The simpler life...

after the previous few depressing blogs, it's gd to see the week take a turn for the better, though i can't seem to find anything to blog about those days... today, however, that down, empty feeling's back again and looks like i'm back to blogging... i really dunno y, but i've been feeling this much more than be4. as i say, stress from all the hectic studying and revision i'm doing, but even then...

well, looks like i'm a regular now at the cafe in the library... the guy there actually asked me how i can manage to sleep after drinking coffee every day, so he muz have noticed me go there everyday 4 my cup of latte!!! it's really money wasting, but i'm studying a whole lot and i really enjoy the coffee...

also, been thinking bout my future on the way home... the really future future when i get a job. the programmer dream kinda died down in the recent months and i muz admit it's kinda unrealistic and dangerous to be going into this. moreover, i can't see myself excelling there and everything seemed a li'l abstract now. so with me feeling myself inclined more to maths than science, accounting seem like the reasonable choice (and the only one maths related i might want to work as that i can think of).

however, something's really weird, cos i'm actually contemplating bout being a teacher recently. it started bout half a yr back when i was joking a teacher could be so easy a job seeing how tan soo lan was doing, but now that i think bout it, it is actually a prospect i might want to review. i know i can't and dun wanna handle problem kids, small kids and generally naughty ones but if the classes i teach can be something like what i'm experiencing now, i'm thinking teaching might actually turn out to be an enticing and rewarding experience. i really dunno whether i wanna pursue this path as things could turn out the way i want or totally go haywire, but at least it's a career i kinda understand more clearly than 'vague' jobs like accounting.

also, while thining bout it, i've been reviewing the teachers that had thought me and it's really seems like i'm deciding what kind of teacher i wanna be if i really become one... it's definitely something i might wanna explore... and juz this morning during ss i was joking bout wanting to work in moe if i had to work in civil service to 'mould the future generation'.

they say we should always start with the end in mind, but imo we know too li'l of the possible jobs out there to make an astute choice for now. definitely i'd be working in something i'm better at which narrows it down to maths, science and maybe computing, but i really have no idea what i really wanna be.
nonetheless, a career in science doesn't seem too attractive 4 me now. all those engineering things dun really fascinate me, and though r&d (3M!!!) does seem kinda fun, i dun see myself working rather aimlessly juz hoping 4 that moment of inspiration to produce a breakthrough or something. i juz can't seem to work without a specific victory road or end in mind.
as for computing, the uncertain future is one thing, and really i lack quite a lot to be one of the better people. sure, i may be one of the most tech-savvy in class or maybe even the school now, but i personally think (and i dun think it's too far from reality) that there r so many pple out there much better and well-versed and i juz can't find the time and dedication to devote myself to it.
that leaves me with maths, which as i've mentioned earlier puts me in the path of an accountant or maybe even a teacher. i'd juz have take one step at a time, get into jc, concentrate on my maths (i WILL excel in f maths!) and see if i can see anything more palpable then.
CHEERS!

kinda eventful week, but can't seem to find anything to blog bout... i do have a lot of thoughts that i wanna express, but it seems lyk i juz can't find the right words 4 them... and it took me an hour or so of reading other pple's blogs (freaky me) be4 i could touch on this. it juz doesn't seem rite, 4 some reason.

first, the movies. seen two thought-provoking movies this week, i am sam in chinese classes and the humanities week movie brotherhood (sadly, it kinda dragged on way, way too long). lots of thoughts on them, and kinda makes u ponder and mull further bout the bleakness, futility, dread and mindlessness in life. come on, does it hurt the directors so much to put in a lighter ender to cheer cynical, pessimistic pple lyk me up? that's y i hate war movies so much and would very much prefer some mindless slapstick comedy (k, i'm a li'l too harsh on them, and i am sam is actually quite gd, but...)

