The simpler life...

praying, hoping that tml will not turn out like the one i've dreaded 4 the past two days. and surprisingly, it's not related to lack of studying or anything... pls let all turn out the perfect way... bah, only i know wat i'm talking bout here... i always hate it when the almighty one plays tricks on us (if there is indeed one, pardon my insolence).

there's only a 10% chance of that happening to me, less than 0.1% chance of that happening during exam time and less than .001% of that happening at such an important exam. stack that up and the chances are really, really low. but that's always how it works. even though it always seem so unfair, and the possibility of it happening is so, so, so low, it still happens and someone will have to be the end of it. but still, why me? why at this time? i will not admit defeat. i've decided this path, and i'd take this path till the end, whether i reach a dead end or not. pls let there be light at the end of the tunnel.

humankind is juz so weak, so fragile. so many times so many of us can do nth but hope and pray that things will turn out well. some take up religion to overcome this fear, while i decided otherwise for this very same reason... if i had power, if i was great, i'd eradicate everything that might cause problems. if i can't do that, i'd terminate life then. why give us hope, why give us this wonderful thing when u have to take the lumps with all this. sigh... i've 'xie du shen ming', but pls pardon this puny li'l guy here who thinks he's so great. sigh. maybe that's the reason for all this. and pls dun let anyone get implicated by my irresponsible acts. it's bad enuf trying to take this thing in my stride and i dun want guilt to go along with it.

Sigh... i'm so terribly disappointed with myself that i can't concentrate at this important juncture. sure, everyone's saying that, but 30min today? bah! i can't believe i'm still not giving this exam enuf efforts... sure, the place was really noisy today, and i felt sick... bad luck, what with mild fever, mild sore throat and mild rashes that make u wonder if they're gonna get full blown the next day. i'd try to fight it off, but i'm wasting too much time. and still, 30min is way, way too li'l. i'd never finish enuf ss, i'd never do the eng stuff i wanted to do to improve and who knows, with this slack attitude i might juz go off form for the maths... hope this dressing down of myself can motivate me. i dun have much time left.

i guess my blog's turning really boring with the talk bout exams but i need to do everything i can to inspire myself for it. i need this to vent out my frustrations, tell myself to work hard... i'd be over soon... less than 3 weeks more... i wanna persevere... I WILL SURVIVE! (daphne khoo style?) I WILL EXCEL!

i can't believe i am saying this, but bio prac was fun! i got my fair share of mistakes, but somehow bio practical exams always give u the opportunity to be 'creative'...

for the prelims, there was the tasting and eating of the solutions and specimens to determine the sugar concentration of them. and since two of the solutions were tasteless, i proceeded with a osmosis experiment, putting the same length of the pod we were supposed to draw into the solutions and seeing which one expanded more. thanks to that (and not to my colours in benedict's test) i managed to get the answers... fun...

this time, it's more of the experimenting. too bad the urine inside the specimens meant that i didn't dare taste, and the solutions all reek of a chemical smell. but this time, my own experiment caused a mistake. i did the protein test on my own saliva and it turned out negative so the yellow liquid was my saliva instead... it's a trick qn, i try to assure myself... lol... anyway, the free 6 points for the positive/negative thing should cover that error i hope. then my prawn drawing actually looked like a prawn! so pleased with that. maybe this practical can produce the spark needed to ignite a liking for bio. juz too bad the teacher was staring at me after i started spitting into the beaker that i dare not cook my prawn and eat... lik khian and doug's prawns look so delicious... I juz can't stop grinnning today

I'm drained, both physically and psychologically... i've not been studying much, but i dun think my body can withstand the stress i've put myself under. thinking bout the coming exams, thinking about graduation, trying my best to study, trying my best to make every moment count... recently i've been finding myself lethargic for most parts of the day and unable to concentrate. at least sleeping early yesterday meant i was able to concentrate during the phys prac, but i couldn't do much during the time after it. i'm tired, but for some reason can't get myself to sleep... i juz wanna lie down in my bed for the whole day not doing anything.

wonder if this slack will come back to haunt me when the results are out. i've totally broken my '4h rule' for a wk now, and dun see how i can get back to studying so long. i can't seem to get any momentum going into the exams. i've originally said i have wanted do lots of compos to improve my writing skills, but have yet to write one at all. i have wanted to do 7 ss seq a wk some time back, and again i've still yet to start the first one.

huang lao shi told me during a chat with him today that the teachers have taught all that is to be taught and we'd prob learnt all that is to be learnt too. as long as we dun let previous exams affect our preperation for the next we should do ok. so i'm hoping earnestly that this lack of last minute 'scrimmages' won't matter so much. someone bless us all...

