Saturday, April 30, 2005
Numb
Been thinking a li'l too much nowadays... at least when all the other mindless stuff isn't pressing down on me. thankfully they do most of the time...
a few heartwarming things happened this week... going back zhss was nice, seeing some pple again. conversation with a few pple made me realise that we are moving on our own directions with different priorities, but tt's alrite... tt's the way things go anyway i've come to realise. the thing is we're still in contact and we share the bond... some tried to initiate conversation and it was really warm to see that but i kinda hate myself for being unable to keep it going... it's like i just have to talk in such a way that there's not much room for reply and the conversation just fizzles out. i've always admired good conversationalist. there seem to sure have it easy. but looking on the bright side, it was still nice hearing from others and at least talking for that li'l while.
then just received a msg from jun liang. thanks lots ^^! really brightened up day. haha, sure, it's the end of the month and it's the free messages that are still unused (don't i always nitpick at other pple... i'm just not happy not finding faults haha, though i just overlook them most of the time ;P ^^) but really nice. haven't been in contact since 3 weeks ago i think. guess we're all busy with stuff and such. no time even for weekly basketball. but sometimes this makes moments like this more special doesn't it, though i'd still very much prefer we can still see each other more often. sentimental urge all of a sudden haha. wishing all my friends and acquaintances here all the best in whatever they're doing! speaking of which, i think i'd have tonnes of unused messages come 10 days time... maybe i'd do just that then. hopefully can remember haha. and maybe i'd just make someone's day
a few heartwarming things happened this week... going back zhss was nice, seeing some pple again. conversation with a few pple made me realise that we are moving on our own directions with different priorities, but tt's alrite... tt's the way things go anyway i've come to realise. the thing is we're still in contact and we share the bond... some tried to initiate conversation and it was really warm to see that but i kinda hate myself for being unable to keep it going... it's like i just have to talk in such a way that there's not much room for reply and the conversation just fizzles out. i've always admired good conversationalist. there seem to sure have it easy. but looking on the bright side, it was still nice hearing from others and at least talking for that li'l while.
then just received a msg from jun liang. thanks lots ^^! really brightened up day. haha, sure, it's the end of the month and it's the free messages that are still unused (don't i always nitpick at other pple... i'm just not happy not finding faults haha, though i just overlook them most of the time ;P ^^) but really nice. haven't been in contact since 3 weeks ago i think. guess we're all busy with stuff and such. no time even for weekly basketball. but sometimes this makes moments like this more special doesn't it, though i'd still very much prefer we can still see each other more often. sentimental urge all of a sudden haha. wishing all my friends and acquaintances here all the best in whatever they're doing! speaking of which, i think i'd have tonnes of unused messages come 10 days time... maybe i'd do just that then. hopefully can remember haha. and maybe i'd just make someone's day
Thursday, April 28, 2005
...
I shouldn't be here... PI draft 3 due tml. But having to type out 500 totally new words after my previous idea was rejected isn't very tempting... and it's 10.46 already... so tired even though slacked today away without doing anything, which has been the case from tues. and wanna sleep early today so that can get to sch early tml to rush finish the physics tutorial which is also due tml. i don't want to get my first triangle haha. qigong dashi's just full of those stupid ideas... hope charlotte chua will accept a third consecutive PI which is late by a day... i hate pw... but then again, who doesn't
let's see. monday was a really stressful day. 2 tests, of which physics covered all chapters from first intake and i only started studying at bout 11pm on sun. fell asleep bout an hour into it. the next day was doing so many things at one time. during lectures i was studying for the tests, trying to listen and copy down notes all at the same time. and after the tests, which were pretty challenging and thus, stress-inducing made the bad decision to study... first tried to sort out my stacks of paper, and my do i hate doing that, then later got stuck sketching graphs... i hope shiu hei, aaron and zhen hao weren't too irritated by my constant rants then.
anyway i think i'm digressing too much into recounting.. i've forgotten what i really wanted to blog bout coming in here... hmm... sigh, gp teacher leaving (think she's the one vanda calls mrs claus on her blog haha. such a cute name! ^^. and how apt lol). i'm guilty of always feeling so sleepy in her class (ok, so i'm almost always sleepy in every lesson, but even more so in hers) and fell asleep so many times, only to get lucky and have her catch others and not me... i didn't do my first assignment, must have been bad impression. and i find her lessons kinda boring at times bar the interesting stuff she tells us sometimes. but i feel that i can really do well in gp under her. she's the hod after all, and i think the way she's teaching suits me in a sense... oh well, hope she does well in her new challenge. and hope the new teacher is really as good as she made it out to be.
then another parting... the lady at the cafe in amk library told us that paul found a better job elsewhere and left. just when i thought i've finally made friends with another cafe staff. the last time he even specially gave me an extra big scoop of ice cream for the brownie haha. and all the li'l conversations. think we're his first regulars lor... and he was getting used to our regular orders already lol. latte. brownie with ice cream once a week. wedges after the coffee is over... oh well. wish him well too
oh yeah, now i remember what i wanted to blog bout mainly... sth bout how i find we act. but oh well, guess i'd leave it to next time. i need more sleep...........
let's see. monday was a really stressful day. 2 tests, of which physics covered all chapters from first intake and i only started studying at bout 11pm on sun. fell asleep bout an hour into it. the next day was doing so many things at one time. during lectures i was studying for the tests, trying to listen and copy down notes all at the same time. and after the tests, which were pretty challenging and thus, stress-inducing made the bad decision to study... first tried to sort out my stacks of paper, and my do i hate doing that, then later got stuck sketching graphs... i hope shiu hei, aaron and zhen hao weren't too irritated by my constant rants then.