the other thing... well... it's that sensitive topic, and though prob no one ever reads this crap and all, i'm still not comfortable blogging bout it... sure, it's easy to guess what i'm talking bout, but i still dun wanna say it out. and in my own language again, it seems like i've reached the crest of the sine curve (or at least somewhere near it)... been thinking a fair bit lately, but i still dun dare do anything. and if it's any consolation, doing it wouldn't seem the right choice anyway if i weigh the factors up. however, if all things can be successful, i actually dun mind throwing those things away... what i'm hoping 4 is what i'd prob value as something most precious, but i juz dun dare pursue it (or more specifically, afraid of the consequences of failure)... guess i won't do anything 4 now at least... come on, can't i juz have some really close friends who seem to have similiar experiences and had succeeded to confide into? i can say i'd only be comfortable talking bout this to one person (who else but gd ol' junliang), but i dun think i feel safe enuf talking bout this yet... sure, it'd prob juz turn out like so many of the crests and troughs in the perrenial sine curve, but i'd nvr ever be successful if i dun try... how pathetic i feel...

and i still have a lot more unexpressed emotions bottling up despite this huge chunk of rants and crap. maybe it's the stress all these studying is doing to me... at least i've finished geog, but i feel so down now that i dun wanna continue anymore... and dun remind me of the physics test tml... i juz can't pluck myself up to study 4 it, so will juz read through the chapter in the mrt tml. really i'm starting to feel really stressed and cooped up from all the studying, and i'm not even close to a quarter of my aim... i really wonder how hongyi manages all these... and i wonder how those seemingly more open pple can be so truth to their hearts... come on, mr soh!!! U CAN DO IT!!!

and anything's made me feel really down today too... lik khian's started talking with junwei bout his basketball life today, and i can't help but think bout it... think i actually heard my name before he said his, but even if it isn't, i still have a lot of regrets bout myself and to some extent, the coach, despite all my respect and admiration 4 him. whenever i think of those days i can't help but think of those first few matches we played and how i performed... maybe i'm not really second, but i guess i'd easily make the top 8 or so, and would be very much safe even after the others joined. i still dunno y stupid me didn't realise how bad i was becoming and did nothing to arrest the halt the deterioration be4 it was too late (granted it's not so much deterioration, but others were improving so much faster than i was). and lo and behold, i was not really considered it seems juz bout half a yr on in our first friendly... slowly, confidence dropped and i lost even more interest, and by the time i saw the seriousness of everything and tried to help myself, it was more of mere hope that things would turn out fine rather than really putting in the effort to make it happen... i'm not blaming any1 or anything, but i was really hoping some1 then would make me feel a li'l more special and that i can contribute to the team, motivating me to actually train harder... maybe i'm wishing too much and reading too many of those reports bout great motivational managers, but maybe if that happened i'd be somewhere else... at least during the first time the boys won the zone championships i felt somehow lyk a part of the team, but 4 the next few years i kinda felt like a forgotten and did not play a part in it... somehow i can imagine myself lyk one of those transfer listed players with no potential suitors willing to pick u up... but at least i learnt something (actually quite a lot) and had my share of gd moments (though those horrible memories of training and the friendlies kinda blur them)... i know i've no future in basketball bout two years ago already, but i'm alreading wondering if i should actually take up a sport in jc. it carries the points, and i need the exercise, but i really dun wanna relive that experience... i've had my fun, but i dun really want to have so many down moments... sometimes i wonder if it's really my lack of training and playing or am i really juz plain bad and think i was gd that starting few days... i'm kinda considering swimming in jc but in my current state, i'm nowhere near ready to join a sports team, and i'm very afraid that i'd get that same left-out, unwanted feeling again... i was juz so badly affected by lk's conversation today that i juz kinda lost all my interest in studying (not that i had interest in the first place, but at least i was slogging it out)... i really need some1, perhaps that special some1 to cheer me up...

