Saturday, August 21, 2004
Down the drain it goes...
self doubt... that's what haunting me... as if yesterday wasn't enuf, another blow dealt today. actually, the fall continued after blogging yesterday as i continued thinking, and remembered the one incident in kindergarden... well, that happened during lesson when one 'fren' of mine was playing around and using his pencil motioning a poking action at me. so, being a kid , i mimicked him and accidentally poked him in the eye. he cried, and the teachers soon came, seemingly blaming me. and it was then, spoiled ol' me threw a tantrum and refused to apologise and i was punished by having to stand at one side of the class during lessons...
till now, so many yrs down the road, i still have no regrets over what i did. i do admit that i should not have done that, but i dun think i m in any way wrong 4 what i did... he did something, and i followed suit with no ill intention and juz cos i wasn't too careful (u expect a kindergarden kid to be careful?) i was made to look like the accused... juz cos some1 did something first and cried i had to bare the blame... maybe i should have juz cried when he first did it and he'd be punished?
end of story, and i think it juz shows that i hate to be wrongly accused or get blamed incorrectly... i stand by what i think is right, and i have no intention to change that.
anyway, back to today. as usual, it's early in the morning and mr yeo was late as usual and with the earling morning blues (as usual again) i went on my routine pacing around juz letting my mind wonder. it's juz my way of relaxing, but turns out that pple actually think it is like 'action' and proud... really like to thank ash on being frank there, and also with what he seemed to have heard bout my bball... so it seems like i'm seen as not what i really mean...
nth to get angry bout, but it really set me off thinking... this has always been my way of doing things, my way of handling things, and it seem like i may actually go down being seen as proud or arrogant... i've been doing these since as far as i can remember, so muz i change my whole way of life? muz i change the essence of what had been kelvin soh? also, bout the bball thing, if that is really true (and it should have some degree of it cos it seemed like he got some inside sources) i really have to wonder y the coach wasn't more frank with me... juz tell me and i'd try to change, so dun leave me disenchanted and disillusioned as i have been... (i still think highly of him, but...)
so, it was depression in the afternoon, and i can't really describe it. it was like you'd lost all your confidence and pride in yourself. it's like you feel u r a gd 4 nth... basically, it kinda feels like you have lost everything that mattered in ur life and u're left with nth. my personal opinion of what drives life is juz that sheer hope we cling onto... and when we lose that last hope, the life is gone. some go into religion to provide that hope, some commit suicide when they lose it, while me? i can say i'm really depressed, but i dun think i'd be anywhere close to committing suicide cos i juz dun dare to put myself to do it. go to sleep wishing i'd nvr wake up, yes, but kill myself through those painful ways is definitely a no-no... i have no fren that is really close that i can willingly confide my troubles to... i wanted to cry, but can't bring myself to do so... so in the end, it's juz me, trodding on with life and living juz cos i'm not dying...
but juz in case u think i m really depressed and i need some counselling, at least i'm feelin a li'l better now compared with the afternoon after trying to sleep it off. deep down i'm still unsure of what to do, unsure of my own abilities but at least i dun feel so down anymore... at least i can hope again, hope that something gd might juz happen someday... hope...
till now, so many yrs down the road, i still have no regrets over what i did. i do admit that i should not have done that, but i dun think i m in any way wrong 4 what i did... he did something, and i followed suit with no ill intention and juz cos i wasn't too careful (u expect a kindergarden kid to be careful?) i was made to look like the accused... juz cos some1 did something first and cried i had to bare the blame... maybe i should have juz cried when he first did it and he'd be punished?
end of story, and i think it juz shows that i hate to be wrongly accused or get blamed incorrectly... i stand by what i think is right, and i have no intention to change that.
anyway, back to today. as usual, it's early in the morning and mr yeo was late as usual and with the earling morning blues (as usual again) i went on my routine pacing around juz letting my mind wonder. it's juz my way of relaxing, but turns out that pple actually think it is like 'action' and proud... really like to thank ash on being frank there, and also with what he seemed to have heard bout my bball... so it seems like i'm seen as not what i really mean...
nth to get angry bout, but it really set me off thinking... this has always been my way of doing things, my way of handling things, and it seem like i may actually go down being seen as proud or arrogant... i've been doing these since as far as i can remember, so muz i change my whole way of life? muz i change the essence of what had been kelvin soh? also, bout the bball thing, if that is really true (and it should have some degree of it cos it seemed like he got some inside sources) i really have to wonder y the coach wasn't more frank with me... juz tell me and i'd try to change, so dun leave me disenchanted and disillusioned as i have been... (i still think highly of him, but...)
so, it was depression in the afternoon, and i can't really describe it. it was like you'd lost all your confidence and pride in yourself. it's like you feel u r a gd 4 nth... basically, it kinda feels like you have lost everything that mattered in ur life and u're left with nth. my personal opinion of what drives life is juz that sheer hope we cling onto... and when we lose that last hope, the life is gone. some go into religion to provide that hope, some commit suicide when they lose it, while me? i can say i'm really depressed, but i dun think i'd be anywhere close to committing suicide cos i juz dun dare to put myself to do it. go to sleep wishing i'd nvr wake up, yes, but kill myself through those painful ways is definitely a no-no... i have no fren that is really close that i can willingly confide my troubles to... i wanted to cry, but can't bring myself to do so... so in the end, it's juz me, trodding on with life and living juz cos i'm not dying...
but juz in case u think i m really depressed and i need some counselling, at least i'm feelin a li'l better now compared with the afternoon after trying to sleep it off. deep down i'm still unsure of what to do, unsure of my own abilities but at least i dun feel so down anymore... at least i can hope again, hope that something gd might juz happen someday... hope...
