The simpler life...

"If"

2012-01-25T00:50:00.003+08:00

Poems have never been my kind of thing. It's kind of interesting how I even came about this particular one: it must have been ten years ago or so when I was learning how to touch-type and this was one of the text for the "tests".

It's stuck with me ever since. The "Triumph and Disaster" verse is probably the most popular and the only one I've seen quoted in the general media (which is also what prompted this rare post) but my favorite has to be "If you can dream - and not make dreams your master; If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;" It's probably my go-to "quotes" when asked for one somewhere, but it has been some time since it last came into my thoughts. It's still as impactful every read, and this period of time is a good one to revisit it. It's more for myself than for anyone out there (as with almost all posts), but I present, the patiently typed out

"If" by Rudyard Kipling

---

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired of waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give in to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap by fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build'em with worn-out tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings,
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings - nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!

2am musings

2011-09-21T01:45:00.002+08:00

More and more often I've been thinking of moving out, finding a place to stay by myself or just with some good, close friends.

It's not like I do not like my own home as it is (I do like it, and as much as a chore staying at Woodlands is in terms of travel it isn't that bad.) Nor is it to get away from my parents; I do love them as they are and certainly don't mind staying together with them. It's just a feeling to want to move out that won't go away...

It's probably because of the good times overseas, be it in the dorm in Austin, the awesome 4-room apartment in Urbana, hotels or hostels. And because I consume most of my media from the US, knowing their culture where the kids are simply expected to move out come college time.

I doubt if it will happen anytime soon, though, what with the prices of houses in Singapore. That, and I doubt my other friends will share the sentiment so it will have to be a studio apartment somewhere.

(OK, I've finished my rant and I'm not getting to any larger point of discussion that I thought I will go on to.)

----

On a completely unrelated note, staying up late at the 24h Macs is pretty relaxing/fun/interesting (now if only a good 24h cafe will open near my place.) There's my laptop to keep me amused amidst some light mugging. There's this man at the table to my right in work wear sleeping slouched over the table; I wonder why he is here, if taking a nap here is intentional or not. There's a group of girls with some notes laid out on their table; it seems like they are here to study but I doubt they are getting anything done. There's a guy reading a magazine behind me, an old uncle drinking what mcdonald's claim to be coffee chatting with a teenager, a middle-aged guy scribbling on some piece of paper, presumably work. People watching can be interesting sometimes; I'm glad I live in the city.

Yes, I'm wide awake at 2am and will probably only call it a day at 3 or 4. If only real life isn't so biased towards the morning person. I'm glad it's the holidays, even if just for a week.

The problem with the world

2011-08-11T22:07:00.002+08:00

Person A is good at making bread essentially worth $2. Person B is good at making cheese, worth $2. Working together, they can make pizza, worth a whopping $10. Unfortunately, pizza is never made. Person A thinks bread is the more essential part of a pizza and wants a bigger share of the $10 than person B.

Our solution? Person C comes in, pays both of them $2.01 each to make bread and cheese, sells the pizza and pockets the profit. All in the name of leadership!

(P.S. Not the best analogy but just an avenue for a short tirade against the world's "leaders" for our dire economic situation worldwide. Business and banking as the backbone of our economies just ain't cutting it when it is actual goods and services that are the things that can be regarded as intrinsically good. We need a fundamental change of opinion on worth and remuneration of certain activities but can the common man see all this injustice that's masked as "how things work"? )

Plain "no" seems to be the hardest word...

2011-05-08T12:35:00.003+08:00

This is something that is starting to get on my nerves. Elton John isn't right. Sorry isn't the hardest word to say; "No" is (though I guess sorry will probably rank right up there.) But to borrow a line from him, it's getting more and more absurd indeed.

Sure, being said no to isn't the nicest feeling in the world, but not hearing it outright when that is clearly the answer is a sin so much worse in my book. It's one thing to be apologetic because one does not agree with or is unable to accept another's proposition. However, avoiding the word totally seems to me like a big moral cop out: we feel better because we have not outright rejected the other person and so he/she doesn't feel the impact of the word "no." I think anyone who even applies a tiny bit of rationality can see the poor logical reasoning behind this train of thought.

It seems a little contradictory but I'm actually for the white lie. Very important to the use of the white lie, however, is that it must be constructed so that the other party should never find out about it. Or if they do, they are only to discover the truth when the truth no longer matter. If that isn't done (which, unfortunately, is often the case) then it isn't a white lie; it is simply a lie used to delay the inevitable.

I wonder if the spread of Facebook has anything to do with the seeming prevalence of people not saying "no" outright or is it simply something that has pervaded us throughout history. On Facebook, the "Maybe" option is one of the worst things ever. I can see instances when "Maybe" is actually appropriate but I think not many will disagree with me that of all the "Maybe"s you see out there on Facebook events probably a huge majority isn't really "Maybe": they're simply a nicer way to say "no."

