The simpler life...

New year's eve so it's time to look back at the year and reflect on everything that had happened... 2004 has been a truly special, truly memorable year... a year of many firsts and new experiences, a year of many changes, a year where so much happened...

don't really know how to start, so let's start from the start of the year... what with the major examinations coming up the year didn't look too gd. in january i told myself that i'd slack for 3 months first before working doubly hard till the o levels. come march i tried to really place importance in studies and for once actually did homework before the day they were due and tried to listen attentively during lessons. however, being hardworking after 3.25 yrs of slacking was tough and i struggled to start my revisions until bout 2 months later near the mid-yr exams and the chinese o levels.

and it was the period of preparation for the chinese o levels where many things started to happen. originally had a study group with zhiliang and likkhian where we'd study together every weekend and it was pretty fun while it lasted (sadly we kinda studied on our own just the week before the chinese papers and somehow never got back again)... at least it saved me all the money from studying in macdonald's where i'd spend bout 10 dollars or more every day we studied indulging in unhealthy food... but then again, that was before i started studying at the library cafe soon later and started spending almost as much again on coffee, finger food and pastry...

during that time i was also reflecting bout myself and the 3+ yrs i've spent in zhonghua.... the horrible first two yrs and the person i was then. then sec 3 when i tried to change myself bit by bit. somehow things just ain't happening fast enough for me then (it's just my personality that i can never hold on to see long term rewards... i always like indicators to show me that i'm progressing whenever i'm working hard on something...) and i was thinking whether it's me not trying hard enough. it was also at that time that i started this blog but i got that covered in one of the earlier entries so no point repeating myself.

so time slowly passed... another one of the special things that happened was how i soon grew 'close' to woodlands library's cafe and the staff there (jeff esp). slowly i grew so used to seeing a familiar face behind the counter waiting for my orders and refills that it felt so weird when jeff went over to jurong library... so weird that i went there to study in the end (but again i got that covered in one of the earlier entries so i shouldn't elaborate)... it's just a li'l pity that i stopped visiting the cafe entirely after the exams when i said earlier that i would drop by occasionally. cutting down on my coffee intake and somehow it seemed like jeff and i started running out of conversation topics in the last few days of the exam...

and while all this was happening we inched day by day closer to the prelims, closer to the o levels. and surprisingly it was during bout september when i felt that those days actually felt quite fun and was the most meaningful period for 4 years then (i'd say the period from around grad to present was the most purposeful now, but that was then). everyday i'd go to sch, go through all the lessons, ssp after 'official lessons ended'. after that i'd sit down in my seat for a while just staring at the class, letting my mind wander off for a bit (i think it can be seen as some kind of relaxation?) until i feel that i should head out. then it was to the library cafe, a cup of latte and some finger food, and more latte (sometimes it'd be double espresso if i'm feeling tired) until bout 8+ when i get my homework and some revision done before i head home for dinner. then it's a couple of hours on the computer before it's time to sleep and everything goes again. doesn't sound like too much but sometimes during that period when i was walking around (esp after studying and heading home) i feel like i've achieved something today and i can continue working towards that tml and so on...)

many memorable things happened up to that point in time too. there was scrabble and all the time we'd play it during free periods and sometimes after school, the competitions too... there was the daily 'competition' in the canteen during recess where the last one to finish will have to put the plates back... the guitar and the songs... my enlarged timetable on the noticeboard (i'm really gonna miss that come jc)... the notice board decorations (and all the recycling of items on the board lol... i still remember how i changed the 'I' from the fortitude theme to 'i can make a difference in saving the earth' for the environment theme... ^^)... maths peer tutoring and the fun time we'd have before and during the thing (and my 'conquest' for the tys-es then)... the debates and the prep esp with eric arguing with ms ten... there are prob so many more but just that i can't remember them yet now...

so prelims were soon over. and i think that kinda sparked off the most memorable period of my life. graduation was looming, and even though i don't know any pple in class very well at that point of time the thought of being separated from friends of 2/4 yrs... the thought of no longer stepping into the classroom to have all the lessons kinda urged me to try harder to form stronger bonds... urged me to open up from my shell more.

slowly i got a li'l closer to ash, lymon and terence. and eric too to a lesser extent. i still remember the 'jc tour' we had, the running around trying to get to tj before guides will no longer available, being the 'tour guide', planning everything... and above everything else that happened that day, the long, long, 'boring' (i'd always remember terence for that ^^) coversation i had with lymon and terence... slowly i started to know more things, and shared more and in the process we became closer.

then there were times after school where a few of us would go to eric's house. the original plan was always to study but somehow we never did. and sometimes i'd just lie down on the floor doing nothing while the others were doing some other things on the pc which i wasn't into. but what was important was spending time with friends... at that time i was trying really hard to draw that fine line between studies and friends and on hindsight i think i'm pretty satisfied with how i handled it.

next graduation day came and the tears and memories of the class... then the o levels came and went.

e7 chalet was next and again it was another memorable experience... but most memorable for me was the e1 chalet and the two nights of one-to-one talks with so many people... the different things i talked about to different friends even though we're all in the same group and realising that we've suddenly become such close mates. then the evening/night when i decided to say it...

after that was eric's farewell dinner which was yet another fun and memorable time. then there was meeting up with friends and learning and sharing things. and all too soon the e1 outing just a few days ago...

it has been an absolutely wonderful yr. the only regret i have is that i've kinda distanced a li'l from jun liang. he's still my best friend, but we were definitely much closer last year..

not exactly looking forward to next year now cos it'd be really hard to have another year like this. no more 4e1, different pple heading off in different directions... may we still be able to stay in contact and meet up from time to time...

EDIT: no new year's resolutions this year... well, i never once fulfilled my resolutions anyway, and not really in the mood to make them today.

So just a while after heralding how this blog is becoming so special to me, i'm finding it hard to blog truthfully now no thanks to a few people who just loves to spoil everything... somehow i don't feel safe writing down more private stuff cos i know now that there are certain someones who visit my blog as well with skewed intentions...

sometimes i just dislike people who know too much, and think that they know everything, making assumptions and proclaiming that they're fact. and even worse is if those people gossip without knowing when not to cross the line... not that i'm against gossip cos i do do my fair share of gossiping as well but i believe gossips should only be shared among close friends, people whom you can trust, people whom you know understands the difference between the gossip you're sharing now and the truth. but often if you gossip among mere aquaintances or not-so-close-friends you seldom see the distinction between what you can say and what you can't and end up hurting people in the process...

maybe i'm just a li'l too sensitive to some insensitive people. i know that i can be pretty tactless at times and shoot my mouth off, saying mean things that i didn't intend to but i don't think i do that as often or badly as certain people (at least i hope).

i'm fine with letting people know the stuff i place on my blog but not when those certain people again try to find more meanings that they should and assume that they're right. if someone wants to know something bout it i very much prefer them to ask me directly. and if i am uncomfortable providing them with the answer, i'd hope they would give me some respect and grant my right of privacy. and if they do feel that they get some unintended meanings in my blog i hope that they would at least keep it to themselves or just gossip among their closer friends so at least i won't have any chance of finding out.

it hurts me sometimes when i have to treat a person differently because i kinda of dislike him/her but not to the extent i go all out against him/her. and when you have to proceed with caution around somehow and be very wary of what you say i think it defeats the whole point of relationships between people... i don't like this at all but...

