The simpler life...

Once upon a time there was a man called mcnish. one day, he won a lucky draw. the prize: a seven day tour around heaven. heaven, being heaven, is of course such a wonderful place and mcnish had loads of fun during the tour. he had never been happier in his life. he even met ms angel, who as her name suggests, is an angel. she was the most beautiful and kindest girl mcnish has ever met. it was the time of mcnish's life being able to get to know her.

alas, the tour ended. what heaven, ms angel and mcnish did not know was the effects heaven had on humans. stay more than 7 days and they will suffer when they go back to earth. mcnish, unfortunately, stayed for 7 days and an hour and prompty contracted heaven overdose wilting syndrome (HOWS). HOWS is a terrible disease and ebbs away a person's life, both physically and mentality. of course, mcnish was in pain and actue agony. he struggled badly trying to cope with the disease. every day seemed like eternity as he has to go through all the trauma every moment. he hated his life immensely. after a few months, the disease was into its final stages.

one dark and stormy night, mcnish at last managed to look past all the pain and sorrow he's been feeling. as such, he soon saw himself in the middle of a dark tunnel. then he saw the light out in the distance and moved towards it... finally he could let everything go and go into the light, away from all the pain he's been feeling.

however, ms angel soon appeared. being an angel, she used her supernatural prowess to haul mcnish back to life. however, she did/could not do anything more and left mcnish back at his previous state. the state where he just contracted the disease.

and once again, mcnish has to go through all the sorrow again. momentarily there was the feeling of elation... "Yes, i'm alive again" he thought when first brought back to life but then the reality of HOWS came crawling back. 'why won't ms angel go the full distance and save him from all the agony? or why didn't she just leave me alone to die? after all, i've finally looked past everything that has happened' he thought.

thus comes the moral question behind the story... will mcnish be wrong to blame ms angel for what happened? in his mind ms angel has always been just infallible. " well, everything she does is beautiful. everything she does is right" he would think. but somehow he couldn't help but feel disappointed at what she has done (he can't seem to blame her still)... and while writhing in pain from HOWS he makes a plea to ms angel: leave me be to move on past what has happened and make no attempt to bring me back or just stay with me through everything. please don't be so nice if you don't mean it.

THE END

and along with the spirit of story telling i would like to point out that the story above is just a work of fiction. all the characters and events portrayed in the story are purely fictitious, and any resemblance to real people or events is purely coincidental...

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anyway, back to real life. i felt so hyprocritical today... i actually managed to choke out a laughter despite feeling insulted by what was said. i remember all i could do in scenarios like this previously was force out a light smile. sometimes i wonder how it's like having friendships at the top. sadly most of my experiences with people of power/status turn out to be one big farce. i wonder if tt's the type of relationships and bonds those people form. i often look at ministers playing golf together or socialites doing what they do best and feel skeptical if they are really friends in the true sense of the word. i certainly do not desire such superficial friendship with other people just so they are important, etc. simply, why do i even want to mix with important people...

it's my life... let me chart out my own course. i'd find the balance i oh-so-seek one day...

let's see. i wonder how to start. only been a week but blogging seems somewhat foreign now. and as so often the case yet a few more entry ideas/plans slipped by. i give up postponing them... if it's meant to be, i'd remember again some day. so i went to malaysia to grandma's house through the weekends. but nth really much to blog bout it. once again, i should have brought my cam. must remember to do so next time.

new song... insert song from mai hime

It's only the fairy tale/Miyamura Yuuko (Alyssa Sears)
---
Who are those little girls in pain just trapped in castle of dark side of moon
Twelve of them shining bright in vain like flowers that blossom just once in years
They're dancing in the shadow like whispers of love just dreaming of a place where they're free as dove
They've never been allowed to love in this cursed cage
It's only the fairy tale they believe

so the pronounciation's horrible. and the lyrics kinda only apply to the anime. and it sounds a li'l weird at first but i like the way it is sung. it... resonates... and well, cos of the way all the words are slurred up (i guess the excessive slur was deliberate since the character was a li'l girl in the anime. and it kinda blended to the melody) i remember the last line as "It's only the fairy tale happening". and the irony of how a line like that is sang and the tone of the song.

