The simpler life...

nothing much to blog bout as much as i'd like to blog frequently... and think this would be a short one (and maybe i'd be able to keep my promise this time)

recently, mood's been rather calm... there r times where i'm a little dreamy and a li'l down, but nth too much. as usual, everyday's still the sch, library cafe and pc so really nothing much to mention.

only maybe 1 special event, where that malay guy (no racism intended, but that's the second irritating one) obviously tried to provoke me... juz cos i dun wanna offend any1 and try to accomodate, think i might be seen as soft... but dun wanna talk too much bout that... i'd still continue the way i m 4 now.

prelims tml, with the first super duper important one coming up, eng. have to do respectably to at least get somewhere 4 the first three months. dun think i should do that bad, but with eng, anything can happen. i rate my vocab and expository writing fairly high so hopefully i'd breeze through this first obstacle...

on prelims, though i've not worked as hard as i should have, dun feel underprepared or anything... i've did rather hard, so hopefully i'd do well... go!!!

(short enuf?)

self doubt... that's what haunting me... as if yesterday wasn't enuf, another blow dealt today. actually, the fall continued after blogging yesterday as i continued thinking, and remembered the one incident in kindergarden... well, that happened during lesson when one 'fren' of mine was playing around and using his pencil motioning a poking action at me. so, being a kid , i mimicked him and accidentally poked him in the eye. he cried, and the teachers soon came, seemingly blaming me. and it was then, spoiled ol' me threw a tantrum and refused to apologise and i was punished by having to stand at one side of the class during lessons...

till now, so many yrs down the road, i still have no regrets over what i did. i do admit that i should not have done that, but i dun think i m in any way wrong 4 what i did... he did something, and i followed suit with no ill intention and juz cos i wasn't too careful (u expect a kindergarden kid to be careful?) i was made to look like the accused... juz cos some1 did something first and cried i had to bare the blame... maybe i should have juz cried when he first did it and he'd be punished?

end of story, and i think it juz shows that i hate to be wrongly accused or get blamed incorrectly... i stand by what i think is right, and i have no intention to change that.

anyway, back to today. as usual, it's early in the morning and mr yeo was late as usual and with the earling morning blues (as usual again) i went on my routine pacing around juz letting my mind wonder. it's juz my way of relaxing, but turns out that pple actually think it is like 'action' and proud... really like to thank ash on being frank there, and also with what he seemed to have heard bout my bball... so it seems like i'm seen as not what i really mean...

nth to get angry bout, but it really set me off thinking... this has always been my way of doing things, my way of handling things, and it seem like i may actually go down being seen as proud or arrogant... i've been doing these since as far as i can remember, so muz i change my whole way of life? muz i change the essence of what had been kelvin soh? also, bout the bball thing, if that is really true (and it should have some degree of it cos it seemed like he got some inside sources) i really have to wonder y the coach wasn't more frank with me... juz tell me and i'd try to change, so dun leave me disenchanted and disillusioned as i have been... (i still think highly of him, but...)

so, it was depression in the afternoon, and i can't really describe it. it was like you'd lost all your confidence and pride in yourself. it's like you feel u r a gd 4 nth... basically, it kinda feels like you have lost everything that mattered in ur life and u're left with nth. my personal opinion of what drives life is juz that sheer hope we cling onto... and when we lose that last hope, the life is gone. some go into religion to provide that hope, some commit suicide when they lose it, while me? i can say i'm really depressed, but i dun think i'd be anywhere close to committing suicide cos i juz dun dare to put myself to do it. go to sleep wishing i'd nvr wake up, yes, but kill myself through those painful ways is definitely a no-no... i have no fren that is really close that i can willingly confide my troubles to... i wanted to cry, but can't bring myself to do so... so in the end, it's juz me, trodding on with life and living juz cos i'm not dying...

but juz in case u think i m really depressed and i need some counselling, at least i'm feelin a li'l better now compared with the afternoon after trying to sleep it off. deep down i'm still unsure of what to do, unsure of my own abilities but at least i dun feel so down anymore... at least i can hope again, hope that something gd might juz happen someday... hope...

again, couldn't blog yesterday due to the sheer amount of things i have to do (basically juz studying, studying and studying, but juz barely managed to catch some sg idol and olympics), so will fill in on both days (yesterday and today) now, with life looking rather active 4 my week.

