Wednesday, August 18, 2004
The joy of learning, bliss in dream, infatuation...
4 perhaps the first time, i've got so much to share and blog bout that i dunno how to start... well, guess i'd juz start from monday.
it appeared to be a normal day, but after sch, me, zhiliang, terence and hui shan went to look 4 mr choo to go through our physics papers... and that was one of the most enjoyable experiences i've had 4 some time... clearing doubts, arguing over questions and basically juz really learning new things is juz so fun... it's been so long since i marvelled at the joy of learning, so hope 4 more sessions like that...
and after that day, surprise, surprise, i was actually in high spirits 4 the entire day, not mr boring, pessimistic or dreadful kelvin soh which used to be the norm... everything seemed so fun, everything seemed to be looking so bright and everything, life actually seemed to have meaning 4 once... it was very late when i went to the library to study a bit more on ss and i only finished dinner at 9+, didn't even turn on the computer as i juz watched some olympics and went to sleep but my, was that day meaningful
after that day, it seemed like my whole week has been completely lifted and tuesday went on actually feeling pretty gd. that's juz not me, but it's a change of perspective 4 once... soon, i got more and more dreamy and enveloped in my dreams (figuratively, that is) that something really, really wonderful and magnificent happened... weird, but ultimately astonishing thing....
it was the dream (literally this time round) yesterday... think i'd always remember this dream 4 a long time... the first time i actually liked a dream and i dare say that dream left me with the best feeling i've ever felt... since it has to do with that sensitive topic i've always tried to avoid, i'd juz scan through the happenings... ok, so juz suddenly the dream started... i was entering a room or something like that and there, i saw a scene... pple down there, seemingly crowded togethter celebrating a birthday party... and there she was, sitting in the centre with the place opposite her empty. and somehow it seemed like i was the 'important guest' and well, things juz happened (nth dirty!) it's all so illogical and such, but my, that feeling felt so real... that feeling of being understood and the world juz rotating around the two of you.... the feeling that everything is working out... i'm floating...
looks like i've kinda revealed too much bout the dream... but anyway, that's the first time i've every dreamt of something of that sort. this's the first, and most memorable dream of its kind... it all seemed so warm, so nice that the nice feeling actually rolled over to the morning when i woke up. actually remembered everything and that feeling was pure joy at its best... it's bliss, the first time i've ever felt it... this is the exact feeling i've been yearning 4 and hope i can die with... a slight smile on my face, satisfied with what i have, in pure, eternal bliss...
it's all fake and everything, but really, i can't comment how wonderful that feeling of being accepted was... it's obvious from the dream that it was a combination of things i know (those birthday party pics obviously gave the setting) but with the twist to change everything to suit what i hope and think bout... maybe this's the assertion of my feelings...
juz too bad it's back to reality and though i'm still in relatively gd mood (that's 3 days in a row... a new whole record!), reality is starting to set it. as happy and blissful as i felt in that dream, i would never materialize if i dun do anything, and it doesn't seem like it's going to change. i'm juz too afraid of failure and need a hint too obvious be4 i'd take action.
of course, there r the excuses and reasons i can give... we've only bout 2/3 more months together in zh and chances r i'd not be going to a jc with many zhonghuarians in them. chances r, things won't work out so y should i strain a ok relationship by trying to be too much. at least i can talk to her now if there's the need, so shouldn't i be happy with that? really, i tell myself, if she's in the same jc as i come nxt yr, i'm gonna confess no matter what. actually i may actually do it this yr, but as i say, scaredy li'l me juz need that too obvious hint and i dun think she even knows anything bout it much less drop hints or sth.
so here i m, back to the square one. looks like i've revealed a li'l too much, but frankly who'd bother to read this (and until i decide to link my blog to some1's elses prob no one knows of its existence). but nowadays the dreamy me (i'm a libra after all, and 4 all my pessimism i'm a damn romantic) keeps envisioning things... sure, it's a gd way to distract myself and keep my mind working when i have nth better to do but the more i see those pple having so much fun together i yearn for my own...
izit true love i dun know (and it's prob not) but ultimately, how many pple actually find that... imo wat matters more is juz that two pple click well enuf and there u go, the spark starts everything going... as i always like to say, terence will nvr mate but the true is, i'd prob nvr either... i somehow always leave everything to hope so it's time i take more action. 4 now, prelims and o levels r more important (excuse... i really wouldn't mind sacrificing it at all, or anything for that matter if i can really find bliss and tranquility in my life) so i'd juz continue my slogging 4 now. until i can finally see the changes i've tried to induce into myself really happening, i'd still stay the same old me which won't go very far. maybe this is finally the crest (after a wrong prediction some time back) that starts everything going downhill again, but this may also be yet another step forward...