But no, maybe is not a nicer way to say no. I don't know if it's plain cynicism or if I'm really getting good at reading not what is said/done but what the actual intention behind why someone acts a certain way. But there's simply too many times that I see people hemming and hawing when answering a yes/no question. The answer is clear, but even after struggling for a few seconds what comes out isn't a straight "no"; it is often a reason (or excuse) that surfaces. Of course, there are times where the reason offered is perfectly reasonable.

However, more often than not, it seems to me that the reason offered just a convenient way out for the mind. The more psychological experiments and their findings I read about, the more it seems to me that reason is often a slave for our emotional mind, a tool to make sense of what we do, a tool to eliminate seemingly contradictory facts. The reasons that often come out of people when they simply want to say no often reeks of this. Sometimes, it seems to me that the reason isn't so much for the person they are rejecting. It is more for themselves actually, a reason to convince themselves why they have to say no to another person. A reason to "harm" the other person (in the sense that it doesn't feel good to hear no.)

At this day and age, I will like to think that we should need no reason to say no (of course one will always have a reason to say no, but I mean there's no need to offer a reason to say no. Man, am I starting to talk in riddles.) After all, this is about taking control and responsibility of your own life.

Perhaps social pleasantries may dictate that it is impolite to just say a curt "no." However, I do believe that "no", followed by a reason should be a much better approach than leaving the other party to infer the answer. And to people I consider friends, I think that this faux apology to saying no is just sad, so sad. I may not agree with some of the reasons and as I've said so many times, it doesn't feel to hear it. However, as a friend, I will fully respect the decision. I find the need to "sugar-coat" the truth especially abhorrent: does it look like I won't understand or I can't take the truth?

On reflection, I have definitely fallen into this trap of failing to say no. To all my friends who may have been at the end of that, I sincerely apologize. Hopefully next time I'd learn to man up and actually have the guts to cut the chase and get to the point. Introspection can be such a humbling experience at times but hopefully we'd all become better persons for it.

Dealing with ineptitude

2011-04-16T10:20:00.002+08:00

You know, I really need to get past my aversion to being even remotely associated with inept people, people who make bad decisions time after time, people who don't have the will of power to have an opinion and stick to it, people who can't even chart their own destinies...

After all, think of all the great leaders, good or evil. They do associate themselves with capable people, but what really determines if they make it on the big stage is how the work the average person, the masses fraught with human frailties, too ignorant to even be aware of their own weaknesses. Call it persuasion, manipulation or what you like; it's sad that the fate of the capable man lies in the hands of the incapable.

(There are just way too many examples, positive or negative about this. There is the death of Socrates, the perfect example of someone so capable but yet killed by the masses. On the flip side, there is Hitler (he has done terrible things but you have to admit there is something about his stunning rise to power) and in our local context LKY (it isn't my intention to link him to Hitler here. As much as I believe there are some things he could have done better I must concede that he was freaking darn capable at what he does. And am I glad he is 'good' in the conventional sense or we might be living like the North Koreans)

That said, I have no desire to lead or succeed in the conventional sense. Leave that be better people. I might have some ideals but I lack way too much will to get things through. Nevertheless, it's time not to let those people hold me down. This sem, more and more, I'm getting into the idea of Nietzsche's moral philosophies. Why should exceptional people be bound to common morality? Perhaps, when some people cannot make the right choices/opinions by themselves perhaps their opinions and choices shouldn't be respected. Hopefully I'd learn to put that into action some day

Told you so?

2011-03-28T07:22:00.003+08:00

Life needs less "I've told you so" moments... I still remember quite a while back ash lamenting about this but man has it caught up with me these days (oh the irony). But I don't wanna turn this into a ranting session. Rather, the crux is how should we deal with such situations?

The problem is: you've seen this sort of situation before and just know how it's all going to turn out. But the other party hasn't. Some try to talk/force the other out of it (a simple example will be that of pulling a child's hand away from a boiling kettle). But my qualm with this is, that we all learn from mistakes. Or at least we learn from mistake a thousand times better than from fear or persuasion or reason. So who are we to take away this vital learning experience? After all, we probably learnt it the hard way back in the day.

