted to let go at him when he displays that apathy of his and makes u wonder what u're trying so hard for. so i never did it in the end, and maybe that's how everything is gonna turn out again.
my plea to those people: pls do something or just tell me that u're fine with things the way they are! i'm getting sick of this
Sunday, November 21, 2004
Actions speak louder than words, but not nearly as often
Seems like it's not so long after all and i'm back here again. to think the euphoria of the completion of the o levels ended so quickly. just the next day i was a li'l disappointed with the attitudes of some people but i dun wanna elaborate on that. they have their own priorities and i'm in no position to say that they're wrong. at least there's still a couple of them who seem to understand, and i truly appreciate them for that.
i'm here more to complain bout myself, again. i always say i'm trying but ultimately i still lack the guts to do so many things. sometimes i dream bout all the gd things than can happen but i don't do anything bout them. if only i was more proactive, maybe i won't be this pessimist who crushes whatever hopes and dreams he have. but then again, that's my life. full of maybes and should bes.
and once again i've let another opportunity slide by. just one more hint that i'd succeed and i'd do it, i tell myself, but cues after cues later i'm still stuck at the same position.
i'd start anew in jc, i tell myself, but that's what i said after primary school as well and just look at the state i'm in today: no better than before. i keep telling myself, and even others, that nothing will change if i/you don't do anything. still, something's holding me back. opportunities come your way but they don't fall right on your lap. once again, i'm telling myself to take action. so what if it fails... i'd be sad for a few days, angry at others or disappointed but at least i can tell myself that i've did everything i can. i've tried my best and i have no regrets as a particular someone will say. this is the spirit i wanna possess...
i'm here more to complain bout myself, again. i always say i'm trying but ultimately i still lack the guts to do so many things. sometimes i dream bout all the gd things than can happen but i don't do anything bout them. if only i was more proactive, maybe i won't be this pessimist who crushes whatever hopes and dreams he have. but then again, that's my life. full of maybes and should bes.
and once again i've let another opportunity slide by. just one more hint that i'd succeed and i'd do it, i tell myself, but cues after cues later i'm still stuck at the same position.
i'd start anew in jc, i tell myself, but that's what i said after primary school as well and just look at the state i'm in today: no better than before. i keep telling myself, and even others, that nothing will change if i/you don't do anything. still, something's holding me back. opportunities come your way but they don't fall right on your lap. once again, i'm telling myself to take action. so what if it fails... i'd be sad for a few days, angry at others or disappointed but at least i can tell myself that i've did everything i can. i've tried my best and i have no regrets as a particular someone will say. this is the spirit i wanna possess...
Friday, November 19, 2004
THE END
Chem papers: ~$50
Total cost for 'O' levels: ~$500
Tearing my entry proof into shreds and littering it all over the basketball court: priceless.
IT'S OVER!
Just a li'l too bad that my order with deli haven't arrived yet so i'd have to wait for a few more days before i can truly go on whole day gaming marathons. hope it'd come before the 2e7 chalet so that i can bring my gc there...
but i gotta start making plans for this holidays i guess.
I wanna:-
-- Complete at least 4 games
-- Swim until i get allergic to chlorine
-- Bowl until my fingers cannot feel anything anymore
-- hang out with friends for at least half of the days
-- go on a shopping spree for electronic items and gadgets
-- get one or two more shirts to add to the 4 i have inside my wardrobe and get my third pair of pants
-- start excercising
-- mix with everyone in the two chalets, not just with my closer buddies
-- pick up a few new hobbies to spend some time on other than gaming
-- embarass myself by dragging other people to go karaoke someday
-- cut down on my coffee intake to one cup per day
-- throw away all of those books which are making my desk so untidy
-- burn some of them in the chalets as fire starters
-- sort out my whole pile of unlabelled cd-rs
-- beg my dad to buy me an ipod
-- get a hp
-- read up on those back issues of magazines
-- get myself a new bag
-- continue from where i've stopped in the wheel of time
-- save to get a nintendo ds/psp/pstwo/xbox
-- try to see if i can contact some of my primary school mates
-- think of something really stupid to do at the end of the chalets
-- resists the urge to buy the LE stuff that comes out
-- catch up on all the animes i've missed
-- start memorising the hiragana and katagana (sp) charts
-- learn nihongo
-- search for a free web host which supports php
-- brush up on html and php
i don't know if i'd still blog frequently after today. this'd been a gd place to release some of the cooped-up frustrations due to sch and exams, but it's over for now. if things go according to plan (though i seriously doubt so) i should have nothing to complain and lament bout here, and i see no point just listing out what i did everyday... let's just see how it goes. for now, i just want to rejoice and enjoy every moment. may the holidays be pleasant for everyone.
Total cost for 'O' levels: ~$500
Tearing my entry proof into shreds and littering it all over the basketball court: priceless.
IT'S OVER!
Just a li'l too bad that my order with deli haven't arrived yet so i'd have to wait for a few more days before i can truly go on whole day gaming marathons. hope it'd come before the 2e7 chalet so that i can bring my gc there...
but i gotta start making plans for this holidays i guess.
I wanna:-
-- Complete at least 4 games
-- Swim until i get allergic to chlorine
-- Bowl until my fingers cannot feel anything anymore
-- hang out with friends for at least half of the days
-- go on a shopping spree for electronic items and gadgets
-- get one or two more shirts to add to the 4 i have inside my wardrobe and get my third pair of pants
-- start excercising
-- mix with everyone in the two chalets, not just with my closer buddies
-- pick up a few new hobbies to spend some time on other than gaming
-- embarass myself by dragging other people to go karaoke someday
-- cut down on my coffee intake to one cup per day
-- throw away all of those books which are making my desk so untidy
-- burn some of them in the chalets as fire starters
-- sort out my whole pile of unlabelled cd-rs
-- beg my dad to buy me an ipod
-- get a hp
-- read up on those back issues of magazines
-- get myself a new bag
-- continue from where i've stopped in the wheel of time
-- save to get a nintendo ds/psp/pstwo/xbox
-- try to see if i can contact some of my primary school mates
-- think of something really stupid to do at the end of the chalets
-- resists the urge to buy the LE stuff that comes out
-- catch up on all the animes i've missed
-- start memorising the hiragana and katagana (sp) charts
-- learn nihongo
-- search for a free web host which supports php
-- brush up on html and php
i don't know if i'd still blog frequently after today. this'd been a gd place to release some of the cooped-up frustrations due to sch and exams, but it's over for now. if things go according to plan (though i seriously doubt so) i should have nothing to complain and lament bout here, and i see no point just listing out what i did everyday... let's just see how it goes. for now, i just want to rejoice and enjoy every moment. may the holidays be pleasant for everyone.
Thursday, November 18, 2004
29h
29h left. i still have quite a lot to do for my chem, but at least i'm feeling much more relaxed today. met quite some people i dun usually meet on the way to sch and back home but sadly it's yet another one of my 'non-social' days. as if i ain't bad enough there are always these days where i just prefer to be alone and can't seem to say anything... hopefully i won't be suffering from these days during the two chalets.
i'm patiently waiting for the moment to arrive. but i think tml will be one of those days where i really hate living so far away from sch. i generally like the extra travelling time cos it gives me the time to think, rest or study for tests, etc but there are these times where you just want to get home immediately. the journey from deli's shop back will take bout 1h but i guess it'd seem like an eternity then. perhaps that's my retribution for always laughing at people who baulk at travelling for more than 30min to sch.
i'm patiently waiting for the moment to arrive. but i think tml will be one of those days where i really hate living so far away from sch. i generally like the extra travelling time cos it gives me the time to think, rest or study for tests, etc but there are these times where you just want to get home immediately. the journey from deli's shop back will take bout 1h but i guess it'd seem like an eternity then. perhaps that's my retribution for always laughing at people who baulk at travelling for more than 30min to sch.
