Sunday, December 05, 2004
Socially inept
again i'm thinking a lot bout myself... i dunno how to socialise in real life and i can't even sustain a decent conversation behind the safety provided behing the computer or the phone...
yesterday i went to gamescore to get a game and i saw npc#16, adam/doomyouji, cheng kai and maybe more from sggamers but i didn't go up and greet them. to be more precise, i didn't dare.... sure, i can attribute that to the tj incident where crashwire/valentine 'snubbed' me but i'd not make any excuses... i've just not done enough and i'm gonna stay in my present state socially if i don't change fast.
those guys are all older than me but we share the same passion, gaming and i'd little trouble understanding their conversations that first time i met them. they're people whom i can really relate to cos i grew up playing the same type of games they did, starting from the nes, snes and genesis and so on. most people i know who actually game are either pc gamers or started gaming from the ps onwards so we have different tastes and preferences. to think i blew up the chance to get a good chat. they were buying the nintendo ds, and my was it hot. two screens to game on, a touch screen, microphone, etc... how much better can it get. now i gotta stop wanting every second nifty gadget i see or i'd never save anything... previously there was the walkman, then gameboy, discman, handphone, gba, pda, gba sp, ipod and the list goes on and on... i even wanted obscure stuff like the wonderswan when i came out. some of them i got, some i haven't but i'm wasting too much money on them, but i digress.
reflecting on this situation i recalled why i chose tj... i wanted to put myself into a situation where i'd be forced to change, forced to open up. that's why i toured the numerous jcs trying to find one with the atmosphere that will facilitate that. some people say tj's open house was just an act and not reflective of what's the true culture but my opinion is if you can't even put up a decent show during open house then when will you have that lively atmosphere? that's why i was very disappointed with vj when i went there. sure, most people were involved in the dance and open house was over but we saw many people while walking around the school conpound, some clearing up and stuff and not one of them said a word to us. that is the kind of attitude i'd display and i don't want that. i'd rather take my chance and hope that the people i saw in tj was the majority and i'd become something like that if i go there...
i cannot allow this to continue... i might survive jc like that, but what about ns? what about university? what about life in itself if i do make it that far? how am i gonna get myself a girlfriend, much less a wife later in my life? will i even be able to keep a close group of friends whom i can rely upon in times of need? will i even keep in touch with my relatives...
most of the time i'm a loner and prefer being alone to myself but at the end of the day i know i cannot do everything myself... moreover, i'm a libra inside...
i pride myself in being a li'l more tech savvy than the average person but i will not allow my life to become that of a typical geek. hopefully things will improve for me, but at the same time i don't want to change the essence of myself. individuality counts a lot to me and as much as i wanna open up i don't want to turn into a generic person who don't make much difference...
i really have no idea what kind of person i'd change to be later in my life...
yesterday i went to gamescore to get a game and i saw npc#16, adam/doomyouji, cheng kai and maybe more from sggamers but i didn't go up and greet them. to be more precise, i didn't dare.... sure, i can attribute that to the tj incident where crashwire/valentine 'snubbed' me but i'd not make any excuses... i've just not done enough and i'm gonna stay in my present state socially if i don't change fast.
those guys are all older than me but we share the same passion, gaming and i'd little trouble understanding their conversations that first time i met them. they're people whom i can really relate to cos i grew up playing the same type of games they did, starting from the nes, snes and genesis and so on. most people i know who actually game are either pc gamers or started gaming from the ps onwards so we have different tastes and preferences. to think i blew up the chance to get a good chat. they were buying the nintendo ds, and my was it hot. two screens to game on, a touch screen, microphone, etc... how much better can it get. now i gotta stop wanting every second nifty gadget i see or i'd never save anything... previously there was the walkman, then gameboy, discman, handphone, gba, pda, gba sp, ipod and the list goes on and on... i even wanted obscure stuff like the wonderswan when i came out. some of them i got, some i haven't but i'm wasting too much money on them, but i digress.
reflecting on this situation i recalled why i chose tj... i wanted to put myself into a situation where i'd be forced to change, forced to open up. that's why i toured the numerous jcs trying to find one with the atmosphere that will facilitate that. some people say tj's open house was just an act and not reflective of what's the true culture but my opinion is if you can't even put up a decent show during open house then when will you have that lively atmosphere? that's why i was very disappointed with vj when i went there. sure, most people were involved in the dance and open house was over but we saw many people while walking around the school conpound, some clearing up and stuff and not one of them said a word to us. that is the kind of attitude i'd display and i don't want that. i'd rather take my chance and hope that the people i saw in tj was the majority and i'd become something like that if i go there...
i cannot allow this to continue... i might survive jc like that, but what about ns? what about university? what about life in itself if i do make it that far? how am i gonna get myself a girlfriend, much less a wife later in my life? will i even be able to keep a close group of friends whom i can rely upon in times of need? will i even keep in touch with my relatives...
most of the time i'm a loner and prefer being alone to myself but at the end of the day i know i cannot do everything myself... moreover, i'm a libra inside...
i pride myself in being a li'l more tech savvy than the average person but i will not allow my life to become that of a typical geek. hopefully things will improve for me, but at the same time i don't want to change the essence of myself. individuality counts a lot to me and as much as i wanna open up i don't want to turn into a generic person who don't make much difference...
i really have no idea what kind of person i'd change to be later in my life...