Still brooding over grad even though i've told myself that it's over, but was a pleasant surprise when i found out that ash, candy and weiteng were at woodlands library studying. so i met with some 4e1 pple again, and i definitely treasured every second we spent there together. it still feels very weird thinking bout how we'd no longer have any lessons and how we'd only go back now for exams, but at least i'm spending more time with friends and that's always gd.

but feel so bad now. so guilty that i'm such an insensitive person... the day started out so well, with candy, ash and wei teng arguing over every li'l thing and being all so merry and cheerful. however, things went on, we talked and i failed to notice it's sensitive ground we were at. so there we were, making our jokes and speculation that we failed to take into consideration other pple's feelings. feel so sad that candy ended up so moody cos of what we said. we tried to cheer her up after that, but failed... why is it that i'm always such a heartless person... i'm gonna hate myself for that. hope she'd feel better now.

eventually, it was time to say goodbye... i really didn't want to say that, didn't want to leave. i want to spend that second more with my friends, and another second and another. sigh... so off we went on our separate ways. it's so ironic that we are yearning so much to spend time together now but it's exactly because we meet up that we have to endure that painful goodbye. I'm feeling much better now, but i can't deny that i'm not exactly over graduation. i try to distract myself by playing some computer games but i juz can't concentrate. i lose even in simple puzzle games, i crash my cars so often, i get thrashed by the ai... i slept a lot yesterday cos i juz can't do anything, and i dun see that improving much. i'm scared that my results might suffer big time as a result but i can't bring myself to study when i'm still seriously pondering over things...

someone pls grant us more opportunities to be together. again, it's so ironic that i wanted so much more study leave but it's because of the lack of it that we got more time together. even though it's over, i still want to meet up with friends every day. and after the o levels, i wanna spend every day with them. heck, i think i'm gonna call some of the closer friends out everyday until they think that i'm irritating... and someone pls bless me with time to spend with pple i dun know so well too. they're a part of my memories as well, one of my friends too but we dun know each other so well that we can juz ask them out for a chat or something like that. i still dun wanna part...

i cried... lol... my thoughts r so jumbled up now, with so many things going through my mind, so many things i wanna write bout, so many things i dun wanna forget, so many things i want to relive...

when the grad day ceremony was over, i thought i'd survived it, thought at least today won't be that sad after all. however, ms chan came into class, gave us some really touching words and broke down herself. and when i thought bout what she said and recalled all those memories of zhss, i can't help but feel that scrunch in my heart. still going strong at least, but junio breaking down totally did it 4 me. i admire him a lot, and want to sincerely thank him for all the things he'd done for the class. juz too bad i dun talk much with him cos of a lack of common topic, but he's a great, great monitor for 4e1. so the tears came...

so that's how crying feels like... the warm feeling in the eyes, water being squeezed out of ur eyes... i thought i'd never cry again after primary 5 then, but these friends i've got to know in this four yrs are worth crying for. sure, we can meet up and everything, but it'd never be the same. we'd never be in the same classroom together, standing up, greeting the teacher, learning and everything... i dun wanna move on, i want to stay with the class...

pple soon started streaming out, and as much as i tried to say gdbye to everyone i couldn't. still, i didn't want to leave... i wanted to be the last to leave the classroom. well, junio and tricia's determination (the two of them were super suay juz now man... handphone confiscated by ms loo after grad...) and my bladder...

i looked back at my pri sch photo, and as much as i miss our old days sometimes, i can only remember a few of them. i dun want that to happen this time round. i dun wanna forget terence, our fave sing idol and the funniest guy on earth. i dun wanna forget ash, always up to tricks but still a gd fren nonetheless. i dun wanna forget jun liang, lymon, lik khian, eric, sook lee, emmalyn, avril, william, yizhin, zhi liang, ms chan, huang lao shi, ms tan, mr won, mr choo, ms ten, hongyi, hui shan, sharon, aaron, vinnie izyana, jian hao, yanda and so, so, so, so, so, so many more pple... (sorry to those pple's whose names were omitted, i still luv u anyway). all those memories we'd forged together, all those times together... i;m gonna treasure this bond of ours. heck, if nobody will be willing to take the initiative to organise a class gathering or some sort next year and the year after next and after and after, i'm gonna do it. i dun want to lose this bond with these pple. ms chan says that those bond will always be there, but i dun want to have the bonds weakened until we no longer know each other much at all...

and i'm gonna treasure the jig-saw and scrabble rack with my life. i wanna keep the jig-saw in my wallet, always close to me reminding me of the memories but i dun want to risk ever losing it. if somehow i still do, i'm gonna kill myself or something like that. I LUV 4E1. I LUV EX-2E7 PPLE...

Chem practical today, and wasn't gd at all. titration was alrite, but was super careless in the planning and naming of m, followed by a horror qa... nvm, it's over already so i shouldn't talk bout it. juz have to do better in the written papers and hope for the best.

nth much today, so i think i'd make it short. i have been talking too much on graduation and how i'm sacrificing too much studying time juz to be with friends... i'm drawing a blank right now... belief in urself can only bring u so far be4 u start getting complacent, and i'm not gonna let it happen to me.

also been thinking of wat cca to join when i get to jc. swimming seems outta the qn now considering how much training is involved. and while i should be able to climb if i join CO, will i be willing to put in that effort? on one hand, i miss playing chinese music but what if joining CO mean i would lose my love for the yangqin again? what if it all ends up like last time. moreover, the yangqin's play more of a minor role in a full orchestra (sure, it's very important in keeping the beat for the whole orchestra, but the dizi and erhu are generally given the lead tunes)... decisions, decisions, decisions... or maybe i'd end up joining a cca with li'l committment needed (library?). we're always faced with these crossroads, and i can't help but ponder upon how things might turn out.