first, let me get the gd things out first be4 i start complaining bout lots of things... the wonderful week seemed to have ended yesterday with the trip on the mrt home really horrible. couldn't get a seat, and was juz half asleep standing up and feeling juz plain atrocious. however, after getting to the cafe, ordered a double espresso, probably the strongest coffee i've ever taken. though it did take some time to really perk me up, i left the library feeling really alert and sharp thanks to the extra dose of caffeine. suddenly, everything seemed to look bright once again and it really looked like a splendid day 4 me then... also, thought i might not get to sleep at night thanks to that but guess it now proves my theory that caffeine doesn't really work on me in terms of helping me stay awake (though the only reason i could have lasted that studying was that double espresso). now gimme a triple espresso some time.

so things looking up yet again for the fourth day in a row, but things soon got to a turn... horrible PE... generally wasn't feeling too high already in the morning, but PE was juz a nail in the coffin. well, accursed terence volunteered our group to do the 'creative game' thing, and with no one else willing to contribute, i decided to brief the class while he went to take the things. so it started, with me going on with my stupid way of explaining things. taliban wasn't too happy it seems but at least nth wrong so far...

then the games started, and again no one wanted to shoulder responsibility. lymon and vinnie muz go away to train after failing their napfas, u can't expect aaron the apathetic to do anything and waimeng was, as usual if i was to say (no offence, though), more interested in playing. in the end, even terence decided he wanted to go join in the fun. so, nvm, i took decided not to shirk my duties and handled the officiating. turned out the rules didn't really work (well, i wasn't too impressed with the plan in the first place, but at least i thought they could pull it off) and everything was horrible. and to think we had such a long lesson and i had to endure that doing nth.

so, finally, at the end of the lesson, taliban was debriefing us. and my was i disappointed... disapointed with 'disappointed', if u know what i mean. sure, i have to say i sucked big time and juz wasn't up to it, but i dun think that 'disappointment' was just... it's one thing to point out what i did wrong (at least she did that in the end) but it's totally another thing to say u're especially disappointed in someone... and especially so if that someone actually cared and bothered and tried to do his part while others did not... i didn't think we did bad enuf to warrant a c mark as well, with her almost failing us... sure, it was horrible and all, but i thought at the end of the day a b- would be more appropriate considerning we did get things done, and done alrite.

but back to the disappointment... i'm not trying to restore pride to myself or blame my group members or anything, but i'm disappointed as well in her assessment. again i muz emphasize that i did not do the job properly, but to be most disappointed in me when there r two members who didn't even do a shit thing (guess i'm getting kinda emotional now... juz had an urge to type an expletive, and shit was not it) juz doesn't feel rite... so, lesson learnt? why bother... why care? why give a damn bout things when juz being plain apathetic can let u squirrel out of blame and everything... so y did i even bothered and cared? what's the point? shouldn't i juz let others do the things...

and that's well i'm really pissed off bout that. sure, she definitely didn't mean to encourage apathy or sth, but wat she did was as gd as that, at least to me. so, if i juz hide in one corner, not do my job and appear as if i'm not in the group and only turn up in the end i'd escape any form of criticism? if i try shoulder some responsibility this is what i get? so wat's the message she's sending? and she actually talked as if terence was the saviour of our group... as if i would have caused the team to fail and he helped turn the tide and we passed. sure, credit to terence for at least trying and he did a pretty gd job, but surely i didn't do that badly?

and now, i'm really seriously thinking y i should actually care nowadays... juz this yr i resolved to be 'pathetic rather than apathetic' but is it working? is it worth it? i'm mulling over whether there's anything wrong with my philosophy... it sounds gd enuf, and while i can still improve, i've pretty much stuck to it, so y does this things happen? i dun go round 'asking' for extra burdens, but at the end of the day, i believe that i should absolutely not shirk any of my obligations and responsibilities and if there's no one else willing to shoulder them, i wouldn't mind carrying that extra burden...