[I really fear that this entry's meaning might be misconveyed like i always do. hope that most blog readers of mine won't be alienated by this blog cos you are probably not one of those certain someones i'm referring to.]

went for 4e1 outing on the 27th, but today's just one of those days where i don't feel like elaborating much so i'd just skim through the day....

before going for it, i was thinking, the 'itenary' for the day was picnic, then bbq... ok, for picnics, u generally sit down, eat and talk. for bbq, u also sit down, eat and talk... somehow it never occured to me that we're going to the beach! and pple play lots of stuff at beaches. and beside the beach, there's water! and pple swim and play with water... so in the end didn't wear anything 'lightweight' or bring any change of clothes...

ok, so i was feeling pretty weak in the morning (excuses, excuses ^^) and couldn't go swimming before that with ash as intended (well, i went to the complex but didn't enter the pool), but i still dunno why i forgot bout that totally...

in the end felt alrite in the afternoon but could only sit around. anyway, so when we got there after a long, long walk i lied down, and pple started burying me... well, at least i restricted it to only my lower body so wasn't feeling so bad. but that was until patrick sat down on it lol... cos of that the sand was so tight that i could feel every heartbeat with blood flowing through my legs, and that actually felt like the sand was pushing down on me... creepy...

was staring at the clouds at first but soon they got so cloudy that they no longer looked nice... and then the shadow shifted and i was right under the sun... so i got out.

then suddenly had an urge to not care bout anything and jump inside the sea. thankfully had the responsibility to take care of the bags... ended up building sandcastles which was pretty fun...

after that we went to emily's house for bbq... ah, being back in the neighbourhood again... was still recovering from the cough/sore throat so didn't have any bbq food (went to my fave market instead) and the smoke was kinda irritating when u remember that you fell sick the last time cos of bbq initially. so tried to stay indoors...

oh, and i saw caiyun on the way to emily's house. the most memorable senior for me lol... still remember last time where there were rumours abound on her having a crush on me... lol... felt so flattered at that time. then there were those nice memories of the yangqin/ruan days and playing the drums... wish her all the best (esp with her bf ^^)

and i finally got to meet sophie! such a cute, cute and super-duper cute dog! played with him for a while but she keeps going to patrick lol... food, i suppose? (^^) then later pllayed with him again inside his 'cage?' (now how do u describe that)... kinda worried when she started biting on the metal parts and yipping but well, she's still so, so cute. sharon's screams must have scared her lol... when she came around sophie immediately went to the other side haha... also so cute when she stood on her hindlegs and while drinking water... and that position in which she slept in... kawaii, cute, um... (i need to think of something else to say other than cute)

later went to the playground. one of my fave places of yesteryear.. couldn't swing as high or fast as i used to anymore, and this was the first time i thought playing on swings was strenous... then played the see-saw for the first time in my life with ash and it was one hell of a scary experience bumping up and down... to think i've never played it in those years...

next saw a golden retriever! (okay, i'm gonna say it's so cute and everything again)... it's so active and um, cute! makes me wanna get a golden retriever one day even more...

so went back smelling horrible with sand + sweat + bbq + dogs (not that dogs smell but the horrible 'concoction'...)

but it was probably the happiest day in my life, yet! ;P

[so i pretty much elaborated in the end... i never do what i say...]

[This is to fill in on what happened on the 24th and 25th]

I guess i just can't shake off this habit of doing things at the very last minute. first there's schwork, then studying for tests and exams, then holiday homework and now even christmas. even terence called me a 'last minute friend' the other day, though of course it's meaning is a li'l different... but anyway, i've never really celebrated christmas but this year was a li'l different ;P

on the 24th decided to go get a gift, but last minute shopping is so, so tough. there were so many people and somehow all the gifts that were left for grabs seemed kinda generic and not special. so i walked down orchard road from far east to plaza singapura and couldn't seem to find anything. and my, the popularity of plush toys is so bad now... relegated to one small section in the corner of all those action figures and electronic toys in those shops... initially wanted to find nermal, but heck, i didn't even see odie much less any other character in the strip... to think garfield-licensed plushies are no longer 'in' now... in the end settled for pooky... but still last minute christmas shopping is so, so tough. i started in the afternoon cos i know i had to get things done before sunset and all the lightings come up, making me too sentimental and stuff but i barely made it... legs ached from all the walking around trying to find a decent gift... (maybe it's from the swimming lah ^^)

then on christmas itself for some reason i felt so weird in the morning and afternoon. it was as if something was missing from my life even though i can't find the reason for me feeling this so i slept the day away. woke up at 8, then slept and woke up until around 5... was doing some web browsing and suddenly this made my day:

garfield strips during the christmas period has always been nice cos of the warm fuzzy feeling you get when you see it, but Jim Davis really made my day then... how nice ^^

so i thought of the list, went to check a bit and then got this incredible urge to revisit my old neighbourhood. but well, there's the gift first...
wrapping paper + gift + untidy, impatient person who'd never wrapped a gift before = weird, odd-shaped polygon...
tried to find some tips online but ain't helpful at all... then halfway while trying to figure out how to wrap a gift i thought i should put a card in it too, so had to run out to admiralty central and back... so rushed... finally got things done and went back...

back at the neighbourhood it all seemed so familiar yet so strange... i stopped at yck mrt, and started walking up to the market. at least i've been there a few times for meals during bowling trips at the grassroots club so it still felt pretty familiar. just too bad so many of the stalls have changed, but at least my fave wanton mee stall is still there along with the porridge stall.

then walked up again, this time past those private houses down the stretch of road... whiffs of nostalgia slowly came as i remembered those times i had to walk home from the market... i used to dread these walks, especially when i'm helping my parents carry groceries from the market, but now...

soon got to 608, and yet more memories came back... the coffee shop i used to frequent but with the crappy food (good stalls seem to move out after a few months everytime they set up shop). the shops i used to buy things from after school. han language centre where i had some pretty fun times... then there's the mini-park or something beside it... the times my family and i celebrated mooncake festival there and so many more memories...

esso was next. i've always went there after school to have a look at the newspaper before putting it back, lol... too bad they changed the layout of the entire store so much so that it no longer seems like what it was... the casher was initially on the right of the store and the delifrance corner right beside it, but now it's changed so much... but things change...

finally it was my old house, and all the memories started coming again... took the lift up to my old floor and remembered all the times i was pacing around inside it when i was late for something or just want to rush home... it's still so slow as ever, and at least it's not changed. then there's the walk all the way down the corridor to my house at the far end... used to like running that distance when i was a kid... and it seems like the present family did not change the doors of my old flat, so it all looked so, so familiar. they even kept plants outside the house just like us...

