Wednesday, October 06, 2004
Morality
I'm disappointed with myself. diasppointed... ashamed... disgusted... i almost broke a promise. a simple promise where i did not stand to lose anything by fulfilling it. a task so simple that anyone could have done. and ultimately, i said i dun mind helping out. however, i contemplated breaking that promise for some reason. sure, i did it in the end, but i'm terribly aghasted i even thought of that. if there's a god, i should be banished to hell immediately. even if there isn't, whoever created this moral conscience in us ought to terminate my puny life. why did i even harbour that thought. is helping out so tough for me? what's the point of my life if i can't even perform such a simple task?
so here i m, thinking a lot bout myself. my principals and my beliefs. so i did quite well in my exams, but what good does it do? in fact, it seems like there are more uncaring, unfeeling people the higher u go up the 'ladder'. i remember my primary school teacher (my fave mrs lee) always telling us how she loves teaching the em3 students more. most of them r trouble students and they do create a lot of problems for her but she says they r the more feeling, passionate and fun students.
while the supposedly better students juz keep trying to scale that unsurmountable wall of education, struggling to keep pace with the others, she said that the em3 students are much more open with their emotions and are hence, more engaging to interact with. i still fondly remember how she used to say they can fight and really beat each other up one day but still be very gd friends the next, joking and laughing together. sadly, i can't do that. sometimes i'm really angry, really agitated, but still i juz shake it off with a fake smile and 'never mind'. however, deep inside in my heart brews a grudge which i'd probably remember for a long time. i try to say i'm fine and everything, but i'm not the sort of person to forgive and forget. i juz keep too much emotions bottled up, leading to this uncaring personality of mine.
and i totally hate this part of me. i juz can't take everything as it is but have to question them, find out what's really going on, weigh the pros and cons, yada yada. it seems like everything i do must have a purpose, must benefit myself and must be effective. dun i care bout others? truthfully, i juz dun see myself helping the needy except for the occasional donations. i hate myself for being this 'snob'
a lot of times, i wish i'm a lot more simple minded (not that i'm so intellectual or anything). i have always admired these people, and interacting with them have very often been fun. they juz take things as they are, and things haappen juz because they do. they never try question anything 'logical' and dun attempt changing them. they're satisfied with the way things are. how nice that would be i think. sometimes i even wish i'm some1 like patrick. he's irritating and very feel people like him but he seems so oblivous to that all. he thinks he's funny, he thinks he's sociable and everything, and never tries to question that. he thinks he's gd, which is more than good enough for me. perhaps it's juz a case of the grass being greener on the other side of the fence, but at least i dun go around yearning for the impossible.
it seems that i might have digressed a li'l and have not really expressed myself the way i really feel, but that should be the gist of it. it's juz one of those days where i juz question myself and wonder what i've done as a person, and if i've been the person i aspire to be. i definitely wish to die early in my sleep one day (late thirties seem like a gd age to die, and i think i've explained my reasoning behing that often enuf), but if somehow i was to live to a ripe old age, i wanna die with a smile in my lips, thinking to myself that i have did everything i could have and i've finally reached my target. fat hopes maybe, but i can hope (i really, really hate this 'optimistic pessimist' mentality of mine)
so here i m, thinking a lot bout myself. my principals and my beliefs. so i did quite well in my exams, but what good does it do? in fact, it seems like there are more uncaring, unfeeling people the higher u go up the 'ladder'. i remember my primary school teacher (my fave mrs lee) always telling us how she loves teaching the em3 students more. most of them r trouble students and they do create a lot of problems for her but she says they r the more feeling, passionate and fun students.
while the supposedly better students juz keep trying to scale that unsurmountable wall of education, struggling to keep pace with the others, she said that the em3 students are much more open with their emotions and are hence, more engaging to interact with. i still fondly remember how she used to say they can fight and really beat each other up one day but still be very gd friends the next, joking and laughing together. sadly, i can't do that. sometimes i'm really angry, really agitated, but still i juz shake it off with a fake smile and 'never mind'. however, deep inside in my heart brews a grudge which i'd probably remember for a long time. i try to say i'm fine and everything, but i'm not the sort of person to forgive and forget. i juz keep too much emotions bottled up, leading to this uncaring personality of mine.
and i totally hate this part of me. i juz can't take everything as it is but have to question them, find out what's really going on, weigh the pros and cons, yada yada. it seems like everything i do must have a purpose, must benefit myself and must be effective. dun i care bout others? truthfully, i juz dun see myself helping the needy except for the occasional donations. i hate myself for being this 'snob'
a lot of times, i wish i'm a lot more simple minded (not that i'm so intellectual or anything). i have always admired these people, and interacting with them have very often been fun. they juz take things as they are, and things haappen juz because they do. they never try question anything 'logical' and dun attempt changing them. they're satisfied with the way things are. how nice that would be i think. sometimes i even wish i'm some1 like patrick. he's irritating and very feel people like him but he seems so oblivous to that all. he thinks he's funny, he thinks he's sociable and everything, and never tries to question that. he thinks he's gd, which is more than good enough for me. perhaps it's juz a case of the grass being greener on the other side of the fence, but at least i dun go around yearning for the impossible.
it seems that i might have digressed a li'l and have not really expressed myself the way i really feel, but that should be the gist of it. it's juz one of those days where i juz question myself and wonder what i've done as a person, and if i've been the person i aspire to be. i definitely wish to die early in my sleep one day (late thirties seem like a gd age to die, and i think i've explained my reasoning behing that often enuf), but if somehow i was to live to a ripe old age, i wanna die with a smile in my lips, thinking to myself that i have did everything i could have and i've finally reached my target. fat hopes maybe, but i can hope (i really, really hate this 'optimistic pessimist' mentality of mine)