so pple like me r easy to bully and take advantage of? so u can change throw all the blame and everything on me and i'd not say anything? it's juz not my personality to argue too much and i tend to try avoid confrontations (guess that's cos i'm a libra?) so most of the time i juz stay quiet when i'm not pleased with something. really, the way i show displeasure is to juz keep silent and ignore others, but these r the times where i think whether it's necessary 4 me to actually show these pple that i'm no pushover. at least i can say that i've never been in a fight before and have been nowhere near one in fact except for that one occasion, and even then i'm not the one who thought bout blows first. i'm that sort of person who likes to keep a clear and level mind, who prefer to back off first... i've never been in a rage, and i hope i will never, but these r the times when i would have if i juz had a different personality. i dun wanna cause any rift of anything so i'd juz keep quiet, but at least i hope that others will give me a li'l basic mutual respect...

back to something milder, i sometimes wonder y i actually like debating and writing argumentative essays and exposition when i generally dun like getting into arguments and such. always when arguing in class i m the one to take that step backwards, consider others' point of view and see if mine's wrong... sometimes i hope that my personality's that li'l more stubborn and i'm firmer in my opinions. again, a libra trait, so i'm really starting to believe in horoscopes...

so, back to the big question of why bother... someone please tell me what's the point of everyting, why i'm doing these things, trying to be responsible and such when shirking them seem to reap better rewards... at least i still stick by my life philosophy 4 now, but meanwhile, dun go questioning y we have such apathetic pple in singapore when these supposed educators r indirectly encouraging it... at least that's the msg i've got from taliban...

4 perhaps the first time, i've got so much to share and blog bout that i dunno how to start... well, guess i'd juz start from monday.

it appeared to be a normal day, but after sch, me, zhiliang, terence and hui shan went to look 4 mr choo to go through our physics papers... and that was one of the most enjoyable experiences i've had 4 some time... clearing doubts, arguing over questions and basically juz really learning new things is juz so fun... it's been so long since i marvelled at the joy of learning, so hope 4 more sessions like that...

and after that day, surprise, surprise, i was actually in high spirits 4 the entire day, not mr boring, pessimistic or dreadful kelvin soh which used to be the norm... everything seemed so fun, everything seemed to be looking so bright and everything, life actually seemed to have meaning 4 once... it was very late when i went to the library to study a bit more on ss and i only finished dinner at 9+, didn't even turn on the computer as i juz watched some olympics and went to sleep but my, was that day meaningful

after that day, it seemed like my whole week has been completely lifted and tuesday went on actually feeling pretty gd. that's juz not me, but it's a change of perspective 4 once... soon, i got more and more dreamy and enveloped in my dreams (figuratively, that is) that something really, really wonderful and magnificent happened... weird, but ultimately astonishing thing....

it was the dream (literally this time round) yesterday... think i'd always remember this dream 4 a long time... the first time i actually liked a dream and i dare say that dream left me with the best feeling i've ever felt... since it has to do with that sensitive topic i've always tried to avoid, i'd juz scan through the happenings... ok, so juz suddenly the dream started... i was entering a room or something like that and there, i saw a scene... pple down there, seemingly crowded togethter celebrating a birthday party... and there she was, sitting in the centre with the place opposite her empty. and somehow it seemed like i was the 'important guest' and well, things juz happened (nth dirty!) it's all so illogical and such, but my, that feeling felt so real... that feeling of being understood and the world juz rotating around the two of you.... the feeling that everything is working out... i'm floating...

looks like i've kinda revealed too much bout the dream... but anyway, that's the first time i've every dreamt of something of that sort. this's the first, and most memorable dream of its kind... it all seemed so warm, so nice that the nice feeling actually rolled over to the morning when i woke up. actually remembered everything and that feeling was pure joy at its best... it's bliss, the first time i've ever felt it... this is the exact feeling i've been yearning 4 and hope i can die with... a slight smile on my face, satisfied with what i have, in pure, eternal bliss...

it's all fake and everything, but really, i can't comment how wonderful that feeling of being accepted was... it's obvious from the dream that it was a combination of things i know (those birthday party pics obviously gave the setting) but with the twist to change everything to suit what i hope and think bout... maybe this's the assertion of my feelings...

juz too bad it's back to reality and though i'm still in relatively gd mood (that's 3 days in a row... a new whole record!), reality is starting to set it. as happy and blissful as i felt in that dream, i would never materialize if i dun do anything, and it doesn't seem like it's going to change. i'm juz too afraid of failure and need a hint too obvious be4 i'd take action.