I find myself trying to spend as much time with my friends as i can nowadays. so much so that i might be neglecting my studies a li'l, but i wanna cherish watever time we have together. sigh... we're gonna be separated soon... and sook lee's photo rampage today reminded me even more of how close we r be4 we leave. maybe i'm gonna do the same for the chalets (hopefully the e7 one will still make it), but beneath all those smiles in the pictures, fake or otherwise, we cannot deny the sadness that things are gonna change.

and it didn't strike me that a lot of teachers had their last lesson with us already until ms tan gave us the cards. except for mr yeo and ms ten, we'd no longer have the teachers' lessons anymore. no more jokes, no more learning together, no more... wanna thank all the teachers 4 those wonderful memories...

i was initially skeptical bout ms chan's teaching in sec 3, but she started becoming better imo and i've learned quite some things from her. and as our form teacher, she's done a decent job and as much as i always mock her by using her pet phrases... at the end of the day, the onus is on us to work hard, yada yada. she had been a gd teacher, and i luv her 4 that.

next, i would like to thank ms tan. again, i was totally unconvinced by her teaching at first, but soon grew used to it and learned how to learn on my own. but what have impressed me was her teaching attitude (unless she's on one of those moody days). we gave fake laughs when she tried to make lessons fun by saying some jokes, i did less than a third of the total hw she gave us and everything, but it feels gd when a teacher tries to understand ur problems. dunno how to describe it, but i felt gd when she told us we could slow down on some of the maths papers if other subjects' workload were piling up, and i was kinda motivated when she tried to encourage us in our small groups during peer tutoring... THANK YOU MISS TAN. if i ever become a teacher, then credit will go to you (though i guess my students will hate her for that)

then we have miss ten. it's a pity she was in thailand for so long cos we could have forged so much more memories if she stayed. still, i'd never forget the debate preparations when she decided to let her hair down and be more informal with us, cracking all those wise, sarcastic jokes. i'd never forget how she loves to scorn eric and hit him back whenever he tries argue sth... i wanna try my best for english, and i must credit some of my motivation to her. at least we'd hear 'first things first' for one last time on friday, so hope that lesson will end with a bang.

and huang lao shi's impact is pretty great. i have never liked chinese, and sec 1 and 2 didn't do anything to help that. so i entered express chinese in sec 3 thinking of juz scrapping through with a c6 in the o levels. but lo and behold, huang lao shi has managed to actually make chinese pretty fun. i remember those days where chinese were the last period and i left the classroom after sch with this sweet feeling inside thinking how interesting chinese can be. and though i didn't get a 1 the first time round, i think i'd be working hard to try get it this time round. kinda sad how i didn't realise yesterday was the last chinese period... we had so much fun playing 'cheng yu pictionary' but i forgot to savour every moment of that. add all the stories bout army and everything and i can safely proclaim that huang lao shi is a hell of a teacher. Thanks.

mr won is up next. i've always liked his idea of how understanding is the most important in learning chem. i've always enjoyed his li'l stories and tips (3M, sitting in front during lectures) and have always thought working for innovation companies like 3M fun as a result. juz too bad i lack the determination to work without an end in sight for R&D. i felt i've learnt quite a lot under him, and as a result am skewing towards chem in my subject combination in jc. once again, thank you.

mr choo deserves major credit too. i dun really like his high rate of absenteeism in lessons (though the free periods were alwasy appreciated) but i feel that he manages to teach and explain the key concepts very well. sometimes i wonder how he manages to still teach everything even though he'd missed so many lessons. juz a li'l too bad physics answers very often require correct phrasing and choice of words in addition to understanding so sometimes it gets a little tough. but i still remember the time the few of us stayed back after sch and used the whole afternoon clarifying doubts we have over one of the other sch's papers. since coming to sec sch i've seldom felt this immense joy of learning, the thrill of gaining new knowledge and insight, so i'd like to thank him for providing juz that.

last but not least, mr yeo. i think i've said enuf bout him in my previous entries, but even though we call him kiasu, boring, etc, i like to reiterate the fact that he obviously loves teaching. can't deny the hard work he'd put in, and though i did not gain much from it, there were some of my classmates who developed a love for bio because of it. so for dunno how many times i've said it, thank you.

still, there are the other teachers whom i haven't been in contact enuf to warrant a paragraph. ms tham for making cme kinda fun (too bad i couldn't top it), and i'd prob never forget to lead a meaningful and enriching lifestyle because of cme. the sec 1 and two teachers as well... mrs raj, mrs seah, mr ong, ms tan (i still remember her even though she's only thought us science for not very long. then i was science rep and she did give me quite some encouraging words), ms shergill (sp) (ogles ;P), gavin lee, mrs tobias... i know i've prob missed out quite some teachers, so thanks to them as well for making an impact on me. heck, juz cos i should not be biased and everything i'd even thank lao zhang and tan gim hua.