Wednesday, November 17, 2004
Staying sane
Less than 45h to go before the long awaited time but i'm starting to have trouble coping with all the stress. it's been piling on for some time now as the exam weared on but never once had exam stress cause such a big impact on me. generally (to think i used 13 'generally's in my geog today...) the exam would end before the stress gets its chance to take effect but this is a li'l too much. i'm struggling, and i really hope to pull through.
this morning i was chanting 'kamparou kelvin soh' (and it actually rhymes) to myself while on the way to sch trying to get myself going and i think i received quite a few stares. and halfway through the mcq in which i was trying my best to do more slowly and be careful i suffered this terrible headach and promptly finished the paper before taking a short nap. on the way home, i can't help but fall into trances periodically, staring at nowhere... at least this isn't the worse that could happen, though i'm wondering if i can pull through this time round. even now my head still hurts a li'l but i have to do a li'l bit of a maths and chem to refresh my mind cos i've not touched them for a little too long. if this was any other exam i'd have told myself to take a break and keep my body in the best possible state to take the exams but this is a major one. sigh...
moreover, i can't seem to think clearly under exam conditions anymore. during the exam i would struggle to understand some of the questions but after that after getting out of one of those trances i suddenly knew how to answer the questions without anyone explaining. somehow the concepts just didn't come in the midst of the exams and this is sth i have to overcome for the next two days.
i try to think bout the days to come to relax a bit but it doesn't seem to be working. moreover, i try to start planning for the 'celebrations' already but others don't seem so interested... kinda feel like a pest sometimes who's trying to get everything done my way but i've promised myself i'd not give myself room to regret any of my actions during the holidays and i'd continue being this irritant. i really hope the others won't tire of getting together too fast. i've had bad experiences taking initiative in the past but i sincerely hope this will not be one of them.
and to end on a random, meaningless note, i will try my utmost to get patrick to pose beside the incredibles poster. i still remember the first time i saw the poster a few days ago and the first thing that came to my mind was him. he just looks so much like that guy... and if only i ain't spending 300 on all the games and accesories i can actually go watch it. bah!
this morning i was chanting 'kamparou kelvin soh' (and it actually rhymes) to myself while on the way to sch trying to get myself going and i think i received quite a few stares. and halfway through the mcq in which i was trying my best to do more slowly and be careful i suffered this terrible headach and promptly finished the paper before taking a short nap. on the way home, i can't help but fall into trances periodically, staring at nowhere... at least this isn't the worse that could happen, though i'm wondering if i can pull through this time round. even now my head still hurts a li'l but i have to do a li'l bit of a maths and chem to refresh my mind cos i've not touched them for a little too long. if this was any other exam i'd have told myself to take a break and keep my body in the best possible state to take the exams but this is a major one. sigh...
moreover, i can't seem to think clearly under exam conditions anymore. during the exam i would struggle to understand some of the questions but after that after getting out of one of those trances i suddenly knew how to answer the questions without anyone explaining. somehow the concepts just didn't come in the midst of the exams and this is sth i have to overcome for the next two days.
i try to think bout the days to come to relax a bit but it doesn't seem to be working. moreover, i try to start planning for the 'celebrations' already but others don't seem so interested... kinda feel like a pest sometimes who's trying to get everything done my way but i've promised myself i'd not give myself room to regret any of my actions during the holidays and i'd continue being this irritant. i really hope the others won't tire of getting together too fast. i've had bad experiences taking initiative in the past but i sincerely hope this will not be one of them.
and to end on a random, meaningless note, i will try my utmost to get patrick to pose beside the incredibles poster. i still remember the first time i saw the poster a few days ago and the first thing that came to my mind was him. he just looks so much like that guy... and if only i ain't spending 300 on all the games and accesories i can actually go watch it. bah!
Tuesday, November 16, 2004
Ramblings, ramblings and more ramblings bout exams
i'm so regretting not studying hard enough for the three days the library was closed... tml's physics and geog and i still have not completed my physics revision and geog is still rather shaky... this one week turned out so unproductive, and i still have chem and a maths untouched. but i just wanna get through tml. i shouldn't let my efforts for ss down with my horrible goeg, and physics is the weakest of the subjects i plan to use for the remaining four subjects in the l1r5... grr...
and i'm starting to panic a li'l bout my a maths and chem too. haven't touched a maths since paper one and chem since i completed that tys bout a month ago (i kinda forgotten most of the things now). just hoping that i've done enough beforehand to compensate for this lack of a last push in the end. as mr won would say, you would do fine if you just be careful during your paper and perform up to your usual standard. however, i've not done so well for the practical so i need to work harder for my written papers, which i have not. wonder how things are gonna turn out.
now i'm playing whatever inspirational music i have on my hdd to try boost myself up. maybe i should start talking in lyrics to try motivate myself further...
I believe in the impossible, if i reach deep within my heart. overcome any obstacle, won't let this dream fall apart. you see i strive to be the very best...
the cup of life, this is the one. now is the time, don't let it stop. push it along, gotta be strong. push it along, right to the top... reach for the cup of life if you really want it...
and now i'm stronger than yesterday. now it's nothing but my way...
In the land of a thousand souls we will carry on through the rain. in the sun we will move along with the memories of the slain. when i see this humanity and the evil that they have come to be, we've come to the point of no return and you beg for just, one more time to escape from all this madness. one more time to be set free from all this sadness. and one last time to be the one who understands, my soul and my spirit will go on, for all of eternity...
bah... this ain't helping... i need to just go on for just a few more days. i will survive, i will thrive...
and i'm starting to panic a li'l bout my a maths and chem too. haven't touched a maths since paper one and chem since i completed that tys bout a month ago (i kinda forgotten most of the things now). just hoping that i've done enough beforehand to compensate for this lack of a last push in the end. as mr won would say, you would do fine if you just be careful during your paper and perform up to your usual standard. however, i've not done so well for the practical so i need to work harder for my written papers, which i have not. wonder how things are gonna turn out.
now i'm playing whatever inspirational music i have on my hdd to try boost myself up. maybe i should start talking in lyrics to try motivate myself further...
I believe in the impossible, if i reach deep within my heart. overcome any obstacle, won't let this dream fall apart. you see i strive to be the very best...
the cup of life, this is the one. now is the time, don't let it stop. push it along, gotta be strong. push it along, right to the top... reach for the cup of life if you really want it...
and now i'm stronger than yesterday. now it's nothing but my way...
In the land of a thousand souls we will carry on through the rain. in the sun we will move along with the memories of the slain. when i see this humanity and the evil that they have come to be, we've come to the point of no return and you beg for just, one more time to escape from all this madness. one more time to be set free from all this sadness. and one last time to be the one who understands, my soul and my spirit will go on, for all of eternity...
bah... this ain't helping... i need to just go on for just a few more days. i will survive, i will thrive...
Sunday, November 14, 2004
Random, Meaningless Post #3 + Puzzle Bobble
Now this really proves my hypothesis that i only think when i'm down, which in itself is pretty sad... so many entries in the last few days... at least things seem to be looking up for now. i've been too happy, too long so the law of averages decided that it's fair time i get depressed for a while. the sine curve, i call it...
now that my spirits are a li'l better, it's back to some mindless stuff again. library closed today and tml, and i wonder how i'm gonna cope with it. i've just realised today that i cannot seem to find another place to study except there. mcdonalds was too noisy, the chi just isn't right in my house so i'm left with yet another day gone without much useful work done.
i don't know what to study for my geog at all. i kinda know most of the stuff in the textbk for the 3 chapters i'm studying but after the prelims i have no idea how to study for geog. it seems as if the questions never ask about the info in the textbook and many a times u just have to make up your own logical things. moreover, i have no idea how much or how little to write... i wonder how everything will turn out.
then we have physics. i've not even done reading the textbook, much less practice on how to answer questions. and i've forgotten a lot of the answers i've got from mr choo about how to answer certain questions... hmm... and there's still a maths and chem, though they seem to be the least of my worries now.
and the fun i've had with bio seemed to have subsided a bit due to the eye question. while other people seem to be rejoicing bout how we get a 'free' question, i beg to differ. since your grade in the exams depend on your percentile and not your marks, having the question turn out like that means there are less chances for you to prove how strong you are. everyone, regardless of whether they knew the answer or not will get the mark, so i'd treat it as points lost more than earned. if the question was 'normal', i think 20% of the candidates in the whole nation might not have studied hard enough to know bout that. and another 20% might have poor time management skills and end up not being able to finish that question. now it turns out these people will benefit from it. but i think i'm complaining too much. i haven't studied hard enough for bio anyway and i'd be happy with a b3...
also just realised that i haven't been depressed for quite a long time after discovering how rusty my puzzle bobble skills are. i always play puzzle bobble when i'm down cos it doesn't require much thinking, it doesn't have much pauses except for the game over screen which only comes out bout once every 20min so i dun give myself time to think and the 'pop' sounds when you clear those bubbles seems to 'pop' your troubles away. i think it was before the prelims when i last played it, and for my standards that looks like a very good sign. i remember the time i used to be able to play it so fast and aiming seems like second nature without the need to slow down before i hit the bubbles... it was probably the only multiplayer game i could beat others comfortably in then...
guess i'm spewing too much crap. but that's how things go when my mood is lighter...
now that my spirits are a li'l better, it's back to some mindless stuff again. library closed today and tml, and i wonder how i'm gonna cope with it. i've just realised today that i cannot seem to find another place to study except there. mcdonalds was too noisy, the chi just isn't right in my house so i'm left with yet another day gone without much useful work done.
i don't know what to study for my geog at all. i kinda know most of the stuff in the textbk for the 3 chapters i'm studying but after the prelims i have no idea how to study for geog. it seems as if the questions never ask about the info in the textbook and many a times u just have to make up your own logical things. moreover, i have no idea how much or how little to write... i wonder how everything will turn out.
then we have physics. i've not even done reading the textbook, much less practice on how to answer questions. and i've forgotten a lot of the answers i've got from mr choo about how to answer certain questions... hmm... and there's still a maths and chem, though they seem to be the least of my worries now.
and the fun i've had with bio seemed to have subsided a bit due to the eye question. while other people seem to be rejoicing bout how we get a 'free' question, i beg to differ. since your grade in the exams depend on your percentile and not your marks, having the question turn out like that means there are less chances for you to prove how strong you are. everyone, regardless of whether they knew the answer or not will get the mark, so i'd treat it as points lost more than earned. if the question was 'normal', i think 20% of the candidates in the whole nation might not have studied hard enough to know bout that. and another 20% might have poor time management skills and end up not being able to finish that question. now it turns out these people will benefit from it. but i think i'm complaining too much. i haven't studied hard enough for bio anyway and i'd be happy with a b3...
also just realised that i haven't been depressed for quite a long time after discovering how rusty my puzzle bobble skills are. i always play puzzle bobble when i'm down cos it doesn't require much thinking, it doesn't have much pauses except for the game over screen which only comes out bout once every 20min so i dun give myself time to think and the 'pop' sounds when you clear those bubbles seems to 'pop' your troubles away. i think it was before the prelims when i last played it, and for my standards that looks like a very good sign. i remember the time i used to be able to play it so fast and aiming seems like second nature without the need to slow down before i hit the bubbles... it was probably the only multiplayer game i could beat others comfortably in then...
guess i'm spewing too much crap. but that's how things go when my mood is lighter...