of course, there r the excuses and reasons i can give... we've only bout 2/3 more months together in zh and chances r i'd not be going to a jc with many zhonghuarians in them. chances r, things won't work out so y should i strain a ok relationship by trying to be too much. at least i can talk to her now if there's the need, so shouldn't i be happy with that? really, i tell myself, if she's in the same jc as i come nxt yr, i'm gonna confess no matter what. actually i may actually do it this yr, but as i say, scaredy li'l me juz need that too obvious hint and i dun think she even knows anything bout it much less drop hints or sth.

so here i m, back to the square one. looks like i've revealed a li'l too much, but frankly who'd bother to read this (and until i decide to link my blog to some1's elses prob no one knows of its existence). but nowadays the dreamy me (i'm a libra after all, and 4 all my pessimism i'm a damn romantic) keeps envisioning things... sure, it's a gd way to distract myself and keep my mind working when i have nth better to do but the more i see those pple having so much fun together i yearn for my own...

izit true love i dun know (and it's prob not) but ultimately, how many pple actually find that... imo wat matters more is juz that two pple click well enuf and there u go, the spark starts everything going... as i always like to say, terence will nvr mate but the true is, i'd prob nvr either... i somehow always leave everything to hope so it's time i take more action. 4 now, prelims and o levels r more important (excuse... i really wouldn't mind sacrificing it at all, or anything for that matter if i can really find bliss and tranquility in my life) so i'd juz continue my slogging 4 now. until i can finally see the changes i've tried to induce into myself really happening, i'd still stay the same old me which won't go very far. maybe this is finally the crest (after a wrong prediction some time back) that starts everything going downhill again, but this may also be yet another step forward...

still, it may seem like only a while yet so long, but this is the thrid time happening and the first time i'm actually thinking seriously. the first one was really plainly a naive one, the second ended prematurely after weighing the options so i wonder how this'd turn out. will it be like what it've been all along or will it be the next chapter in my life... only time will tell, and let's juz take life one day at a time without thinking too far ahead

dunno how to start, which was y i took so long to blog again even though i've got quite a lot of things happening...

there were indeed quite some things, but dun really want to talk bout them... there's eng oral, which i totally flunked in the pic and conversation (esp in the conversation)... and i was kinda proud of my reading... juz hope i'd at least do enuf to get my aim of a1 4 el...

next was chinese results. was really hoping 4 an a1, but turned out to be a 2, my most dreaded result... really disappointed, and it kinda brought me back to reality and fear for the real o lvls after that moral booster which was the o levels... gonna retake, so hope i won't get this kind of disappointing results again until after my prelims and o levels...

other than that, nth much 4 me to talk bout. there's stil that thing which i dun want to mention out in full, and thinking that it's be juz a short and passing one like many had been was really off. looks like this is turning to be really really long and until sth can somehow convince me to stop, i'd continue on with it (but still do nth) until after we graduate... so sad, my lack of guts... first there's the should i, followed by the do i dare, so in the end the big question, will i can only go one way... come on, mr kelvin soh, u gotta work harder...

i'm really working hard 4 the prelims, so hopefully at least my efforts in both maths can be rewarded and i ace both of them. geog have already done first round, and prob will go 4 another round during the one wk, so that will be quite some hard work as well and hope i'd get my results too. for ss, will go on a two wk ordeal with it so again, hope it turns out fine. phy and chem will be during the one wk... not much i can do (guess i can only start really slogging it out after the prelims) but hopefully, it's enuf 4 my a1s... bio... juz pass can lah... cl i would at least put in a li'l effort so hopefully that's enuf. and alas, the most important eng... i really gotta work harder sometime soon, so guess it's time to be more serious bout eng. hopefully, everything can go well and more and i can get my desired results. i know my target of straight 'A's and 6 is a li'l unrealistic and i can prob get in nj or tj with sth close, but i really juz wanna give it my all and see where it takes me. at the end of the day, think i'd be following my frens more. i've tried going it myself coming to zh, but this time, i dun wanna feel so left out... hopefully things will turn out as i hope and i'd be able to put in some action and 'live happily ever after'...

i dunno y, but it seems like i tend to blog only on sad days... was tempted to blog the past few days, but like almost everyday, juz can't muster up everything i need to come down here and type something for the sake of it. generally, i think that the thing is that when i'm down, i start thinking, and the thinking always links and branches out eveywhere. and since my blog's generally a journal of my feelings, i'd only get things to blog bout only when i'm sad. well, that seemed the way it was today until...

