Friday, November 12, 2004
Smile, cos that's the way everyone does...
[3rd entry, but i just have lots to say today]
A smile is worth a thousand words. a grin, a smirk, a fake smile, a genuine one... they're such small acts, but they can mean so much. this is just how powerful smiles can be. some people say that a smile is a universal language, but somehow someone didn't teach me how to do that. when i look through the photos i took when i was young, i'd cringe at that facial expression i gave, that facial expression which i thought was a smile. turns out its juz a hideous baring of the teeth with no hint of a smile. when i was in chinese orchestra, the instructress always demanded that we smile when we perform. i was often pointed out for not smiling, but i've always thought i did... i strained my facial muscles, i bared my teeth.... but it's not the same.
so slowly i stopped myself from giving that 'smile', restrained all those temptations to show my joy when i wanted to. and slowly, i had to learn how to smile, what most people probably didn't need to. everyday when i look into the mirror, i'd force myself to smile to myself, make some facial expressions to capture whatever i was feeling. however, it didn't seem to be enough and i still couldn't smile when i was not in front of a mirror. it's slowly improving now, but somehow it's still not natural. someone forgot to teach me these simple things it seems. we're supposed to know it anyway...
and there's still so many things which that someone forgot to teach me whereas others seem to handle it so simply. saying hi and goodbye to people i don't know too well requires all the courage i can muster, trying to find some topics to talk about when i'm with other people seem tougher than the toughest examination and test. step by step i try everyday, trying to overcome these obstacles and trials but they don't seem to work, or at least the results ain't showing quick enough.
i've kinda forgot when i first saw this ladder leading up into the clouds. there must be something nice up there, i thought, and proceeded to climb this ladder. it all seemed so fine, as i climbed and climbed. inch by inch i could see the clouds getting closer and closer. it seems like i'd reach the goal in no time. but suddenly i heard someone from above the clouds call my name, warn me about climbing and the dangers that was to come. i heeded the warning, and looked down, hoping to find a way back to where i was. however, i can no longer see the ground, no longer see that comfortable earth that has supported me all my life. since i'm here already, i should just go on, i thought, and proceeded to climb further up. days, months and years passed and finally the clouds were within my reach. but just when i was about to reach there the ladder jerked and down i fell, back to ol' terra firma, back to where i was. i was bruised, i was in pain, but something still compelled me to climb that ladder again. this time i was wary, and took each step gingerly, afraid that i'd fall down again. but still i wanted to climb and see for myself what exactly is there up in the clouds. again and again i fell, but i stubbornly tell myself to continue. "I've already fallen so many times for it, so what is one more time". each time the pain got worse, and each time the ladder looked higher than it was... will i ever reach the end?
lymon once said that while he might see another terence, another ashleigh out on the streets one day, he's sure he'd never see another person like kelvin soh. i don't know what to make of that exactly. everyone is unique, but sometimes i just want to be normal and conform. so i tried to think back about my childhood and my life, and see for myself how exactly different they were.
as hard as i tried, the happy incidents never seem to exceed what i can count with a hand... that vague scene of playing in the playground during kindergarden, running around carefree... the two time in the syf festival when i heard out kebun baru primary school's name for the gold medal... the day mrs lee, sophan, kenneth and me went for the maths olympiad and how mrs lee took inspired me so... then there's all those small li'l things, like doing well in tests and exams, etc but somehow they cannot mask all those sad and unhappy incidents that i can still remember so vividly.
i remember in kindergarden two incidents where i stubbornly refused to admit my mistakes, throwing tantrums and being punished by standing in one corner of the class. till now, i still refuse to admit my mistake... i was wrong in a sense, but i acted on my principles and i still stand by them.
i remember the first children's day i ever celebrated in primary school, when i tried to stand up for a friend and got scolded in the end just because someone else decided to report the incident to the teacher first and couldn't identify that friend of mine. i still remember the guilt i had when i accidentally hit someone in the eye in the process and how i couldn't stop saying sorry and blame myself for making her cry.
i remember the time in primary 3 when my best friend went back to his country myanmar without even telling me about that. to think we used to spend every recess together, talking bout god knows what and he just left without a word, having to know that only when i asked the teacher.
i remember in primary 4 when i did horribly in the mid-yr exams. so bad that i cried. my maths and science, two subjects i've always prided myself in failed to get a band one and i cried my hearts out for that. from that day onwards, i promised myself to no longer take exams seriously and never expect anything from it. from that day, i've never placed much importance in exams anymore except for the sec 2 exams where i had to perform in the maths and science to get the subject comb i want and for the prelims and o levels to get into a decent jc and subject comb.
