Wednesday, September 08, 2004
Lots of thoughts...
definitely not a good day today... early in the morning was feeling pissed for not much reason with my mom for trying to wake me up prematurely and reminding me of the time (i really shouldn't, but...), then had to endure those horrible, accursed, good-for-nothing smokers (if there's anything i hate most it's most prob smokers who smoke in public) on the way to school. nose wasn't feeling too well already and for god's sake we had to use 4e6, chalk-filled with dust and dirt all over. so, there my whole day was, down with a runny nose cos of my sensitive nose.
so, had to skip studying in the library for today and couldn't even bring myself to play a few games at home. no reason y, but started reading some other people's blogs and their archives and, well, gotta say it really made me think.
as usual, i was made to think bout my past few years in zhonghua and during the initial part of the archives, my feelings were those of disappointment... disappointment with myself for making my life such a rout it is. i got my priorities wrong, but that's all right. i failed terribly in the bball team despite thinking i've showed some promise initially, but again, that's fine with me. i didn't shoulder much responsibility, but yet again that's alrite. i've expressed it in one of the previous blogs, and really, i hated my social life.
y izit that i have yet to find a true friend, one i can really trust and confide all my most private secrets to, one i can bank on being there when i'm down, ready to help me along. (jun liang's been a gd friend, but somehow, the last part juz isn't there. i'm more comfortable babbling along with him instead of pouring out my troubles and such)? why izit my relationships with so many people around me all end up so shallow and meaningless?
somehow, something juz doesn't click. ashleigh and terence come close sometimes, but there's still a long way to go. ashleigh can be a really good friend when he's serious and frank, but 95% of the time he is juz up to his tricks and can be sometimes annoying. terence occasionally seem like it too, but more often it's his random insanity and 'noob/pwn' way of thinking. i'm rather comfortable around zhiliang, vinnie, eric, aaron, likkhian and some other guys too, but again, the interaction juz seem more like passing acquantances. they've been good friends, i'd say, but not the true one i've been looking 4.
sometimes i really need that someone for me to release all those thoughts i've always held next to my heart. someone who can reassure me when i'm down and share my joys and sorrow along the way. someone i dun feel obliged to be what i'm not. someone who'd accept me as i am. a true friend and a true love, along with a comfortable life together with my love is all i hope for, and i'd happily die in bliss if i get to experience that in my life. i dun mind things going against me if i can go to sleep everyday knowing that this woman i truly love will always be beside me, supporting me all the way (of course, and a true friend too)...
I guess i'm not making too much sense, but i'm not too good with words, especially feelings, so bare with it.
the other thing i truly regret is the inability to find a true mentor. when i look back at my teachers and even my bball coach, somehow i regret that no one has been willing to take me under their wing and really try develop me to my fullest. they've mostly been more than good, excellent even, but sometimes u juz need that special someone.
i've never struggled with my studies, so teachers think i'm fine on my own i guess, but sometimes i kinda wish someone will be more than a teacher, advise me on things more than studies, give me earnest, frank opinions and suggestions, and generally be a guiding light for me, motivating me to be my best. somehow it always seem that the teachers seem more comfortable being mentors to the girls (though it might juz be a typical case where everyone else seem so much better than urself).
the same kinda goes for my bball coach. mentioned bout him a few times already, but i wanna make it clear again that i respect him a lot and still think that he's a very good coach. he's a responsible guy, humorous at times and have led the team to great achivements so all credit to him. however, as so often the case, i always feel sad that he could not be that fabulous, fantastic coach for me.
i dun like this, but i wanna feel important, wanna feel that i'm of value and can contribute something special to the team, school or whatever i'm in. i've had no prob with that in kebun bahru, but in the bball team sometimes i think that if the coach could make me feel that way i might juz break into the team. there have been a few times i wanna go up to him and ask him to give a frank assessment of myself but i've always not done so, so well... i really dunno how to express them in words, so let's juz leave it as it.
now, i have come to a decision that i WILL CONFORM. i've followed pple's suggestion of not doing so, going to zhonghua, joining the bball team, or juz going bout my way of life but this seem to have a bad effect socially especially given my poor social skills. so this time's exam i'm gonna work hard to try get good results juz to prove to myself that i can do it if i put my heart to it but choose my jc base on my friends. doesn't sound too good, but i believe that's the best for me. i dun expect the jc i join to revolve round me and go out of it's way to make myself accepted so i gotta do things myself. i've promised myself that i will not allow myself to continue my horrible lifestyle and attitude in jc and i believe conforming might be one of the methods that might work. i dun wanna start all over again like i've done in zhonghua only to find myself still lacking so much. i still hope to find that true friend and special someone, and i guess jc and uni might be the last chances left for me.
speaking of results, i now see the another side of how pple feel bout results and such. i'm more laid back in the sense that i dun really put so much emphasis on results and being the best, and it did surprise me a li'l while i'm reading the blogs that some pple do care a lot bout their studies. they wanna excel and prove that they are capable and better than others.