SINGAPORE IDOL!!! IT TOTALLY ROCKS!!! it definitely made my day and i have kinda forgotten all my grievance. they made it really funny... the egoistic rocky from shanghai who believed in his abilities so much, the lemon tree man, that stripper making a fool of himself, that careless whisper guy whispering (i wonder if he was trying to make a fool of himself by saying bout those comments thing or was it juz like that)... they're all really funny and nice. the judges are cool too, esp dick with his subtle word twists and florence... too bad that ken guy juz looked so stern...

but that wasn't so important... TERENCE PEH's 3 second or so in the singapore idol roar was the killer. I've waited 4 more than 3 hours trying to catch his commercial but to no avail, but now i've finally got him on tape. TERENCE PEH ROCKS!!! (nah, he sucks, but juz 4 the sake of joining singapore idol and giving me something to talk bout...)

Also, there's SAIKOMELON from gamersquare (or BANANAMAN as he is known in the show) really looking 4ward to the next episode. Now i can tell every1 i know that this star of the next episode is some1 i know from my forums... GO!!! Hope Wednesday will juz come soon.

on the ending note, it's revision yet again. i'm really slacking on the a maths, and i'm nowhere close to my targets 4 the long weekend. there's the hw tml, along with revision 4 ss, so looks like i can't complete my quest this time round... sigh... on one hand, i want more time to prepare 4 the prelims, but on the other hand, i juz can't wait 4 o levels to come and get over and done with it... may all things go well and i be rewarded with my efforts in my results. i could do a lot more, but u can't say i haven't tried.

amidst all the mindless prep 4 the exams, i have been thinking quite a lot bout my past 4 yrs in zhonghua, bout my whole life, but sad to say, i feel so empty yet again... i may have done respectably academically throughout my whole life, became quite gd at some things while lacking in others but socially my life have been a rout. sure, i do have a gd bunch of friends who had gone through a lot with me but ultimately, i have juz failed.

and i wanna blame some1 4 that, but dunno who to lay all the accusations on. my parents 4 limiting my early childhood life? the singapore education system? juz pure bad luck in kbps in my first three years there without a true fren? yangqin 4 taking up so much of my time (though i muz admit the frenz i met there were precious even though we'd lost contact)? 1/2 e7 for being the crappy, horrible class? teo siew yan 4 her terrible way of taking a class as her form? juz me, myself for my atrocious social skills? the list goes on and on...

looking back, i've been wondering what i've been doing 4 the 16 years. it's like i've juz thrown them away... i've had my chances (memories of my lack of involvement in bball is one of my saddest memories) but it's not that easy taking them... now i juz wonder if i can recoup all these in my jc life. that's y the atmosphere will prob be the most crucial factor in my decision 4 a jc. i roughly know what kinda atmosphere and setting i need to get into the school, so really hoping the open houses will come soon. may i not be disappointed by what i see in them...

nth much happening nowadays... with exams closing with every passing second, everything that seems to be happening is bout them, so nth much 4 me to blog bout. tests come and go, but it's obvious the main thing is now the prelims and ultimately 'o's

super nerd nowadays, and everyday after sch till 'round 8 is 4 studying. visiting the cafe in the library so much that i'm a regular with no need to order already (the usual will do). well, kudos to cafe galilee on a few pnts. i really like the promotions they r having (reward prog, beverage card, 50% refill) and the great service from that guy (jeffery i think it is) so i think i'd even frequent them after all the studying and exam juz 4 a cup of coffee.

it's getting really dull and boring, but i juz have to labor on. i really hope i can reach differentiation by the end of the long weekend and finish it sometime less than a fortnight. after that, it's ss be4 all my sciences revision start. hope i can at least go into the prelims with the humanities and maths very well prepared and have done a decent amount of chem and phy... onwards!

oral coming soon too on wed so here's hoping 4 a gd one. i'm banking on my reading, so if the passage turns out to be something i can really express on i should have li'l prob with that. pic is very shaky 4 me, so hoping 4 a easy and 'expected' one. and 4 conversation, pls give some decent topic not involving national education or family and i should do fine. now that my th sounds have been worked on with juz some loose ends here and there on pronounciation to work on, hope i can ace the orals.