Who Am I?
I'm searching for myself today. i see shards of someone lying around, but is that person me? who, or what exactly is this thing called kelvin soh? i don't think i have the answer...
Saturday, November 13, 2004
Lies, deceit
i have no idea how it had happened but i've realised that i can lie so easily with a straight face nowadays. when i was a kid, i used to hate myself for lying, and have always dreaded whatever punishment i would have if there was indeed hell. but now, i seems so much more convenient to lie to make everything go smoothly.
"It's all right," i always tell people when sometimes i'm fuming inside and can't help but lay all the blame on others.
"Things will turn out fine" i say, trying to reassure people. Then i go on and speak with this enthusiasm and zest as if i'm really looking forward to some things and am dreaming about how good it'd be, all just to try reassure people and try to convince people that i'm very fine.
But do you really expect this downright pessismist to look up and think that everything will be a fairytale? this mechanism is just inside me, making me think of the worst everytime. but society and the general public is never kind to pessismists, so i just have to speak under this veil and make myself seem as if i'm very happy about the way things are. if i acted otherwise, i think i might have been placed under counselling or things like that years ago.
but at least i'm conforming, what i intend to do more of and am saying what will bemore accepted. there's no such thing as individualism and happiness together anyway...
"It's all right," i always tell people when sometimes i'm fuming inside and can't help but lay all the blame on others.
"Things will turn out fine" i say, trying to reassure people. Then i go on and speak with this enthusiasm and zest as if i'm really looking forward to some things and am dreaming about how good it'd be, all just to try reassure people and try to convince people that i'm very fine.
But do you really expect this downright pessismist to look up and think that everything will be a fairytale? this mechanism is just inside me, making me think of the worst everytime. but society and the general public is never kind to pessismists, so i just have to speak under this veil and make myself seem as if i'm very happy about the way things are. if i acted otherwise, i think i might have been placed under counselling or things like that years ago.
but at least i'm conforming, what i intend to do more of and am saying what will bemore accepted. there's no such thing as individualism and happiness together anyway...
Friday, November 12, 2004
Smile, cos that's the way everyone does...
[3rd entry, but i just have lots to say today]
A smile is worth a thousand words. a grin, a smirk, a fake smile, a genuine one... they're such small acts, but they can mean so much. this is just how powerful smiles can be. some people say that a smile is a universal language, but somehow someone didn't teach me how to do that. when i look through the photos i took when i was young, i'd cringe at that facial expression i gave, that facial expression which i thought was a smile. turns out its juz a hideous baring of the teeth with no hint of a smile. when i was in chinese orchestra, the instructress always demanded that we smile when we perform. i was often pointed out for not smiling, but i've always thought i did... i strained my facial muscles, i bared my teeth.... but it's not the same.
so slowly i stopped myself from giving that 'smile', restrained all those temptations to show my joy when i wanted to. and slowly, i had to learn how to smile, what most people probably didn't need to. everyday when i look into the mirror, i'd force myself to smile to myself, make some facial expressions to capture whatever i was feeling. however, it didn't seem to be enough and i still couldn't smile when i was not in front of a mirror. it's slowly improving now, but somehow it's still not natural. someone forgot to teach me these simple things it seems. we're supposed to know it anyway...
and there's still so many things which that someone forgot to teach me whereas others seem to handle it so simply. saying hi and goodbye to people i don't know too well requires all the courage i can muster, trying to find some topics to talk about when i'm with other people seem tougher than the toughest examination and test. step by step i try everyday, trying to overcome these obstacles and trials but they don't seem to work, or at least the results ain't showing quick enough.
i've kinda forgot when i first saw this ladder leading up into the clouds. there must be something nice up there, i thought, and proceeded to climb this ladder. it all seemed so fine, as i climbed and climbed. inch by inch i could see the clouds getting closer and closer. it seems like i'd reach the goal in no time. but suddenly i heard someone from above the clouds call my name, warn me about climbing and the dangers that was to come. i heeded the warning, and looked down, hoping to find a way back to where i was. however, i can no longer see the ground, no longer see that comfortable earth that has supported me all my life. since i'm here already, i should just go on, i thought, and proceeded to climb further up. days, months and years passed and finally the clouds were within my reach. but just when i was about to reach there the ladder jerked and down i fell, back to ol' terra firma, back to where i was. i was bruised, i was in pain, but something still compelled me to climb that ladder again. this time i was wary, and took each step gingerly, afraid that i'd fall down again. but still i wanted to climb and see for myself what exactly is there up in the clouds. again and again i fell, but i stubbornly tell myself to continue. "I've already fallen so many times for it, so what is one more time". each time the pain got worse, and each time the ladder looked higher than it was... will i ever reach the end?
lymon once said that while he might see another terence, another ashleigh out on the streets one day, he's sure he'd never see another person like kelvin soh. i don't know what to make of that exactly. everyone is unique, but sometimes i just want to be normal and conform. so i tried to think back about my childhood and my life, and see for myself how exactly different they were.
as hard as i tried, the happy incidents never seem to exceed what i can count with a hand... that vague scene of playing in the playground during kindergarden, running around carefree... the two time in the syf festival when i heard out kebun baru primary school's name for the gold medal... the day mrs lee, sophan, kenneth and me went for the maths olympiad and how mrs lee took inspired me so... then there's all those small li'l things, like doing well in tests and exams, etc but somehow they cannot mask all those sad and unhappy incidents that i can still remember so vividly.
i remember in kindergarden two incidents where i stubbornly refused to admit my mistakes, throwing tantrums and being punished by standing in one corner of the class. till now, i still refuse to admit my mistake... i was wrong in a sense, but i acted on my principles and i still stand by them.
i remember the first children's day i ever celebrated in primary school, when i tried to stand up for a friend and got scolded in the end just because someone else decided to report the incident to the teacher first and couldn't identify that friend of mine. i still remember the guilt i had when i accidentally hit someone in the eye in the process and how i couldn't stop saying sorry and blame myself for making her cry.
i remember the time in primary 3 when my best friend went back to his country myanmar without even telling me about that. to think we used to spend every recess together, talking bout god knows what and he just left without a word, having to know that only when i asked the teacher.
i remember in primary 4 when i did horribly in the mid-yr exams. so bad that i cried. my maths and science, two subjects i've always prided myself in failed to get a band one and i cried my hearts out for that. from that day onwards, i promised myself to no longer take exams seriously and never expect anything from it. from that day, i've never placed much importance in exams anymore except for the sec 2 exams where i had to perform in the maths and science to get the subject comb i want and for the prelims and o levels to get into a decent jc and subject comb.
i remember in primary 5 where i fell out big time with one of my better friends. i forgot what the argument was about but we never spoke to each other ever since then. that time i felt betrayed and hatred, to the point that i decided that i would no longer go into relationships that are too deep to avoid this kind of situations. if you don't know too much about another person you can't hate him that much. however, seems like i've changed that mindset from sec 3.
i remember in primary 6 where i almost came to blows with william over some matters. we had to be dragged away and were kicking in the air while others separated us. we patched up after that and i was thankful that the instructress did not report that to any important personel. from then, i told myself i'd never fight again unless absolutely necessary and promised myself to always take that step backwards when a conflict looks imminent.
i remember in primary 6 again when i showed the 'attitude' to the chinese orchestra instructress and walked out of her class because i was disgruntled bout the over emphasis on winning. in the end i had some talks with mr tan, my favourite principal of all time and have learnt quite a fair bit. kinda like the last time tan gim hua threw my file on the floor and i showed her that expression which got me sent out of the class. if u don't respect me, i won't respect you either...
i remember in sec 1 and 2, where free periods, group work and post exams meant horrible, horrible time staring into blankness not knowing what to do. even mr ong once asked me why i was in a daze once and told me not to think so much at times. everyone seemed to go along well with others but i just can't find anyone in the class whom i share things in common. i thouroughly hated 2e7, and still do so now (note that 2e7 people is a different thing) cos the spirit and learning environment just wasn't there. i admit i was a stuck up and a pain in the ass but still i can't believe i couldn't find anyone whom i can relate to for that two years.
and i still remember that experience where taliban criticised me. so that's what i get for stepping up and taking responsibility while others shirked theirs. isn't there any credit for at least trying? i know everyone have faced that before, getting reprimanded after all the efforts and feeling as though all this have not been appreciated. this is one of the most grosteque feelings to have and i can never forget these instances.
and that's how i've become, this utterly horrible guy. everyone has their problems too, so i shall not wallow in self-pity but try to salvage whatever i can. i've dug this hole out myself and it's my obligation to get myself out of it. no one's gonna help you if you don't help yourself. hopefully one day i can just sit back, look at my life and tell myself that i've done my best and have become what i truly want to be. or hopefully i'd die peacefully in my sleep one fine day before that and indulge in the eternity i've always longed for. now back to the mindless studying... not long left...