anyway i think i'm digressing too much into recounting.. i've forgotten what i really wanted to blog bout coming in here... hmm... sigh, gp teacher leaving (think she's the one vanda calls mrs claus on her blog haha. such a cute name! ^^. and how apt lol). i'm guilty of always feeling so sleepy in her class (ok, so i'm almost always sleepy in every lesson, but even more so in hers) and fell asleep so many times, only to get lucky and have her catch others and not me... i didn't do my first assignment, must have been bad impression. and i find her lessons kinda boring at times bar the interesting stuff she tells us sometimes. but i feel that i can really do well in gp under her. she's the hod after all, and i think the way she's teaching suits me in a sense... oh well, hope she does well in her new challenge. and hope the new teacher is really as good as she made it out to be.
then another parting... the lady at the cafe in amk library told us that paul found a better job elsewhere and left. just when i thought i've finally made friends with another cafe staff. the last time he even specially gave me an extra big scoop of ice cream for the brownie haha. and all the li'l conversations. think we're his first regulars lor... and he was getting used to our regular orders already lol. latte. brownie with ice cream once a week. wedges after the coffee is over... oh well. wish him well too
oh yeah, now i remember what i wanted to blog bout mainly... sth bout how i find we act. but oh well, guess i'd leave it to next time. i need more sleep...........
Sunday, April 24, 2005
Rants, laments and more rants
Argh... my dear ol' pc down with virus... the kelvir.ah worm tt'd been circulating around msn for some time. new variant, so no fix yet... grr... so now i'm stuck without msn til fix comes out. i never really chat much anyway, but don't really feel right without it. hope i didn't infect those pple whom the virus sent the messages to...
was quite angry this evening when first found out bout it. felt like just lashing out at my sis. tt makes it the 3rd/4th time? and just right after i cleared a trojan horse yesterday... i understand with spyware and adware, but really contracting most viruses is just stupid. use a li'l common sense, be careful of the links u click/sites u visit or stuff you download, ensuring that the names at least look half decent and u'd probably go through a few years without getting one... but guess it's exactly tt lack of it tt companies like symantec and mcafee actually operate... i still don't believe in shelling out money when u can save all tt trouble and the memory anti-virus programs gobble up by practising a li'l diligence while surfing, but i'm tired of wasting all this time cleaning up someone else's mess...
i was like having the day planned, k, i am gonna go for 2 hours of gaming and then sit down and study for tml's test and maybe complete some tutorials due and newspaper article (which reminds me i've not done any of them... crap... just what am i doing here...), then find out bout it and tried to fix it to no avail. frustration was bottling up, just kept hurling vulgarities at no one in particular while waiting for the snail-pace scanning of the pc with this program and that program, then searching the web around to find other possible solutions... so far all i've found are the older ones (and they're only just 4 days old... means my dear pc's one of the first to catch this variant... bah) so stuck without it. decided to nap after that to cool off a bit, gamed for a while just now and here i am with nothing done. the frustration's kinda like when my graphic card was giving me problems but worse cos it seems like there's more on my part which i can do and i could so easily lay the blame on someone...
i hate it when i can't control my emotions... just like yesterday morning when i slipped into wallowing in self doubt and self pity, just wanting to shake my head and sigh the day away. come on, mr kelvin soh... this's not the way to be done! a new week, so new start? but i don't wanna face the reality of all that i've not done. every new week means more stuff tt'd been pushed back. i've only been doing the bare necessities these days, doing things at the very last minute and even sometimes not completing certain stuff. hoping the term will end soon then really start on a new page next term hopefully, though the common tests don't really seem like sth to look forward to either...
friday was pretty nice... after sch tried to figure out the maths problem for maths week to earn a graphical calculator but well, couldn't. but always like thinking of these weird problems though it meant i was too tired at the end of it to do anything else. then went grassroots for our usual slacking. terence tagged along the group, which was nice... kinda sad to hear bout his table tennis stuff, i understand how he's feeling haha.
so we invented 3 player pool... now we have rules for 5 player one too lol. then bowled. so happy, broke my personal best ^^. 177! then had a 120+ which means average of 150+! yay! makes me wanna bowl regularly again. i really should get a pair of shoes. or maybe even a ball haha if i can keep it up. but next week's itinery gonna be movie, at least if i can convince them
later had dinner together without zhenhao who had a ride home. nice, but made me think bout being more sensitive bout conversational topics next time too. on way home realised i left my ezlink card with the people at grassroots. ran back, phew, still there. wanna thank shiu hei for staying with me through tt. and even wasted the money for one trip. k, enough rants for today
was quite angry this evening when first found out bout it. felt like just lashing out at my sis. tt makes it the 3rd/4th time? and just right after i cleared a trojan horse yesterday... i understand with spyware and adware, but really contracting most viruses is just stupid. use a li'l common sense, be careful of the links u click/sites u visit or stuff you download, ensuring that the names at least look half decent and u'd probably go through a few years without getting one... but guess it's exactly tt lack of it tt companies like symantec and mcafee actually operate... i still don't believe in shelling out money when u can save all tt trouble and the memory anti-virus programs gobble up by practising a li'l diligence while surfing, but i'm tired of wasting all this time cleaning up someone else's mess...
i was like having the day planned, k, i am gonna go for 2 hours of gaming and then sit down and study for tml's test and maybe complete some tutorials due and newspaper article (which reminds me i've not done any of them... crap... just what am i doing here...), then find out bout it and tried to fix it to no avail. frustration was bottling up, just kept hurling vulgarities at no one in particular while waiting for the snail-pace scanning of the pc with this program and that program, then searching the web around to find other possible solutions... so far all i've found are the older ones (and they're only just 4 days old... means my dear pc's one of the first to catch this variant... bah) so stuck without it. decided to nap after that to cool off a bit, gamed for a while just now and here i am with nothing done. the frustration's kinda like when my graphic card was giving me problems but worse cos it seems like there's more on my part which i can do and i could so easily lay the blame on someone...