<< on a digression, I will actually let the child touch the boiling kettle. Sure, I will warn him before that it will hurt and you'd be burnt but who's to stop curiosity from taking over. And deep down, I hope every child actually go out and touch it (or does not touch it because they've seen some other person got burnt). Why should anyone just follow a blind order not to? (I guess many will be really glad I envision myself having children. Not as far as I can see at least) Following orders out of fear is just leaving your life in other people's hands. It's unfortunate/fortunate (depends on your point of view) how fear is so effective, but that is a discussion to be left for another blog post (if I even get around to that at all) >>

Ok, so back to point (I guess digressions are my favorite part of blogging. Explains all these brackets in anything I type. That's how our minds work, though, isn't is?) So back to what one should do in the face of "told you so" moments. I really do not know. I guess if I knew I wouldn't be here dissecting things. And as with human nature I'd start with myself: what I have been doing for now. I'd subtly urge what I feel should be right. But never directly, I wonder why. Is it because I simply fear confrontation and offending others? Or is it 'cos I know, deep down, that reasoning probably doesn't work (or when it does, it doesn't feel nice)? Or am I hopeful that this will be one of those moments where things will actually work out just fine? Such is the problem of the human psyche. Even when using yourself as the "test subject" we still can't figure it out at times. What more attempts to decipher others...

And then comes the moment that was all but inevitable. Those moments are never nice but it is so much worse for the person who knew it all from the beginning. We'd do without these times of vindication thank you very much. More than just the terrible feeling from the situation there's the extra kick that you didn't and couldn't stop it. Maybe, if you were someone with the force of will you could have prevented the situation. But, back to the point from the start, if that was the case, will you have relegated the other person to a "lesser" person by denying his chance of free will. If there is a god (and you know my stand on this) he must be a really miserable one.

Man. So as with every other blog post from oh-so-long-ago to now this didn't turn out like I wanted it to. I guess as much as I didn't want to rant I've turned it into one anyway. It's just so tough to do a good analysis when there's so many other "backstories" to tell before the points I wanna make make sense. Maybe that's why I have never been very good at communicating. And communicating is probably one of the few things I still do not want to treat as a science. The power of rational analysis to almost everything and anything in life has let me become a much better person (I think). But with every bit of analysis sometimes I wonder if I'm becoming less human (in the social sense). So much for the fact that we humans are different from the other animals precisely because of our brain's capability to reason. (Read an interesting book, "How We Decide" which acknowledges this but frames an argument that we are human because we feel more).

So I guess that's it. Blogging is definitely something I want to do more often, but it's always so tough. I've got the things to talk about, but putting them to words is always so, so tough. The ethics course I've been taking here has been really interesting (I still have my qualms with it but am I glad I'm taking it here rather than in NUS despite all the workload and problems). Maybe all the writing we've been forced to do can help me write better, communicate better. And maybe I'd come here more often and be able to put what I am thinking down. Nothing sharpens an idea more than changing it from its abstract form to something else. Hopefully the next time I'd have something nicer to talk about

Because Maybe...

2010-09-06T20:10:00.003+08:00

man am i high now... who knows coffee can have such a big impact. even in the previous caffeine-rushes i haven't felt like this before. it almost feels like i've downed a whole bottle of wine, only i'm still walking straight (i THINK). and all because the words "venti" instead of "tall" slipped out of my head when ordering (and i've already had a piccolo latte at oriole before that)...

but i guess it feels good for now (though terrible at the same time). and i guess it's these contradictory feelings that has been with me the past few days... school's been good and i'm learning interesting things but at the same time i'm hating it all. i've tried to rationalize it but somehow it just doesn't add up. i try to put it down to the "engineering" rather than "science" way of teaching but would i have been satisfied if i'm doing science now? maybe i've just bitten off more than i can chew but i'm sure (and i'd like to think that) i'm better than that. maybe i simply burnt myself out not idling the vacation away but doing the (super slack) special sem and summer programme in austin, but will i want it any other way? maybe it will settle itself after the dust settles like the last time i felt this during aj times and hopefully it will be before things get out of hand

and i guess that's what falling's all about: you just don't see it coming and you don't know how deep's it's gonna be. i don't know why i feel so convinced this time around (maybe it's the benefit of hindsight for the previous times) but it just feels so right yet so wrong. and as much as i love the semi-"jetsetting" life i wonder if this will turn out to be a recurring theme in my life

man does this feel good. i'd probably succumb to substance abuse one day. but til then...

A new year

2010-02-14T00:27:00.003+08:00

i dunno why i'm here... since the last post (i don't even know when that is, just that it's super long) there has probably been more than a dozen times where i should have more reason to come here. ideas/musings to blog and post. but i guess i usually haven't gotten around to blogging those stuff for a long time now.

well, it's just 30mins into the new chinese new year. i've never been a big fan of events/dates/resolution (it's just another day unlike any other, as i've surely noted in posts before) but i guess i'm looking forward to a year of increased possibilities for myself. on one hand looking forward indeed, 'cos i know they'd come and am sure some will fall even if others don't. but on the other hand, maybe hope might be a better word. the past few weeks/months i can't help but feel some windows of opportunities slowly closing and they won't come back anytime soon

so there we go. i hope i won't regret not following up, but i guess life's too short to even think whether to regret. sometimes i wonder if this move on, look forward mentality will kill me one day

"this gift is my curse for now"

Readings oh readings

2009-11-18T23:48:00.004+08:00

Ok. Just to get the supposedly 'drunken' post out of the way (hey, it's just ONE grammatical error)

Over the course of the past few months i've realised there's quite a lot of books i wanna read (and sadly, not everything is available on audiobooks bar alice in wonderland and the hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy. which i totally loved). the selfish gene, through the looking glass, six impossible things before breakfast, small gods... i wonder if i should bring a book along to orion and if i'd have time (or light) to read...

and the thing is. i probably won't get around through all, or even any of those before sch starts again and i'm caught up in the mess of work and other stuff. that, and i've decided there's one other book i wanna read first. i can't believe i'd be ever saying this. but yup. i'm picking up the bible after exams...