A smile is worth a thousand words. a grin, a smirk, a fake smile, a genuine one... they're such small acts, but they can mean so much. this is just how powerful smiles can be. some people say that a smile is a universal language, but somehow someone didn't teach me how to do that. when i look through the photos i took when i was young, i'd cringe at that facial expression i gave, that facial expression which i thought was a smile. turns out its juz a hideous baring of the teeth with no hint of a smile. when i was in chinese orchestra, the instructress always demanded that we smile when we perform. i was often pointed out for not smiling, but i've always thought i did... i strained my facial muscles, i bared my teeth.... but it's not the same.
so slowly i stopped myself from giving that 'smile', restrained all those temptations to show my joy when i wanted to. and slowly, i had to learn how to smile, what most people probably didn't need to. everyday when i look into the mirror, i'd force myself to smile to myself, make some facial expressions to capture whatever i was feeling. however, it didn't seem to be enough and i still couldn't smile when i was not in front of a mirror. it's slowly improving now, but somehow it's still not natural. someone forgot to teach me these simple things it seems. we're supposed to know it anyway...
and there's still so many things which that someone forgot to teach me whereas others seem to handle it so simply. saying hi and goodbye to people i don't know too well requires all the courage i can muster, trying to find some topics to talk about when i'm with other people seem tougher than the toughest examination and test. step by step i try everyday, trying to overcome these obstacles and trials but they don't seem to work, or at least the results ain't showing quick enough.
i've kinda forgot when i first saw this ladder leading up into the clouds. there must be something nice up there, i thought, and proceeded to climb this ladder. it all seemed so fine, as i climbed and climbed. inch by inch i could see the clouds getting closer and closer. it seems like i'd reach the goal in no time. but suddenly i heard someone from above the clouds call my name, warn me about climbing and the dangers that was to come. i heeded the warning, and looked down, hoping to find a way back to where i was. however, i can no longer see the ground, no longer see that comfortable earth that has supported me all my life. since i'm here already, i should just go on, i thought, and proceeded to climb further up. days, months and years passed and finally the clouds were within my reach. but just when i was about to reach there the ladder jerked and down i fell, back to ol' terra firma, back to where i was. i was bruised, i was in pain, but something still compelled me to climb that ladder again. this time i was wary, and took each step gingerly, afraid that i'd fall down again. but still i wanted to climb and see for myself what exactly is there up in the clouds. again and again i fell, but i stubbornly tell myself to continue. "I've already fallen so many times for it, so what is one more time". each time the pain got worse, and each time the ladder looked higher than it was... will i ever reach the end?
lymon once said that while he might see another terence, another ashleigh out on the streets one day, he's sure he'd never see another person like kelvin soh. i don't know what to make of that exactly. everyone is unique, but sometimes i just want to be normal and conform. so i tried to think back about my childhood and my life, and see for myself how exactly different they were.
as hard as i tried, the happy incidents never seem to exceed what i can count with a hand... that vague scene of playing in the playground during kindergarden, running around carefree... the two time in the syf festival when i heard out kebun baru primary school's name for the gold medal... the day mrs lee, sophan, kenneth and me went for the maths olympiad and how mrs lee took inspired me so... then there's all those small li'l things, like doing well in tests and exams, etc but somehow they cannot mask all those sad and unhappy incidents that i can still remember so vividly.
i remember in kindergarden two incidents where i stubbornly refused to admit my mistakes, throwing tantrums and being punished by standing in one corner of the class. till now, i still refuse to admit my mistake... i was wrong in a sense, but i acted on my principles and i still stand by them.
i remember the first children's day i ever celebrated in primary school, when i tried to stand up for a friend and got scolded in the end just because someone else decided to report the incident to the teacher first and couldn't identify that friend of mine. i still remember the guilt i had when i accidentally hit someone in the eye in the process and how i couldn't stop saying sorry and blame myself for making her cry.
i remember the time in primary 3 when my best friend went back to his country myanmar without even telling me about that. to think we used to spend every recess together, talking bout god knows what and he just left without a word, having to know that only when i asked the teacher.
i remember in primary 4 when i did horribly in the mid-yr exams. so bad that i cried. my maths and science, two subjects i've always prided myself in failed to get a band one and i cried my hearts out for that. from that day onwards, i promised myself to no longer take exams seriously and never expect anything from it. from that day, i've never placed much importance in exams anymore except for the sec 2 exams where i had to perform in the maths and science to get the subject comb i want and for the prelims and o levels to get into a decent jc and subject comb.
i remember in primary 5 where i fell out big time with one of my better friends. i forgot what the argument was about but we never spoke to each other ever since then. that time i felt betrayed and hatred, to the point that i decided that i would no longer go into relationships that are too deep to avoid this kind of situations. if you don't know too much about another person you can't hate him that much. however, seems like i've changed that mindset from sec 3.
i remember in primary 6 where i almost came to blows with william over some matters. we had to be dragged away and were kicking in the air while others separated us. we patched up after that and i was thankful that the instructress did not report that to any important personel. from then, i told myself i'd never fight again unless absolutely necessary and promised myself to always take that step backwards when a conflict looks imminent.
i remember in primary 6 again when i showed the 'attitude' to the chinese orchestra instructress and walked out of her class because i was disgruntled bout the over emphasis on winning. in the end i had some talks with mr tan, my favourite principal of all time and have learnt quite a fair bit. kinda like the last time tan gim hua threw my file on the floor and i showed her that expression which got me sent out of the class. if u don't respect me, i won't respect you either...
i remember in sec 1 and 2, where free periods, group work and post exams meant horrible, horrible time staring into blankness not knowing what to do. even mr ong once asked me why i was in a daze once and told me not to think so much at times. everyone seemed to go along well with others but i just can't find anyone in the class whom i share things in common. i thouroughly hated 2e7, and still do so now (note that 2e7 people is a different thing) cos the spirit and learning environment just wasn't there. i admit i was a stuck up and a pain in the ass but still i can't believe i couldn't find anyone whom i can relate to for that two years.
and i still remember that experience where taliban criticised me. so that's what i get for stepping up and taking responsibility while others shirked theirs. isn't there any credit for at least trying? i know everyone have faced that before, getting reprimanded after all the efforts and feeling as though all this have not been appreciated. this is one of the most grosteque feelings to have and i can never forget these instances.
and that's how i've become, this utterly horrible guy. everyone has their problems too, so i shall not wallow in self-pity but try to salvage whatever i can. i've dug this hole out myself and it's my obligation to get myself out of it. no one's gonna help you if you don't help yourself. hopefully one day i can just sit back, look at my life and tell myself that i've done my best and have become what i truly want to be. or hopefully i'd die peacefully in my sleep one fine day before that and indulge in the eternity i've always longed for. now back to the mindless studying... not long left...
Joy, but with a tinge of guilt and regret...
It's back on! can't believe how happy i am... to think things had to happen like that, but at least we learn to treasure everything more with them. been thinking for some time and i think i'm really in the wrong here. i didn't mean anything bad but i chose the wrong choice of words, said the wrong things at the wrong time, and as always, ain't sensitive enough. my deleted words shall remain in my backup copy of the blog to constantly remind me of what i should always keep a mind on. maybe one day i'd publish it, but today's not the day. so let's not allow this li'l episode to spoil all the fun we're gonna have in the few days.
once again, I'M TRULY SORRY. please forgive this insensitive freak out here who don't know how to differentiate the good and bad things to do in a given situation... i always do these stupid things, seeking solace only after horrible things happen thanks to my actions. may things move on from now on...
once again, I'M TRULY SORRY. please forgive this insensitive freak out here who don't know how to differentiate the good and bad things to do in a given situation... i always do these stupid things, seeking solace only after horrible things happen thanks to my actions. may things move on from now on...
Deleted words...
i wrote a lot just now, but decided not to publish them for the obvious reasons... sometimes that's how things go. as much as i want to show my point of view and... i shouldn't say more... I'm sorry, so let's move on...