i hate it when i can't control my emotions... just like yesterday morning when i slipped into wallowing in self doubt and self pity, just wanting to shake my head and sigh the day away. come on, mr kelvin soh... this's not the way to be done! a new week, so new start? but i don't wanna face the reality of all that i've not done. every new week means more stuff tt'd been pushed back. i've only been doing the bare necessities these days, doing things at the very last minute and even sometimes not completing certain stuff. hoping the term will end soon then really start on a new page next term hopefully, though the common tests don't really seem like sth to look forward to either...
friday was pretty nice... after sch tried to figure out the maths problem for maths week to earn a graphical calculator but well, couldn't. but always like thinking of these weird problems though it meant i was too tired at the end of it to do anything else. then went grassroots for our usual slacking. terence tagged along the group, which was nice... kinda sad to hear bout his table tennis stuff, i understand how he's feeling haha.
so we invented 3 player pool... now we have rules for 5 player one too lol. then bowled. so happy, broke my personal best ^^. 177! then had a 120+ which means average of 150+! yay! makes me wanna bowl regularly again. i really should get a pair of shoes. or maybe even a ball haha if i can keep it up. but next week's itinery gonna be movie, at least if i can convince them
later had dinner together without zhenhao who had a ride home. nice, but made me think bout being more sensitive bout conversational topics next time too. on way home realised i left my ezlink card with the people at grassroots. ran back, phew, still there. wanna thank shiu hei for staying with me through tt. and even wasted the money for one trip. k, enough rants for today
Thursday, April 21, 2005
Uneventful days
So the days just go by... nothing much really happen. and all the mindless trudging means not much time to think too, though that isn't necessarily a bad thing. but tt takes out most of the things i blog bout. guess i won't be updating too often...
wednesday had first aid. kinda fun haha. learnt how to do cpr and tie bandages though i seriously doubt i can do them effectively. but still, quite informative. exco selection starts next week... hope it'd go well.
then today was selected to attend a talk by the south african president at shangrila. wow, first thing after alighted from the bus i saw a real ferrari for the first time in my life... wow... then next to it immediately recognised a lotus. again another first. finally saw a bentley later... gosh...
actually was actually looking to learning sth from the talk (in addition to being able to pon lessons lah). but was really tired then. and he had to talk like a boring lecturer about issues i don't really understand. so after bout 5min of his speech i prompty fell asleep and never really woke up until it ended. could feel the flashlights from the press taking photos but too tired to even open my eyes. hope won't see myself in papers/news programme dozing away haha. saw goh chok tong too lol. my, he's really tall.
shangri-la's nice... lobby's just so big... first time inside really though passed through a few times. knew it was posh but never knew so posh... but the staff uniforms just look horrible haha. oh well, i digress. ballroom's pretty hot too.
chatted with eric online just now. great to hear from him! haven't done so since that day at the airport even though have been seeing him online for the past few days. but just wonderful to catch up and talk though it'd just be so much nicer if it could have been in person. oh well. til next time
wednesday had first aid. kinda fun haha. learnt how to do cpr and tie bandages though i seriously doubt i can do them effectively. but still, quite informative. exco selection starts next week... hope it'd go well.
then today was selected to attend a talk by the south african president at shangrila. wow, first thing after alighted from the bus i saw a real ferrari for the first time in my life... wow... then next to it immediately recognised a lotus. again another first. finally saw a bentley later... gosh...
actually was actually looking to learning sth from the talk (in addition to being able to pon lessons lah). but was really tired then. and he had to talk like a boring lecturer about issues i don't really understand. so after bout 5min of his speech i prompty fell asleep and never really woke up until it ended. could feel the flashlights from the press taking photos but too tired to even open my eyes. hope won't see myself in papers/news programme dozing away haha. saw goh chok tong too lol. my, he's really tall.
shangri-la's nice... lobby's just so big... first time inside really though passed through a few times. knew it was posh but never knew so posh... but the staff uniforms just look horrible haha. oh well, i digress. ballroom's pretty hot too.
chatted with eric online just now. great to hear from him! haven't done so since that day at the airport even though have been seeing him online for the past few days. but just wonderful to catch up and talk though it'd just be so much nicer if it could have been in person. oh well. til next time
Sunday, April 17, 2005
Day out with friends
So i managed to get things planned, which was really nice. And all 5 of them actually gave a yes, which was even nicer... still can't help but think of eric, but no point... in the end, aaron was still at beach road when we met, asked him to call us when he reached amk but no news and he didn't turn up. junio and patrick joined us... so we played dota, for so long til 8+ then went sumo house for dinner. junio had to go early. 5 of us again (5's just such a magical number for our group...) later everyone had left sumo house so we went off to mac to continue our conversation until bout 11 when ash had to leave so we all went home...
i don't really know how to explain it, but being with good friends is really a magical thing. i was just musing to myself how we can just meet up at the mrt station and just talked like it's just right after the last time we met. and being with friends just makes me able to forget whatever i'm thinking before. hanging out with my class these days is fun but still, sometimes my mind goes out wandering. not with our group here
main topic today was all about lymon and his wonderful time at sr... we all wanted to kill him at mac haha. happy for him but hate him for reminding me what i don't have. loads of laughs in between, jibes too, all for a nice time. really i don't wanna lose contact. when we were saying our goodbyes ash said 'c'ya soon' and somehow it kinda hit me. yeah, i truly, sincerely want to meet them soon. but seems like nothing will happen unless i go get another plan around. but i'm kinda afraid tt there's only so much dota we can play. and even if we switch to sth mainstream too, so much movies we can watch. i never like to repeat what i do twice... it's like i don't want to be the culprit for making things boring and routine. but when i think along those lines i just don't think of anything at all and before we know it, we're going on with our own lives...