it was a really nice house... the living room was those long types so i always made use of that place to play soccer by myself when i was young, hitting the ball against the wall, running from end to end of the living room.... the location was good as well... a short bus trip to amk central. yck mrt is within walking distance (though i'm prob the only one in the family who walked there). thomson also a short bus trip away (though there was this one time during exams i wondered around the whole area and walked all the way up to thomson plaza)

and slowly i started remember bout the things i did during my childhood days... when i was very young (kindergarden to p3) my parents were pretty protective so i spent most of my times indoors and could only go out when they decide to bring me somewhere... those days i'd 'invent' so many silly games that i can play by myself (including the aforementioned soccer with all the twisted rules)... thankfully i had very nice neighbours and 3 'big sisters' (bout 4-5 yrs older than me) who will come to my house and play with me pretty frequently. and there were fortnightly trips to 'yaohan' (i never knew it was called thomson plaza then before yaohan collapsed and ntuc took over) where my family will do some shopping there, have dinner (sometimes at swensens complete with ice-cream and the sumptious meals!) and my fave, the arcade. i used to love the motorbike game and another one where my father will drive and i will shoot at the enemies... how fun... then there were times i'd try to earn tickets to get a plush toys but never once managed to get enough (after all, i'm on a $10 budget, though that could play quite a lot of games then).

after p3 my parents started relaxing their control and i started to hang out quite frequently with my friends after school.... the shop at 173 and all the problems our school had had with it (i still remember that time a whole group of us had to be punished because we played with a ball which someone had sneaked out during sch time to that shop to buy it... hey, i didn't know that! lol)... the playground at thomson hills, the mcdonalds beside kebun baru cc where we'd argue with those st nick's girls (how bad of us then.. haha)... then there were those silly things we'd do, like getting out of school by crawling through a small hole in the fence at the end of the field instead of using the gate, climbing into those drains outside school and getting ourselves all stinky... and catching! at first it was in the sch field, then it slowly became block catching before my fave, estate catching... so many places to run, so many turns you can take and so much running... sweet childhood memories they were...

then at p4 i started picking up basketball and played at the court just below my house very frequently... the times when i used to spend almost every evening out there playing and all the friends i've made thanks to basketball... i really dunno how my enthusiasm started to fizzle after starting secondary school...

but then i digress... so i was at 604... next i went back to see my school...

[typical conversation with people then]

person x: what school are you from?
me: kebun baru
person x: huh? (gives a weird, confused look) where is it?
me: ang mo kio
person x: which part?
me: kebun baru lah... um, amk ave 2
person x: huh? (gives that confused look again)
me: it's right beside st nick's
person x: oic

as much as i would ridicule my school sometimes (esp the school uniform with the sch name written all over it... and to think the principal and teachers called it unique and the only sch in singapore to have this kind of uniform... only our sch will have THIS type of uniform, sheesh...) i have all my respect for it... after all, it thought me a lot in my 6yrs there... the teachers were great (special tribute to mrs chia, the teacher who managed to make my class so lively with interaction all the time and people actually volunteering to do things in class and mrs lee-ng, my fave teacher of all time and how she managed to make me like maths so much... and to have a discipline mistress as ur form teacher is funny lol... sometimes during lessons she'd get some of the 'troubled' students to come into class and start asking questions and their conversations would be so funny. and for someone who's strict with the em3 pupils and yet still gain their respect i have to take my hats off for mrs lee)

and there was the principal, mr tan. too bad i never realised how gd he is after i left... he joined the sch in p3, but initially i complained about how strict he was and sometimes how he can make assemblies so long by telling us motivational stories (and i only realise how great those stories were now). he set up the yangqin and ruan ensemble, and made the sch strive for excellence... i still remember that yr in p5 when our sch got 9 syf golds despite being such a lowly neighbourhood sch and with enrolment dwindling down to 2 p1 classes when i left... and my experience in chinese orchestra was bitter-sweet... there were the times where things did not go my way but i learnt immensely from the years... appreciation for music, how we should not be overly concerned on results, those talks with mr tan near graduation, gd friends i've made there, etc, etc...

but so much have changed... i really detest catholic to the core... to think the day that they are going to use our sch as its new campus when we merged with amk (and damn amk as well... they were talking bout having a new name but now it seems like kebun baru have been absorbed by amk) they complained bout us being unruly and undisciplined and the place as dirty.... curse you... this is our sch, our students, and if u're gonna use the place how dare u criticise us. ur students are just as ill-mannered, evil and with ur students in the compound the sch's gonna be even dirtier...

and the effects of having a rich school: they built a bus stop right outside it. for so many yrs of kebun baru history our nearest busstop was 5min walk away but right in the yr catholic moved in they had a bus stop! so money talks after all... and then there are this group of posh houses right opposite the sch.. looked like chalets imo... but the memory of my old neighbourhood will live on forever in my mind... too bad i didn't have the time to walk all the way up to relive the days spent at my friends' houses in teachers' estate, green meadows or even further up to see pierce reserviour and thomson plaza...

My dreams are becoming more and more creepy recently... last night i dreamt that i got a message on my phone and somehow or other it caused me to have diarrhoea... turns out i woke up with indeed a msg on my phone and a bad stomach ache which eventually turned out to be 3 trips to the toilet. my dreams are really scaring me nowadays...

anyway, the day before when i went swimming with lymon and ash i saw shiying, but yet again i was so into our conversation that i did not greet her. she was kinda staring at me so i'm sure i won't be snubbed like at tj... and again i missed another opportunity to talk with a primary sch mate. first there was irene at popular and then xiu hua at plaza singapura and in all these situations i just let fear and uncertainty get to me... and hearing bout other pple meeting up with their primary sch mates nowadays... and i wish to see some of my closer friends in primary sch too... william, alvin or maybe bobby, xinrong and weiyang... 2 yrs without contact and i kinda miss them... hope this won't turn out with my bunch of friends now.

on another unrelated note i've started writing faqs again. hope this won't turn out like the past few times (i have bout 200k of plain txt files unfinished sitting in my archives right now)... it's kinda fun writing guides and stuff imo and trying to find every little secret present in the game so really wish i can find the time commitment this time round. it's another one of those things that can take ur mind off things and stop you from daydreaming too much.

went swimming yesterday night with ash and lymon... no, it's more like we went to the swimming complex... met up for dinner with them, had a chat and then we walked to the swimming pool. lymon was feeling a li'l sick but we hoped he'd be alrite when we reached there. changed, went into the pool but lymon couldn't take it so he went up. me and ash swam a few laps but when i started my backstroke i felt my dinner coming out so gotta stop as well... turned out we swam less than 10min in the end.

in the end lymon got really sick... really hope he recovers soon... no, he WILL recover and make it for his big day tml... i'm all behind him. actually feel so happy for him after he told us what's bout to happen. hope things will turn out well for him... after all, he's my beacon of motivation after what seemed to have happened to terence...

once again i'm starting to ramble on. think this blog will turn out like those i hate soon if i continue like that. at least my life's getting back to normal now. i'm starting to laze around the whole day accompanied by my dear computer, gamecube and gameboy... and once again, i wish lymon the best of luck tml... GO!