for three and a half years in zhonghua i have really slacked and i'm rather fortunate to not have to struggle. but now, i wanna work hard and get my results juz to prove to myself and get some self confidence booster. it's kinda like telling urself u can be the best if u do it. after that, if i do do well (hopefully so) i guess it'd be back to slacking and 'pass-will-do-fine' mentality for me.
i've always believe in hard work paying off and i hope to see it. but that brings me to the debate. while other pple have said bout bronte being on our best during our debate with alcott, i feel that i have given off my best during the finals and i have no regrets with it. i'm kinda disappinted, really, that the judges didn't think so and i had quite some criticisms from them. i thought i really showed up then and put up the best i could have. it's a gd experience somehow despite losing and being given the honour of 'second-worst speaker' on stage, i felt i have the ability to really perform during the critical moment. so, no regrets for me...
really, i dunno wat i'm typing right now... it's been super long, full of rants not exactly worded to what i think but i actually still have more to say.
the second part of reading ****'s blog brought me to assess myself. i have thought that i have not shirked responsibility when it's there but seems like different pple had different views. i had not factored in how much more some other pple did. hmmm... i promise myself, come this dec holidays, i'm gonna do my part in whatever 2e7-02 and 4e1 is planning. i will assume greater responsibility and i do not want to let anyone down. juz let that be a possible final hurray for everyone... i'm almost surely not going for prom, so i'm banking everything on the possible chalets.
linking again, it's now on 2e7, i class i truly hated to the core. i really detested the attitude (bo chap, self centered, individualistic), learning spirit (nobody asking or answering questions in class, being horrible 'dead', scorning more 'enthusiatic' people who ask questions like me) and everything bout it. everything except the pple who r a pretty gd bunch. it's juz too bad we got placed in the same class and under a teacher like zhang who totally spoiled everything. i thought the seating arrangement she had was the worst thing on earth, totally spoiling any little hope of class interaction with teachers.
i especially loathed my place... izyana, daphne and kelvin soo are a li'l too quiet for a shy and 'man-of-not-so-many-words' person like me to engage in extended conversation, ying hui is too dreamy and bee fang... (let's not talk bout it). at least when yan da came over we juz engaged in mindless banter the whole day. not the best, but at least it spared me from all the coop up i've got from sitting at that accursed place.
and my, come exam time the attitude is the most atrocious i've seen. combine zhihao, hongyi and co and you have memory fest the morning before a test/exam. this is definitely not the way to study imo and i really hated it. these times i would juz walk off and take a stroll, thinking bout things but turns out many pple thinks it's 'act sei' (well, according to ashleigh, and he said it in a pretty honest and frank tone... at least if terence said that i wouldn't have mind)...
ahhh, i'm going nowhere... juz gonna end off this obscenely huge entry... i thought it'd be a li'l more thoughtful given how i've thought over it but these things juz dun translate into words i guess... hmmm....
so, had to skip studying in the library for today and couldn't even bring myself to play a few games at home. no reason y, but started reading some other people's blogs and their archives and, well, gotta say it really made me think.
as usual, i was made to think bout my past few years in zhonghua and during the initial part of the archives, my feelings were those of disappointment... disappointment with myself for making my life such a rout it is. i got my priorities wrong, but that's all right. i failed terribly in the bball team despite thinking i've showed some promise initially, but again, that's fine with me. i didn't shoulder much responsibility, but yet again that's alrite. i've expressed it in one of the previous blogs, and really, i hated my social life.
y izit that i have yet to find a true friend, one i can really trust and confide all my most private secrets to, one i can bank on being there when i'm down, ready to help me along. (jun liang's been a gd friend, but somehow, the last part juz isn't there. i'm more comfortable babbling along with him instead of pouring out my troubles and such)? why izit my relationships with so many people around me all end up so shallow and meaningless?
somehow, something juz doesn't click. ashleigh and terence come close sometimes, but there's still a long way to go. ashleigh can be a really good friend when he's serious and frank, but 95% of the time he is juz up to his tricks and can be sometimes annoying. terence occasionally seem like it too, but more often it's his random insanity and 'noob/pwn' way of thinking. i'm rather comfortable around zhiliang, vinnie, eric, aaron, likkhian and some other guys too, but again, the interaction juz seem more like passing acquantances. they've been good friends, i'd say, but not the true one i've been looking 4.
sometimes i really need that someone for me to release all those thoughts i've always held next to my heart. someone who can reassure me when i'm down and share my joys and sorrow along the way. someone i dun feel obliged to be what i'm not. someone who'd accept me as i am. a true friend and a true love, along with a comfortable life together with my love is all i hope for, and i'd happily die in bliss if i get to experience that in my life. i dun mind things going against me if i can go to sleep everyday knowing that this woman i truly love will always be beside me, supporting me all the way (of course, and a true friend too)...