scrabble competition today, and our team won the consolation/merit prize for the top ten teams... sound so pathetic, consolation/merit... something like top 10 would sound so much better. moreover, it's very likely that we're in the top 5, so they really should have given more recognition to us.

on the performance, i have many different feelings. on one hand, this was above our expectations and i'm happy with what i'd achieved, what with the minimal support from our teachers and no scrabble team watsoeva. whatever we'd achieved is all by our efforts (albeit some serious slacking)... on the other hand, however, it's sheer disappointment. while lymon and aaron's more disappointed on juz missing out on the third prize, i'm more disappointed with myself, losing 3 out of 5 games... that's moer than 50% lost.

i muz give myself credit though. i'd almost single-handedly set up the team (gotta thanks terence 4 making it possible), taught everyone bout the 2 letter words, parallel play, introduced the use of word lists, started the trend of rack clearing (VALIDATE!), went to the prelimanary rounds as team captain and supposed best player, tried to motivate them that we can make it into the final, succeeded in getting into the final, evolved our game to a more advanced level with more bingos and on the day itself trying to motivate everyone that we are a force to be reckoned with and we should give off our best...

however, at the end of the day, i failed to motivate myself, was too cautious in challenging, and plainly sucked, losing the last three games. i feel like i've really disappointed my team. while aaron was really rusty at the beginning and almost lost the first game be4 losing the second game, he came back and did very well. lymon meanwhile continued to be our best player and won everything until the last game. i, on the other hand, had really a lot of trouble trying to encourage everyone after my pathetic results... sorry team, and kudos to aaron and lymon for all the credit of our unofficial top 5 ranking!

still got quite a lot to rant bout, but guess i won't do that. i wanna complain bout the attitude of my final three opponents (they really think they're that gd, eh?), lament bout noel koh's (and the whole sch's) lack of support (sure, our chances of winning is literally zero but our sheer grit got us this far into the top ten and our name will be displayed in the competition next year) and many more but think i'd juz leave everything like that.

once again, cheers to lymon and aaron for the gd work and i muz say i have to be a li'l pleased bout meeting and exceeding my expectation. however, if i had played much better, things could have been very much different. it's over, but i still can't help thinking and getting down on how i've played... may the next bunch of zhonghua scrabblers find the motivation and committment to continue our efforts. i dun want our involvement in the top ten and a force in scrabble to be juz a mere fluke.... juz if only i'd started playing scrabble last yr, we'd prob have a scrabble club and i'd be trying to mould the future of zhonghua scrabblers, not to mention the gd cca points!

i've always been pretty long-winded, be it blogs, forums... everything, so i'd try to make this short in a bid to update more frequently...

supposed to b cross country 2day, but ended up raining, so it's called off (4 now)... i thoroughly detest running so hope it's cancelled 4 this year and not juz postponed... even if it isn't, i'd juz stick with my original plan of walking.

meanwhile, tml's the long-awaited scrabble competition. our team have slacked quite a fair bit, but i still maintain my aim of top 10... and wat's more, it's a public event at suntec! now, may all be well and our team overcome all odds to the top.

last, thing, finally started gaming marathons 4 the first time since cm in the holidays and barring that, mario and luigi bout half a yr ago. this time, it's age of wonders: shadow magic. while the class is all caught up with the horrible micromanaging rts in warcraft, i'm more a turn based guy and shadow magic really got me. once again, i do have the complains like the tutorial which isn't very well done, causing the first mission to be kinda confusing but after losing so many times in the second mission i'm finally getting the hang of it. juz too bad i dun think i'd enjoy the multiplayer after the single player bits (which definitely would take quite a while) cos i prefer playing these type of games with my buddies instead of online strangers, and i'm almost sure no one have even heard of this game, those new-age games while i am still shrouded in the whiffs of nostalgia from old, games... give me puzzles, turn-based games and pixelated graphics anytime...

well, looks like it didn't turn out short in the end, but who cares...
will prob update tml on the results of the scrabble comp unless i produce a disappointing performance and end up being all depressed... may luck be with me (though it somehow seems to elude me during competitions)