Thursday, November 11, 2004
Language, Religion
Decided to take a break from all the studies today, so juz hoping that i'd have enough time to complete geog in the next few days. nothing much to do (i will only get fm 2005 on the 19th... grr...) so started reading some of my previous posts and i realised that many a times, i have failed to convey the message that i intended. somehow the choice of words were wrong, the phrasing ain't correct and not many entries truly reflected what i was thinking at that time. and that is the wonder of english, languages and our minds. as many synonyms as there are for one word, almost all of them have that slightly different meaning and using an incorrect word in a situation often dilute the essence of the passage, etc. i've always marvelled at how we can put our thoughts into words where we pick those words out of our vocabulary to relay a certain message. tried to improve my choice of words many times by checking dictionaries more often and reading widely but somehow i dun seem to be making gd enough progress, or at least not in my blogs.
and yet another thing that puzzles me is how we think, or even life in itself. if i didn't have such low determination or at least show more devotion to my passions i would want to be a scientist. i want to know what exactly causes our brains to work and how it does so many wonderful things. and if i can achieve that, i want to go on and discover what exactly life is. why is it that these elements, compounds and mixtures (that is if chemists are right and everything are made of them) work together, combining themselves to form what we call cells. surely something is at work here to bring bout life? why does everything seem so perfect, with organisms in the ecosystems all interrelated. what are our purpose here?
[ALERT: ALL RELIGIOUS PEOPLE PLEASE STOP READING HERE]
i like to think of life as a game superior beings play. its kinda like the sims mixed with a typical fantasy rpg. when a god decides to enter the playing field, they go out and create their own 'race' (or species as we call them), grant them certain abilities. however, the better you want them to be the more flaws you have to give them. and then, there's one god (used in a very loose term, mind you, for those religious people out there) who created human. he wanted to dominate, and hence granted us more intelligence than most other orgainisms. however, because of this, he lost control over his pawns and cannot control them as much as others. on the other hand, other gods had different plans. one god in particular, and one i will admire if all this is reality created viruses. there's no need to live cos the aim of the whole game is to dominate the world. and since domination means getting rid of other organisms as well, why don't we pack everything into minute cells who will only replicate when they infect others. in terms of intelligence, i believe viruses are cleverer than supposedly higher beings like us. how else to you explain the fact that us humans have conquered most things but viruses, with new strains coming up every now and then have managed to baffled us all. we use them in biotechnology but in the meantime open doors to them in terms of creating new types. but i digress.
with whatever little knowledge and information i have, my purpose in life is to just enjoy myself and i would not stop short at anything as long as i do not destroy other people's search for happiness in the process. however, there's this thing known as pain, sadness, guilt and so many more things that's slowing this down. i want to blame someone, so i philosophise that these are put into us by that very god who wanted to ensure that we do not stray from our ultimate motive with our newfound intelligence. scientists often enthuse about how wonderful the human body is, using pain to alert us to dangers and with homeostasis and other processes keeping our whole body fine. but i have always regarded pain as that tool which is used to control us. if i had my way, i'd abolish pain. maybe i'd die when i accidentally put my hand on the boiling kettle and burn my whole body but if i don't feel it and just die like that, why not? and i'm even skeptical bout such beautiful things like love, which in this 'Great Game' (i've even invented a name for it, albeit unoriginal) is yet another tool to impel us to mate and reproduce to dominate the whole world. if not for that extra intelligence god gave us, they would be no contraception and birth control methods, and in this sense it's really like an RPG (as i've mentioned earlier, to make something more powerful you have to giev it more weaknesses).
Maybe i ought to spread my philosophy of life and form a totally new religion and start accusing disbelivers of sinning before declare a holy war on everyone to rule the world. (/end sarcasm) i'm terribly sorry if i offended any religious person but that's me and i've never believed in religion. one particular thing i detest is how some religions regard disbelieving as a sin. maybe i'm juz trying to defend myself if there is indeed god so i try to find every little fault in them, but if god is truly the perfect epitome of everything good most religions make him out to be, then why is he still unfair in not treating everyone equally. if he regards us non-believers as sinners than isn't that a little bit selfish and self-centered, qualities a god if there truly is one should not have.
sometimes i really fear for life after death and i pray everyday to the stars and the moons that my life will come to a full stop after i die. let me fall into an eternal slumber where i find bliss and satisfaction, knowing that nothing really matter anyway. i have kinda loathed other religions when they try to convince others to joing them (again i don't want to offend anyone but sometimes i hope those churches especially would stop trying so hard). i think i've been asked countless of times by christian strangers in the public what religion i believe in and see their eyes sparkle when i say i'm a free thinker and try all they can to get me to go to their church. maybe next time i should tell them straight in the face that i'm a secular humanist but then again, most secular humanists are darwinians and i'm not.
buddhists vs muslims in thailand, catholics vs protestants (and to think their religions are so similar and they still fight), radical islam vs the rest of the world, even democracy vs communism and democrats vs republicans (they ain't religion but i've always regarded ideology as nothing different from them. essentially they are all beliefs of different people). so many conflicts have happened due to religion, so will someone please stop everything. maybe the world would be a safer place if there were no religion, or will the gods please appear somehow and tell their followers to end all this. i'm sick of seeing all these conflict happen because of these meagre differences in beliefs...
and yet another thing that puzzles me is how we think, or even life in itself. if i didn't have such low determination or at least show more devotion to my passions i would want to be a scientist. i want to know what exactly causes our brains to work and how it does so many wonderful things. and if i can achieve that, i want to go on and discover what exactly life is. why is it that these elements, compounds and mixtures (that is if chemists are right and everything are made of them) work together, combining themselves to form what we call cells. surely something is at work here to bring bout life? why does everything seem so perfect, with organisms in the ecosystems all interrelated. what are our purpose here?
[ALERT: ALL RELIGIOUS PEOPLE PLEASE STOP READING HERE]
i like to think of life as a game superior beings play. its kinda like the sims mixed with a typical fantasy rpg. when a god decides to enter the playing field, they go out and create their own 'race' (or species as we call them), grant them certain abilities. however, the better you want them to be the more flaws you have to give them. and then, there's one god (used in a very loose term, mind you, for those religious people out there) who created human. he wanted to dominate, and hence granted us more intelligence than most other orgainisms. however, because of this, he lost control over his pawns and cannot control them as much as others. on the other hand, other gods had different plans. one god in particular, and one i will admire if all this is reality created viruses. there's no need to live cos the aim of the whole game is to dominate the world. and since domination means getting rid of other organisms as well, why don't we pack everything into minute cells who will only replicate when they infect others. in terms of intelligence, i believe viruses are cleverer than supposedly higher beings like us. how else to you explain the fact that us humans have conquered most things but viruses, with new strains coming up every now and then have managed to baffled us all. we use them in biotechnology but in the meantime open doors to them in terms of creating new types. but i digress.
with whatever little knowledge and information i have, my purpose in life is to just enjoy myself and i would not stop short at anything as long as i do not destroy other people's search for happiness in the process. however, there's this thing known as pain, sadness, guilt and so many more things that's slowing this down. i want to blame someone, so i philosophise that these are put into us by that very god who wanted to ensure that we do not stray from our ultimate motive with our newfound intelligence. scientists often enthuse about how wonderful the human body is, using pain to alert us to dangers and with homeostasis and other processes keeping our whole body fine. but i have always regarded pain as that tool which is used to control us. if i had my way, i'd abolish pain. maybe i'd die when i accidentally put my hand on the boiling kettle and burn my whole body but if i don't feel it and just die like that, why not? and i'm even skeptical bout such beautiful things like love, which in this 'Great Game' (i've even invented a name for it, albeit unoriginal) is yet another tool to impel us to mate and reproduce to dominate the whole world. if not for that extra intelligence god gave us, they would be no contraception and birth control methods, and in this sense it's really like an RPG (as i've mentioned earlier, to make something more powerful you have to giev it more weaknesses).
Maybe i ought to spread my philosophy of life and form a totally new religion and start accusing disbelivers of sinning before declare a holy war on everyone to rule the world. (/end sarcasm) i'm terribly sorry if i offended any religious person but that's me and i've never believed in religion. one particular thing i detest is how some religions regard disbelieving as a sin. maybe i'm juz trying to defend myself if there is indeed god so i try to find every little fault in them, but if god is truly the perfect epitome of everything good most religions make him out to be, then why is he still unfair in not treating everyone equally. if he regards us non-believers as sinners than isn't that a little bit selfish and self-centered, qualities a god if there truly is one should not have.
sometimes i really fear for life after death and i pray everyday to the stars and the moons that my life will come to a full stop after i die. let me fall into an eternal slumber where i find bliss and satisfaction, knowing that nothing really matter anyway. i have kinda loathed other religions when they try to convince others to joing them (again i don't want to offend anyone but sometimes i hope those churches especially would stop trying so hard). i think i've been asked countless of times by christian strangers in the public what religion i believe in and see their eyes sparkle when i say i'm a free thinker and try all they can to get me to go to their church. maybe next time i should tell them straight in the face that i'm a secular humanist but then again, most secular humanists are darwinians and i'm not.
buddhists vs muslims in thailand, catholics vs protestants (and to think their religions are so similar and they still fight), radical islam vs the rest of the world, even democracy vs communism and democrats vs republicans (they ain't religion but i've always regarded ideology as nothing different from them. essentially they are all beliefs of different people). so many conflicts have happened due to religion, so will someone please stop everything. maybe the world would be a safer place if there were no religion, or will the gods please appear somehow and tell their followers to end all this. i'm sick of seeing all these conflict happen because of these meagre differences in beliefs...