So as if i haven't said that enuf, THANK YOU, TEACHERS! i've been blessed to be under some really gd and dedicated teachers since primary sch, but i can't do anything to really acknowledge their efforts. so seeing how noble these teachers are, i think i should really not be a teacher. it's gd paying and it's stable but it's totally against my principles and whoever's under me will suffer big time... i wonder...

Wanna thanks everyone for the birthday wishes. actually forgot bout it until emily wished me happy bday while i was on the way to sch... then ash was making such a big fuss over my bday like it's the most important day of the world or sth. then emmalyn and sook lee came over to my class and wished me happy bday as well... lol... that was funny...

that was pretty happy, but i'm rather sad over something else. i feel so bad, so guilty that hongyi have once again failed to get the top in level... and again it felt so undeserved... juz cos of his chinese which pulled him down as he was only given a generalised 80. so for the second time in a row, he's denied the top in level honour even though he's got by far the highest marks. last yr i already felt so undeserving after how hongyi got a higher percentage. i can't wait to pass on the 'glory' back to him then cos it's not supposed to be mine anyway. now it've happened again. sigh... think i might speak to miss chan bout it tml... i juz feel so bad, so bad...

wrl has started chasing pple out... boo... now gotta study at mac. actually, i can't wait for the o levels to come. so i haven't completed my revision, but i dun want to have the time to panic. i'm sticking to my 4h rule, but it seems too li'l. at this rate, i'm only gonna complete bout 3 full papers and that dun seem enuf. others seem like they can study for so long without losing their concentration or determination...

at least i'm really concentrating during the time i study. sometimes i wonder how i managed to really block out all other thoughts while studying and i'm amazed. i used to not do hw, but i've changed. it took me half a yr to really gain that momentum, so i can't help but wonder how i'd be like in jc. or will i add to my 'nerdiness' by actually revising my stuff be4 there's something due. i wonder...

i think it's time to stop doing those papers. i need some of them be4 the specific exams and my humanities is lacking way behind. i ought to be doing those qns now but i think i've forgotten most of the stuff already.

but enuf of exams. i can't wait 4 the chalets and that's prob the only thing i'm looking forward to. i wanna do this, i wanna do that... dun thnk i'm going anywhere and i'm making no point, so will end of now....

second day of the jc tours, but it was rather ho-hum... as if we ain't tired enuf walking and running for tj from bedok mrt, my error made us wander along bk timah road and dunearn road for 15 min again. in the end, we were all sweating profusely at nj. nth special there which impressed me, but maybe it's juz cos tj's atmosphere was so gd. so i guess nj's off my list as well together with ny.

after that, we went to aj. as commented by so many pple, it was indeed the boring sch. again, i wasn't too impressed. still, it's the closest respectable jc but aj have no doubt dropped down a few places on my list after originally seeming like my first choice. hmmm...

last was vj. we took 76 following lik khian's suggestion but ended up taking so, so long that we reached vj at 3+ even though their open house ended at 3. maybe i should take that into account for my 'appraisal' but i'm certainly not impressed. it did not look like the 'hip' jc which it was made out to be. and i'm not very happy when no one offered to willingly guide us or tell us bout the jc during our whole 20min there. at ny there were these group of girls after 15min which offered to answer any qns we had, at tj someone offered to be a guide only a short while after the principal's speech was done, nj provided guided tours and the guide was alrite and someone eventually offered to be a guide at aj after 10min of roaming aimlessly. i muz contend that most of the pple were in the mass dance but i'm still surprised none of the pple packing up or juz loitering around talked to us and tried to make us feel at ease. at least the pple at the gate were a li'l better but i'm not gonna travel so far for an average jc spirit. of course, it might be unfair to them to base my opinion on one day, but if u can't entice me during ur open house (even if the time is up), i dun feel inclined to join it.

so tj should be my choice now. at least the travel time is about the same as going to zhonghua cos of the bus to bedok from woodlands. I think anyone who went there must have felt that spirit in there. i'm very impressed by it and i wanna be in this kind of atmosphere 4 my next two yrs. now it's bout convincing other pple to go there. so far it seems like ash and lymon r interested and maybe lik khian while we still need to convince terence (blame him 4 not coming with us to tj). i dun think we can explain the experience to those who did not go there but i hope to see more pple going there so it doesn't feel so foreign... hmmm...

and i felt kinda bad today. after aj, candy and weiteng called ash and wanted to join our group in going vj. on one hand, we took a long route there and caused them to miss the open house. on the other hand, the grp of guys were walking so fast ahead of them that it felt like they weren't even there. i felt really bad leaving someone alone when we'd agreed to let them tag along. maybe it's cos i'm the 'tour guide' this time round and i wanted to accomodate everyone but i feel guilty leaving pple out....

finally, the most impossible, scary and unfathomable thing happened juz now. hongyi called me! hongyi! i think he might juz be the last guy i'd expect picking up the phone. i did call him once be4 when someone wanted me to pass a msg to him, but still it's feels creepy and freaky to find a call from him. seems like he's interested in tj as well, asking me bout how to get there. so pple are interested in tj which is gd. i'm still feeling so weird... i think i fear hongyi sometimes cos he's so quiet and thinking all the time.

on anothre note, after vj, i had a long, long chat with lymon and terence. i found it very satisfying and enjoyable, but terence seem to be weighed down too much by the o lvls. and they stirred my emotions so much that i almost cried. we were talking and talking and suddenly when we stopped i felt something really stirring in my chest. it felt like tears were gonna come out, really. think that's the closest i've been to crying since primary 5... cos of that, i think i'd be very emotional during graduation. i originally thought that i'd juz feel a li'l sad during graduation but nothing more, but now i truly care bout those around me. i dun wanna leave... hope we can all go to the same jc...