Anime-craze hitting me again... had lots of downloaded anime to catch up after chalets and my trip to malaysia so spent the last few hours watching it... but out of the many i watched, school rumble kinda hit me... the previous few episodes were just what i enjoy delivering slapstick comedy at its best with lots of jokes thrown around but this one (9th episode was different...) i felt like i clicked with harima amd he's just like me (or the other way round i suppose...) i'm dreaming too much, making up too much stuff i think. couple that with a not-so-good dream and i'm now reflecting bout myself once again.

i always think too much i think (^^) it's not healthy, but i just can't stop it. went play mahjong at lik khian's house on monday so managed to get my mind off things but somehow i wanted time alone yesterday and today... but at least i'm feeling better now (:>) i touched my gamecube for the first time since chalet (which seemed like aeons ago) so i'm starting to occupy myself with things again. and will be swimming tonight...

come to think of it, i've never fulfilled what i sat out to do. before the exams ended i kinda remembered i came up with a list but i don't think i've completed anything from it. i've not gone swimming often, not been bowling, not gaming enough, not hanging out with friends that frequently... but i'd still continue making these lists (^^) with new year resolutions coming up soon.

it'd be weird starting school in a new environment without many people i know but there's nothing i can do bout it. grr, i'm thinking too much again...

*and once again i made another entry that made no point... soon my whole blog's gonna be filled with them

Had some time on my hands so modified the blog a li'l bit. radical dreamers is now my background midi (i prefer the mp3 version with vocals and better sound quality but gotta spare a thought for the 56k pple as well, so bear with it) and i opened up the comments section. still not getting a tagboard cos it's still too unreliable so i'd be looking at other ways to communicate in the meanwhile. and since blogger doesn't allow me to tamper with the scripts and i still can't find a decent webhost without popups (i don't mind banner ads...) that support php and ftp the only thing i can do now is probably to make a layout...

i think i'd try since i have time but given my rusty html and horrible photoshop skills i think i'm gonna take a while... i have an idea already but now i gotta source for whatever i need, make a full layout, slice everything up and try to insert them into the appropriate places... that's the prob when they don't allow you to tamper with the scripts... you just can't make another html file by itself without constantly referring to the original templates to see how to fit the codes... ah, i'm complaining too much bout free things and using too much jargon i think... i should get back...

Read up some of my earlier archives, and it's kinda funny when i think of how i started this blog... from young, keeping a diary had been one of those on-off things which i contemplated of doing but i never did start anything cos i just don't feel secure writing things down and risk having other people seeing it (so i'm paranoid as ash would say ^^) then when i started to use my pc more and more during my p6 and secondary school i've thought of typing it down in a txt file but again the security reasons come in and i cannot fathom seeing it gone if my com ever comes down with a virus or something

in sec 3 i started to learn bout blogs but then i didn't think much of keeping a diary so it was only until may 2004 when i first started it. even though it's online and free for all to see somehow i felt a li'l safer cos probably no one was gonna discover this blog i thought. so it started and initially i did have major problems expressing myself on it. there were many times where i felt i have something to say, went to blogger, typed my stuff out but deleted in the end cos it just felt weird typing things out.

but slowly, things changed for the better and i got more and more comfortable on it. eventually i even decided to open it up and allow others to view it. now it has become a very special part of me already. i still have trouble expressing myself but that's more of my english ability unable to bring across what i really feel and not cos i feel uncomfortable saying things. this blog has turned into really something for myself. it has turned into a place where i can just confide my thoughts and feelings to, a place to let me pen down things so that i'd never forget them. a place to relive all those memories of yore...

but i've never thought it would turn out like this. when i first started it i thought it would just be another of my on-off things and i'd get sick of it soon enough and totally forget bout it but now, i'm blogging almost daily... when i was in kl/genting, it felt weird not blogging so much so that i had to write down some things on my hp to remind myself of what to blog bout. now i want to bring it a step further... i realised some of my entries kinda beat around the bush so much that it made for tiring (and boring) reading and drags on for so long. i need to start using my succinct words, but then again i already have problems bringing the right point across now that trying to shorten my entries might just make them worse.

and something that have been even more magical than keeping a blog is reading others' ones. many a times when i am down i'd turn to blog reading and find myself motivated by some blogs... it's truly wonderful how they manage to do that and as much as i try to insert food for thoughts occasionally in my blog it just turns out into yet another round of ramblings and laments from myself (at least i feel better doing that :>) and then there are some really funny blogs that can lighten up your day. i'd like to mention serena/mystica's blog here (www.sheylara.com) especially cos there's many times i found myself laughing out loud reading it... she blogs bout her life generally but somehow i wonder how she injects that humourous touch into most of her entries while lamenting bout things or whatever. and i still remember the pumpkins/halloween entry which i just love...

still there are also blogs that i absolutely detest with a vengence... people who blog just because it seems 'cool' to blog and all their friends are doing it. these people try to spiff up their blogs by getting those templates and stuff but ultimately the substance is lacking as they do not pay enough attention to it and end up writing entries saying hi to their friends, etc (shudder) if you wanna blog, pls at least make a point. talk bout urself, comment bout current affairs, update often or whatever... just don't leave one with substanceless posts pls...

EDIT: lol... i just blogged bout this and went to read the papers and lo and behold digital life's feature was bout blogging... i should go be a prophet or something (^^) and sggamers got featured in it too! if only my chalets didn't clash with theirs i would have made an appearance on newspaper. haha. first deli, now the gang... newspapers are always so interesting when the editor's (wai-leng!) someone u know (or at least saw each other before...)

[This post is dedicated to terence, another person i'd definitely miss]

Finally got to meet up with lymon and ash again today... only not met them for a week, but somehow it felt like i've so many things i wanna tell, so many things i wanna know. at least they'd be in tj, and at least we'd be together for three months... i think i'd miss eric and terence (or rather, i long for us to be together again) come to think of it, there'd been so many missed opportunities and times where miscommunication ruined things that i hoped things could have been that li'l different. but bonds were formed, and i'd remember them. i hope.

kinda scary looking at some of the things terence wrote... it seemed so... not him. some time back he was talking bout that different side of him and stuff but i casually dismissed it by joking that i'd got to know the wrong person, etc... and there are those times i kinda cruelly put him down (though he is a li'l guilty of trying to push himself up too much sometimes as well) but still, there's something different. it sounded like he was really hurt and i can't help but wish it wasn't so. he's a special person, a most memorable person for all his acts, etc and i really don't want to see him this way. maybe it's just plain speculation, but...

one of these days i really wanna call him out for another round of heart-to-heart talk (or using his cheap trick, our last conversation, forever...) even though i don't think i caused this, i want to do my part to help. just too bad i'm probably not one of his closest friends. he once commented on how good it would be if i was the person i am now a few years back, but again i dismissed it by saying that i'm the person i am now only because of who i was in the past (chim? ^^)

this feeling is weird... a while back we were meeting up pretty often and although we'd only 'lost contact' for bout 2-3 days before the chalet i felt a really, really weird feeling when i saw him during the second day. i couldn't give him a warm welcome, couldn't do one of my put-downs again, couldn't give some mindless banter but just said "at least you're here...". the feeling just cannot be described, at least not with my standard of english. it felt like we became strangers just after the few days.

later when he gave me that keyring i felt really weird again... it's like i've misjudged him for something and for a moment i had to hold back my tears. somehow strong bonds were forged between us even though not much were shared it seems. in sec 1 and 2 there were times i strayed to the back of the class where he sat and in sec 3 and 4 there were times in the morning when i had no homework to rush i would go sit in front of him at the other corner of the classroom but somehow we didn't manage to click that well... i was still stuck in my shell then and sometimes he starts with some banter or had to go for chinese lessons... he was a big motivation factor for me in my decision in the chalet and i want to thank him for that sincerely though he certainly didn't meant to do it. and i really want to tell him i've gained a lot from our friendship this four years... it seems immensely strange that he still feels like a total stranger at times... but at least he has hongyi and shui hei over at aj (if i'm not wrong) so i wish him all the best... fate seems to have decided that we were never meant to be close friends for long, but i will treasure the things that are left behind. that keyring will go along with the jigsaw and scrabble rack as one of the few things i'd kill myself if i lost.... things that mean so much, so much.