and there i go, rambling on and on... i dun really know what i'm doing nowadays (and again, not that i knew what i was doing before, but at least i ain't feeling so bad)... these days almost always seem to start with some hopes, daydreams and etc, only to be crushed by harsh, harsh reality. and all these is really pushing me on the earlier thing i'm talking bout, leading me to want do something to change my situation... i really want happy days ahead, but then again, i dun wanna disappoint and sadden myself any more. dun accuse me of being suicidal and depressed or anything (or i should have been in imh 4 the past 6-7 years), but i really wonder when my life will end, and how. what if i muz live up to 80+ years and live struggling with diseases and torture... it's just punishment 4 the mockery i've made of my life, but i dun wanna go through that... believers say that religion have helped them stay on track in these times, but nothing have convinced me that religion is something i really believe in. and i'm definitely not one of those pple who juz follow their religion blindly cos their parents were of that religion and they're expected to follow it.

so guess that's enuf 4 today... i'd juz go back to looking at the photos, looking at how happy we look in them (or at least, how we try to look happy). the smiles, fun, etc... sometimes i really hope that i'd get rid of one of my traits... my dreaming personality, or my pessimistic one... having urself dreaming bout how gd things could be be4 cruelly crushing it urself isn't too nice a feeling... nah, it's time to stop... i could really turn suicidal and depressed if i continue...

really eventful sat, eh?
first, it was the photo-taking 4 our class mag... finally all my 'practice' of how to smile became useful and i actually gave a rather nice one imo in a few of the shots. juz curse that ashleigh pestering me throughout the taking... i was grimacing during one of them... juz hope it isn't used in the sch mag. the photos came out really nice in the end it seems. now tt's gd memories 4 me, juz as long as my hdd doesn't crash...

and after that, there was the scrabble comp. breezed through the first round (and was actually 12th seed) but after the rather scary second round (my opponent counted that she was higher while i counted otherwise) but i got through in the end. haha, terence... the first one knocked out... but i got affected by that game nonetheless, thanks to the crappy spread and had to face a rather gd opponent in the last round. maybe it's crappy tiles, maybe it's the fact that i'm juz not gd enuf, but i lost... no, got thrashed... really sad... but congrats to lymon for winning all three (though he's prob one of the 6 who won all three but didn't manage to get a prize)... aaron didn't make it either, so i'm not THAT bad, right?

anyway, kinda sad that i lost the game... sure, i didn't come into the competition with too high an expectation, but i thought that guy wasn't that good and i should have won... i'm cursing my tiles and luck, but i cannot rule out that he may be better. but watch out, jurong, i'd be taking 'training' more seriously now... i really hope to meet them in the august 1st competition at suntec and i'd make it such that i meet that guy... I'M GONNA THRASH HIM THIS TIME ROUND!

and on an ending note, another anime recommendation... Aishiteruze Baby... the start's really slow (and slow is the middle part i'm at) but it kinda make u think... Yuzuyu, Kippei, Kokoro... though the thoughts i had after seeing the plot develop 'round Kokoro was those pessimistic ones where i wonder bout the meaning of my existance and my achievements again, making 4 a rather depressed, sad time, any anime that makes you think deserves to be commended... GO KOKORO! I'm behind u!!! (Still waiting 4 the last of Midori no Hibi's manga to be translated as well to end my other anime craze of late)

watched super size me today, and gotta say's it's a really gd movie... kinda sad, though, that i didn't manage to rope any1 to watch with me and there i was, watching it by myself... really feel so weird in the theatre with every1 else with company... sigh... when will this days end...

well, back to the movie. isn't really like a real movie being more a documentary but i thoroughly enjoyed it. really do admire the guy (now what's his name again?) for what he did and it's some motivation 4 me to stop having such an unhealthy diet... sure, i'm nowhere near obese, but my poor stamina might have sth to do with it and i certainly dun wanna get all those horrible diseases. and the humor laced right into the movie (that guy sure is a humorous guy alrite) really did make everything better. and i have to say the americans are really open (or maybe it's juz his girlfriend). to be able to talk bout sensitive things like their sex life so openly, we singaporeans sure have a long, long way to go. there r the gd points bout being conservative, but it's my hope me myself and the singapore society can learn to be much more open and less 'pai-seh'...