during the trip back i felt kinda empty. i really hope it's just the pain of parting or just plain envious of lymon. couldn't finish a song at all on the ipod cos they all seem so not right... come to think of it, there was a time where i was fine being a loner... in fact, there are times i just enjoy being alone... but guess it was a one-way trip when i started opening up? i've been denying myself thinking time quite well these days... the trip to sch i'd be shrouded in the blues and fatigue to notice anything. at school there'd be my class. after school will almost always be with shiu hei, zhen hao and aaron. going home with zhen hao and shiu hei. and after 10min walk from the mrt station i'm back with my pc and bed... maybe tt's good in a sense
i shouldn't be feeling this way... melancholy? i used to promise myself to look back at memories with a smile, and i think i still do. sometimes during travelling i'd just think of a sweet memory and think how nice those days were. but i don't let them affect how i view the present. hope i haven't strayed from tt. nvm, things will probably go back to that mindless churning tml once sch starts. still so much work undone but oh well, let's just take things one step at a time
hugged pooky to sleep last night, and the 4th dream i can remember this time since a time. it's like i only dream when i hug him haha. seems like some kind of symbol lor...
i'm wishing for time to slow down, but yet hoping slightly less than 2 months will just pass by like that...
i don't really know how to explain it, but being with good friends is really a magical thing. i was just musing to myself how we can just meet up at the mrt station and just talked like it's just right after the last time we met. and being with friends just makes me able to forget whatever i'm thinking before. hanging out with my class these days is fun but still, sometimes my mind goes out wandering. not with our group here
main topic today was all about lymon and his wonderful time at sr... we all wanted to kill him at mac haha. happy for him but hate him for reminding me what i don't have. loads of laughs in between, jibes too, all for a nice time. really i don't wanna lose contact. when we were saying our goodbyes ash said 'c'ya soon' and somehow it kinda hit me. yeah, i truly, sincerely want to meet them soon. but seems like nothing will happen unless i go get another plan around. but i'm kinda afraid tt there's only so much dota we can play. and even if we switch to sth mainstream too, so much movies we can watch. i never like to repeat what i do twice... it's like i don't want to be the culprit for making things boring and routine. but when i think along those lines i just don't think of anything at all and before we know it, we're going on with our own lives...
during the trip back i felt kinda empty. i really hope it's just the pain of parting or just plain envious of lymon. couldn't finish a song at all on the ipod cos they all seem so not right... come to think of it, there was a time where i was fine being a loner... in fact, there are times i just enjoy being alone... but guess it was a one-way trip when i started opening up? i've been denying myself thinking time quite well these days... the trip to sch i'd be shrouded in the blues and fatigue to notice anything. at school there'd be my class. after school will almost always be with shiu hei, zhen hao and aaron. going home with zhen hao and shiu hei. and after 10min walk from the mrt station i'm back with my pc and bed... maybe tt's good in a sense
i shouldn't be feeling this way... melancholy? i used to promise myself to look back at memories with a smile, and i think i still do. sometimes during travelling i'd just think of a sweet memory and think how nice those days were. but i don't let them affect how i view the present. hope i haven't strayed from tt. nvm, things will probably go back to that mindless churning tml once sch starts. still so much work undone but oh well, let's just take things one step at a time
hugged pooky to sleep last night, and the 4th dream i can remember this time since a time. it's like i only dream when i hug him haha. seems like some kind of symbol lor...
i'm wishing for time to slow down, but yet hoping slightly less than 2 months will just pass by like that...
Wednesday, April 13, 2005
Trudging on... (Untitled)
Life's just moving on nowadays... slowly i'm trudging on, day by day... as huang lao shi told me, it won't be easy but it'd be over in a flash... so things starting to fall into some kind of routine now... think i'm adapting pretty well to my class, which is nice. spending some time with them while not forgetting the old ones (at least the few of us who still hang out quite often together)... trying to organise some sort of gathering for my li'l group and catch up with those in other jcs while relaxing a day away this weekend. hope it can work out and turn out well
sch is just sch i guess. half the time i'd be dozing off with this fatigue i just can't shake off, and half of the remaining half i'd be trying to rush tutorials in class to finish off those questions already due. so at least i'm spending at least a quarter of my time really learning or interacting with the class. some days i feel more energetic and actually pass through the day alrite, some days get kinda moody and swing between interacting and just stoning away, some days just move along the lessons as it is. guess it all evens out lah
finding that fine line between what i hope, what i want, what is imminent and what is realistic is really tough... i don't think i'd ever find it, but hopefully things wouldn't turn out so bad. then again how do i define what is bad... would something opposite of what i hoped for but was imminent and realistic be good or bad? what if what i hope for means that i won't get what i want? maybe all i need is time, put my mind off it for a while and *blink* i've unravelled the mystery of life, attained nirvana and nothing no longer matters... two months or less to get there? oh well, enough rhethorical stuff for now
Untitled/Simple Plan
-----------
I open my eyes
I try to see but I’m blinded by the white light
I can’t remember how
I can’t remember why
I’m lying here tonight
And I can’t stand the pain
And I can’t make it go away
No I can’t stand the pain
How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes
I’ve got no where to run
The night goes on
As I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me
Everybody’s screaming
I try to make a sound but no one hears me
I’m slipping off the edge
I’m hanging by a thread
I wanna start this over again
So I try to hold onto a time when nothing mattered
And I can’t explain what happened
And I can’t erase the things that I’ve done
No I can’t
How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes
I’ve got no where to run
The night goes on
As I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes
I’ve got no where to run
The night goes on
As I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me
sch is just sch i guess. half the time i'd be dozing off with this fatigue i just can't shake off, and half of the remaining half i'd be trying to rush tutorials in class to finish off those questions already due. so at least i'm spending at least a quarter of my time really learning or interacting with the class. some days i feel more energetic and actually pass through the day alrite, some days get kinda moody and swing between interacting and just stoning away, some days just move along the lessons as it is. guess it all evens out lah
finding that fine line between what i hope, what i want, what is imminent and what is realistic is really tough... i don't think i'd ever find it, but hopefully things wouldn't turn out so bad. then again how do i define what is bad... would something opposite of what i hoped for but was imminent and realistic be good or bad? what if what i hope for means that i won't get what i want? maybe all i need is time, put my mind off it for a while and *blink* i've unravelled the mystery of life, attained nirvana and nothing no longer matters... two months or less to get there? oh well, enough rhethorical stuff for now
Untitled/Simple Plan
-----------
I open my eyes
I try to see but I’m blinded by the white light
I can’t remember how
I can’t remember why
I’m lying here tonight
And I can’t stand the pain
And I can’t make it go away
No I can’t stand the pain
How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes
I’ve got no where to run
The night goes on
As I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me
Everybody’s screaming
I try to make a sound but no one hears me
I’m slipping off the edge
I’m hanging by a thread
I wanna start this over again
So I try to hold onto a time when nothing mattered
And I can’t explain what happened
And I can’t erase the things that I’ve done
No I can’t
How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes
I’ve got no where to run
The night goes on
As I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes
I’ve got no where to run
The night goes on
As I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me
Sunday, April 10, 2005
Musings...
