Sunday, May 08, 2011
Plain "no" seems to be the hardest word...
This is something that is starting to get on my nerves. Elton John isn't right. Sorry isn't the hardest word to say; "No" is (though I guess sorry will probably rank right up there.) But to borrow a line from him, it's getting more and more absurd indeed.
Sure, being said no to isn't the nicest feeling in the world, but not hearing it outright when that is clearly the answer is a sin so much worse in my book. It's one thing to be apologetic because one does not agree with or is unable to accept another's proposition. However, avoiding the word totally seems to me like a big moral cop out: we feel better because we have not outright rejected the other person and so he/she doesn't feel the impact of the word "no." I think anyone who even applies a tiny bit of rationality can see the poor logical reasoning behind this train of thought.
It seems a little contradictory but I'm actually for the white lie. Very important to the use of the white lie, however, is that it must be constructed so that the other party should never find out about it. Or if they do, they are only to discover the truth when the truth no longer matter. If that isn't done (which, unfortunately, is often the case) then it isn't a white lie; it is simply a lie used to delay the inevitable.
I wonder if the spread of Facebook has anything to do with the seeming prevalence of people not saying "no" outright or is it simply something that has pervaded us throughout history. On Facebook, the "Maybe" option is one of the worst things ever. I can see instances when "Maybe" is actually appropriate but I think not many will disagree with me that of all the "Maybe"s you see out there on Facebook events probably a huge majority isn't really "Maybe": they're simply a nicer way to say "no."
But no, maybe is not a nicer way to say no. I don't know if it's plain cynicism or if I'm really getting good at reading not what is said/done but what the actual intention behind why someone acts a certain way. But there's simply too many times that I see people hemming and hawing when answering a yes/no question. The answer is clear, but even after struggling for a few seconds what comes out isn't a straight "no"; it is often a reason (or excuse) that surfaces. Of course, there are times where the reason offered is perfectly reasonable.
However, more often than not, it seems to me that the reason offered just a convenient way out for the mind. The more psychological experiments and their findings I read about, the more it seems to me that reason is often a slave for our emotional mind, a tool to make sense of what we do, a tool to eliminate seemingly contradictory facts. The reasons that often come out of people when they simply want to say no often reeks of this. Sometimes, it seems to me that the reason isn't so much for the person they are rejecting. It is more for themselves actually, a reason to convince themselves why they have to say no to another person. A reason to "harm" the other person (in the sense that it doesn't feel good to hear no.)
At this day and age, I will like to think that we should need no reason to say no (of course one will always have a reason to say no, but I mean there's no need to offer a reason to say no. Man, am I starting to talk in riddles.) After all, this is about taking control and responsibility of your own life.
Perhaps social pleasantries may dictate that it is impolite to just say a curt "no." However, I do believe that "no", followed by a reason should be a much better approach than leaving the other party to infer the answer. And to people I consider friends, I think that this faux apology to saying no is just sad, so sad. I may not agree with some of the reasons and as I've said so many times, it doesn't feel to hear it. However, as a friend, I will fully respect the decision. I find the need to "sugar-coat" the truth especially abhorrent: does it look like I won't understand or I can't take the truth?
On reflection, I have definitely fallen into this trap of failing to say no. To all my friends who may have been at the end of that, I sincerely apologize. Hopefully next time I'd learn to man up and actually have the guts to cut the chase and get to the point. Introspection can be such a humbling experience at times but hopefully we'd all become better persons for it.
Sure, being said no to isn't the nicest feeling in the world, but not hearing it outright when that is clearly the answer is a sin so much worse in my book. It's one thing to be apologetic because one does not agree with or is unable to accept another's proposition. However, avoiding the word totally seems to me like a big moral cop out: we feel better because we have not outright rejected the other person and so he/she doesn't feel the impact of the word "no." I think anyone who even applies a tiny bit of rationality can see the poor logical reasoning behind this train of thought.
It seems a little contradictory but I'm actually for the white lie. Very important to the use of the white lie, however, is that it must be constructed so that the other party should never find out about it. Or if they do, they are only to discover the truth when the truth no longer matter. If that isn't done (which, unfortunately, is often the case) then it isn't a white lie; it is simply a lie used to delay the inevitable.
I wonder if the spread of Facebook has anything to do with the seeming prevalence of people not saying "no" outright or is it simply something that has pervaded us throughout history. On Facebook, the "Maybe" option is one of the worst things ever. I can see instances when "Maybe" is actually appropriate but I think not many will disagree with me that of all the "Maybe"s you see out there on Facebook events probably a huge majority isn't really "Maybe": they're simply a nicer way to say "no."
But no, maybe is not a nicer way to say no. I don't know if it's plain cynicism or if I'm really getting good at reading not what is said/done but what the actual intention behind why someone acts a certain way. But there's simply too many times that I see people hemming and hawing when answering a yes/no question. The answer is clear, but even after struggling for a few seconds what comes out isn't a straight "no"; it is often a reason (or excuse) that surfaces. Of course, there are times where the reason offered is perfectly reasonable.
However, more often than not, it seems to me that the reason offered just a convenient way out for the mind. The more psychological experiments and their findings I read about, the more it seems to me that reason is often a slave for our emotional mind, a tool to make sense of what we do, a tool to eliminate seemingly contradictory facts. The reasons that often come out of people when they simply want to say no often reeks of this. Sometimes, it seems to me that the reason isn't so much for the person they are rejecting. It is more for themselves actually, a reason to convince themselves why they have to say no to another person. A reason to "harm" the other person (in the sense that it doesn't feel good to hear no.)
At this day and age, I will like to think that we should need no reason to say no (of course one will always have a reason to say no, but I mean there's no need to offer a reason to say no. Man, am I starting to talk in riddles.) After all, this is about taking control and responsibility of your own life.
Perhaps social pleasantries may dictate that it is impolite to just say a curt "no." However, I do believe that "no", followed by a reason should be a much better approach than leaving the other party to infer the answer. And to people I consider friends, I think that this faux apology to saying no is just sad, so sad. I may not agree with some of the reasons and as I've said so many times, it doesn't feel to hear it. However, as a friend, I will fully respect the decision. I find the need to "sugar-coat" the truth especially abhorrent: does it look like I won't understand or I can't take the truth?
On reflection, I have definitely fallen into this trap of failing to say no. To all my friends who may have been at the end of that, I sincerely apologize. Hopefully next time I'd learn to man up and actually have the guts to cut the chase and get to the point. Introspection can be such a humbling experience at times but hopefully we'd all become better persons for it.