An ode to idiots

2009-11-09T19:47:00.002+08:00

(Ok, i'm not gonna start writing in rhymes, so no need to cringe. But yeah)

sure, idiots, being their idiotic selves, are so worthy of despise. after all, they never fail to contribute to our general UN-happiness, either screwing something up big time or simply performing acts that start those disapproval neurons of ours firing wildly

But imagine a world without idiots. that will be a sad, sad one indeed. where else can we then find such cheap thrills and pleasure in trouncing such idiots in our wake. we don't want to trip our friends up, and without idiots who are there around that deserves such cruel fates. rejoice as you see their bubble of thinking they knew it all burst. and this time i'm not going to hold back and start feeling bad for them.

ah, one can almost smell that sweet joy. who says idiots were only all bad... so here's a toast to them out there. cheers! ...and don't say you haven't been warn

scary things

2009-11-08T03:34:00.002+08:00

as much as i am against it i am very fascinated by the things religion can do to people(now, how many times has it been that i've mentioned this in this blog. yes, that's how fascinated i am). and add to the list now, love. or rather, perceived love.

and man, aren't they scary. the way they make certain people behave (or is it rather the way certain people behave in response to it?).

slightly diverging but if there's anything i've learnt about myself in the past few months is that i'm very judgmental. much more than i thought i was, much more than i hoped i was. but i guess we just have to take certain things about ourselves in our stride. on one hand, we don't want to let them boil over to the extremes but on the other what use are resolutions to change them that don't work. and i just have to take it that slowly i'd start noticing more and more scary people, more and more people who just aren't up to the mark

oh well. that's what friends are for. when you can comfortably throw away the need to cast judgment. it's good to give my eyes rest once in a while from all the eye-rolling

Yellowcard - How I Go

2009-10-26T21:40:00.001+08:00

And i guess this is life

this is~~n't~~ how i go

2009-10-26T01:16:00.001+08:00

Wow. Been a while since I’ve last been here. And no prizes for guessing why I’m here this time. But yeah, other than that I did have things to blog about. Things to muse over. But have never really gotten down to penning those thoughts down. While a certain SOMEONE wants an Indian scribe I need a psychic alien following me, filtering my thoughts and penning the appropriate ones here. Maybe a name change to “Cthul1a’s Diaries” is imminent but we’d see how that goes. But yeah, no main purpose here today. No overarching theme to envelop the whole post but just random tidbits of what’s been going on both in my life and in my head (mainly in my head probably if you know me well enough).

So, ok. I probably wouldn’t have been back at this blog if I was busily living out my life. But things are, when you’ve spent god knows how long on your philosophy paper and no ideas seem to come through anymore typing a blog post doesn’t sound so tough. And this brings me nicely into what I wanna touch on first.

Recently have mused to myself how when (ok, more like IF) I talk about school to my other friends what comes out often than not are happenings in my philo lessons. These things the lecturer mentioned. This podcast/audiobook/essay I’ve been on. Granted engineering and history tidbits (my other modules) aren’t anywhere near as interesting, but dare I say this philo mod have been the most influential I’ve taken so far (ok, 5 mods as a benchmark isn’t much of a comparison, but yeah). It just ties in so nicely with a lot of things I’ve always mused and wondered about. All those random thoughts when on the train to/from wherever and on the walks back home at night. Ok, I think I’ve rambled on about this enough (and anyone who’ve had decent conversations with me at some point of time recently will prob have heard some version of this). Just as how one discussion have centered around whether justice might just be the second best option we settle for and not that big of an ideal perhaps, expecting everyone to make philosophy a way of their life is noble at best. I’m just glad I’ve been able to embrace it (or parts of it).

In other news, I guess uni life has been good so far. Ok, so no more slack life as in first few weeks but I can’t really ask for any much better. Maybe except one thing. Been arrowed to write a short article about GEP and was following a certain train of thought. Wei nian probably edged me closer to articulating what I was thinking of, and that is the idea of personal growth. And perhaps, for all the overarching goals of uni life personal growth probably encompasses everything. And while I can say without any doubt I have loved what I’ve seen of NUS so far, I can’t help but think perhaps we aren’t really growing ourselves too wholly here (but then again, neither is SMU and NTU doing that great of a job from what I gather from friends).

