Friday, July 23, 2004
Movies... Emptiness...
kinda eventful week, but can't seem to find anything to blog bout... i do have a lot of thoughts that i wanna express, but it seems lyk i juz can't find the right words 4 them... and it took me an hour or so of reading other pple's blogs (freaky me) be4 i could touch on this. it juz doesn't seem rite, 4 some reason.
first, the movies. seen two thought-provoking movies this week, i am sam in chinese classes and the humanities week movie brotherhood (sadly, it kinda dragged on way, way too long). lots of thoughts on them, and kinda makes u ponder and mull further bout the bleakness, futility, dread and mindlessness in life. come on, does it hurt the directors so much to put in a lighter ender to cheer cynical, pessimistic pple lyk me up? that's y i hate war movies so much and would very much prefer some mindless slapstick comedy (k, i'm a li'l too harsh on them, and i am sam is actually quite gd, but...)
the other thing... well... it's that sensitive topic, and though prob no one ever reads this crap and all, i'm still not comfortable blogging bout it... sure, it's easy to guess what i'm talking bout, but i still dun wanna say it out. and in my own language again, it seems like i've reached the crest of the sine curve (or at least somewhere near it)... been thinking a fair bit lately, but i still dun dare do anything. and if it's any consolation, doing it wouldn't seem the right choice anyway if i weigh the factors up. however, if all things can be successful, i actually dun mind throwing those things away... what i'm hoping 4 is what i'd prob value as something most precious, but i juz dun dare pursue it (or more specifically, afraid of the consequences of failure)... guess i won't do anything 4 now at least... come on, can't i juz have some really close friends who seem to have similiar experiences and had succeeded to confide into? i can say i'd only be comfortable talking bout this to one person (who else but gd ol' junliang), but i dun think i feel safe enuf talking bout this yet... sure, it'd prob juz turn out like so many of the crests and troughs in the perrenial sine curve, but i'd nvr ever be successful if i dun try... how pathetic i feel...
and i still have a lot more unexpressed emotions bottling up despite this huge chunk of rants and crap. maybe it's the stress all these studying is doing to me... at least i've finished geog, but i feel so down now that i dun wanna continue anymore... and dun remind me of the physics test tml... i juz can't pluck myself up to study 4 it, so will juz read through the chapter in the mrt tml. really i'm starting to feel really stressed and cooped up from all the studying, and i'm not even close to a quarter of my aim... i really wonder how hongyi manages all these... and i wonder how those seemingly more open pple can be so truth to their hearts... come on, mr soh!!! U CAN DO IT!!!
and anything's made me feel really down today too... lik khian's started talking with junwei bout his basketball life today, and i can't help but think bout it... think i actually heard my name before he said his, but even if it isn't, i still have a lot of regrets bout myself and to some extent, the coach, despite all my respect and admiration 4 him. whenever i think of those days i can't help but think of those first few matches we played and how i performed... maybe i'm not really second, but i guess i'd easily make the top 8 or so, and would be very much safe even after the others joined. i still dunno y stupid me didn't realise how bad i was becoming and did nothing to arrest the halt the deterioration be4 it was too late (granted it's not so much deterioration, but others were improving so much faster than i was). and lo and behold, i was not really considered it seems juz bout half a yr on in our first friendly... slowly, confidence dropped and i lost even more interest, and by the time i saw the seriousness of everything and tried to help myself, it was more of mere hope that things would turn out fine rather than really putting in the effort to make it happen... i'm not blaming any1 or anything, but i was really hoping some1 then would make me feel a li'l more special and that i can contribute to the team, motivating me to actually train harder... maybe i'm wishing too much and reading too many of those reports bout great motivational managers, but maybe if that happened i'd be somewhere else... at least during the first time the boys won the zone championships i felt somehow lyk a part of the team, but 4 the next few years i kinda felt like a forgotten and did not play a part in it... somehow i can imagine myself lyk one of those transfer listed players with no potential suitors willing to pick u up... but at least i learnt something (actually quite a lot) and had my share of gd moments (though those horrible memories of training and the friendlies kinda blur them)... i know i've no future in basketball bout two years ago already, but i'm alreading wondering if i should actually take up a sport in jc. it carries the points, and i need the exercise, but i really dun wanna relive that experience... i've had my fun, but i dun really want to have so many down moments... sometimes i wonder if it's really my lack of training and playing or am i really juz plain bad and think i was gd that starting few days... i'm kinda considering swimming in jc but in my current state, i'm nowhere near ready to join a sports team, and i'm very afraid that i'd get that same left-out, unwanted feeling again... i was juz so badly affected by lk's conversation today that i juz kinda lost all my interest in studying (not that i had interest in the first place, but at least i was slogging it out)... i really need some1, perhaps that special some1 to cheer me up...