anyway, seems like a busy december holiday will be in store... almost surely will be make up for the first few weeks. then there's SL slated for end of december. and the way the teachers have been approaching me the past few days i guess i can't refuse doing the science research thingy for some fair and a sorta camp visiting some institutes of higher learning. think it's overseas even. well, i can't say i'm not interested in these programmes. but the reason i've not taken anything of that sort of thing before is of course, time... heck, i even gave maths olympiad a miss.

i dunno. 'work hard, play hard', they say, but that's not the way i want my life to go. i see nothing wrong with lazing around and just doing nothing at times. of course, when the time comes, i will put in the hard work but other than that i don't need anything else. maybe i have no aspirations, but i like to put it more like i'm not particularly ambitious. or competitive at that.

i don't really want a prestigious scholarship, or even a scholarship at all. i don't need an 'enriching, meaningful life'. a happy, easy-going one would be more than enough for me. i guess i should just take the programmes that come along positively and try to learn things from them.

i guess there must be people looking at my situation and wondering why i'm still ranting and lamenting when i've been blessed with such wonderful opportunities. but i think it's just like how i'm incredibly annoyed when i see some people more accomplished in other areas other than academic and work wise but still do not realise how good things are for them. it has occured to me quite a few times. perhaps i'm reading a person's blog, or see someone in real life and can't help but be quite irritated by the way they act, how they do not seem to realise how easy they have certain things. ugh, i don't think i'm making much sense yet again.

maybe one day i will finally be satisfied with what i have. and hopefully i'm not wrong in thinking that i'm just a few elements, albeit big ones, from what i want. let things just take its course i guess. certain things cannot be rushed. then again, maybe it's impossible for me to reach that state for i'm no saint. let's see...

then this thing about first aid... ok, so the commitments are still not too high even now with qigong's emphasis on proactiveness (oh yeah, i must finish my board soon...) but come to think of it, joining it might have been the best choice i've made so far in aj. i can't seem to imagine myself enjoying myself in any CCA which involves competitions. these things, along with the amount of time and effort to be invested, require passion and i don't think i've found that in the ccas the sch offer. and i probably would never have made it to exco in the other ccas. i think i see more signs of more bonding between the different groups in first aid, and that's promising. hopefully when we handover next year, i would have known everyone in the club decently at least. i'd probably have been lost in the droves of people in the other ccas. anyway, back to my point. so first it started with my form teacher. asked me why i joined first aid with that skeptical tone. proceeded to ask me my cca in secondary sch and why i did not continue with bball. or whether i was part of exco in bball (when there's only a captain). then the science research teacher... kinda like emphasised the fact that i shouldn't be too busy with the commitments from first aid and i'd need to stand up and grab the opportunities for others to notice me (not that i'm desiring that). and now finally the pw hod. she was like, "i did a check and found out you are in first aid. nothing wrong with that but it's kind of low profile. thankfully you're an exco member"... -_-. oh well. at least i know i'm enjoying my time there in a sense

(MILD SPOILER ALERT)

Just watched valiant. a cute li'l show which i enjoyed. i guess you can never trust the critics. was kinda weary bout watching valiant cos of the reviews. i can't understand why movies like lemony snicket's unfortunate events, a lot like love and star wars got better scores. And how shows i thoroughly enjoyed like hitch and miss congeniality got bashed...

so the movie didn't really start off that well. there were numerous attempts at jokes but somehow i couldn't bring myself to laugh. suddenly the lines i've read in the reviews beforehand started resonating in my mind. and with the kids around me laughing at some of the jokes, it seems like i caught the wrong show. but things picked up soon and before long i was laughing out loud at so many things. albeit feeling like i'm the only one laughing at certain jokes at times. thought it really picked up at the part where the pigeon started talking bout liking pink.

maybe i got used to the humour in the movie as it went on. or maybe i finally managed to just sit back, not think too much and enjoy the movie as it is but well, it just felt like a nice movie. nothing too great, but good for a decent, light-hearted time. and felt that the timing was right too. the plot's the usual ho-hum animation story (can't help but compare the movie with robots. must be ewan mcgregor heh. both nothing spectacular but good for a few hearty chuckles) so it doesn't try to drag much. when the plot needed to be advanced and the climax came thought it was done short and sweet. no point in dragging something expected when the chances to insert those funnies are few. guess 1h 10min or so is a bit short but i think that's what made the time spent in the cinema enjoyable too cos not much time is wasted.

now eagerly anticipating march of the penguins. i just have this affinity towards penguins haha. have been looking out for the release in singapore since it became a hit in the US. reviews are great too. though people i know don't seem to really care bout it and have shown very limited interest (i guess dragging people to watch a lot like love was the biggest mistake of the year heh. credibility = 0 now..)