And I believe in terms of technical ability and knowledge NUS tops the other schools around. But sometimes I can’t help but think that some areas of myself have stagnated. Maybe even withdrawn into my own comfort zone for some of them. Life’s been good so far. But if this were to continue, can I still hang on to this contentment and satisfaction of life? I guess only time will tell. And may I wish for that bit of luck, that wisp of fate (and to new readers of the blog the fate here refers to the random distribution of probability about) to edge me over to the other side.

Cheers

Are we treading down the path where we just keep feeding the insatiable animal, or will random, chance occurrences right the way?

Guilt by association

2009-07-13T23:36:00.002+08:00

It's actually not a hard fallacy to spot at all, but sadly, the truth is it's just so easy to commit. As with the elated sense of self-worth that I need to throw away sooner rather than later (i blame it on all the elitist people i hang out with) I used to not particularly look up to people who fall prey to it. After all, it's often the accusation the general masses throw. and the reporters aren't gonna let a story slip as much as they've probably learnt to spot all of these.

Too many times have the ultra conservatives thrown away the dignity in their arguments and protestations when they lump mere sympathises into the group of people they are against through the very basis of association.

Sadly, the emotional strings certain things can pull is just too much for simple logic to handle sometimes. Certain things you regard with the contempt reserved for the lowliest you simply can't accept someone else condoning it. And that is where we fall prey

Of correlations and more

2009-03-06T02:00:00.004+08:00

take factor A out of the picture

statistic B still exhibits positive change

guess factor A doesn't have that much of an impact, if any at all

and i guess i don't play that big a role

From where you might belong

2009-03-03T23:19:00.002+08:00

you know, there are those arcade machines out there. two placed facing each other, linked up so that you can play multiplayer with someone opposite you. i find it pretty interesting that they're placed in such a way that you can't see who you're up against. in the older days, when you want to play against someone, you have to sit cramped with the other guy at the same machine and all... but that's not my point for today

so, yeah. there's some interesting behaviour which i spotted quite some years back while i still go to arcades and play some virtua tennis amongst other things. people (and sadly, i fall to the urge as well) want to physically see who they are up against or who have beaten them (or who they have beaten, etc)... standing up and tip-toeing to peak over the machines, walking one round to have a glimpse of him. it's interesting how we want to see how the other person looks like even though they isn't really much of a rational reason to (in fact, it's might even be detrimental when you found you've been beaten by a kid or some punk, etc)

and that brings me to my main issue. i sure will like to see him, see who he is, and how he's managed to leave such... um... lasting impacts even though he's no longer in the picture.

he must have been really something...

Shine on

2009-02-28T00:30:00.002+08:00

i guess i haven't done this for a while... well, i was saving this for a few weeks ago but guess didn't need it then. now's pretty good too

cheers to the spirits and everyone around;

tomorrow will come, and i'd do what's right

Of "A"s and "B"s

2009-02-26T00:53:00.003+08:00

well, i am online quite a lot and recently something i've read provoked my thoughts so much i just had to voice my opinions to the world world out there (though who actually still reads this i don't know). so, yeah. here it is

i guess, perhaps deep down, i'm actually pretty closed minded and have a conservative mindset... i have pretty strong opinions on certain issues (though they probably are usuallly rather weird and out of the norm ones) and am quite biased on them and all... however, that normally doesn't spill through when dealing with other people (i hope?)... i've always advocated and practised keeping an open mind regarding what other people do. at least most of the time. i might frown on certain actions and intentions and totally detest them but i try my utmost to respect their decisions. after all, they probably went through their own decision-making process and all and weighed up all the actions themselves. i might not agree with them, but they probably did what they felt was right at that time. who am i to judge them anyway (i might complain a lot and all, but that's another issue). i tend to keep my lofty ideals and high expectations and standards for myself. for others, even when i can't bring myself to agree, i'd at least give some benefit of doubt.

but recently, i can't help but find myself bugged by some things i've seen/read/etc... not bugged as in irritated by it terribly and constantly thinking of it, never having any peace. more of bugged as in, can't help but find myself passing severe judgement on sth and actually enough to be a little emotionally involved in it (emotionally involved sounds like a real serious thing. but it's much more minor. can't find any better words haha. more on emotionally involved later)

granted, i'm very biased on this issue here i must admit. and no, as much as i have felt over it i'm still not acting/haven't acted on it. that just isn't my style. but i must admit harbouring hopes of failure and doom as well as feeling a sense of vindication/joy when things don't go well (that's the emotionally involved part, so yeah). ok. it's evil, yes i know. and from time to time feeling bad for hoping for such things creeps in. but well, i'm not gonna suppress my ill feelings just because they are morally wrong

i think/hope i see both sides of the picture more than the average person. our side of the story is always gonna be one sided. while we are complaining/frowning upon the actions of certain people and bitching bout them with our friends and all, i'm sure on the other side he will be sharing with his friends too what is happening and his side of the story. unless the one we are talking bout is some emotionally hardened creature who no longer has any 'semblance of a moral compass or someone who is really so terrible he doesn't have any friends to confide their side of the story to (both cases in which we should actually pity the guy, as bad the things as he have done), one usually has a reason for doing something.