Been thinking the past few days... Friday after sch had to go back zh to request for another copy of the cca report (bad me... think it was in the huge stacks of papers which i threw away during the holidays)... Aaron going back for sjab, zhenhao decided to tag along so i had to wait for two lessons before they are done.
during that hour and a half original plan was to go lib and do some work, but as usual i didn't feel like it. then checked the catalogue to see if they have the bio textbook i borrowed from the sch lib to continue my reading but it wasn't available (have i mentioned bout that? find it kinda weird i'm reading bio when i'm no longer taking it after almost giving up on it for the exams, but it's fun when u're just reading for general knowledge without the need to memorise all the names, processes and whatnot... bio rocks lol ^^)....
then suddenly thought bought reading up on dreams. but while checking the shelves, came across religion and somehow i was kinda compelled to check out the books. not that i'm gonna read up on any particular religion and actually take it up but i was interested to know, "why religion?"... religion has always baffled me, the reason why i'm a free thinker (next time i should use 'secular humanist' just to avoid that twinkle in the eye of the christian who is trying to convince me to go church when he/she hears that)... i believe that i should not believe in anything unless i'm really convinced it's true, and nothing has managed to do that so far... in fact, sometimes i look down on those who practice religion just cos of 'as is' when they actually ain't very convinced bout it. my greatgrandparents converted to christianity from buddhism because they dreamt during war time that jesus appeared in their dreams and told them the war will end the next day, and it happened, and i look up to these people who can really say they're convinced bout their religion, god exists etc and they can feel Him...
my parents are buddhists and i went to a church kindergarden but somehow i can't bring myself to relate to either religion... nvm, i digress, back to those books. so i was trying to see if the books can convince me to believe in religion or relate to atheism. turned out the books weren't really good, but there was one interesting point in one which made me think bout some other things
it was bout two experiments... first there was this boy with severe epilepsy (sp) and had to have the connecter between the left and right brain cut (forgot all the tecnical terms...), so both parts of the brain can't communicate. so they had this machine to show his right eye (left brain in charge of logic and speech) a picture of a chicken head and left eye (right brain) a picture of a house covered with snow. then they put a few cards and asked him to point to what he saw. his right hand pointed to a chicken claw and left a shovel, which seems logical. but then he was asked why he chose that. he said he chose the claw because there was a chicken (which is logical) and the shovel to clean the chicken shed (but there was no chicken shed shown!) without hesitation. the reasoning behind this was that his speech was controlled by his left brain which did not receive any information bout the house but instinctively he came up with a plausible explanation for his own actions of pointing to the shovel...
then the next experiment was on another woman with the same problem. this time a picture of a naked woman was shown to his left eye (right brain in charge of emotion). she was asked what she saw and the answer was nothing, confirming that the picture seen in the right brain was not transmitted to the left brain in charge of speech. but it was observed that the woman looked uncomfortable and blushed cos of embarrasment while being shown the picture because the right brain which controls emotions saw it and felt embarassed. however, when asked why she looked uncomfortable the woman said that the machine was weird...
this two experiments seem to show one thing, that it is human nature to find logical explanations for our own actions. i can see the link of that to religion but then i was thinking bout sth else already... sometimes i find myself leading a life of excuses (again i forgot whether i've blogged bout that before, but oh well)... sometimes i do something for a particular reason, but i'm not comfortable with that so i just come up with another very plausible and logical reason for my actions. it's like i do that at times even though no one ask me to explain anything and i'm just trying to affirm myself with an excuse to take the easy way out... so now i'm wondering whether i should embrace this human instinct to come out with reasons for things or just take things as they are cos in the end i'd probably be wasting my time making sth up... hmm, think i'm starting to lose track of my point here.... i've even forgotten what the main point i am talking about is... so guess i should just end off this part here...
so later looked up dreams but found nothing that i not already know. i've already thought of the normal lines, sth i've been thinking bout recently, sth i've been hoping for or dreading, sth i want/hate but don't really show it, etc but none seem to fit tt recent nightmare. oh well, think i'd go down to a bigger lib someday and read up more, but then again i don't have the time... argh....
during that hour and a half original plan was to go lib and do some work, but as usual i didn't feel like it. then checked the catalogue to see if they have the bio textbook i borrowed from the sch lib to continue my reading but it wasn't available (have i mentioned bout that? find it kinda weird i'm reading bio when i'm no longer taking it after almost giving up on it for the exams, but it's fun when u're just reading for general knowledge without the need to memorise all the names, processes and whatnot... bio rocks lol ^^)....