---

I think too much most of the time, making things out of nothing, etc.
And nowadays the line between dreams and reality seems to have blurred. Certain things i don't even remember if it happened in real life.
Then as usual, there's this overactive mind coming up with conspiracy theories and all the ideas and meanings behind things
Now i can't even seem to differentiate if there's indeed some subtle meaning in words or is it yet another figment of my imagination
And playing on the safe side i always do
I ought to throw it my all one day and see where it brings me to
But there's always this thing deep inside hanging on to the safety holding back presents
i wanna climb high, but the again i don't wanna fall down
i hope to just let it all go one day
Just a little bit more, i always say
But i wonder when that bit more's gonna come
Or how much would classify as a bit more
Just wish things will somehow work out by itself, presenting everything all laid out for me
i guess i'm dense sometimes...

(i would like to have continue a recent trend of sorts and come up with some poem or whatnot to express the above but the words just don't seem to flow. so well, all in it's crude, unpolished and unorganised form on top then)

(on other note, i seem to be running out of stuff to blog bout. or just plain lazy. i used to like typing down my thoughts and opinions on stuff, but somehow i don't think bout anything and everything as much now as compared to before. and recounting seem to have lost any glimmer of appeal. pardon me if updates come slow for the recent future. well, i do have an idea of sorts to update weekly. more on it on friday. actually had the entry in mind last week already but just plain lazy. oh well... but then again, whenever i say i might update less frequently interesting things will somehow pop up and i blog more often. let's see...)

didn't go to sch today... have been deliberating on it since yest. whether to use the slight sore throat as an excuse to skip sch. loaded on the unhealthy food on monday... cutlet during recess, kfc after sch and a sugar roll to go along with it. but somehow at night it still felt like it was gonna go away the next. added two chocolate bars before bedtime, which was much, much earlier than norm at bout 10. actually the purpose of going kfc was to do some stuff, but didn't felt like at all. lib's still the best place i guess

so woke up today morning. sore throat's almost completely gone. but thought of all the tutorials i'm lagging behind in. so just shut off the alarm clock and slept til 11. real nice. went to the doctor. who was so cooperative in crapping up problems with my body. the very slight sore throat (it doesn't even hurt when swallowing saliva now compared to on fri) became a 'dry, inflammed throat'. and he continued by going 'there's no fever... but u feel like a fever's gonna develop soon. so i'd give u some fever medicine' lol. then 'u sure ur nose ain't blocked? it looked kinda bad' followed by some cough medicine when i have no hint of a cough at all. so he earned easy money from a cheap customer like me heh. but he actually offered to give two days mc and two weeks exempt from pe. somehow didn't feel too good taking that offer. will go back sch tml and pe excuse only for one week.

but i think i lost the point of my skipping of sch. still haven't done my tutorials. crap. actually felt like going to the lib or some fast food restaurant to do the stuff in the afternoon but suddenly remembered i'm supposed to be sick and resting at home lol. and am i kinda surprised the first sms came from ernest lol. maybe i should tone down all the jibes and put-downs haha. but then again, he's the easiest 'target' in class for that and only one who talk bout sth different from the common topic in class. note to myself to drop a msg for friends who didn't come to sch...

---

Inspiration to write something stemmed from a few days ago with a few verses played out in my head as i was going about. as again i never really got down to completing what i'd envisioned at the start, but at least it's something i guess...

Sometimes i get all worked up over nothing,
Or feel down at the slightest hint of things.
Getting moody out of the blue,
Then back to being cheerful without a clue.