but well, i've had a few realisations recently. well, i've been reading "Fooled by Randomness" the past few weeks. it's an interesting read for people interested in economics or just some basic intellectual pursuit with many interesting ideas, but a phrase simply just formed in my head while reading it, regarding certain issues happening around me and the book in general too. "Just because you admit your flaws and confess to being a bastard doesn't give you any right to be a bastard"

crude, but i think gets the point across. well, as a reply to what i've read, sth stemming from that idea, "Just because you have your reasons and thought you were doing the right thing doesn't mean you can be a bastard". Sometimes, you know, when friends complain bout certain characteristics of a person, a common defense for them is "that's just the way he is". but after a while, i've kind of realised/felt that just because that's his usual self doesn't give him any defense for being a total idiot.

but at least for the idiots who just go through their lives being the idiots they are, i still see some saving grace. they affect everyone along the way and all, but well, if they are oblivious to their effects and all and they end up leading happy lives themselves, at least they've won in the game of life. they may be bastards, but at least they come out winners i guess. not the way i'd win my game, but well, if that's their game i'm not gonna do anything much

much more unforgiveable are what i term the "inquisitive bastards". not only do they ravage everyone with their "god, what the hell was he thinking" acts and all, he wraps himself with all sorts of fantasy in his own sugar-coated "reality". suddenly, it seems like he's the victim. oh, such a poor thing with traumatic experiences. oh, how he was just trying his best to make his way out of the situation. all bullshit i say. i wonder if they ever tried reading what they write. or try to think objectively (i know it's impossible to be entirely objective but at least try you know) and reflect on what they are doing.

as much as i would love to i'm not interferring and entering the game to create some havoc. that's not my style. hmm, well, i guess my way is just as evil. but if just for today, let me play devil's advocate. i'd be back to being nice tml (or on another issue)

let fate deal my hand.

best of luck to you. cos you're definitely not getting any...

Turn down the lights

2009-02-25T00:03:00.002+08:00

Ever had one of those moments where you are staring defeat in your face? things aren't over yet, and of course we all still hope that it will turn out well after all, but deep down, you are kind of resigned to the fact that things probably aren't gonna go your way...

and i guess supporting arsenal and the pacers aren't helping me on that... score tied 0-0, 2nd minute into injury time... 4 points behind with 20 seconds left...

hmm... but as always, we still cling on to that last bit of hope

The return of the doodles

2009-02-15T23:19:00.011+08:00

i don't think too many people know of this. but doodling is one of my fave things to do. though haven't done it much since school ended, what with no more lecture notes to destroy... and usually it's just random crap and nowhere near aesthetically pleasing... well, so, yeah. usually it's on paper... though once in a while i do doodle on msn convos too. and even rarer sometimes i get inspiration and decide to just randomly doodle on paint/photoshop/gimp... today's one of them haha

ok. they are a bit crap. but all doodles are... i've tried not to use anything other than fill and brush though to retain the feel of good ol' simple doodling rather than a full scale artwork thingy. then again, even if i did try hard no one will ever see my artistic ventures as a full scale artwork. but i guess i'm reasonably pleased with it. think can convey what i want it to

only other time i recall where i had a similar "successful" doodle on my comp is like quite long ago, a few years back... think i posted it on the blog then too... that is definitely a nicer atttempt aesthetically i feel... let me go fish it out...

ok. i give up. can't find it.. i'd post it up later if i do... but that probably means it will never see the face of the earth... til next time then

EDIT: found it haha... everything else kinda sucks, but i love my dog here haha... first time i ever tried to draw sth backview, and somehow it worked... enjoy...

Dancing Matt

2009-02-12T00:32:00.002+08:00

hmm, there's many links to the topic i wanna talk bout... dunno where to start... ok, first link... so, yeah. as last post shows, i was quite hooked on sesame street and stuff past few days. so had the elmo thing on fb. after which emily and ash reminded me of viral videos (bananaphone and the badger song, which reminded me of the llama song and the elements song)... but ok, i'd leave it hanging here for a while...

second link... recently caught benjamin button... before the movie starts, commercial as usual.. i always look forward to seeing one of them in the theatres haha. and was quite psychic that day. just commented to bel that i wanted to see the visa commercial and it came on. talked bout it and how it is prob my fave commercial of the year, if not all time, when she enlightened me that the guy actually was already doing the dancing thing before visa came along...