then suddenly thought bought reading up on dreams. but while checking the shelves, came across religion and somehow i was kinda compelled to check out the books. not that i'm gonna read up on any particular religion and actually take it up but i was interested to know, "why religion?"... religion has always baffled me, the reason why i'm a free thinker (next time i should use 'secular humanist' just to avoid that twinkle in the eye of the christian who is trying to convince me to go church when he/she hears that)... i believe that i should not believe in anything unless i'm really convinced it's true, and nothing has managed to do that so far... in fact, sometimes i look down on those who practice religion just cos of 'as is' when they actually ain't very convinced bout it. my greatgrandparents converted to christianity from buddhism because they dreamt during war time that jesus appeared in their dreams and told them the war will end the next day, and it happened, and i look up to these people who can really say they're convinced bout their religion, god exists etc and they can feel Him...
my parents are buddhists and i went to a church kindergarden but somehow i can't bring myself to relate to either religion... nvm, i digress, back to those books. so i was trying to see if the books can convince me to believe in religion or relate to atheism. turned out the books weren't really good, but there was one interesting point in one which made me think bout some other things
it was bout two experiments... first there was this boy with severe epilepsy (sp) and had to have the connecter between the left and right brain cut (forgot all the tecnical terms...), so both parts of the brain can't communicate. so they had this machine to show his right eye (left brain in charge of logic and speech) a picture of a chicken head and left eye (right brain) a picture of a house covered with snow. then they put a few cards and asked him to point to what he saw. his right hand pointed to a chicken claw and left a shovel, which seems logical. but then he was asked why he chose that. he said he chose the claw because there was a chicken (which is logical) and the shovel to clean the chicken shed (but there was no chicken shed shown!) without hesitation. the reasoning behind this was that his speech was controlled by his left brain which did not receive any information bout the house but instinctively he came up with a plausible explanation for his own actions of pointing to the shovel...
then the next experiment was on another woman with the same problem. this time a picture of a naked woman was shown to his left eye (right brain in charge of emotion). she was asked what she saw and the answer was nothing, confirming that the picture seen in the right brain was not transmitted to the left brain in charge of speech. but it was observed that the woman looked uncomfortable and blushed cos of embarrasment while being shown the picture because the right brain which controls emotions saw it and felt embarassed. however, when asked why she looked uncomfortable the woman said that the machine was weird...
this two experiments seem to show one thing, that it is human nature to find logical explanations for our own actions. i can see the link of that to religion but then i was thinking bout sth else already... sometimes i find myself leading a life of excuses (again i forgot whether i've blogged bout that before, but oh well)... sometimes i do something for a particular reason, but i'm not comfortable with that so i just come up with another very plausible and logical reason for my actions. it's like i do that at times even though no one ask me to explain anything and i'm just trying to affirm myself with an excuse to take the easy way out... so now i'm wondering whether i should embrace this human instinct to come out with reasons for things or just take things as they are cos in the end i'd probably be wasting my time making sth up... hmm, think i'm starting to lose track of my point here.... i've even forgotten what the main point i am talking about is... so guess i should just end off this part here...
so later looked up dreams but found nothing that i not already know. i've already thought of the normal lines, sth i've been thinking bout recently, sth i've been hoping for or dreading, sth i want/hate but don't really show it, etc but none seem to fit tt recent nightmare. oh well, think i'd go down to a bigger lib someday and read up more, but then again i don't have the time... argh....
Thursday, April 07, 2005
Balance
so far the class and teachers seem like a nice bunch of people ^^. optimistic... all those jokes and tt li'l snippet of being ostracised can just remain as a light hearted laugh over stuff. surprisingly i actually did not really think tt will really happen. maybe it's too impossible lol, but good... i'm getting more optimistic =).
wednesday went to slack with zhen hao and aaron. needed that after the frustration doing work the past few days. original plan was to play pool at snookerium but aaron forgot to bring a change of clothes (no surprise haha). oh yeah, had first aid before tt. it's the cca for me man lol. 30min meeting and we're done, and more than half of it was the year 2s trying to coordinate us when we're doing nth. all the year 2s were exco members but this year we have like 20+ pple joining with 11 zh slackers lol.
had quite a tough time deciding what to do. in the end, after much non-decision finally decided to flip a coin, which decided we went grassroots for bowling. but acsi holding training and the open lanes taken. the mini-arcade with a few machines here and there were not really guarded and pple in sch u just played. so we did that. 40 cents credits only ^^. later had a game of pool too. 3 pple, so we played our own way with 5 balls for each person lol. as expected i came in last but quite pleased with the few i netted. nice angles, creative use of free ball and a left handed shot ^^. but as usual missed those sitters... there was a typing game in the arcades too! liked it. but it cheated me after some time and only allowed japanese input when there were english one at the start. lol, i must sound so stupid, playing a typing game. but i love those sillly games haha
today was back to some work, though not much. bought a really big file, time to start filing stuff up again. and this time i knew my reinforcement rings are never gonna survive in my bag so bought a box of paper clips to use the plastic box haha. the things i do...
wednesday went to slack with zhen hao and aaron. needed that after the frustration doing work the past few days. original plan was to play pool at snookerium but aaron forgot to bring a change of clothes (no surprise haha). oh yeah, had first aid before tt. it's the cca for me man lol. 30min meeting and we're done, and more than half of it was the year 2s trying to coordinate us when we're doing nth. all the year 2s were exco members but this year we have like 20+ pple joining with 11 zh slackers lol.
had quite a tough time deciding what to do. in the end, after much non-decision finally decided to flip a coin, which decided we went grassroots for bowling. but acsi holding training and the open lanes taken. the mini-arcade with a few machines here and there were not really guarded and pple in sch u just played. so we did that. 40 cents credits only ^^. later had a game of pool too. 3 pple, so we played our own way with 5 balls for each person lol. as expected i came in last but quite pleased with the few i netted. nice angles, creative use of free ball and a left handed shot ^^. but as usual missed those sitters... there was a typing game in the arcades too! liked it. but it cheated me after some time and only allowed japanese input when there were english one at the start. lol, i must sound so stupid, playing a typing game. but i love those sillly games haha
today was back to some work, though not much. bought a really big file, time to start filing stuff up again. and this time i knew my reinforcement rings are never gonna survive in my bag so bought a box of paper clips to use the plastic box haha. the things i do...