Some days i feel invincible,
Others i am just invisible...
When i get all lonely and lost on the isle,
May i seek solace in your smile.

i'm surprised i'm still alive heh. thought i wa bound to be seriously sick for the weekends. first sign of sore throat on thurs. then slight fever on friday, coupled with the pe training from hell and reluctance to watch out for my diet it really didn't seem good. and to make matters worst, lost my bottle halfway through sch and didn't drink much water throughout the day... felt like something big was coming as i went home then...

and we still went bowling after sch on fri. and after the interminable committe meeting with qigong. spending half the ~2h in muffled giggles at the way he talks bout certain stuff, exchanging glances with the other com members whenever he says something unintentionally funny. wrong concept, as shiu hei and i like to say. oh yeah, on that, the minutes for the meeting just gotta be the funniest for any cca. where else can you find "Barbeques are unhealthy" and "some girls might not be willing to eat the cake for the fear of putting on weight" in a meeting about job scopes of the committee members? and halfway through the meeting, still remember how qigong emphasized for sze ern to write the word 'meaningless' down to describe some of the members' acts. well, expected from a teacher who would make you write "i did not finish the practical in time" on your paper or "I must leave my answers to 2 or 3 significant figures" on your tutorial in red ink. oh yeah, we might have a first aid blog up sometime soon. cool idea may ping proposed =)

okay, so back to bowling... didn't do so well this time round... averaged 116 for two games. about 4/5 closed frames... it's good to see i'm picking off at least 7/8 pins in every frame but again, consistency in closing frames and pockets... maybe i should just leave it to excuse that i'm not feeling exactly well.

and so we were walking outta grassroots. had been talking bout how i'm end up "squirming in bed, foaming, calling out for help" tomorrow when i wanted to borrow some money from aaron. then he went "since you'd be dying already, why would you need money?" "to hire a lawyer to write a will" -_-". guess it's one of those situations you gotta be there to get it. i wonder how my will will look like if i had to write it today knowing that i'd die tml...

let's see... savings and wallet to aaron. to thank him for all the countless time he lent me money. and, well, the $0.00 amount left in my savings and the empty wallet (oh, i still have $8 from the $10 i borrowed from him then) will make him understand why i'm always borrowing money from him... oh, and i might as well give him my handphone and all the other private stuff i may have for his peeping pleasure. i wonder how many times he has looked into my things without permission. runs in the sim family as i like to say

lol, aaron gets so much. zhen hao will get all my LE stuff for being as bai-chi as me to pay so much for useless stuff. bai-chi... the common chant we have whenever we find out he bought sth new at an exhorbitant price

oh well, enough of the crap. can't think of what else i might want to leave for others. and back to the topic, i'm still alive (though not kicking exactly)! good enough to continue indulging in my food, good enough to stare at my dear ol' pc's screen until my eyes kinda hurt. and yeah, it just isn't easy to rush tutorials for monday. keeping in mind i have all four tutorials. plus gp. and normally after one subject i'd be so pleased at having finished one assignment that i'm so tempted to stop. managed to hang on for one more today. but left with two tutorials hanging over my head... ugh... kinda hope i'd be sick enough to skip sch tml. as much as i don't like to miss sch. i'm being kinda schizo now i guess. double gp... BLAH...
well, enough for today then...

sometimes there are so many things i wish i dared to say. so many occasions there are these words of appreciation, apologies or whatever but the words just get choked halfway up my throat... pride? i wonder. sometimes i wish i can go up to person X and say "i really love it when you ~~~", tell person Y "you remember that time i ~~~... i'm truly sorry". Then go up to person Z and say "you know, my life just wouldn't be the same without you" or "i really appreciate it, deep down in my heart, when ~~~"

moving on to something unrelated as i always like to, i'd just like to reccount some of the things that happened during the past few days... let's see... monday... national day celebration. we watched this movie called 'singapore gaga'. well, kinda interesting i guess... a few intriguing characters (the 'national treasure' uncle and the 'hello one dollar' woman i've heard so countless numbers of times irl) and ideas (harmonica vs recorder in music education. hearing voices in our head instead of voices in the surroundings [though i don't really agree with the producer on the latter point])... oh yeah, and the starting/ending scene with the busker deserves a mention too... kinda like the song... "wasted days and wasted nights" by freddy fender i think... then we had the class picnic. which some of us prepared for at zhen xiong's house on sunday. which i probably should blog bout. but as usual, am too lazy to.