# posted by Kelvin @ 9:19 PM 0 comments

Juz when i thought that i has finally fizzled out, here it comes again... bah...

anyway, it's the jc open houses day 1 today. went to ny earlier and it has done nothing to improve my opinion of it. i'd always regarded ny as a dour and dead jc after seeing them sometimes and this open house juz more than confirmed it. now, i'm convinced that i'd never ever consider ny even if my o level results slip that far. i can't imagine two yrs there. the only gd thing was the nice gp teacher who seemed very humourous and engaging in addition to the pretty nice class rooms they have, but the atmosphere is juz way too bad.

next up was tj, and the moment we stepped into it we could feel the difference with ny. even taking into account the fact that it is their open house, tj was juz so bustling with life i can't help but envy it. and it's the biggest jc in singapore at that and that is evident in the amount of open spaces available. everything juz felt so warm. i'm really impressed with what i've seen. so much so that i'm actually seriously considering it despite it's proximity from my house. this is the kind of atmosphere i wanna study in. i might stick out like a sore thumb cos i definitely will not fit into this lifestyle, but maybe joining tj will help me change for the better. if only there had a pool...

The jc open houses coming on this weekend, but looks like the schedule's so packed that i can fit in no more than 3 jcs on saturday and 2 on friday. and i was still hoping i can visit all the jcs around to really see everything. now with my tentative schedule i'd only be able to stay at one for around one hour, which i dun think will be enuf if we r to take part in the activities organised, etc plus a full tour. and i can't find time to even attend two of the principal's talks...

moreover there's this sick amount of time needed to travel. nj to aj and to vj will take bout 1 hour each, so with most of the open houses starting at 10 and ending so early at 3, we have so little time. the jcs should be a li'l more organised like the poly open houses where they actually provide shuttle buses to and fro the different polys around singapore, collaborating things so that the schedules dun clash so much. enough of ramblings, but hope that we'd get a gd guide at the tours...

and i dunno if i should be thankful or upset bout today. on one hand, i've spent some quality time together with ash, lymon and eric (and maybe patrick to a lesser extent) at bk and then eric's house. once again, talked bout the past and everything (and terence will definitely live in our hearts for a very long time... lol...) while this is no doubt nice, there goes a day and with it 2 or 3 other sch papers snowballing to tomorrow. i'm already struggling a li'l to complete them even after giving up on bio, so wonder if the other pple can handle this workload...

anyway, the amateur video taking thing was fun. ash was making some really funny home-made videos... we ought to get together one day after the exams to do these kind of things. now these sentimental thoughts come to us when we defnitely need to devote time on studying too... it's bout balance i guess

Everthing's gonna come to an end soon, but everything's gonna start as well. i really didn't expect it to be so fast. after all, there's still so much i need to do. i need to do more maths and chem papers to make sure i really know everything and m careful enuf, i need to do more physics to grasp the concepts better and learn how to phrase my answers, i need to read more books, newspapers and magazines as well as write more compos, guided and do more compres and summarys to improve my english, i need to restudy all my geog and ss stuff, i need to do more humanities qns to get the skills right... i need to...

somehow i know i'm never ever gonna do all that. i'm starting to really fret, and i wanna press that panic button... however, i know it'd do me no gd. belief, i tell myself, that's what i always tell others... believe in yourself. however, at this critical stage, i'm not too sure. juz like in every exam, i know i could have study that li'l bit harder... i keep telling myself i've never tried so hard, but still, i dun wanna have another chinese where i look back and think that i could have worked this much harder.

but think bout it, i'm very much more hardworking now. no more studying 4 tests on the bus on the way to sch, no more hw rush + copying in sch in the morning... in fact, i'm getting exhausted from all these. last time, i'd study for tests, read a bk or play my gba on the way to sch and back, but now i can't help but doze off whenever i have the chance. when i finally reach home at around 8.30 or so every day, i turn on the computer but almost never boot up a game because i juz dun have the energy to do so. and whenever i come home early, i'd take a nap. a long nap. sigh...

soon, we'd be all moving on. i've had my complains and everything bout the sch and everything in it, but i can't deny that i've grown attached to it. lol, i sound so sentimental nowadays. i think i must juz cry soon if this continues. actually, i wouldn't mind crying now. it's been p3 since i really shed a tear and sec 2 when i felt really, really down, but this time it's so different, so surreal.