and it still puzzles me about how so many things are happening "under the carpet" in our class... i thought everything looked so peaceful, so serene but now that i've learnt more bout people's opinions of each other it just feels so weird... i think maybe it's just my personality that i don't like to dislike a person unless he/she is truly a hideous, evil person who does not good or someone who had really offended me greatly that i don't understand all this... at least i only knew bout them after graduation so i won't be affected by having to try accomodate things to avoid clashes... libra traits again i think (horoscope's eerie)... i don't understand why some cannot look past some bad personality traits of a person and co-exist in peace... sure, there's bound to be people who are irritating or annoying to different people but i just don't understand this at all... kinda feel like the elf in neverwinter nights who could not understand how one man suddenly showed his evil side and still wanted to delude himself by thinking that the man is still good at heart but is just controlled by someone else.... (i'm don't think i'm making much sense, as usual... ^^)

so back to my meeting with lymon and ash. once again it was at my house and again we talked a lot bout stuff. shared a li'l more, and gained a lot of insight into many things. how interesting things are turning out to be... and all this makes my own troubles (if you can call it that) so trivial. i should really try to be more decisive i guess. can't rely on 'fate' everytime. but still i need to find that something which can convince me that i should, without a doubt, act.

at night watched shrek on tv together. missed the first part (think i'm gonna download it to see that part) but enjoyed it, a lot. i always hate myself for dismissing so many shows just because their graphic style doesn't fit my taste. sure, shrek still looked ugly in the end but the animations for the donkey slowly grew on me... i ought to watch a lot more movies (and more than once so that i can actually remember stuff from it) after being left out in so many conversations between the two bout many movies. and most importantly, shrek was touching... really nice moments littered throughout it. the ending's still a li'l too fairytale but i'd take that over tragedic ones every day.

Quote of the day:
"I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty.
And, well, I don't really like it, but you may like it, because you're pretty.
But I like you anyway. I.... uh... I'm in trouble."

Sweet... ^^

disorientated once again after the trip... happened during the two chalets this yr and here it goes again. i just didn't felt like doing anything today. didn't felt like gaming, didn't felt like doing anything at all so the day went by really, really slowly. it's just sad how much time gaming takes up in my normal life that taking it out feels like i've nothing to do anymore.

i'm felt really weird then staring at my computer screen doing nothing. then had a brief chat with leslie bout jc which kinda passed some time before the cough medicine aided me in passing time. i somehow like that drowsy feeling you get after drinking cough medicine... before you feel sleepy, they'd be this 'high' feeling of floating around... i must be a weirdo ^^.

again one of those posts where i can't seem to make any sense... bah!

as much as i used to detest detailing of events chronologically, i think i'm gonna do that now cos i can't find any better way to describe the trip...

first, early in the morning on monday went to golden mile centre to take the bus to kl. it was there where my utter hatred towards smokers rekindled... so many people smoking, polluting the air around (at least the buses' exhaust was bearable) and maing breathing so difficult for non-smokers around. it got even worse in malaysia, esp genting where non-smoking signs were largely ignored and almost everyone seemed to smoke... may all smokers die a horrible, horrible death coughing uncontrollably or whatever is more gruesome... i know i might be cursing some of my relatives and loved ones as well but if there's anything i hate most it's smokers... i'm still reeling from all the smoke i've breathed in (probably a packet's worth of it already) these few days...

so there's the bus trip next. gameboy, sleep and some thinking was enough to tide me through the 6 hours or so and i soon got to kl. next checked into the hotel and probably for the first time in my life i paid decent attention to a rainbow... somehow it managed to invoke some thoughts and i still cannot believe how i've never really looked at one until then...
'have you ever reached a rainbow's end
and did you find your pot of gold...' and slowly the i belive lyrics started to sink in...

then for the rest of the day and the next we were basically shopping. isn't as relaxing as i'd like a vacation to be but maybe that's just because i don't exactly dig shopping and my shopping style's different from my family's. they tend to like walking around rather quickly, settle on a few shops and stay very long in them, trying out diffent clothings, taking their time to choose etc while i prefer walking around and browsing through everything that's available, make decisions on what i want pretty quickly and get my goods. and i was hoping to get some clothes there so that i don't need to go shopping back in singapore anymore but turned out nothing fit my liking or wallet.

saw a few electronics shop (^^) but turned out electronics there were more expensive than in singapore. the ipod mini cost bout S$550 there when it's available for 400+ here; the nintendo ds costs bout 265 in japan, 399 in singapore and 430+ there... grrr... so ended up buying nothing in kl at all (i gotta get someone to get me a ds from japan...) but instead became the 'servant' for my mom and sis who went on a buying spree... oh, so i got a jigsaw puzzle in the end... a 3000 pcs one. to think i forgot bout my jigsaws this holiday when i used to spend late nights previously on them... wanted to buy a really nice 6000pcs one with a very beautiful scenery but it was too expensive so had to settle for that... can't wait to finish that...

later in the day got a li'l unhappy over the adults making decisions by themselves but got over it. and the sore throat thanks to swensens + burger king + macdonald's + kfc in consecutive days was spoiling this trip a li'l...

on tuesday night went to kl's chinatown/night market. i never really enjoyed visiting chinatowns/night markets (san francisco's one felt really weird, thailand's one sold too many useless stuff, australia/perth's one stank, etc) and didn't enjoy this one either. it was just too squeezy and like almost all chinatowns/night markets things were all going cheap but for cheap rip-offs, visiting bout 5 stalls were as gd as visiting everyone, smokers aplenty there, have to be wary of pickpockets... sure, some people enjoy the 'thrill' of bargaining while others might like fake gds but i dig neither of those so it was a li'l boring to say the least.

went genting on the next day. took a taxi up this time round so no more need to contend with korean obasamas at ur back in the cable car queue pushing u... (i've had lots of bad experiences with them the last time i went genting, in korea itself and in bangkok last yr... they really know how to push people...) and kinda cool how the taxi drive actually practice the out-in-out driving up the hill as well (the first time i saw that outside racing)

always enjoyed genting's weather of low 20 degrees (it's the perfect temperature without the need for a jacket and the feeling of wind blowing in ur face is just wonderful) and the mist which makes everything look so dreamy (and romantic?)...

this time round i tried to enter the casino walking into it with a swagger and a scowl trying to give my most mature look but the security guard still asked for my passport (sigh... guess i still don't look old enough ^^) so had to settle for the arcade instead while my parents and my father's colleague gambled away. i originally set out to win a big teddy bear (it was worth 2000 tickets!), intending for it to be a christmas gift (^^) but after RM49 spent i only had bout 400 tickets and i decided to give up. but fate as usual is always up to something and on my last token i struck jackpot and got 300+ tickets (;D), making me kinda itchy to go for the bear again... but in the end settled at that and exchanged the tickets for a smaller bear for my sis. then wanted to play the japanese drum game but it was spoilt! (it was fine the night before!)... played some gun games in the end and realised that my shooting skills still suck as always. too bad there ain't any puzzle bobble there.