so, briefly, i decided to help out in the baking of the cookies over preparing the sandwiches and agar-agar. i just seem to have this affinity for baking, probably because of the few experiences with dad making pancakes, muffins and cakes when young and the home econs programme in zhonghua where we made pastries more than we cooked. and the experience making JAPAN heh. quite fun. enjoyed licking the 'dough' before it is baked heh. kinda like cookies and cream... and never knew cookies are soft fresh off the oven haha. screwed up some stuff (spilled a li'l flour on the table, mixed everything before they should be, etc) but it was still an enjoyable experience nonetheless. and at the end of batches after batches i was the only one left baking while the rest started wandering off when the novelty weared off. and eating while preparing food's the fun part of it too haha.

ok, so back to the picnic. the food was finished pretty fast. qigong performed some magic for us heh. but failed twice before it worked. kinda interesting to see him more laid-back then his usual self during physics lessons and first aid committee meetings. played capteh (sp) next. reminds me of the days in zh during racial harmony.

some cake later, then (ugh) fmaths makeup lecture. was originally looking forward to possibly hanging out with some friends after the celebration but turns out nothing was set. so was prepared to go home after that. then kenneth didn't have plans too (or rather, the makeup lecture spoiled his plans). i wanted to watch the island but didn't in the end. turned out the two of us and minghui and yiqin went kboxing. usually, karaoke for me means sitting down listening to other people sing for what seems like eternity before singing a song or two before the day is over. thought i sang loads this time. my songs kept getting upped lor. must have tormented the three of them with my horribly off and low singing heh. and finally found how to choose english songs. most of the time when karaoke-ing with others i'm always stuck with some oldie which i only know the chorus and sing the rest based on how much i can read off the screen (which isn't much)

okay, so that's it. on to today. played ball with lymon and ash. kinda a pity ash gotta go early. but oh well... it's always nice to meet up with the two of them.

and i think i've ranted much more than i've intended to. actually just wanted to gloss over the recounting and get to my next, unrelated point bout counting my blessings. which i have planned to blog bout since the june holidays. which will still be pushed back now cos i'm kinda lazy to continue blogging anymore. times like this i feel like i've really defeated the purpose of blogging. sooner or later i'm gonna StArT TyPiNg LiKe ThIs AnD tAlK iN tOtAlLy BiMbOtIc lAnGuAgE lIkE i'M sO gReAt aNd SuCh AnD uSe ToTaLlY iNcOmPrEhEnSiBle GrAmMaR, eTc... grr, that was real irritating... so that's all for now

Wow... i've slept so much... let's see... around 22h... whoa. no idea where there has been this prolonged bout of lethargy and sleepiness these few days. maybe it's the resolve to cut down coffee again. no more 3-in-1s. only drink it now when i'm at the library. the past few days been sleeping at 10+, a li'l earlier than normal bedtime of 12+. then yest... parents wanted to have dinner early, so joined them at bout 6.30. and after that at around 7 i felt kinda sleepy. so lazed around for a while and dozed off. woke up at 10, brushed my teeth, and prompty went back to sleep. wasn't a really peaceful sleep. it was freaking hot. so woke up occasionally to adjust the air-con temp (twice i think) and once guzzled down an entire 500ml bottle (i'm surprised i didn't wet my bed lol). only woke up at bout 2 today, had lunch, watched an episode of mar and went back to sleep til now. which is 7.30... scary... guess the national day holidays came promptly. i love this feeling of sleeping so much. well, except for the fact that i'm reeking with sweat.

sometimes i feel i ought to get more of a life. go out more, etc. but oh well, sleep's more important for now...

went bowling on fri. first game was horrible. lowest for a long time and no closed frames at all. but i liked my second and third game. closed 7 frames each. at least a 7 on the strike ball. averaged 142 for the 2. just need to find the headpin more often and string the strikes.