i want more time, to be with my friends, to study for the 'o's. but even that will not be enuf cos i know i can't concentrate that well and i'd juz waste most of the time away. i wanna think of the gd things that follow after the exams, but somehow i'm not exactly eagerly anticipating it. sure, i'd like everything to end, but i've grown so used to studying after sch and everything that my life might juz seem meaningless after it and everything takes a nosedive...

hmmm... i've always wanted my blog to be something more than a typical teenager's blog, something which can really reach out and make pple think bout things but seems like i'm not doing it. all this talk bout exam stress and everything... who can't find things like that... but it's my life, and at least i'd make sure everything here's what i really feel and my true self. this part of me...

i dreamt of my yangqin pals today... not exactly dreamt since it was actually during a short nap and i was only half-asleep, but... that makes it the second time in the past two weeks. how weird it is that this only happened four years after we parted. i feel really sad thinking bout it, thinking bout how it turned out, but i really miss them. miss those times where we'd be cooped together for so long after school talking while we practice... it took me two yrs be4 my hatred for the chinese orchestra died down and now, four years before i remembered my friends there... only now did i realise that i truly enjoyed playing the yangqin. i really should have joined them at the cc after primary sch, but then...

oh the memories... william, alvin and co. we definitely enjoyed playing the yangqin, and we definitely enjoyed music. we do complain big time bout the amount of practice but never once did skipping it came to our minds. now, i hate myself for having quit. i still stand by my decision cos the emphasis on winning was so much so that it was no longer bout playing it cos we liked it, but i can't believed that i hated it for two yrs.

i toyed with the idea of joining zhss's chinese orchestra midway through sec 3, but decided against it cos i'm too rusty and i'm afraid the same thing will happen again. and that was probably the last chance i'm ever gonna touch a yangqin. or a chinese drum. or a mu yu. or the cymbals... i wanna blame someone for that, but can't find anyone other than myself.

the sad thing is i've lost touch with all of them after i moved to woodlands. some day i hope that i'd see some of them out on the streets or whatever and sit down to chat about those pleasant and not-so-pleasant memories. we were together from primary 2, and i think we spent more time in the yangqin and ruan rooms than the classrooms. those days i felt so cooped up, but i cannot deny that i enjoyed my time as a chinese orchestra member. we sacrificed a lot for it (i still remember missing out on the sports day in primary 6 because of it when i was so confident i'd get a medal in the high jump... we spent so much time practising, and i never got to enjoy a prize-giving ceremony cos we're performing), but we did gain a lot too. i never knew i was a musical person until then, and the trip to australia was probably one of my best memories. being overseas with those bunch of friends were just so great...

i'm not phrasing my things well, but i'm juz too choked with emotions nowadays. a few yrs down the road i'd be thinking bout what had happened in zhonghua. will it be one of regret or one of many sweet memories? will we be able to stay in contact and get together someday?

and be4 i end off, i'd like to reiterate how much i loved being part of the chinese orchestra. WE WERE ONE OF THE BEST IN SINGAPORE THEN. I LOVE YANGQIN (AND TO A LESSER EXTENT, THE DRUMS AND RUAN). I LOVE ALL MY PREVIOUS CHINESE ORCHESTRA MATES!
I wanna shout them out loud, but we dun have those open fields here in singapore. and extra thanks again to william and alvin for being my best mates then. we argued, we (almost) fought (i can't believe i actually almost came to blows with a person) but i'd almost remember u two as my best mates. ever.

had a long chat with ash, lymon and terence, and realised that lymon and terence are suffering from the same problem as i m. lymon wants to give up, and as much as i want to try motivate him i have no right to do so as i myself had given up as well. but still, i want to give him the strength to take that extra step forward so that i can be given the strength myself to do it. i just do not have the courage, and i need lots of strength if i m to improve. can't help but wonder again how that two empty years with the combination of wrong priorities on my side and the bad luck to be in a bad environment and atmosphere affected me. i can never get my two yrs back, but at my state even two years is not enough.

terence, on the other hand, talks bout trying to work on changing and improving. he points out that i definitely have a lot to do, and while i have to agree with him, i can't bring myself to keep trying. i dun wanna grasp at thin air anymore, seeing the light at the end of the tunnel in sight but still unable to reach there. i dun wanna put in so much effort but see no improvement in the end. i juz wanna fall by the wayside, slow down and stop in this neverending race, letting everyone else overtake. who knows, maybe i'd be the luckies person in the world and someone will sincerely want to help me up, guide me through being alive once more and stay with me by my side through thick and thin.

i yearn, i desire, but i can't go anywhere if i dun even try. on one hand, i wanna be myself and not change juz to fit others, but if i dun do anything to improve myself, i'd never be able to achieve one of my most important dreams. sometimes i really admire ash even though he might have a trick too many at times. i really wonder how he's able to take these things in his stride so easily... in fact, i wanna be a lot of pple. i hate myself, but i gotta accept it. everyone have their own problems to handle, and it's whether we can overcome them that determines if we're successful. will i be able to come up top?