i remember in primary 5 where i fell out big time with one of my better friends. i forgot what the argument was about but we never spoke to each other ever since then. that time i felt betrayed and hatred, to the point that i decided that i would no longer go into relationships that are too deep to avoid this kind of situations. if you don't know too much about another person you can't hate him that much. however, seems like i've changed that mindset from sec 3.
i remember in primary 6 where i almost came to blows with william over some matters. we had to be dragged away and were kicking in the air while others separated us. we patched up after that and i was thankful that the instructress did not report that to any important personel. from then, i told myself i'd never fight again unless absolutely necessary and promised myself to always take that step backwards when a conflict looks imminent.
i remember in primary 6 again when i showed the 'attitude' to the chinese orchestra instructress and walked out of her class because i was disgruntled bout the over emphasis on winning. in the end i had some talks with mr tan, my favourite principal of all time and have learnt quite a fair bit. kinda like the last time tan gim hua threw my file on the floor and i showed her that expression which got me sent out of the class. if u don't respect me, i won't respect you either...
i remember in sec 1 and 2, where free periods, group work and post exams meant horrible, horrible time staring into blankness not knowing what to do. even mr ong once asked me why i was in a daze once and told me not to think so much at times. everyone seemed to go along well with others but i just can't find anyone in the class whom i share things in common. i thouroughly hated 2e7, and still do so now (note that 2e7 people is a different thing) cos the spirit and learning environment just wasn't there. i admit i was a stuck up and a pain in the ass but still i can't believe i couldn't find anyone whom i can relate to for that two years.
and i still remember that experience where taliban criticised me. so that's what i get for stepping up and taking responsibility while others shirked theirs. isn't there any credit for at least trying? i know everyone have faced that before, getting reprimanded after all the efforts and feeling as though all this have not been appreciated. this is one of the most grosteque feelings to have and i can never forget these instances.
and that's how i've become, this utterly horrible guy. everyone has their problems too, so i shall not wallow in self-pity but try to salvage whatever i can. i've dug this hole out myself and it's my obligation to get myself out of it. no one's gonna help you if you don't help yourself. hopefully one day i can just sit back, look at my life and tell myself that i've done my best and have become what i truly want to be. or hopefully i'd die peacefully in my sleep one fine day before that and indulge in the eternity i've always longed for. now back to the mindless studying... not long left...
A smile is worth a thousand words. a grin, a smirk, a fake smile, a genuine one... they're such small acts, but they can mean so much. this is just how powerful smiles can be. some people say that a smile is a universal language, but somehow someone didn't teach me how to do that. when i look through the photos i took when i was young, i'd cringe at that facial expression i gave, that facial expression which i thought was a smile. turns out its juz a hideous baring of the teeth with no hint of a smile. when i was in chinese orchestra, the instructress always demanded that we smile when we perform. i was often pointed out for not smiling, but i've always thought i did... i strained my facial muscles, i bared my teeth.... but it's not the same.
so slowly i stopped myself from giving that 'smile', restrained all those temptations to show my joy when i wanted to. and slowly, i had to learn how to smile, what most people probably didn't need to. everyday when i look into the mirror, i'd force myself to smile to myself, make some facial expressions to capture whatever i was feeling. however, it didn't seem to be enough and i still couldn't smile when i was not in front of a mirror. it's slowly improving now, but somehow it's still not natural. someone forgot to teach me these simple things it seems. we're supposed to know it anyway...
and there's still so many things which that someone forgot to teach me whereas others seem to handle it so simply. saying hi and goodbye to people i don't know too well requires all the courage i can muster, trying to find some topics to talk about when i'm with other people seem tougher than the toughest examination and test. step by step i try everyday, trying to overcome these obstacles and trials but they don't seem to work, or at least the results ain't showing quick enough.
i've kinda forgot when i first saw this ladder leading up into the clouds. there must be something nice up there, i thought, and proceeded to climb this ladder. it all seemed so fine, as i climbed and climbed. inch by inch i could see the clouds getting closer and closer. it seems like i'd reach the goal in no time. but suddenly i heard someone from above the clouds call my name, warn me about climbing and the dangers that was to come. i heeded the warning, and looked down, hoping to find a way back to where i was. however, i can no longer see the ground, no longer see that comfortable earth that has supported me all my life. since i'm here already, i should just go on, i thought, and proceeded to climb further up. days, months and years passed and finally the clouds were within my reach. but just when i was about to reach there the ladder jerked and down i fell, back to ol' terra firma, back to where i was. i was bruised, i was in pain, but something still compelled me to climb that ladder again. this time i was wary, and took each step gingerly, afraid that i'd fall down again. but still i wanted to climb and see for myself what exactly is there up in the clouds. again and again i fell, but i stubbornly tell myself to continue. "I've already fallen so many times for it, so what is one more time". each time the pain got worse, and each time the ladder looked higher than it was... will i ever reach the end?