Wednesday, November 10, 2004
BIO ROCKS!
BIO WAS SPLEDID, BIO WAS FUN! (lol hearing myself say that) at least i thoroughly enjoyed what should probably be the last time i touch bio. my mcq was a li'l horrible (at least it's not cos of my careless mistake) but i enjoyed doing the qns. hopefully mr yeo's supposedly bonus marks are true and i'd be awarded some of them. figured out i should write a lot of useless stuff that we are not supposed to know to gain those marks. so surprised i actually wrote as much as i did for my ss. the things juz kept flowing. sure, most of them were pretty much made up but never once during the paper 2 did i feel underprepared.
was a little surprised when other people thought it was a tough paper considering the fact that i liked it even though i didn't study much. the eye qn was weird alrite but somehow i juz accepted the graph as an exception from the norm and treated the five mark qn as 'what leads to the pupil diameter decreasing' instead of pondering over how the pupil diameter will increase with more light intensity. meanwhile, for the albino qn, while others generally talked bout the total internal reflection, i remembered the skin chapter talking bout how the skin pigment protected us from uv rays so my answer was bout how the uv rays will reach them and the albino will develop eye cataract. if only the drug question wasn't there where i totally did not know anything from it, i'd be extremely pleased with my paper.
maybe it's cos of the rock-bottom expectations i had that i actually enjoyed it. spent the 40min drawing villi, leaf and other diagrams during paper one and was quite impressed with what i managed to remember. next for paper two i managed to finish section a in 30min so all the bonus stuff came out in order to try impress the examiner to get those bonus marks.
i can't believe how much i loved this bio paper. maybe if they dun do disections in a level bio i might actually consider taking it now. i have no qualms with killing, but opening other people up is an absolute no-no for me. moreover, i find it terribly hideous and disgusting looking at animals' internal organs. when people tell me how scary a horror movie was i always tell them to go watch a health documentary. i feel that they are the scariest and most nightmare inducing programmes ever. juz how can those 'cowards' who are scream at the sight of fake ghosts in movies stand seeing people down with horrible, horrible diseases, with terribly mutated features and being operated on, etc i dun understand. guess i'm the big, big coward here. my few seconds of seeing how the rats were dissected during science week still kinda haunt me when i think bout it.
now on something else, i have no freaking idea how to handle this blogger programme. why can't they let us tamper with the source code so that at least i can get what i wanna do with whatever html and php codes i remember. i want to see more than the template! frustrated me so much that i actually went and edit phpnuke slightly and was ready to set up a modified blog until i realised that hosting anime to longer supports ftp for free web hosting. sigh... a yr ago i was searching for a free webhost which supports php and i finally found it but now i can't use it cos uploading through their program juz totally sucks. now i have to stick to blogger for now... maybe i should start paying for stuff, but guess i'm too cheapskate for that. maybe i shoulda spent that hour or so studying bio and i might have even enjoy it further...
was a little surprised when other people thought it was a tough paper considering the fact that i liked it even though i didn't study much. the eye qn was weird alrite but somehow i juz accepted the graph as an exception from the norm and treated the five mark qn as 'what leads to the pupil diameter decreasing' instead of pondering over how the pupil diameter will increase with more light intensity. meanwhile, for the albino qn, while others generally talked bout the total internal reflection, i remembered the skin chapter talking bout how the skin pigment protected us from uv rays so my answer was bout how the uv rays will reach them and the albino will develop eye cataract. if only the drug question wasn't there where i totally did not know anything from it, i'd be extremely pleased with my paper.
maybe it's cos of the rock-bottom expectations i had that i actually enjoyed it. spent the 40min drawing villi, leaf and other diagrams during paper one and was quite impressed with what i managed to remember. next for paper two i managed to finish section a in 30min so all the bonus stuff came out in order to try impress the examiner to get those bonus marks.
i can't believe how much i loved this bio paper. maybe if they dun do disections in a level bio i might actually consider taking it now. i have no qualms with killing, but opening other people up is an absolute no-no for me. moreover, i find it terribly hideous and disgusting looking at animals' internal organs. when people tell me how scary a horror movie was i always tell them to go watch a health documentary. i feel that they are the scariest and most nightmare inducing programmes ever. juz how can those 'cowards' who are scream at the sight of fake ghosts in movies stand seeing people down with horrible, horrible diseases, with terribly mutated features and being operated on, etc i dun understand. guess i'm the big, big coward here. my few seconds of seeing how the rats were dissected during science week still kinda haunt me when i think bout it.
now on something else, i have no freaking idea how to handle this blogger programme. why can't they let us tamper with the source code so that at least i can get what i wanna do with whatever html and php codes i remember. i want to see more than the template! frustrated me so much that i actually went and edit phpnuke slightly and was ready to set up a modified blog until i realised that hosting anime to longer supports ftp for free web hosting. sigh... a yr ago i was searching for a free webhost which supports php and i finally found it but now i can't use it cos uploading through their program juz totally sucks. now i have to stick to blogger for now... maybe i should start paying for stuff, but guess i'm too cheapskate for that. maybe i shoulda spent that hour or so studying bio and i might have even enjoy it further...
Tuesday, November 09, 2004
So soon...
Sometimes i think too much and try to find hidden meanings for everything. why can't i juz take them as they are and not make all these blind speculations? and why do i not act to try resolve these guesses of mine? why do i worry so much?
anyway, bio revision went very well today. finished reading through the txt-bk and have done one full paper. i think i'm gonna fail it, but i sincerely hope i've studied hard enough to get a b3. i dun expect much for something i've not tried hard for at all, so please at least give me a decent result. after all, this is a lot more than i have originally planned to study.
and money matters is getting a li'l out of hand. gaming and tech stuff sure is expenisve. i've already spent close to 300 this year stocking up on my games and gadgets but somehow i don't see myself being satisfied until i throw in another 300 (and that's assuming i don't get myself that ultra cool ipod). i'm wasting too much money, but then again i don't waste much except for on food.
47% of the main exams have passed, so 10 days more before this thing ends. a li'l funny how there was a time not so long ago when i wasn't exactly looking forward to that day. ~239h/1,4329min/859,740s left...
anyway, bio revision went very well today. finished reading through the txt-bk and have done one full paper. i think i'm gonna fail it, but i sincerely hope i've studied hard enough to get a b3. i dun expect much for something i've not tried hard for at all, so please at least give me a decent result. after all, this is a lot more than i have originally planned to study.
and money matters is getting a li'l out of hand. gaming and tech stuff sure is expenisve. i've already spent close to 300 this year stocking up on my games and gadgets but somehow i don't see myself being satisfied until i throw in another 300 (and that's assuming i don't get myself that ultra cool ipod). i'm wasting too much money, but then again i don't waste much except for on food.
47% of the main exams have passed, so 10 days more before this thing ends. a li'l funny how there was a time not so long ago when i wasn't exactly looking forward to that day. ~239h/1,4329min/859,740s left...
Monday, November 08, 2004
Jurong Library, "Guy in my mirror"
Jurong library was so cool! ok, so jeffrey's there and finally i get to drink some decent coffee again (not the horrible one at amk and not the small serving in woodlands) but it's more than that. first, even though the cafe is smaller than woodlands, there r not many people there so it gives a better feeling. but what impressed me was the layout and atmosphere. i was there after the exams and the library and cafe had juz opened, so with very li'l pple there coupled with the whole layout and cushioned seat it actually felt like a mini-hotel lobby. great... now i'm gonna study there for the last week or two. and so glad i managed to clock three hours there today (though half of it was spent reading mags, but then again, i can never concentrate on bio), which is more than anything i've spent after the prelims... juz too bad nura and doreen ain't with jeff or jurong library will juz be like heaven.
and as i gush bout things one moment and lament bout others another, life slowly trudges on. other people have been saying how more than half of the exams are over and it's gonna end soon, but it is never fast enuf for me. after all, after so much work, so much effort, we're only at the 8th day out of the 19days of the main examinations. the break is gd to study geog but i'm starting to take the foot off the pedal. and we're not even half way through this thing... again i wanna reassure myself with all the talk bout perserverence, etc, but as britney would put it...