I'm disappointed with myself. diasppointed... ashamed... disgusted... i almost broke a promise. a simple promise where i did not stand to lose anything by fulfilling it. a task so simple that anyone could have done. and ultimately, i said i dun mind helping out. however, i contemplated breaking that promise for some reason. sure, i did it in the end, but i'm terribly aghasted i even thought of that. if there's a god, i should be banished to hell immediately. even if there isn't, whoever created this moral conscience in us ought to terminate my puny life. why did i even harbour that thought. is helping out so tough for me? what's the point of my life if i can't even perform such a simple task?

so here i m, thinking a lot bout myself. my principals and my beliefs. so i did quite well in my exams, but what good does it do? in fact, it seems like there are more uncaring, unfeeling people the higher u go up the 'ladder'. i remember my primary school teacher (my fave mrs lee) always telling us how she loves teaching the em3 students more. most of them r trouble students and they do create a lot of problems for her but she says they r the more feeling, passionate and fun students.

while the supposedly better students juz keep trying to scale that unsurmountable wall of education, struggling to keep pace with the others, she said that the em3 students are much more open with their emotions and are hence, more engaging to interact with. i still fondly remember how she used to say they can fight and really beat each other up one day but still be very gd friends the next, joking and laughing together. sadly, i can't do that. sometimes i'm really angry, really agitated, but still i juz shake it off with a fake smile and 'never mind'. however, deep inside in my heart brews a grudge which i'd probably remember for a long time. i try to say i'm fine and everything, but i'm not the sort of person to forgive and forget. i juz keep too much emotions bottled up, leading to this uncaring personality of mine.

and i totally hate this part of me. i juz can't take everything as it is but have to question them, find out what's really going on, weigh the pros and cons, yada yada. it seems like everything i do must have a purpose, must benefit myself and must be effective. dun i care bout others? truthfully, i juz dun see myself helping the needy except for the occasional donations. i hate myself for being this 'snob'

a lot of times, i wish i'm a lot more simple minded (not that i'm so intellectual or anything). i have always admired these people, and interacting with them have very often been fun. they juz take things as they are, and things haappen juz because they do. they never try question anything 'logical' and dun attempt changing them. they're satisfied with the way things are. how nice that would be i think. sometimes i even wish i'm some1 like patrick. he's irritating and very feel people like him but he seems so oblivous to that all. he thinks he's funny, he thinks he's sociable and everything, and never tries to question that. he thinks he's gd, which is more than good enough for me. perhaps it's juz a case of the grass being greener on the other side of the fence, but at least i dun go around yearning for the impossible.

it seems that i might have digressed a li'l and have not really expressed myself the way i really feel, but that should be the gist of it. it's juz one of those days where i juz question myself and wonder what i've done as a person, and if i've been the person i aspire to be. i definitely wish to die early in my sleep one day (late thirties seem like a gd age to die, and i think i've explained my reasoning behing that often enuf), but if somehow i was to live to a ripe old age, i wanna die with a smile in my lips, thinking to myself that i have did everything i could have and i've finally reached my target. fat hopes maybe, but i can hope (i really, really hate this 'optimistic pessimist' mentality of mine)

I think today was the 3rd time ashleigh mentioned that date to me this mnth... lol... sometimes i juz dunno how to handle this schemer always up to no gd. he always seem to have a trick up his sleeves and i dun't seem capable of doing anything against them.

anyway, the date really brought back many memories of lower sec life. and 4 once, they're actually fond memories.

i still remember those days where yizhin would never stop hounding me bout her birthday and make the fact that mine is two days after hers so engraved in my mind. and i still remember my plan during sec 2 for her bday. i set out to buy a most humiliating present for less than a dollar, and eventually toyed with the idea of mocking her by 'proposing' with a key chain ring. well, i never did it in the end but that plan of mine still bring back warm memories.

so i never gave her any present at all, but hey, i have given a grand total of ZERO bday presents in my life. NONE, ZILCH. i've never really put importance in bdays, and they're juz another day 4 me. occasionally i get some money from my parents which is nice but i dun really put much importance in it. so what if i was born on that day? does it really matter? k, so i do celebrate pple's bdays at times, but they r more of a way to tell him/her bout his/her importance as a fren personally. and if not 4 that constant drilling bout 17 and 19th october, i think i might have trouble remembering it.

and that brought back more memories of lower sec life. i still remember the few of us (me, william, yh, yz, and some joined now and then) who would go bowling after exams had ended. it's juz a few games of bowling and a simple lunch after that, but they were fun. most of the time it was juz plain, mindless chatter but that's more than fine with me. i dun really know how to explain this feeling, but it's that warm, fuzzy feeling u get when u reminisce bout the past.

but as always, i get this sadness whenever i recall bout them. those two years where i got my priorities totally wrong. i could have done so much more things, but i ended up wasting two gd years. not that i got my priorities perfect this time round, but at least i'm more truthful to myself and m steering my life to the path i wanna take. the path which will lead me to become the person i wanna be. i would juz stop short at saying i regretted it because it's against myself to regret what i've done. i was immature and foolish then but still i will not condamn my past actions. i did what i thought was the best, and i should not fault myself for that no matter how bad everything turned out to be. i m the person i m now cos of my actions, so no point regretting bout everything. may i be able to be more truthful to my heart and neglect that calculative, scaredy-cat part of my mind

I'm feeling great today, which means that i have nth to blog bout... lol... after reading other pple's blogs it seems as if everyone else is down and i'm the only feeling gd. i even feel like i'm so optimistic or sth... something must not be right i guess, or maybe it's juz fair time i have high spirits after so long.

hmm... i really have no idea what to blog bout at all...

k, so, pardon me 4 this filler... i'd be back when i feel down and depressed again (it almost seems like i'm anticipating it)... this isn't me...