and there i go, rambling on and on... i dun really know what i'm doing nowadays (and again, not that i knew what i was doing before, but at least i ain't feeling so bad)... these days almost always seem to start with some hopes, daydreams and etc, only to be crushed by harsh, harsh reality. and all these is really pushing me on the earlier thing i'm talking bout, leading me to want do something to change my situation... i really want happy days ahead, but then again, i dun wanna disappoint and sadden myself any more. dun accuse me of being suicidal and depressed or anything (or i should have been in imh 4 the past 6-7 years), but i really wonder when my life will end, and how. what if i muz live up to 80+ years and live struggling with diseases and torture... it's just punishment 4 the mockery i've made of my life, but i dun wanna go through that... believers say that religion have helped them stay on track in these times, but nothing have convinced me that religion is something i really believe in. and i'm definitely not one of those pple who juz follow their religion blindly cos their parents were of that religion and they're expected to follow it.
so guess that's enuf 4 today... i'd juz go back to looking at the photos, looking at how happy we look in them (or at least, how we try to look happy). the smiles, fun, etc... sometimes i really hope that i'd get rid of one of my traits... my dreaming personality, or my pessimistic one... having urself dreaming bout how gd things could be be4 cruelly crushing it urself isn't too nice a feeling... nah, it's time to stop... i could really turn suicidal and depressed if i continue...
first, the movies. seen two thought-provoking movies this week, i am sam in chinese classes and the humanities week movie brotherhood (sadly, it kinda dragged on way, way too long). lots of thoughts on them, and kinda makes u ponder and mull further bout the bleakness, futility, dread and mindlessness in life. come on, does it hurt the directors so much to put in a lighter ender to cheer cynical, pessimistic pple lyk me up? that's y i hate war movies so much and would very much prefer some mindless slapstick comedy (k, i'm a li'l too harsh on them, and i am sam is actually quite gd, but...)
the other thing... well... it's that sensitive topic, and though prob no one ever reads this crap and all, i'm still not comfortable blogging bout it... sure, it's easy to guess what i'm talking bout, but i still dun wanna say it out. and in my own language again, it seems like i've reached the crest of the sine curve (or at least somewhere near it)... been thinking a fair bit lately, but i still dun dare do anything. and if it's any consolation, doing it wouldn't seem the right choice anyway if i weigh the factors up. however, if all things can be successful, i actually dun mind throwing those things away... what i'm hoping 4 is what i'd prob value as something most precious, but i juz dun dare pursue it (or more specifically, afraid of the consequences of failure)... guess i won't do anything 4 now at least... come on, can't i juz have some really close friends who seem to have similiar experiences and had succeeded to confide into? i can say i'd only be comfortable talking bout this to one person (who else but gd ol' junliang), but i dun think i feel safe enuf talking bout this yet... sure, it'd prob juz turn out like so many of the crests and troughs in the perrenial sine curve, but i'd nvr ever be successful if i dun try... how pathetic i feel...