Mou sukoshi... Mou sukoshi... Midori no Hibi's ED song. Translated as 'a little bit more...' i think i've made numerous references to midori no hibi previously too. come to think of it, i guess it's my fave anime of all time. and behind the slapstick comedy there's the feelings that it manages to convey as well. can so identify with midori (the human sized one that is). it's always just a little more. a little bit more.

soshite kizuita toki ni kangaeteru no wa kimi no koto de...
sore ga sugoku hazukashikattari
sugoku iyadattari omoete
sore wa boku ga kimochi wo tsutaeru koto ga kowai kara de

atama de osaetsukete mo kokoro ga dousuru koto mo dekinakute
autabi ni kimi ni satorarenai youni
itsumo to kawarinai youni hanashiteru tsumori de

yoyuu mo nakute kurushiku natta boku wa
kimi ni uso wo tsuiteshimau... dakedo

mou sukoshi... mou sukoshi...
kimi no kokoro ni chikazuitara
mou sukoshi... mou sukoshi...
ima kono toki ga kienai youni

douka kamisama boku ni yuuki wo kudasai

soshite omoiagunete mo kakkou warui dake no boku de...
kimi ga dou omotteru no ga ki ni natte mo
ippo mo saki he sumanai wakatteru tsumori de

jibun jyanai you na mune no MOYAMOYA ga
itaku natte nigetakunaru... dakedo

mou sukoshi... mou sukoshi...
kimi no soba ni irareta nara
mou sukoshi... mou sukoshi...
yoru yoake nai de kureta nara
sabishii toki mo namida wo nugutte ageru kara

yozora ni ukabu kakete mo hikaru tsuki ga
tsuyoku mo narenai jishin mo nai
boku wo mite hohoenda hora ne...

mou sukoshi... mou sukoshi...
kimi no soba ni irareta nara
mou sukoshi... mou sukoshi...
yoru yoake nai de kureta nara

mou sukoshi... mou sukoshi...
kimi no kokoro ni chikazuitara
mou sukoshi... mou sukoshi...
ima kono toki ga kienai you ni

douka kamisama boku ni yuuki wo kudasai

~~~
English Translation
~~~

When I noticed I was thinking about you...
I felt very embarassed
And I really hate that feeling
That's because I'm afraid to convey my feelings

Even though I suppress it in my head I can't do anything about my heart
I don't let you notice it when we meet
So it can be normal how I plan to talk to you

To act so composed has started to hurt
Lying to you I will put away... but

A little more... A little more...
If I can get closer to your heart
A little more... A little more...
So that this moment won't end

Please God, give me courage

When I'm alone with my bad crazy thoughts
I worry about what you think of me
I'm sorry I stepped forward to try to let you know

I'm not myself, I don't like the fog around my heart
Depending on someone else makes me run away... but

A little more... A little more...
If I can get beside you
A little more... A little more...
Night does not continue once dawn comes
So wipe away your tears when you're feeling lonely

The glowing moon floats out into the heavens
I'm not stronger or more confident
See me smiling, look, OK?

A little more... A little more...
If I can get beside you
A little more... A little more...
Night does not continue once dawn comes

A little more... A little more...
If I can get closer to your heart
A little more... A little more...
So that this moment won't end

Please God, give me courage

The feel like blogging-don't feel like blogging cycle going on for the past few days, and it always lands on the latter whenever i'm in front of the pc. so quite some stuff happened. the nice... (passed 2.4 and thus napfa. silver at that ^^. finally i'm out of the thing. lol, suddenly remembered sth... for those who has not passed it yet, remember, "Soh can pass, so can u!" Jia you!) Then there's the bad (new gp teacher, gp group, gp lessons and everything gp). And the amusing and interesting but don't really fall under happy or sad (minnie mouse joining first aid. zhan seng's recent blog entry lol. was bursting out laughing truly when i read it...)

and the things start to pile up again... i'm no longer filing stuff regularly (looks at my stacks of paper at two corners of my room), physics tutorial due tml. chinese paper due today. three owed newspaper articles. written report draft. eom soon. the role thingy for first aid tml. finish tuesdays with morrie (borrowed tuesday with morrie from shiu hei for so long already. i should return soon). gp essay due on monday. argh. no way i'm gonna spend the national day holidays catching up.