PS Read emily's blog and looks like she studies at library cafes as well. she's prob at amk while i'm at woodlands, but i have to second what she says bout service quality. jeffery should be the role model for all sales people out there. not only does he make excellent coffee (they use the same things and all, but none of the other staff can make coffee the same way), i luv his quality. he looks a li'l stressed out the last few times i went there, though, so wish him well.

and speaking on that, i haven't been going to the cafe for quite some time. at first there was the slight break after the prelims, then there r times where they r so many pple there. and i'm surprised how emily manages to 'abstain' from all the food. i get the coffee everyday, ask 4 refills sometimes and have some finger food every other day. and i actually studied there be4 the beverage card was introduced (i can't imagine paying 2.80 per cup of latte any more). i think i might have spent over 150 on the cafe... somehow i can never resist it when jeffery asks me if i want anything else... so i've made up my mind... i'm going back to study at the cafe instead of plain old mc with their poor customer service

I hate going to sch on saturdays... always end up listless and not learning much. pple dun care enough for slow risers it seems. while i have no trouble getting up on time and avoid being late, i almost always suffer from the early morning blues, so pardon me if i seem aloof and unfriendly early in the morning (not that i'm very friendly, but u get wat i mean). during the weekdays, there's the flag raising ceremony to 'wake' me up, but during saturdays i'd juz be in my state of semi-consciousness the whole day.

today, mr yeo tried to use reverse psychology to motivate us. personally, it didn't work one bit. for me, reverse psychology will only work if it's used by a total stranger or a person i truly respect cos i'd want to prove that person wrong in the former case or work hard for the person in the latter case. sadly, mr yeo doesn't fall into either category. in the end, i m now increasingly disillusioned and disenchanted by this subject called biology. i've been pondering whether to start bio revision for quite some time, but it seems like i'm juz letting the days slide by without doing anything. guess i'd juz give up bio...

after that, had a short chat with mr won with eric, lik khian, aaron, terence and lymon. he talked to us bout life after secondary school and encouraged us to pursue our passion over job security. also talked bout some chem stuff here and there and what he expects will come out for the o levels. actually i respect mr won quite a lot. i've learned quite a lot from his lessons, and i thoroughly agree with his view that understanding is the most important thing when studying. i also remember how he says to sit in the front during lectures to absorb more and some of the stories he shared with the class now and then bout being successful. my only gripe bout his teaching is how he revises with the class (he even admitted he didn't know how to revise with us) but that's not the point.

so, the big question now for me is what i wanna do when i grow up. earlier on, my dream was to get into computer science and become a programmer, but job prospects are at an all time low now and it's juz too risky to take that subject. on the other hand, there's this very safe job of being a teacher. the pay is gd, and the chances of losing ur job is close to zero. however, being a teacher will be against my principles... i know i dun have that passion to teach, and i know that i will never be a gd teacher, so i would be letting many pple down if i take that up. than i thought bout being an accountant, but am kinda worried it will turn out to be boring and repetitive. i also feel that r&d in the chemistry field (3M?) will be fun, but r&d involves working without an end in sight and i know i'd probably give up before i get things done. my father say that engineering might be a viable obtion, but then again i know too li'l bout engineering to make a decision.

i think i will definitely need to draw that fine line between job security and passion, but i juz dunno where this line will be. i'm definitely taking double maths come jc, but whether it'd be computer studies, physics or chemistry for the remaining two 'slots' will bank on what i wanna do when i grow up. i still have no inkling of my ambition, juz like how i still dunno which jc i'm aiming 4... i'm taking things a step at a time now, but i know i'd have to make a decision eventually. so juz what will it be?

Juz realised that my blog seem to be totally feeled with down, depressing stuff... i'm a pessimist, sure, but still, these entries sometimes make me feel like i'm suicidal or something, which i can attest i m not. my theory for this is cos sad, depressing stuff is so much easier to express than happiness. happiness is often juz a fleeting emotion, gone right after it'd juz set in. it's sweet, but it never stays long enough for me sit in front of my pc and blog bout it.

But in an attempt to change that, i shall try make this entry free of anything dour and depressing... ms ten came back today, and was immensely funny, immediately picking on eric again. on one hand, it probably means more work to do under her but it's great to have her back regardless. i still wonder how she can make her teaching so boring because she obviously has the sarcasm and ability to twist words to be really, really funny. i haven't laughed so hard for quite some time...

later in the day went to ps with eric, ash and lik khian but nth noteworthy happened. the only thing left i might wanna touch on is trying to decide on a jc, but that would turn out to be too depressing i guess.

in the end, looks like i absolutely cannot write happy entries. maybe i juz lack the ability to enthuse bout things, or perhaps i'm juz too boring a person to begin with...