Tuesday, April 05, 2005
Befuddled
Don't you just hate it when you just think and think and think bout certain things and can never seem to figure them out? And isn't it even worse when there's no one around who can give you the answer. what if you know you just cannot get the it but still really want to know it...
i think i really need to give myself a break during these times lah. somehow i must learn to douse this desire to know when needed. at one point in time there was this apathetic guy who don't care, but tt guy had gone mia for some time already. at least i guess it's good in a certain sense. sometimes it just takes tt li'l extra bit of determination to figuring things out. but there are times where i should just know myself, not stress out and throw in the towel i guess. i used to go on 'walks' midway through studying just to relax, just wandering aimlessly around outside the lib/mac i happen to be studying in, looking out, letting my mind wander and just not think bout anything, letting the whole word pass by myself. think i should start dong tt i guess
in a sense tt's why i like to gaze at the sky/clouds/stars/moon/sea/scenery sometimes. basically just looking past everything into the distance. just feel like nothing will bother you during these times and i can just think bout whatever i want. but tt's also why i sometimes think too much, a problem i'm aware of but can't seem to change much. i think i must have thought of countless conspiracy theories before. like something like will happen to my life. and i do tt even without watching much television/shows on them if any. sometimes i'd think of the most impossible yet plausible situation happening... not exactly good as it'd just lead to worries at times. at least i think i'm starting to do tt less. thinking... what a weird thing...
ok, enough of my philosophy of the day... tutorials starting tml, hope things will go well with my class. today things have been going kinda good. sat with my class for a few lectures. was like alternating between a social mood talking and mingling with others and being anti-social suddenly feel like just keeping mum... but first steps i guess with the class. hopefully tml can be in totally social mood and interact more. so far it seems like a pretty good class... let's see how things go. and today's 'maiden sentence' was 'you're the one from zhonghua right?', a quantum upgrade from the old hot no.1 favourite pick-up line on yours truly of 'are you from 04?/you from 04 meh?'. ok, spewing crap's a good sign. crap seems to be appreciated in social interactions ^^
st tj i've had the immense luck to be under 2 great tutors (mr ngoh-fm, mrs foo-chem), a rather good one (mrs lim-fm), a decent one (ms panai-gp)... i'd really like to thank them here sincerely for the 3 months though i've ponned so many lessons. learn't a lot from them. (ok, so maybe i shoud thank the horrible phy tutor mr neo and reminds-me-of-milder-version-of-zhang ??? lao shi too lah...)
don't think the tutors at aj can match up to mr ngoh and mrs foo but hope they'd be good. fm tutors already look pretty good, chinese cum form tutor seem quite 'kind' (her qiao she gets on my nerve sometimes though, but what can u do when a teacher seems to be smiling most of the time kinda joking bout being strict). hope the others can be at least decent.
and since tml is like considered the first official day with my new class to me, like to just type out my appreciation to the friends i've made at tj. kinda tried to rein myself in from making too close bonds when i decided i was leaving early on but still, friends will still be friends. in particular yi chao for the really nice conversations and sharing, darryl for being like sort of a leader for the guys in the cg and rui teck for the really funny moments during orientation... really so sad he turned out to be in the other cg... matthew for being a great ogl. cg 21, og9 kaku (hey, i haven't got the tshirt i paid money for lol. but guess is my fault for ponning so much)... scg 01... wai xing, eng shaw, jeffrey, wendy, grace, hui yan, pei fen, lay sian, guan wei, chai luan, mei lian, teck kheng, kenneth... hmm, sorry i can't remember the rest off hand.... and lymon haha. thank you for the 3 months. been a great time bar the horrible, horrible long days coupled with the travelling. a lot of times i find myself thinking back bout those days and think to myself i enjoyed myself there. i'm happy for tt...
and since i'm on the subject of tj i just wanna wish ash the best there. he'd survive, i'm sure, but i think it's kinda sad how the four of us, candy and weiteng all left, leaving him there... and somehow i have the feeling lymon and aaron will be going back there if they could have made another choice. dunno if i'd ever see him again... maybe i should go bout planning some sort of gathering for our group... and on that, can't help but think of eric in australia. wonder how he's doing...
i must be in this thankyou/wishing well mood... so while i'm still at it want to thank shiu hei for the past few days for accompanying me most of the times, esp during fmaths lessons. guess we have to start mingling with our classes from now. think gonna play pool tml. yay ^^. more chance to make a big fool of myself... ok, enough of this entry before i go on more bout thanking this and that etc.