so yeah, these two points link me to Dancing Matt (), something i've been TOTALLY hooked on the past two days or so. somehow i was not one of the 10million people who caught the viral video that started as early as 3 years ago... but oh well, better late than never

i must say i totally love it! it's just so infectious! and i'm sad to admit, but the SNAG in me is like made me so emotional the first time i caught the most recent one (dancing 2008) with all the music and people joining in and stuff...

ok. so have been doing loads of things related to it. reading his blog backlog. changing my ringtone to the visa ringtone (available on visa travel happy's own website to my pleasant surprise) (i'd prob change to the dancing 2008 song if i can find it...) doing the stupid dance along with the video away from the sight of everyone else in the comfort of my home... trawling through the host of youtube videos regarding matt

one video in particular had me in stitches!

ok. the first link is the one that kept me laughing out real loud for a few minutes. i kinda viewed it in the wrong order, cos the first link occured later and was like an explanation to the second link... well, ur choice on which u want to view first (if anyone's still with me here)...

ok. that's all for today... hmm.. abrupt ending, but oh well...

There's a sucker born every minute;

and i guess i saved 244 babies my minute...

Don't know why...

2009-02-09T00:13:00.002+08:00

Somehow a series of events led me to look at tons of sesame street clips on youtube. and the thing is i didn't even really watched sesame street when i was young. always wanted to like it, but i must admit i seldom got to catch it, and even when i did it didn't rank among my favourite shows compared to cartoons like, say ninja turtles and others.

but my, i'm loving it now lol. since when was elmo so cute... well, if you're free and bored u might wanna check out these clips

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AxW6-_Qx1JA
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=skNGWQkQorQ

anothing caught my eye

ok. this is just to link two things together, but yeah. if u liked the song do check out the real version heh. ok. i'm off

The girl who cried wolf

2009-02-04T13:27:00.002+08:00

nothing much in terms of events happened the past couple of days. so, yeah. nothing much to blog bout. but i just felt like poppin by

yeah, meeting up with sunny, jason, bel and gen was fun. dinner was cool. i've always liked the snacks and stuff at taka basement (ok, used to like them more, but still like)... like will always make it a point to grab sth there if i was in the area. but first time had a full meal all made up of just them... we had 3-4 rounds heh. but darn, forgot bout my brownies and cream puffs. but oh well, hagen daz was nice. cool to just hang around and do nothing much in particular. i love my life heh

oh yeah, and then visited smu a few days back too. ash got his matriculation card. got a tour there before during syc 06 so nothing much new (the citylink-esque underground passage was still cool, but everything else is still the same bit underwhelming)... yeah, had to talk my way past security guards again saying i forgot to bring the pass and all. i haevn't had good run-ins with security guards recently haha. oh well

so, dinner and all after that. usual stuff, which is nice as always. got tricked by him for second time in a week. darn it. i must learn to call out bluffs. i guess i tend to err on the side of caution too much. must just whack when not sure next time. i guess i'm never good with these stuff. especially in poker too... it'd be like i'm sure the guy is bluffing, so i go along with him. but after the whole affair i realised i don't have a good hand either. the opponent might be bluffing, but i'm leaving everything down to the kicker also. learnt to slowly just fold in these situations to take the safe route.

i wonder if i need a rethink

and it's when you know you've fell for it once you aren't sure of yourself anymore

Been far away for far too long

2009-01-31T12:54:00.003+08:00

so i was back in it again after a seven, eight week exile. i guess something has to feel the void, doesn't it

(and for those who know of the song: no, i'm not going brokeback)

Day 1

2009-01-29T12:36:00.002+08:00

Ok. so the hunt starts today... (ok, last night to be most exact, but who cares)... and just two hours in i have this imagery in my mind of I.P. man already (ok. i'm deliberately misspelling and mispronouncing it as usual, but he just have the coolest name ever. you have batman, superman, spiderman, yes man and then you have I.P. man...)

ok.. so yeah... it's like how back in the good ol' days he was totally enjoying life and all. he was good at what he does and never has to do much to live comfortably and enjoyably. war came, and before he knows it he's out in the coal fields, working for the first time in his life and all.

i'm such a drama king

Random, random

2009-01-27T22:26:00.002+08:00

ok. this is the 25 random stuff that has been going around fb... weilong tagged me on this one. i usually totally won't bother, but well... here goes...