still, it may seem like only a while yet so long, but this is the thrid time happening and the first time i'm actually thinking seriously. the first one was really plainly a naive one, the second ended prematurely after weighing the options so i wonder how this'd turn out. will it be like what it've been all along or will it be the next chapter in my life... only time will tell, and let's juz take life one day at a time without thinking too far ahead
it appeared to be a normal day, but after sch, me, zhiliang, terence and hui shan went to look 4 mr choo to go through our physics papers... and that was one of the most enjoyable experiences i've had 4 some time... clearing doubts, arguing over questions and basically juz really learning new things is juz so fun... it's been so long since i marvelled at the joy of learning, so hope 4 more sessions like that...
and after that day, surprise, surprise, i was actually in high spirits 4 the entire day, not mr boring, pessimistic or dreadful kelvin soh which used to be the norm... everything seemed so fun, everything seemed to be looking so bright and everything, life actually seemed to have meaning 4 once... it was very late when i went to the library to study a bit more on ss and i only finished dinner at 9+, didn't even turn on the computer as i juz watched some olympics and went to sleep but my, was that day meaningful
after that day, it seemed like my whole week has been completely lifted and tuesday went on actually feeling pretty gd. that's juz not me, but it's a change of perspective 4 once... soon, i got more and more dreamy and enveloped in my dreams (figuratively, that is) that something really, really wonderful and magnificent happened... weird, but ultimately astonishing thing....
it was the dream (literally this time round) yesterday... think i'd always remember this dream 4 a long time... the first time i actually liked a dream and i dare say that dream left me with the best feeling i've ever felt... since it has to do with that sensitive topic i've always tried to avoid, i'd juz scan through the happenings... ok, so juz suddenly the dream started... i was entering a room or something like that and there, i saw a scene... pple down there, seemingly crowded togethter celebrating a birthday party... and there she was, sitting in the centre with the place opposite her empty. and somehow it seemed like i was the 'important guest' and well, things juz happened (nth dirty!) it's all so illogical and such, but my, that feeling felt so real... that feeling of being understood and the world juz rotating around the two of you.... the feeling that everything is working out... i'm floating...
looks like i've kinda revealed too much bout the dream... but anyway, that's the first time i've every dreamt of something of that sort. this's the first, and most memorable dream of its kind... it all seemed so warm, so nice that the nice feeling actually rolled over to the morning when i woke up. actually remembered everything and that feeling was pure joy at its best... it's bliss, the first time i've ever felt it... this is the exact feeling i've been yearning 4 and hope i can die with... a slight smile on my face, satisfied with what i have, in pure, eternal bliss...
it's all fake and everything, but really, i can't comment how wonderful that feeling of being accepted was... it's obvious from the dream that it was a combination of things i know (those birthday party pics obviously gave the setting) but with the twist to change everything to suit what i hope and think bout... maybe this's the assertion of my feelings...
juz too bad it's back to reality and though i'm still in relatively gd mood (that's 3 days in a row... a new whole record!), reality is starting to set it. as happy and blissful as i felt in that dream, i would never materialize if i dun do anything, and it doesn't seem like it's going to change. i'm juz too afraid of failure and need a hint too obvious be4 i'd take action.
of course, there r the excuses and reasons i can give... we've only bout 2/3 more months together in zh and chances r i'd not be going to a jc with many zhonghuarians in them. chances r, things won't work out so y should i strain a ok relationship by trying to be too much. at least i can talk to her now if there's the need, so shouldn't i be happy with that? really, i tell myself, if she's in the same jc as i come nxt yr, i'm gonna confess no matter what. actually i may actually do it this yr, but as i say, scaredy li'l me juz need that too obvious hint and i dun think she even knows anything bout it much less drop hints or sth.
so here i m, back to the square one. looks like i've revealed a li'l too much, but frankly who'd bother to read this (and until i decide to link my blog to some1's elses prob no one knows of its existence). but nowadays the dreamy me (i'm a libra after all, and 4 all my pessimism i'm a damn romantic) keeps envisioning things... sure, it's a gd way to distract myself and keep my mind working when i have nth better to do but the more i see those pple having so much fun together i yearn for my own...
izit true love i dun know (and it's prob not) but ultimately, how many pple actually find that... imo wat matters more is juz that two pple click well enuf and there u go, the spark starts everything going... as i always like to say, terence will nvr mate but the true is, i'd prob nvr either... i somehow always leave everything to hope so it's time i take more action. 4 now, prelims and o levels r more important (excuse... i really wouldn't mind sacrificing it at all, or anything for that matter if i can really find bliss and tranquility in my life) so i'd juz continue my slogging 4 now. until i can finally see the changes i've tried to induce into myself really happening, i'd still stay the same old me which won't go very far. maybe this is finally the crest (after a wrong prediction some time back) that starts everything going downhill again, but this may also be yet another step forward...
still, it may seem like only a while yet so long, but this is the thrid time happening and the first time i'm actually thinking seriously. the first one was really plainly a naive one, the second ended prematurely after weighing the options so i wonder how this'd turn out. will it be like what it've been all along or will it be the next chapter in my life... only time will tell, and let's juz take life one day at a time without thinking too far ahead