'Cause the girl (guy?) in my mirror
Is crying out tonight
And there's nothing I can tell her
To make her feel alright
Oh the girl in my mirror
Is crying 'cause of you
And I wish there was something
Something I could do
If I could
I would tell her
Not to be afraid
The pain that she's feeling
The sense of loneliness will fade
So dry your tears and rest assured
Love will find you like before
When she's looking back at me
I know nothing really works that easily
OK, so i'm not love sick or sth, but i feel these lyfics really apply to my situation now. i can't do anything to tell myself that everything would be fine but yet i wanna believe in myself, wanna be confident of myself
anyway, britney's songs used to be so much better and some were even meaningful unlike the newer ones... wat is she thinking now anyway, wat with this totally fake attitude and lifestyle.
and as i gush bout things one moment and lament bout others another, life slowly trudges on. other people have been saying how more than half of the exams are over and it's gonna end soon, but it is never fast enuf for me. after all, after so much work, so much effort, we're only at the 8th day out of the 19days of the main examinations. the break is gd to study geog but i'm starting to take the foot off the pedal. and we're not even half way through this thing... again i wanna reassure myself with all the talk bout perserverence, etc, but as britney would put it...
'Cause the girl (guy?) in my mirror
Is crying out tonight
And there's nothing I can tell her
To make her feel alright
Oh the girl in my mirror
Is crying 'cause of you
And I wish there was something
Something I could do
If I could
I would tell her
Not to be afraid
The pain that she's feeling
The sense of loneliness will fade
So dry your tears and rest assured
Love will find you like before
When she's looking back at me
I know nothing really works that easily
OK, so i'm not love sick or sth, but i feel these lyfics really apply to my situation now. i can't do anything to tell myself that everything would be fine but yet i wanna believe in myself, wanna be confident of myself
anyway, britney's songs used to be so much better and some were even meaningful unlike the newer ones... wat is she thinking now anyway, wat with this totally fake attitude and lifestyle.
Sunday, November 07, 2004
Random, Meaningless Post #2
I'm indulging myself too much nowadays... i'm still using my pc extravagantly, still playing games, and i find myself now fantasizing bout the end of exams and what i'm gonna do then. i must stop this... i will not get complacent... bio's going a li'l behind schedule now even though it's already more than what i've planned. hopefully i'd still finish studying early enuf to do a paper or two.
and then there's the crucial one week. i've found myself lamenting a lot bout how i'm gonna prevent my self from taking it too easy. there's the crucial geog paper and i need to clear quite a lot of concepts and learn how to ans certain qns for physics. also cannot allow my a maths and chem to get rusty... grrr... the one week's vital for the studying of geog but somehow i fret i'm never gonna get it done. i'm gonna tell myself i still have time but end up having to rush and press the panic button. i definitely need to get back on track and find motivation fast.
went to yio chu kang/amk for a haircut and then proceeded to the library today, meeting zhi liang there. so we studied together and i realised one thing. studying with friends make it much, much easier to clock more hours. however, u spend quite some time talking and stuff, resulting in decreased efficiency... now wondering how i should study for the remaining days. i've struggled to study for more than an hour or two along the past few days so maybe being with friends will help improve that, but should i go with that at the cost of productivity? hmm... anyway, will go jurong tml to visit jeffrey so would make my decisions on tues.
and on another thing, saw a notice outside the cafe at amk saying they are looking to hire. interesting... i was initially keen to work at the cafe at woodlands part time during the holidays but now with jeff at jurong, it's gonna be much harder to pop the qn to him whether there are any vacancies there. if they do not, should i go work at amk? i think it'd be kinda weird since i know nobody there and i'm not an outgoing person who makes friends easily (sigh... two of the requirements was outgoing and positive attitude which neither i possessed). maybe i should start thinking bout that after the exams. terence keeps reminding me when i detract during conversations to talk bout plans after that, so guess i should heed his advice. and yet another dilemma is whether i should even go to work at all. on one hand, it will help finance my hefty gaming and gadget bills (ipod is a certain if i can work for a mnth) but at the same time it would mean much, much less time to game and socialise with friends (i find it so weird that this is coming from me...) bah, i'm gonna put that to one side until later...
PS. Looks like this is the second time i've made no real point... pardon me...
and then there's the crucial one week. i've found myself lamenting a lot bout how i'm gonna prevent my self from taking it too easy. there's the crucial geog paper and i need to clear quite a lot of concepts and learn how to ans certain qns for physics. also cannot allow my a maths and chem to get rusty... grrr... the one week's vital for the studying of geog but somehow i fret i'm never gonna get it done. i'm gonna tell myself i still have time but end up having to rush and press the panic button. i definitely need to get back on track and find motivation fast.
went to yio chu kang/amk for a haircut and then proceeded to the library today, meeting zhi liang there. so we studied together and i realised one thing. studying with friends make it much, much easier to clock more hours. however, u spend quite some time talking and stuff, resulting in decreased efficiency... now wondering how i should study for the remaining days. i've struggled to study for more than an hour or two along the past few days so maybe being with friends will help improve that, but should i go with that at the cost of productivity? hmm... anyway, will go jurong tml to visit jeffrey so would make my decisions on tues.
and on another thing, saw a notice outside the cafe at amk saying they are looking to hire. interesting... i was initially keen to work at the cafe at woodlands part time during the holidays but now with jeff at jurong, it's gonna be much harder to pop the qn to him whether there are any vacancies there. if they do not, should i go work at amk? i think it'd be kinda weird since i know nobody there and i'm not an outgoing person who makes friends easily (sigh... two of the requirements was outgoing and positive attitude which neither i possessed). maybe i should start thinking bout that after the exams. terence keeps reminding me when i detract during conversations to talk bout plans after that, so guess i should heed his advice. and yet another dilemma is whether i should even go to work at all. on one hand, it will help finance my hefty gaming and gadget bills (ipod is a certain if i can work for a mnth) but at the same time it would mean much, much less time to game and socialise with friends (i find it so weird that this is coming from me...) bah, i'm gonna put that to one side until later...
PS. Looks like this is the second time i've made no real point... pardon me...
Saturday, November 06, 2004
Jeffrey
I can't believe that jeffrey's involved in the staff rotation at the library cafes as well... found it a bit weird two days ago when only eileen and the aunty cook was there with two new staff members, and how that upper-management woman was there for two consecutive days (jeff always seem so stressed when those management pple are there), so finally asked eileen today and it's confirmed... jeff's at jurong now, so guess i'd be going there on monday to pay him a visit.
how sad... now woodlands library had lost the sense of 'homeliness' without jeff. now i understand how emily feels. i couldn't study more than 2h these few days cos i couldn't help but think if jeff is transfered... the new staff members are polite and all, but they will never be the same as jeff, doreen and nura. sigh. eileen is the newest of all the staff originally there, so i dun know her well at all except for the fact that she knows what i wanna order. and sometimes i feel that she's trying a li'l too hard to give the customer service that she seems too formal and courteous. juz like today when i asked bout jeff she seemed like she held back and tried to attend to my order again... maybe i'd make jurong library my studying spot now.
kinda regret not going woodlands library more often nowadays. quite a long time back i remember jeff asking me bout when my exams will end and he'd no longer see me at the cafe, but i promised him that i'd still be a regular there after the exams juz to enjoy his coffee. however, i 've not been going there regularly after the prelims cos i've been studying with my friends and the library's been chasing pple out at times...
it's so ironic that i frenquented the cafe less cos i wanna be with my friends more before we part, but now, i seem to have neglected jeff's frenship as well. sure, we only talk over the counter for a few minutes every day then, but that happened for bout 2 mnths so u can't deny the bonds built. sometimes i really admire jeff cos he seems so natural talking to others. i'm a black sheep for libra with a small social circle and i make friends really slowly cos i see a distinct difference between a friend and someone i juz happen to know by name and have exchanged a few greetings. a lot of time, i dun go that extra step to make new friends cos i'm shy, afraid or watsoever, so for jeff to turn out to be a fren is a very rare thing.
i still remember our first conversation bout how i drink coffee everyday; the time i spotted him in those cool sunglasses and jacket when he's off shift and how i mocked him for that. i still remember how surprised i was to see nura with her hair down and that biker's outfit and helmet; eileen's first day at work and how jeff explained the stuff to her; the times jeff was playing tricks on those li'l kids and that grin on his face; those times he would give me that evil, inviting look, tempting me to buy more things from the cafe and wasting hundreds of dollars on them... i've forged memories there with him and co. our relationship's still only limited to those chats over the counter but somehow, i felt a sense of belonging to woodlands cos of him. as if the grad thing wasn't sad enuf now he's so much further off and it'd be so much harder for me to enjoy his coffee... now i can't have him 'concoct' some super strong coffee for the afternoon chem paper to keep me alert cos it's juz too far...
maybe i'm making too much of this? maybe i'm juz one of the many customers of his? i dunno, but as far as i'm concerned, his customer service is the best in the world. i'd interested to see how he is at jurong on monday. is nura and doreen with him? sigh, if only at least one of those three were still at woodlands i'd still sth to talk with the staff... or maybe if they were transferred to amk or somewhere more accessible...