I guess i'm not making too much sense, but i'm not too good with words, especially feelings, so bare with it.
the other thing i truly regret is the inability to find a true mentor. when i look back at my teachers and even my bball coach, somehow i regret that no one has been willing to take me under their wing and really try develop me to my fullest. they've mostly been more than good, excellent even, but sometimes u juz need that special someone.
i've never struggled with my studies, so teachers think i'm fine on my own i guess, but sometimes i kinda wish someone will be more than a teacher, advise me on things more than studies, give me earnest, frank opinions and suggestions, and generally be a guiding light for me, motivating me to be my best. somehow it always seem that the teachers seem more comfortable being mentors to the girls (though it might juz be a typical case where everyone else seem so much better than urself).
the same kinda goes for my bball coach. mentioned bout him a few times already, but i wanna make it clear again that i respect him a lot and still think that he's a very good coach. he's a responsible guy, humorous at times and have led the team to great achivements so all credit to him. however, as so often the case, i always feel sad that he could not be that fabulous, fantastic coach for me.
i dun like this, but i wanna feel important, wanna feel that i'm of value and can contribute something special to the team, school or whatever i'm in. i've had no prob with that in kebun bahru, but in the bball team sometimes i think that if the coach could make me feel that way i might juz break into the team. there have been a few times i wanna go up to him and ask him to give a frank assessment of myself but i've always not done so, so well... i really dunno how to express them in words, so let's juz leave it as it.
now, i have come to a decision that i WILL CONFORM. i've followed pple's suggestion of not doing so, going to zhonghua, joining the bball team, or juz going bout my way of life but this seem to have a bad effect socially especially given my poor social skills. so this time's exam i'm gonna work hard to try get good results juz to prove to myself that i can do it if i put my heart to it but choose my jc base on my friends. doesn't sound too good, but i believe that's the best for me. i dun expect the jc i join to revolve round me and go out of it's way to make myself accepted so i gotta do things myself. i've promised myself that i will not allow myself to continue my horrible lifestyle and attitude in jc and i believe conforming might be one of the methods that might work. i dun wanna start all over again like i've done in zhonghua only to find myself still lacking so much. i still hope to find that true friend and special someone, and i guess jc and uni might be the last chances left for me.
speaking of results, i now see the another side of how pple feel bout results and such. i'm more laid back in the sense that i dun really put so much emphasis on results and being the best, and it did surprise me a li'l while i'm reading the blogs that some pple do care a lot bout their studies. they wanna excel and prove that they are capable and better than others.
for three and a half years in zhonghua i have really slacked and i'm rather fortunate to not have to struggle. but now, i wanna work hard and get my results juz to prove to myself and get some self confidence booster. it's kinda like telling urself u can be the best if u do it. after that, if i do do well (hopefully so) i guess it'd be back to slacking and 'pass-will-do-fine' mentality for me.
i've always believe in hard work paying off and i hope to see it. but that brings me to the debate. while other pple have said bout bronte being on our best during our debate with alcott, i feel that i have given off my best during the finals and i have no regrets with it. i'm kinda disappinted, really, that the judges didn't think so and i had quite some criticisms from them. i thought i really showed up then and put up the best i could have. it's a gd experience somehow despite losing and being given the honour of 'second-worst speaker' on stage, i felt i have the ability to really perform during the critical moment. so, no regrets for me...
really, i dunno wat i'm typing right now... it's been super long, full of rants not exactly worded to what i think but i actually still have more to say.
the second part of reading ****'s blog brought me to assess myself. i have thought that i have not shirked responsibility when it's there but seems like different pple had different views. i had not factored in how much more some other pple did. hmmm... i promise myself, come this dec holidays, i'm gonna do my part in whatever 2e7-02 and 4e1 is planning. i will assume greater responsibility and i do not want to let anyone down. juz let that be a possible final hurray for everyone... i'm almost surely not going for prom, so i'm banking everything on the possible chalets.
linking again, it's now on 2e7, i class i truly hated to the core. i really detested the attitude (bo chap, self centered, individualistic), learning spirit (nobody asking or answering questions in class, being horrible 'dead', scorning more 'enthusiatic' people who ask questions like me)
i especially loathed my place... izyana, daphne and kelvin soo are a li'l too quiet for a shy and 'man-of-not-so-many-words' person like me to engage in extended conversation, ying hui is too dreamy and bee fang... (let's not talk bout it). at least when yan da came over we juz engaged in mindless banter the whole day. not the best, but at least it spared me from all the coop up i've got from sitting at that accursed place.
and my, come exam time the attitude is the most atrocious i've seen. combine zhihao, hongyi and co and you have memory fest the morning before a test/exam. this is definitely not the way to study imo and i really hated it. these times i would juz walk off and take a stroll, thinking bout things but turns out many pple thinks it's 'act sei' (well, according to ashleigh, and he said it in a pretty honest and frank tone... at least if terence said that i wouldn't have mind)...
ahhh, i'm going nowhere... juz gonna end off this obscenely huge entry... i thought it'd be a li'l more thoughtful given how i've thought over it but these things juz dun translate into words i guess... hmmm....