at night went to watch a magic show (called h20 was it?)... actually imo i think it was more of a magic show cum dancing show cum artistic performance. i'm not a connoisseur in arts so wasn't too impressed when there were more of those dances than magic performances themselves. the dances were fine at first but got a li'l boring... and one thing to note for all organisers: never place the special effects light behind the screen (esp when u're using water for that) or u'd blind ur audience (like me ;P) the trepezists were nice to watch and there were three 'statues' displaying incredible strength and agility balancing in different poses which was pretty gd as well but i'd describe the overall show a unspectacular. the magic acts were pretty standard (what with the woman inside a box, the box gets divided into very small ones and she pops out again after they're joined back, etc...) so i didn't really enjoy them. but what i have to commend is the vigour the performers and magician displayed... i can't imagine myself performing so many times but still with so much passion and zest...

sadly my dad got a li'l sick on thursday so i didn't go to the outdoor theme park (taking rides alone just isn't fun) went bowling instead with my mom but the balls was horrible with sharp edges in many of their holes and the shoe was so worn out it couldn't slide. played two games with terrible sub-100 scores and left with sore fingers and feet...

while my sore throat was healed by then thanks to the lozenges i took my cough was getting worse and worse, probably cos of all the sumptious continental breakfasts i took and not limiting my diet during other meals either... one thing i've learnt: never stifle a cough cos u'd just end up making weird grunting sounds and get stares from other people. at night couldn't sleep thanks to a bad coughing fit (don't think i can sleep well tonight either)... hope it heals up soon (i'm gonna start taking care of my body now) or i'd start coughing out blood or break my throat thanks to alll this coughing....

eventually all things had to end and i came back to singapore by rail... first time but didn't feel that special or something. just kinda weird why the passengers sat opposite to the train's motion... spent some time thinking again during the 6-7h and thought i made a decision, only for fickle-minded me to have a different one now that i'm back in the comfort of my home... before i left lymon kept listening to the reason cos he said it was situational and now i think it kinda spplies for me as well... that one line that said it all ;P... the more i listen to it and try to sing (going off tune most of the time...) i get more and more ideas and thoughts... hmmm...

EDIT ONE: only realised the posting results are out today after reading other people's blogs... i must be one of the last to know where they're posted... i've made it to tj it seems... gonna start asking around tml

EDIT TWO: i'm gonna get myself the garfield movie dvd probably tml after seeing them in malaysia (hopefully singapore's version is without the unsightly subtitles...) i'm just a sucker for garfield (^^) and as much a i thought it was a poor movie it would be the fourth time i'm watching it if i get it (and the only movie i watched more than once, at that). i watched it the first time downloaded from the internet cos it was released in the us earlier, then watched it in the cinemas (and alone :<... the second movie i watched alone in theatres after the final fanatasy movie) before watching the downloaded version again after i returned to try to get every li'l joke in it... i'm still a li'l unhappy how nermal only got a bit part (and a stray even...), odie was adopted (when he's actually from lyman, jon's roommate), how jon actually suceeded in love hwne he's supposed to be a dead loser and how the characters don't look like their counterpart in the script...
but i still love garfield... i have a week of archive of the strips to catch before i can proclaim i have seen every strip available from its start (^^), and i still remember the last time i tried to search for a nermal plushy (shops only seem to sell garfield and odie), taking me so many trips around singapore and a few days... now i want to get a whole collection of plushies of the cast but i don't think i can find them... i want jon, lyman, arlene, the rat (now what is it called?), the mailman and even those bit characters like jon's mom, the dog next door, the two cranky senior neighbours, the stray cat (now what's his name again?) and everyone... i also want another nermal, no doubt my fave character... but enough rants i guess...

Even after pleading with my parents not to go overseas before the holidays this year so as not to clash with any of the chalets whatsoever, it seems like we're going after all. at least nothing was affected, and deep down i love travelling to other countries. i love pampering myself by sleeping in hotels, leaving everything untidily as you get up and go out only to find it all tidied up again when you come back at night; the continental breakfast buffet where i can eat to my heart's desire; the roaming around the cities with a map in hand, trying to find the way around; the meals at restaurants with all those expensive foods; the feeling where you know you can spend as you like without thinking too much about costs, etc... i love all this. just too bad there ain't any lush greenery or snowy mountaincaps to admire this time round but i'm glad already.

and i think i need the time to get away and think of what to do from now on as well. it's just one of the things about being libra where you have to take everything into consideration, ensure that it's fair for everyone before arriving at the final conclusion. i don't know now, so the trips on the bus will be good time to weigh everything and finally decide the path i wanna take. just too bad i'd only come back on friday and will miss the planning for the class outing cos i need every chance to get together with the class. and i'd miss sessions with my 'group' as well and all the talks, etc. now to say bye bye to my blog again for the third time this holidays until friday...

Feel so much better today... lighter as if a load has just been lifted off my back. went play ball, got together, talked, sang etc and it all felt like it wasn't so bad. i'm even cheerful now i think. sure, it's a li'l weird knowing that eric's in indonesia now, but nowhere near sad or missing him. it'd be nice if he was here, but i'm feeling pretty gd today. nice...

[This entry is dedicated to eric, who is probably in indonesia now...]

Anyway, let's continue from the last post. so we left and took the bus to eric's house. the mood was pretty much set then and though i tried talking to lymon to get my mind off it it didn't work. so i was at the back of the bus, thinking about many things... the feeling was.. weird... then slowly i got another feeling... i dunno why and how to explain it, but it felt like jealousy? i felt envious while staring at the front of the bus, and longed for more. well everyone have their fair share of problems i try to shake off that feeling but i couldn't. thankfully i managed to sleep or i'd have been thinking too much.

so we got there, eric, lymon, ash and me but we just sat there silently. i just did not know what to say, and it seems like everyone was the same as well. a lot of things were still going through my head, and i can't help but think of that morning... bye bye, and that's probably it. it's all gonna be over...

soon went home, then went to plaza singapura for eric's farewell dinner. in the end went over to bugis for seoul garden. i think i'm falling sick cos my appetite's not there but again i digress. at least the mood really lightened up at the dinner. too bad terence couldn't make it, but i'm grateful we didn't need his lameness to cheer us up. the conversation started out as random banter bout the food and such so it got kinda scary when we ran out of things to say halfway through it and silence reigned again... thankfully things soon picked up when we started talking bout the class, making wild guesses at things and later embarassing ourselves by revealing certain things. there were laughs aplenty, hints dropped around and lots of guesses here and there and it was really, really fun imo. then there's 'no hormones' aaron who's there trying to make sense of what we're saying... lol... hope the five of us can all make it to tj and continue another round of something like this...

so glad we all ended on this lighter note. felt gd after going home, then on msn people were planning for a cls outing... i really regret i can't make it for the planning cos i need every opportunity to meet up again regardless of the activity.