lymon once said that while he might see another terence, another ashleigh out on the streets one day, he's sure he'd never see another person like kelvin soh. i don't know what to make of that exactly. everyone is unique, but sometimes i just want to be normal and conform. so i tried to think back about my childhood and my life, and see for myself how exactly different they were.
as hard as i tried, the happy incidents never seem to exceed what i can count with a hand... that vague scene of playing in the playground during kindergarden, running around carefree... the two time in the syf festival when i heard out kebun baru primary school's name for the gold medal... the day mrs lee, sophan, kenneth and me went for the maths olympiad and how mrs lee took inspired me so... then there's all those small li'l things, like doing well in tests and exams, etc but somehow they cannot mask all those sad and unhappy incidents that i can still remember so vividly.
i remember in kindergarden two incidents where i stubbornly refused to admit my mistakes, throwing tantrums and being punished by standing in one corner of the class. till now, i still refuse to admit my mistake... i was wrong in a sense, but i acted on my principles and i still stand by them.
i remember the first children's day i ever celebrated in primary school, when i tried to stand up for a friend and got scolded in the end just because someone else decided to report the incident to the teacher first and couldn't identify that friend of mine. i still remember the guilt i had when i accidentally hit someone in the eye in the process and how i couldn't stop saying sorry and blame myself for making her cry.
i remember the time in primary 3 when my best friend went back to his country myanmar without even telling me about that. to think we used to spend every recess together, talking bout god knows what and he just left without a word, having to know that only when i asked the teacher.
i remember in primary 4 when i did horribly in the mid-yr exams. so bad that i cried. my maths and science, two subjects i've always prided myself in failed to get a band one and i cried my hearts out for that. from that day onwards, i promised myself to no longer take exams seriously and never expect anything from it. from that day, i've never placed much importance in exams anymore except for the sec 2 exams where i had to perform in the maths and science to get the subject comb i want and for the prelims and o levels to get into a decent jc and subject comb.
i remember in primary 5 where i fell out big time with one of my better friends. i forgot what the argument was about but we never spoke to each other ever since then. that time i felt betrayed and hatred, to the point that i decided that i would no longer go into relationships that are too deep to avoid this kind of situations. if you don't know too much about another person you can't hate him that much. however, seems like i've changed that mindset from sec 3.
i remember in primary 6 where i almost came to blows with william over some matters. we had to be dragged away and were kicking in the air while others separated us. we patched up after that and i was thankful that the instructress did not report that to any important personel. from then, i told myself i'd never fight again unless absolutely necessary and promised myself to always take that step backwards when a conflict looks imminent.
i remember in primary 6 again when i showed the 'attitude' to the chinese orchestra instructress and walked out of her class because i was disgruntled bout the over emphasis on winning. in the end i had some talks with mr tan, my favourite principal of all time and have learnt quite a fair bit. kinda like the last time tan gim hua threw my file on the floor and i showed her that expression which got me sent out of the class. if u don't respect me, i won't respect you either...
i remember in sec 1 and 2, where free periods, group work and post exams meant horrible, horrible time staring into blankness not knowing what to do. even mr ong once asked me why i was in a daze once and told me not to think so much at times. everyone seemed to go along well with others but i just can't find anyone in the class whom i share things in common. i thouroughly hated 2e7, and still do so now (note that 2e7 people is a different thing) cos the spirit and learning environment just wasn't there. i admit i was a stuck up and a pain in the ass but still i can't believe i couldn't find anyone whom i can relate to for that two years.
and i still remember that experience where taliban criticised me. so that's what i get for stepping up and taking responsibility while others shirked theirs. isn't there any credit for at least trying? i know everyone have faced that before, getting reprimanded after all the efforts and feeling as though all this have not been appreciated. this is one of the most grosteque feelings to have and i can never forget these instances.
and that's how i've become, this utterly horrible guy. everyone has their problems too, so i shall not wallow in self-pity but try to salvage whatever i can. i've dug this hole out myself and it's my obligation to get myself out of it. no one's gonna help you if you don't help yourself. hopefully one day i can just sit back, look at my life and tell myself that i've done my best and have become what i truly want to be. or hopefully i'd die peacefully in my sleep one fine day before that and indulge in the eternity i've always longed for. now back to the mindless studying... not long left...