talking bout pai-seh, juz had an intereseting cme discussion with ms tham. well, it kinda went a li'l off track when eric started talking bout his badminton thing again (the student council thing was off track as well but i thought it was a li'l more interesting) but the talk bout why singaporeans r so apthetic is juz spot on to wat i think sometimes. i think it's etched in us, our upbringing, our society, our education system but i really do hope this will improve in the future. the e7s were the perfect example of that on a smaller scale and i really hated the lack of involvement in classes. on this note, i'd like to sincerely thank mrs chia for her year with us. i would never have dared to be more involved in class or ask more questions if not 4 that experience with her teaching. i really wanna relive those days where pple actually volunteered to do things in class. sure, we have a relatively gd atmosphere in class now with zhi liang and co behind actively involved (though most of the time only in maths), but i'd like more participation, especially with the girls.

well, back on super size me, it's time 4 me to reconsider my diet and cut down on those unhealthy food while exercising more... my guess is that i won't stick to it in the long-term, but hopefully i'd be proved wrong and it'd actually help my life

it's sigh again as most things go... dunno how to phrase it, so'd juz make everything short...

first, studying costs SOOO much money... that latte, wedges, nuggets, fries, large super size drinks blah blah blah needed to keep me studying is really sucking my reserves out (not that i have any in the first place)... and to think i'm studying so early be4 prelims and the 'o's and i juz gotta wonder how many millions i'd spend be4 they'd come... guess it's a trade off between studying and money, but surely there r better ways?

and on the other note, it's that thing again... as usual, i dun really wanna talk bout it explicitly (though u'd prob know wat i mean anyway)... things juz ain't moving... they haven't even started, 4 gdness sake and pathetic ol' me dun dare to try attempt it. well, at least pathetic pple try and fail but i dun even try... but really, i've been thinking and it juz doesn't seem like it can work out. there's only a few months left before secondary school life comes to an end and even though it's juz a few mnths, i dun want to leave with awkward feelings... and more, we hardly know each other... i'd try to get get close and know each other better, sure, but given that both of us basically juz stick to their own groups, that extra step juz won't work out... guess i can say it's juz nth and things would work out juz fine in the end, i'd be lyk this 4ever if i juz wait 4 things to settle itself without putting in effort... i'm a guy, and things like these r areas i muz take initiative, so... Guess it's juz maybe next time again, but this time i'd tell myself that i'd do it if sth like this happens again in jc or watever... i juz can't afford to wait lyk this...

finally got that garfield download done (juz dunno y they won't screen it here yet, but if they do, i wouldn't mind watching it a second time) and i muz say i luv the movie... sure, i have lots of gripes on it... garfield, jon, odie, nermal, arlene and liz all dun look like their comic counterpart, odie isn't tortured as much as i'd like, not as many slapstick jokes, jon didn't turn out to be that sore loser with liz, nermal's become a stray and an 'extra' in the movie, where's odie's owner lyman, the storyline gets a bit expected in the end, kinda like i'd seen that be4...

the list can go on, and if i was giving a movie review as a normal guy at the movies, i wouldn't really recommend it. but, hell, it's GARFIELD. the same garfield i'd seen 26 years of archives on and counting (right down to the first in 1978). i'm a BIG GARFIELD FAN, and juz having more time with him is gd enuf... i'd have luved more of his one-liners from the comics as well as more inside jokes (esp for fans like me who'd read every strip out there), and really, liz going out with jon would nvr happen in the strips, but still, i think the movie managed to capture the spirit of the comics...

GO GARFIELD!!!

the chinese oral today was really scary... hui shan talked so long that when it got to my turn, i'd totally forgotten the passage and really stumbled like hell... conversation was a lot better, but then the female examiner suddenly started smiling and it's so creepy. did i say sth really funny or wat?

hw really piling up these days (and juz when i'm starting to do them) so really troublesome... ss and geog nowadays keep doing qns so very sian, and eng has taken a different dimension of sianness under tobias...

anyway, really every1 should go watch Midori no Hibi... the past 12 episodes had been so funny and now it has such a sweet li'l ending... Midori-chan... but y can't i even be as courageous as midori... nvm... i promise myself that if things can happen enuf between the 2 of us, i will do it... I must at least try!!!