sadly, things took a turn this morning. i woke up and slowly things slowly sunk in... i though of yesterday morning again, and didn't know what to do. so throughout the whole day i was just sleeping, waking up for 30min now and then staring at the msn screen and then going to sleep again... and i'm sleeping not cos i'm tired at the lack of sleep in the chalet. i just can't get over things yet....

but i guess i just need time. time heals everything after all. but for now i dunno what to do. i don't feel like gaming, i don't feel like doing anything but think and try remember... guess i should try getting a few people out together again... and there's still the vacation on monday to kl/genting. as long as i find something to do on the long bus trips back and fro i should be able to take my mind off this things for a while. no point looking backwards and crying over things. i've done almost everything in my power so i should have no regrets. i'm just a li'l wary of the first day of sch cos things would change from there. but i'd survive as a stronger person i think...

and now eric's song for the class starts ringing in my head... (hope we can make that cd out of it)

[chorus]

people, people, the onus is on you
people, people, at the end of the day
people, people, how many times, must i tell you

4e1, 4e1...
we're gonna be the one
4e1, 4e1...
everyone will be someone someday
4e1, 4e1...
we're gonna be... friends forever
friends forever

Chalet was over yesterday... Lots of thoughts but dunno how to phrase them... guess i should start from the start...

first day i was playing mahjong, cards and my gamecube (how nice to finally play those multiplayer games the way they were meant to be played). got to mix with quite some people whom i was not so close to which was nice.

second day was kinda like more of the same. however, in the afternoon while the others were on the gamecube i kinda allowed my mind to wander off and started daydreaming... soon those thoughts came to my mind and i was pretty troubled that day... at night there was the bbq but i hardly ate then went upstairs and had lots of one-to-one, heart-to-heart talks with many different people. that for me was probably the best part of the chalet. i shared a lot, gained insight on a lot of new things and got to strengthen my bonds with those people. it still amazes me how i talk differently to other people, using different words and would share different things. and that's how weird relationships are. after the talks i was kinda surprised how there were many different perspectives on the same incident and how things do not seem to be like what they are on the surface. eventually all this thinking and talking got the better of me and i retired at bout 1pm midway through playing mario party... the sleep on the three chairs were pretty horrible but i had to sleep...

next day awoke feeling really cold. turned out terence and vinnie was feeling the same and we went outside the chalet and slept outside it. soon, douglas and co were trying to persuade people to go wild wild wet. toyed with the idea but in the end decided against it cos not many people went. so the group that was left ended up playing monopoly... and because of that many of us skipped lunch (and to think i skipped breakfast as well), but i digress. at the end of the game was thinking bout going kbox or bowling but due to time constraints decided to go bowling. the group left in the chalet told us to be back early so we only played a game which left me wanting more. also very irritated with this super inconsiderate guy who took 2 lanes for himself in the peak period and took bout 8 or so house balls even though he has his own bowling ball... and to think he doesn't bowl well too. may bad luck befall this kind of guy.

after we went back we realised that no plans had been made and we went back for nothing. most were going night cycling but me, vinnie and terence did not want to go (my cycling skills always limit me to a park only... and all those assurances ash was trying to give me never really assured me). but in the end still went to help them rent bikes, only to realise only 8 guys went there to borrow 10 bikes. in the end terence had to do so much work running back and forth even though he's not going for it. and after vinnie called for 'reinforcements' i got irritated by the replies we were given. thankfully no one said anything when we went back or i'd probably have let go at someone.

after that i had another round of talks, shared more and gained more again. i need to have more of these but i don't think it's very possible now. then we went tampines after some problems and couldn't decide where to eat. in the end settled on swensen's but had to wait for so long. some people got angry and well, i might have if i wasn't so famished and hungry after skipping my meals earlier in the day. finally went in at about 9 (i think) and had this very late dinner. and becuase i was eating on an empty stomach i almost puked when the oil got the better of me and i couldn't finish it. at least the conversations at the table were pretty light-hearted and fun and didn't make me think more. then we went out and was thinking of going kbox again but in the end went back. dozed off on the bus and got back.

many went night cycling, leaving only 7 of us in the chalet. terence immediately KO-ed on the bed once we made it back (without bathing or brushing his teeth... ewe...) and i actually wanted to do so as well (that is after i bath and brush) but vinnie convinced me to do otherwise. so in the end, candy, weiteng, sandy, me, vinnie and junwei decided to go swimming. tried to wake terence up but he slept like a log. we called his name countless number of times, nudged him, took pictures of him and everything we can think of but he still slept. so we left with the keys, hoping he'd not wake up when we're gone. since all the pools were close we (or rather, they) were thinking of sneaking in one. tried sneaking into downtown east but there was a security guard there and decided to climb the gates into the aranda pool, only to find out that the door wasn't locked. so we went in, and into that ice-cold water. shivering like mad at first, but soon it got better and it was fun swimming. but in the end we had to leave early cos sandy was concerned about terence. turned out terence was still sleeping (as expected) but junio came and couldn't enter the chalet. felt pretty bad bout that, but i still wonder how terence managed to survive the handphone ringing, the doorbell and the door knocks.

went for a shower, brushed my teeth and retired again. i thought i had the bed when they went night cycling but terence and junio were on them and i had to make do on the three chairs again... kinda felt the night cycling people come back or something but i was half awake then. next morning was awake but didn't feel like sitting up so just lied down there for a long while. eventually it was time to pack up my bag. was trying so hard to stuff everything into it and when i finally did i realised i had things i forgot to pack. but i digress again. so in the end, we checked out and left. went to burger king for lunch together and had a gd conversation with some people. but after that, people soon left one by one and it was piercing. that was probably the last time we said goodbye until march... don't wanna harp on these things again i guess though i still felt it...

[will continue in the next entry]

again i'm thinking a lot bout myself... i dunno how to socialise in real life and i can't even sustain a decent conversation behind the safety provided behing the computer or the phone...

yesterday i went to gamescore to get a game and i saw npc#16, adam/doomyouji, cheng kai and maybe more from sggamers but i didn't go up and greet them. to be more precise, i didn't dare.... sure, i can attribute that to the tj incident where crashwire/valentine 'snubbed' me but i'd not make any excuses... i've just not done enough and i'm gonna stay in my present state socially if i don't change fast.

those guys are all older than me but we share the same passion, gaming and i'd little trouble understanding their conversations that first time i met them. they're people whom i can really relate to cos i grew up playing the same type of games they did, starting from the nes, snes and genesis and so on. most people i know who actually game are either pc gamers or started gaming from the ps onwards so we have different tastes and preferences. to think i blew up the chance to get a good chat. they were buying the nintendo ds, and my was it hot. two screens to game on, a touch screen, microphone, etc... how much better can it get. now i gotta stop wanting every second nifty gadget i see or i'd never save anything... previously there was the walkman, then gameboy, discman, handphone, gba, pda, gba sp, ipod and the list goes on and on... i even wanted obscure stuff like the wonderswan when i came out. some of them i got, some i haven't but i'm wasting too much money on them, but i digress.

reflecting on this situation i recalled why i chose tj... i wanted to put myself into a situation where i'd be forced to change, forced to open up. that's why i toured the numerous jcs trying to find one with the atmosphere that will facilitate that. some people say tj's open house was just an act and not reflective of what's the true culture but my opinion is if you can't even put up a decent show during open house then when will you have that lively atmosphere? that's why i was very disappointed with vj when i went there. sure, most people were involved in the dance and open house was over but we saw many people while walking around the school conpound, some clearing up and stuff and not one of them said a word to us. that is the kind of attitude i'd display and i don't want that. i'd rather take my chance and hope that the people i saw in tj was the majority and i'd become something like that if i go there...