and i still have a lot more unexpressed emotions bottling up despite this huge chunk of rants and crap. maybe it's the stress all these studying is doing to me... at least i've finished geog, but i feel so down now that i dun wanna continue anymore... and dun remind me of the physics test tml... i juz can't pluck myself up to study 4 it, so will juz read through the chapter in the mrt tml. really i'm starting to feel really stressed and cooped up from all the studying, and i'm not even close to a quarter of my aim... i really wonder how hongyi manages all these... and i wonder how those seemingly more open pple can be so truth to their hearts... come on, mr soh!!! U CAN DO IT!!!
and anything's made me feel really down today too... lik khian's started talking with junwei bout his basketball life today, and i can't help but think bout it... think i actually heard my name before he said his, but even if it isn't, i still have a lot of regrets bout myself and to some extent, the coach, despite all my respect and admiration 4 him. whenever i think of those days i can't help but think of those first few matches we played and how i performed... maybe i'm not really second, but i guess i'd easily make the top 8 or so, and would be very much safe even after the others joined. i still dunno y stupid me didn't realise how bad i was becoming and did nothing to arrest the halt the deterioration be4 it was too late (granted it's not so much deterioration, but others were improving so much faster than i was). and lo and behold, i was not really considered it seems juz bout half a yr on in our first friendly... slowly, confidence dropped and i lost even more interest, and by the time i saw the seriousness of everything and tried to help myself, it was more of mere hope that things would turn out fine rather than really putting in the effort to make it happen... i'm not blaming any1 or anything, but i was really hoping some1 then would make me feel a li'l more special and that i can contribute to the team, motivating me to actually train harder... maybe i'm wishing too much and reading too many of those reports bout great motivational managers, but maybe if that happened i'd be somewhere else... at least during the first time the boys won the zone championships i felt somehow lyk a part of the team, but 4 the next few years i kinda felt like a forgotten and did not play a part in it... somehow i can imagine myself lyk one of those transfer listed players with no potential suitors willing to pick u up... but at least i learnt something (actually quite a lot) and had my share of gd moments (though those horrible memories of training and the friendlies kinda blur them)... i know i've no future in basketball bout two years ago already, but i'm alreading wondering if i should actually take up a sport in jc. it carries the points, and i need the exercise, but i really dun wanna relive that experience... i've had my fun, but i dun really want to have so many down moments... sometimes i wonder if it's really my lack of training and playing or am i really juz plain bad and think i was gd that starting few days... i'm kinda considering swimming in jc but in my current state, i'm nowhere near ready to join a sports team, and i'm very afraid that i'd get that same left-out, unwanted feeling again... i was juz so badly affected by lk's conversation today that i juz kinda lost all my interest in studying (not that i had interest in the first place, but at least i was slogging it out)... i really need some1, perhaps that special some1 to cheer me up...
and there i go, rambling on and on... i dun really know what i'm doing nowadays (and again, not that i knew what i was doing before, but at least i ain't feeling so bad)... these days almost always seem to start with some hopes, daydreams and etc, only to be crushed by harsh, harsh reality. and all these is really pushing me on the earlier thing i'm talking bout, leading me to want do something to change my situation... i really want happy days ahead, but then again, i dun wanna disappoint and sadden myself any more. dun accuse me of being suicidal and depressed or anything (or i should have been in imh 4 the past 6-7 years), but i really wonder when my life will end, and how. what if i muz live up to 80+ years and live struggling with diseases and torture... it's just punishment 4 the mockery i've made of my life, but i dun wanna go through that... believers say that religion have helped them stay on track in these times, but nothing have convinced me that religion is something i really believe in. and i'm definitely not one of those pple who juz follow their religion blindly cos their parents were of that religion and they're expected to follow it.
so guess that's enuf 4 today... i'd juz go back to looking at the photos, looking at how happy we look in them (or at least, how we try to look happy). the smiles, fun, etc... sometimes i really hope that i'd get rid of one of my traits... my dreaming personality, or my pessimistic one... having urself dreaming bout how gd things could be be4 cruelly crushing it urself isn't too nice a feeling... nah, it's time to stop... i could really turn suicidal and depressed if i continue...
