Friday, May 20, 2005
Door slammed shut
Hasn't been a good week has it? monday, found out tt my pi final draft was rejected yet again. 5th time i think, in addition to the additional 4/5 ideas that didn't work out either and the dozens and hundreds of ideas when thinking of a possible one...
then tuesday failed the 2.4 retest. again. 6 seconds... bleh... it was like a shock after tt... denial in face of the realisation... i was still trying to come up with all sorts of excuses why it happened but deep down i knew i was just not up to it. i am weak. i just didn't put in the determination. i just didn't have the will to train... i saw terence and ash put in the effort before and they did work out. but somehow i just couldn't muster e effort... or am unwilling to do tt. it's like i don't want to be a successful person at all, at least not how many pple see it. i don't need, don't want to be the best in everything... i'm just not a competitive person... it's nice to win, sure, but i don't see myself ever going blindly for just achievement. i'm just comfortable going about life at my own pace, putting in effort for things i like and get through for everything else. and for tt i don't expect much in return, a fair deal if you ask me. but seems like this is not gonna work in this world. i'd just have to find a way to fire up myself though i know i've found quite some trouble doing tt in the past... the only time i'm close to really putting in my full effort for something was for the o levels but even then it started to wane after the prelims... so i'd just have to come trotting back to sch during the holidays for the remedial i guess... gonna be hell but well, i asked for it. i've been unwilling to do something about the fact tt i'm weak so i shall be pushed then
double whammy... i just wanted to hit and lash out at everything then. and think i whined a big load. sorry to aaron and zhenhao for all tt. read some stuff bout some guy commenting on the growing number of whiners out there. i wonder if i fit tt description. maybe i should do sth to tone it down, but then again i fine with the way i am, at least for now. i think i complain too much sometimes i guess, but i just don't see it fit to laugh it off when i'm unhappy and bottle it all inside myself... and on the topic of bottling emotions, read an interesting article in time mag on how the female and male brain work. no one's sure bout anything but was nice to know bout this sort of stuff. the part of bio i like haha.
wednesday went to watch kingdom of heaven. never have much affinity for war movies but i liked this... can't really explain why when shiu hei started asking bout how i felt bout the movie and saying he don't like this type of movies. neither do i, but... again the futility of war... i just don't get it. it's just so worthless but still it's very much existent in our world. if only there's no need for armies... how good would tt be. and to think i'd be in ns in 2 years time, maybe even less. i hope i won't live to see war first hand. i still can't imagine myself in the battlefield fighting... i don't think i have what it takes to kill anyone, tt is if i can even do it tt is. and i don't really get those soldiers all hyped up for war and such. maybe it's cos i don't pride pride enough, guess i'm too willing to compromise most of the time. what's so bad about sacrificing a li'l within limits. and don't see the glory in sacrificing yourelf for the country etc. oh well, tt's just me. i still dunno why i think it's a good movie given how i detest war, but tt's how i think
back to pw and pe at least pi's over. idea not checked by teacher at all but i'm just happy to get over tt. and will just have to accept pe during june, train and be fitter. long weekend to take a big rest. sian, gpp and gp thingy bout homos but oh well. at the back of my mind for now
then tuesday failed the 2.4 retest. again. 6 seconds... bleh... it was like a shock after tt... denial in face of the realisation... i was still trying to come up with all sorts of excuses why it happened but deep down i knew i was just not up to it. i am weak. i just didn't put in the determination. i just didn't have the will to train... i saw terence and ash put in the effort before and they did work out. but somehow i just couldn't muster e effort... or am unwilling to do tt. it's like i don't want to be a successful person at all, at least not how many pple see it. i don't need, don't want to be the best in everything... i'm just not a competitive person... it's nice to win, sure, but i don't see myself ever going blindly for just achievement. i'm just comfortable going about life at my own pace, putting in effort for things i like and get through for everything else. and for tt i don't expect much in return, a fair deal if you ask me. but seems like this is not gonna work in this world. i'd just have to find a way to fire up myself though i know i've found quite some trouble doing tt in the past... the only time i'm close to really putting in my full effort for something was for the o levels but even then it started to wane after the prelims... so i'd just have to come trotting back to sch during the holidays for the remedial i guess... gonna be hell but well, i asked for it. i've been unwilling to do something about the fact tt i'm weak so i shall be pushed then
double whammy... i just wanted to hit and lash out at everything then. and think i whined a big load. sorry to aaron and zhenhao for all tt. read some stuff bout some guy commenting on the growing number of whiners out there. i wonder if i fit tt description. maybe i should do sth to tone it down, but then again i fine with the way i am, at least for now. i think i complain too much sometimes i guess, but i just don't see it fit to laugh it off when i'm unhappy and bottle it all inside myself... and on the topic of bottling emotions, read an interesting article in time mag on how the female and male brain work. no one's sure bout anything but was nice to know bout this sort of stuff. the part of bio i like haha.
wednesday went to watch kingdom of heaven. never have much affinity for war movies but i liked this... can't really explain why when shiu hei started asking bout how i felt bout the movie and saying he don't like this type of movies. neither do i, but... again the futility of war... i just don't get it. it's just so worthless but still it's very much existent in our world. if only there's no need for armies... how good would tt be. and to think i'd be in ns in 2 years time, maybe even less. i hope i won't live to see war first hand. i still can't imagine myself in the battlefield fighting... i don't think i have what it takes to kill anyone, tt is if i can even do it tt is. and i don't really get those soldiers all hyped up for war and such. maybe it's cos i don't pride pride enough, guess i'm too willing to compromise most of the time. what's so bad about sacrificing a li'l within limits. and don't see the glory in sacrificing yourelf for the country etc. oh well, tt's just me. i still dunno why i think it's a good movie given how i detest war, but tt's how i think
back to pw and pe at least pi's over. idea not checked by teacher at all but i'm just happy to get over tt. and will just have to accept pe during june, train and be fitter. long weekend to take a big rest. sian, gpp and gp thingy bout homos but oh well. at the back of my mind for now