i cannot allow this to continue... i might survive jc like that, but what about ns? what about university? what about life in itself if i do make it that far? how am i gonna get myself a girlfriend, much less a wife later in my life? will i even be able to keep a close group of friends whom i can rely upon in times of need? will i even keep in touch with my relatives...

most of the time i'm a loner and prefer being alone to myself but at the end of the day i know i cannot do everything myself... moreover, i'm a libra inside...

i pride myself in being a li'l more tech savvy than the average person but i will not allow my life to become that of a typical geek. hopefully things will improve for me, but at the same time i don't want to change the essence of myself. individuality counts a lot to me and as much as i wanna open up i don't want to turn into a generic person who don't make much difference...

i really have no idea what kind of person i'd change to be later in my life...

had a pleasant dream last night... that makes it the second time where i felt this overwhelming bliss in a dream. how i wish it was like real life. dreams fascinate me... they are weird, illogical, surreal yet so real as you can almost vouch you were there. somehow dreams (at least my dreams) are always so quiet but yet words are spoken. faces and people always look so fuzzy and cannot be made out but somehow, you know who everyone is... and as twisted as they are, they always reflect whatever you are thinking. how i wish those dreams were for real...

i still cannot forget that feeling. it's... nice... it's warm... the feeling of just lying down and not doing anything, knowing that everything is fine and THE ONE is beside you. there's no need for words cos i just know that she is there... maybe u call that security but i dun know...

weird... but always after that reality will try to remind you where you are, and i did get a li'l irritated, maybe even angry at someone just trying to be funny online... again i get reminded of the priority thing... it seems like we're really on different tracks and after the chalet we'd prob not see each other ever again except when we get our results back in march... so i've been 'rotting' at home these few days, a li'l afraid to try do anything. but at least we'd have the chalet next week and i'd be going overseas the week after next so i don't give myself too much time to think. but it'd progressing a li'l too fast... i haven't even completed a game at all and i've hoped to complete at least 3 or 4 this holiday and all is gonna end soon... soon it'd be the next chapter of our lives... just what will be beyond that door i wonder...

either all shops have no taste or i have bad dress sense (probably the latter) as i can't seem to be able to shop for any clothes... it's either too expensive, too big or too ugly... that's why i hate shopping (for clothes that is), but there are time where needs overpower feelings like this... i have just so little clothes in my wardrobe that i seem to be wearing the same thing over and over again when i get out... agh, the agony... now i have to go out there again today and try find something. and i'm thankful i didn't go prom after yesterday... clothes are so freaking expensive...

i still remember a few times during the exams where stress somehow damaged my brain and i went shopping midway through my studying at the library. i went to get those ultra expensive clothes that i'd probably never afford in my whole life and try them out, seeing how i'd look in them... weird how things like this relieve stress. but how embarassing it is, to have indulged in shopping before...

and talking bout embarassment, nothing's worse than getting spotted shopping, but somehow things gotta happen. bout a week before i went bugis to do my 'geek shopping' but somehow decided to shop for clothes midway through it, only to see vanda shopping with her mum... i just dunno where to hide my face then... now i've got another day of shopping to go until i manage to finally find something... grrr... how am i gonna survive.

while i'm generally not fickle bout fashion and stuff, seeing how so many people dyed their hair for prom lit up sth inside me. one day, one day i want to get the 'freddie ljungberg hairstyle', spiking up everything before having that strip of red in the centre... maybe one day i'd be rich and decide to do that...

# posted by Kelvin @ 10:56 AM 0 comments

singapore idol was great and more than reason to skip prom (though that's not the reason of course)... even sylvester put up a spectacular performance, but as again taufik was better. so glad taufik won... i'm gonna get his album when it comes out surely, maybe even on the first day.

i dun regret skipping prom at all cos of the price and everything but i do regret missing the chance to see many people for one last time. grad day was kinda in a rush and people started streaming out before i got the chance to say one final gdbye to many of them... just hope that they go to the chalet at least and i won't be so engrossed in watever i'd be doing.

miss is not the word, however... i can't say i miss the class and the people cos i don't want to keep dwelling on memories of yesteryear. there's no point brooding over something that has taken place... i'd rather put it as i long for us to be together again and never part. too bad it'd not happen. haven't been getting together with friends the past two days and already i'm starting to feel the pinch. i had so many plans, but when the few of us got closer and i slowly knew more bout certain things it's no longer so easy... sometimes i wish i didn't know any of these, but that's part of friendship i guess.

i'm starting to think of how life will be like in jc. i remember on the first day of my secondary school life i looked into the mirror and told myself it's the chance to be a new me. only huifang came from my sch so everything i've done during primary sch is erased and i can forge a different person from scratch. sadly, it didn't turn out this way and my first two years + were kinda like wandering around trying to find who i am. i still haven't found it, but at least i got this rough idea...

come jc i just want to take things as they are in my stride, go out and do all those things i've been too scared to do before and try, try and try... i don't have two years this time round to sort myself out again and try steer myself in a different path. i wonder how i'd be come then...

Been thinking bout it for a while, how i've changed through the yrs. terence has been saying i changed a lot pre and post graduation but i haven't really given much thought until recently. i think i have indeed changed a lot, be it for better or for worse. the shy, quiet and hard-to-notice small kid in lower primary, a much more active person in upper primary, much more outspoken, willing to volunteer in class to answer qns etc, then lower sec, upper sec and now... slowly i'm trying to mould myself into the person i wanna be. terence says how gd it'd be if i was like i am now in sec 1 but then that will not be myself. i am the person i am now because of my past experiences and changes and i'm fine with things they are. hopefully the next step into jc life will see myself change for the better and i can lead the life i want soon...

next i've been reading on horoscopes. it's really uncanny how true it is sometimes... definitely everyone is different and having a specific zodiac sign doesn't mean a person will have a specific type of personality but there are many trues in it. often there is the one or two characteristic that's different from the typical person of the zodiac sign but most of the time it matches. i try to see myself, and while i'm not the sociable person libras are supposed to be many of the personalities seem to fit me. i tend to try accomodate other people's interests, try to be fair and will always go about trying to avoid conflicts... my ideas, my dreams... it's eerie. i believe in science as my religion but there are these things that science cannot explain (yet?)... these things never fails to amaze me.

am now listening to lots of music to get into singapore idol mood now... it'd be on tonight while the other people go to prom (unless terence suddenly decides to call me)... i really hope taufik win, and will be casting a vote or two for him. he definitely deserves to win. sylvester's fans say that it's an idol contest and sly has the support and should win but i beg to differ. i think taufik actually have more supporters but it's just that they don't vote in astronomical numbers like sylvester's crazy fangirls do... go taufik... at least if it's jessea or olinda i would have remained neutral, but taufik's my last hope. pls, sylvester fans, pls, don't disgrace singapore on world idol with 'keeeys from a rose'... pls don't make us the laughing stock of the universe ;P and may terence be our next singapore idol... :>