i think i really need to give myself a break during these times lah. somehow i must learn to douse this desire to know when needed. at one point in time there was this apathetic guy who don't care, but tt guy had gone mia for some time already. at least i guess it's good in a certain sense. sometimes it just takes tt li'l extra bit of determination to figuring things out. but there are times where i should just know myself, not stress out and throw in the towel i guess. i used to go on 'walks' midway through studying just to relax, just wandering aimlessly around outside the lib/mac i happen to be studying in, looking out, letting my mind wander and just not think bout anything, letting the whole word pass by myself. think i should start dong tt i guess
in a sense tt's why i like to gaze at the sky/clouds/stars/moon/sea/scenery sometimes. basically just looking past everything into the distance. just feel like nothing will bother you during these times and i can just think bout whatever i want. but tt's also why i sometimes think too much, a problem i'm aware of but can't seem to change much. i think i must have thought of countless conspiracy theories before. like something like will happen to my life. and i do tt even without watching much television/shows on them if any. sometimes i'd think of the most impossible yet plausible situation happening... not exactly good as it'd just lead to worries at times. at least i think i'm starting to do tt less. thinking... what a weird thing...
ok, enough of my philosophy of the day... tutorials starting tml, hope things will go well with my class. today things have been going kinda good. sat with my class for a few lectures. was like alternating between a social mood talking and mingling with others and being anti-social suddenly feel like just keeping mum... but first steps i guess with the class. hopefully tml can be in totally social mood and interact more. so far it seems like a pretty good class... let's see how things go. and today's 'maiden sentence' was 'you're the one from zhonghua right?', a quantum upgrade from the old hot no.1 favourite pick-up line on yours truly of 'are you from 04?/you from 04 meh?'. ok, spewing crap's a good sign. crap seems to be appreciated in social interactions ^^
st tj i've had the immense luck to be under 2 great tutors (mr ngoh-fm, mrs foo-chem), a rather good one (mrs lim-fm), a decent one (ms panai-gp)... i'd really like to thank them here sincerely for the 3 months though i've ponned so many lessons. learn't a lot from them. (ok, so maybe i shoud thank the horrible phy tutor mr neo and reminds-me-of-milder-version-of-zhang ??? lao shi too lah...)
don't think the tutors at aj can match up to mr ngoh and mrs foo but hope they'd be good. fm tutors already look pretty good, chinese cum form tutor seem quite 'kind' (her qiao she gets on my nerve sometimes though, but what can u do when a teacher seems to be smiling most of the time kinda joking bout being strict). hope the others can be at least decent.
and since tml is like considered the first official day with my new class to me, like to just type out my appreciation to the friends i've made at tj. kinda tried to rein myself in from making too close bonds when i decided i was leaving early on but still, friends will still be friends. in particular yi chao for the really nice conversations and sharing, darryl for being like sort of a leader for the guys in the cg and rui teck for the really funny moments during orientation... really so sad he turned out to be in the other cg... matthew for being a great ogl. cg 21, og9 kaku (hey, i haven't got the tshirt i paid money for lol. but guess is my fault for ponning so much)... scg 01... wai xing, eng shaw, jeffrey, wendy, grace, hui yan, pei fen, lay sian, guan wei, chai luan, mei lian, teck kheng, kenneth... hmm, sorry i can't remember the rest off hand.... and lymon haha. thank you for the 3 months. been a great time bar the horrible, horrible long days coupled with the travelling. a lot of times i find myself thinking back bout those days and think to myself i enjoyed myself there. i'm happy for tt...
and since i'm on the subject of tj i just wanna wish ash the best there. he'd survive, i'm sure, but i think it's kinda sad how the four of us, candy and weiteng all left, leaving him there... and somehow i have the feeling lymon and aaron will be going back there if they could have made another choice. dunno if i'd ever see him again... maybe i should go bout planning some sort of gathering for our group... and on that, can't help but think of eric in australia. wonder how he's doing...
i must be in this thankyou/wishing well mood... so while i'm still at it want to thank shiu hei for the past few days for accompanying me most of the times, esp during fmaths lessons. guess we have to start mingling with our classes from now. think gonna play pool tml. yay ^^. more chance to make a big fool of myself... ok, enough of this entry before i go on more bout thanking this and that etc.
[PLACEHOLDER] Recaps galore
All the recaps til today shall go here when i get down to it i guess
--brief stuff bout happenings in aj
--some li'l incidents here and there
--shopping spree last monday
--movies, lymon transfering
--big plans
and whatever i can remember and think of
--brief stuff bout happenings in aj
--some li'l incidents here and there
--shopping spree last monday
--movies, lymon transfering
--big plans
and whatever i can remember and think of
Monday, April 04, 2005
Just a note
Feel kinda bad bout not blogging more often... but life's just going too fast. so many things i wanna do it seems... wanna work hard, have fun and yet slack. and definitely i've no time for all this. been extending bed times to try do more stuff but just end up getting really tired most of the time. will come back to completing my last entry sometime soon, cover things up very briefly bout the past week or two (guess i have to skip orientation stuff and the horrible nightmare and skim past the other parts)... but i always say that and end up ranting bout anything under the sun and have a rather long entry anyway.
well, will try update if i have the time and actually had enough slacking and leisure. work's kinda killing me. sigh, was in a kinda grumpy mood today. hate these days. most of the times i try to just keep to myself til it goes away to avoid potential trouble, but dunno if i managed to do so today. nothing i can see of yet but hope i've not offended anyone or anything along the likes of tt. i'm never good at social stuff and conversation normally already and this mood doesn't help at all. at least it's over for now, and as i say i sincerely wish tt i've not irked anyone and humbly apologise if i have done so. i think lack of sleep's causing this, so think should retire early now. may the next moody day not come anytime soon
well, will try update if i have the time and actually had enough slacking and leisure. work's kinda killing me. sigh, was in a kinda grumpy mood today. hate these days. most of the times i try to just keep to myself til it goes away to avoid potential trouble, but dunno if i managed to do so today. nothing i can see of yet but hope i've not offended anyone or anything along the likes of tt. i'm never good at social stuff and conversation normally already and this mood doesn't help at all. at least it's over for now, and as i say i sincerely wish tt i've not irked anyone and humbly apologise if i have done so. i think lack of sleep's causing this, so think should retire early now. may the next moody day not come anytime soon