to end off on a better note, i've made some progress with my bio and i think i might even finish studying the info on time to do some practice papers/tys. also, the end of the exams is inching closer and closer every day and i can't wait for the activities after that. i'm planning to be real irritating and visit friends uninvited then. and i can't wait for the chalets, where i'd have so much to do. moreover, the e7 chalet might also finally be out of that standstill as shaun has said he'd ask his parents bout it. i really want to meet up and hang out with those friends too... Till then, i'd be patiently awaiting for the exams to end...
how sad... now woodlands library had lost the sense of 'homeliness' without jeff. now i understand how emily feels. i couldn't study more than 2h these few days cos i couldn't help but think if jeff is transfered... the new staff members are polite and all, but they will never be the same as jeff, doreen and nura. sigh. eileen is the newest of all the staff originally there, so i dun know her well at all except for the fact that she knows what i wanna order. and sometimes i feel that she's trying a li'l too hard to give the customer service that she seems too formal and courteous. juz like today when i asked bout jeff she seemed like she held back and tried to attend to my order again... maybe i'd make jurong library my studying spot now.
kinda regret not going woodlands library more often nowadays. quite a long time back i remember jeff asking me bout when my exams will end and he'd no longer see me at the cafe, but i promised him that i'd still be a regular there after the exams juz to enjoy his coffee. however, i 've not been going there regularly after the prelims cos i've been studying with my friends and the library's been chasing pple out at times...
it's so ironic that i frenquented the cafe less cos i wanna be with my friends more before we part, but now, i seem to have neglected jeff's frenship as well. sure, we only talk over the counter for a few minutes every day then, but that happened for bout 2 mnths so u can't deny the bonds built. sometimes i really admire jeff cos he seems so natural talking to others. i'm a black sheep for libra with a small social circle and i make friends really slowly cos i see a distinct difference between a friend and someone i juz happen to know by name and have exchanged a few greetings. a lot of time, i dun go that extra step to make new friends cos i'm shy, afraid or watsoever, so for jeff to turn out to be a fren is a very rare thing.
i still remember our first conversation bout how i drink coffee everyday; the time i spotted him in those cool sunglasses and jacket when he's off shift and how i mocked him for that. i still remember how surprised i was to see nura with her hair down and that biker's outfit and helmet; eileen's first day at work and how jeff explained the stuff to her; the times jeff was playing tricks on those li'l kids and that grin on his face; those times he would give me that evil, inviting look, tempting me to buy more things from the cafe and wasting hundreds of dollars on them... i've forged memories there with him and co. our relationship's still only limited to those chats over the counter but somehow, i felt a sense of belonging to woodlands cos of him. as if the grad thing wasn't sad enuf now he's so much further off and it'd be so much harder for me to enjoy his coffee... now i can't have him 'concoct' some super strong coffee for the afternoon chem paper to keep me alert cos it's juz too far...
maybe i'm making too much of this? maybe i'm juz one of the many customers of his? i dunno, but as far as i'm concerned, his customer service is the best in the world. i'd interested to see how he is at jurong on monday. is nura and doreen with him? sigh, if only at least one of those three were still at woodlands i'd still sth to talk with the staff... or maybe if they were transferred to amk or somewhere more accessible...
to end off on a better note, i've made some progress with my bio and i think i might even finish studying the info on time to do some practice papers/tys. also, the end of the exams is inching closer and closer every day and i can't wait for the activities after that. i'm planning to be real irritating and visit friends uninvited then. and i can't wait for the chalets, where i'd have so much to do. moreover, the e7 chalet might also finally be out of that standstill as shaun has said he'd ask his parents bout it. i really want to meet up and hang out with those friends too... Till then, i'd be patiently awaiting for the exams to end...
Wednesday, November 03, 2004
Arcade, Ipod, Friends & English
i can't believe i actually went to the arcade today during the o levels... and i can't believe how lik and zl dun find this idea kinda weird. it's one thing to not stress urself out but seemingly another to go to the arcade. in the end, the photo hunt was pretty fun but now i gotta get back. didn't do much today cos i only have one e maths paper 1 left but realised how careless i still can be. i thought i'd corrected that prob a li'l by doing the tys some time back but it's now back to haunt me. for the maths exams to come, i need to be really, really careful and i should do it. after all, i need both of the maths to take f maths during jc.
and the conversation bout ipod with emily, lik and zl made me even more enticed to get one. did a check on it and looks like apple had pulled the plug on the 15gb version. gosh... now i gotta pay 550 for the 20gb version if i wanna get one... sigh... but i shouldn't be thinking bout this now... it's the o levels. i need to get over with this by producing my best for every paper. i have worked hard, so no point letting all of the effort go to waste.
but going to the arcade made me think more bout friends and the coming chalet. remembered the last chalet too, and started reminiscing all those fond memories of yesterday with my friends. those thoughts of leaving soon came back... dun wanna talk too much bout it in case i get too emotional and sentimental (or in ash's words, i'm gonna cry, AGAIN) so i juz gotta wait till the exams are over. so before then, i must juz try to keep myself in best condition to produce my top form during the Os. no point trying to cram in new things now. hopefully i've learnt enuf to get through this hurdle without too much hitch.
eng wasn't that well done today. i didn't give off my best for the compo and what i thought was a gd guided would be penalised for the format. compre was alrite but summary was shaky. i guess that might mean the a1 hope might be gone, but i dun think i should slip from a a2 or b3 with this performance. still, there's always hope, the reason why humans are still in existence. May this exams end soon
and the conversation bout ipod with emily, lik and zl made me even more enticed to get one. did a check on it and looks like apple had pulled the plug on the 15gb version. gosh... now i gotta pay 550 for the 20gb version if i wanna get one... sigh... but i shouldn't be thinking bout this now... it's the o levels. i need to get over with this by producing my best for every paper. i have worked hard, so no point letting all of the effort go to waste.
but going to the arcade made me think more bout friends and the coming chalet. remembered the last chalet too, and started reminiscing all those fond memories of yesterday with my friends. those thoughts of leaving soon came back... dun wanna talk too much bout it in case i get too emotional and sentimental (or in ash's words, i'm gonna cry, AGAIN) so i juz gotta wait till the exams are over. so before then, i must juz try to keep myself in best condition to produce my top form during the Os. no point trying to cram in new things now. hopefully i've learnt enuf to get through this hurdle without too much hitch.
eng wasn't that well done today. i didn't give off my best for the compo and what i thought was a gd guided would be penalised for the format. compre was alrite but summary was shaky. i guess that might mean the a1 hope might be gone, but i dun think i should slip from a a2 or b3 with this performance. still, there's always hope, the reason why humans are still in existence. May this exams end soon
Tuesday, November 02, 2004
Further Ramblings on the Exams
I felt that today's SS was pretty gd, so it's now in the hands of the markers to decide if they feel the same way. So glad i managed to get the three themes that will be tested spot on and except for the conflict qn, they were all pretty standard. I was actually grinning away when i found out bout that after they asked us to check our papers. And the decontextualised case study was kinda expected as well. Juz too bad my last qn was rather poorly done (reliability or usefulness?) and the comparison of tone was kinda shaky, but i'm still satisfied with the exams so far.
now for the big one tml. After failing to do extra compos despite promising myself so many times, i failed again to do it today. Started writing the guided halfway before i juz couldn't concentrate and had to stop. Grr... I need my english to do well, so why can't i put in the effort. Still, i'd be hoping for things to turn well again. my prob seem to be mainly on the need to use more examples in expo to illustrate my points so am wishing the expo topic to be something i have in depth knowledge of.
sigh, my blog's turning so bland and dull with all these talk bout exams. but still, i can't think of anything to talk bout... hmm...
now for the big one tml. After failing to do extra compos despite promising myself so many times, i failed again to do it today. Started writing the guided halfway before i juz couldn't concentrate and had to stop. Grr... I need my english to do well, so why can't i put in the effort. Still, i'd be hoping for things to turn well again. my prob seem to be mainly on the need to use more examples in expo to illustrate my points so am wishing the expo topic to be something i have in depth knowledge of.
sigh, my blog's turning so bland and dull with all these talk bout exams. but still, i can't think of anything to talk bout... hmm...
Monday, November 01, 2004
Thankful, but still wary of things to come
Thankful that things turned out alrite today, but still a li'l fearful that it might flare up tml or the day after. it's under control but still not done yet. also, pls, pls dun let anyone suffer from this. i'd only know come next week but i dun want any guilt. i'm already weared out thinking of this so pls, no more.
Other than that, chinese was gd today. felt i did alrite, so it's up to the markers to see if i'm up to the standard. and though i haven't studied ss today yet, i did some mind maps during the chinese papers and felt gd that i know quite a lot. now to brush up on my growth of nations. hope i can perform tml. KEMPATEI KURASAI!
Other than that, chinese was gd today. felt i did alrite, so it's up to the markers to see if i'm up to the standard. and though i haven't studied ss today yet, i did some mind maps during the chinese papers and felt gd that i know quite a lot. now to brush up on my growth of nations. hope i can perform tml. KEMPATEI KURASAI!