1) i'm surprised i am writing this. normally i don't even care bout such stuff. but oh well... i've been pretty guai lan over some nus engin thingy recently so i'd be nice here

2) starfruit and green apple juice rocks

3) things i've fantasised myself as when i was younger (ok. i still do that from time to time. but that's a secret) have been football/bball star, football manager, rock star among other things (i guess/hope that's pretty normal)

4) i live in my own world. up in my head. pardon me if u don't understand what i'm talking bout sometimes... my brain isn't made up of words sadly, more like abstract ideas and imagery here and there

5) i will beat most people in a game of who-can-slack-the-longest, surviving without needing to do much at all

6) i don't even remember my own bday once, so don't expect me to remember yours

7) i live for the simple pleasures of life... nice, simple food; naps and sleeping late, etc etc

8) i can sleep anywhere, anytime. loads of thanks to army and sch for that

9) i sleep a lot in lectures and all, but when i am awake i actually listen to what the lecturer is saying (unless he/she sucks)

10) i can only get work done outside home. preferably some place with a nice coffee aroma all over

11) i was addicted to coke (as in, the drink) once during p sch. after that, it has been coffee taking over my life during the o and a level periods. i'm much better now i hope. it's just a nice drink now

12) one is never too full for dessert

13) aftertaste is one of the most important aspect of a really nice food. too many good tasting food fails to achieve greatness because the aftertaste just isn't too savoury... many times u'd see me going to supermarkets to get a drink after a meal just to wash those tastes away

14) and to wash away tastes, nothing is better than a&w cream soda (think only some cold storages have them. go try it out if u get the chance)

15) getting lost (while adventuring and exploring) is pretty fun

16) my bball coach insists i'm left handed

17) i write and generally do most things with my right hand

18) but then again, if i were to swing a golf or baseball club, i will swing it on my left (same for hockey sticks though u're not supposed to)

19) i hate running. totally

20) if you want me to read your (non-fiction) book, you totally need a snazzy title, something interesting and out of the norm. "Make money in 30 days", get lost totally

21) i joined a scrabble competition during sec sch. play with me one day =)

22) i like mindless comedies. so kill me

23) i have "fa cai meng"s once in a while. one day i'd strike it rich!

24) when/if i get a car, the first things i will zhng (modify) are paddle shifts (gear change behind the steering wheel) and 2X power shift more than normal (steering wheel will reach maximum lock after 3 quarter of a turn). yes, i'm such an f1 nut

25) i don't like XXX just because it's too popular is one thing i've found myself saying a lot of times

26) and yes. i'm feeling so nice today i'm actually adding one more random note than required. and that is to say i'm not tagging anyone to follow this up. enjoy

My Album

2009-01-23T10:56:00.003+08:00

i've had the time to listen to a lot of my song collection recently... after a year plus of not really into them i'm starting to get the hang back. so for this post, it shall be a tribute to some of the songs that have been with me for a while, some newer songs here and there

good songs are always just round the corner. but i've always admired artistes that manage to put out great albums... for me, a great album lies not just in a certain number of really good songs. the song order matter as much and all... picking out song orders are just like picking the order for a baseball batting lineup imo. u start with sth sure, proceed to your big hitters and then round it up. what's diff from baseball is that you'd want to round it up with a very good song too. but on a lighter note. i know u2 often end with something more spiritual... i prefer a more sombre, comtemplative tone and all...

so what i'm doing here on a whim is just to piece together my own best-of "album". of course, what with only adding my favourite songs i can't do too good of a job arranging them here and there but that's the way i would order them. i'd see this also as sth of a thanks to those who share similar musical tastes as i do and have introduced me to many nice songs (some below are probably introduced by someone)

turn away if u have totally differing tastes. this is pretty much a nothing better to do post. but otherwise, almost all songs (i think only straightjacket feeling and back home are the exceptions) have been a top 40 hit at some point in time so u've probably heard them. otherwise, it's just a youtube and google away. can also find me if u want the songs and stuff...

so here goes...

1) Sweetness - Jimmy Eat World

-- I'd start with an upbeat song. First encountered it on some NHL game. Got jimmy eat world's album, and ever since it has been the song that i will play in my head whenever i need sth inside while running or anything (not like i run often, but yeah)

2) Somewhere Only We Know - Keane

-- It was either this or "Everybody's Changing" to represent Keane here. Hopes and Fear was just a fantastic album. Especially liked how they conveyed the feeling of longing for something in this song

3) Ocean Avenue - Yellowcard

-- I won't say much. Spots number 3 and 4. where u put your best, big hitters. your Barry Bonds and all. My fave song. ever. been with me through many periods of my life. Go listen to it

4) City of Blinding Lights - U2

-- Another big fave of mine. The wide-eyed wonder of it was totally captured in the song. something to listen to when just got totally into sth. and even when that hasn't happened, it's still a great song

5) Africa - Toto

The oldie here mixed within all the late 90s and turn of the millenium songs. Heck, it's older than me by a whole 5 years. But good stuff here

6) I Don't Care - Fall Out Boys

-- I have to admit fall out boys don't rank as high as some of the other bands/singers on this list. Dance, Dance was a great song but overall most of their songs are in the nice to listen but hardly memorable or groundbreaking category. Recently got into this song. and the MTV was nice. dang. and talking bout MTV i realised there's so many other good MTV songs that i should fit into this list but don't have the space... other personal fave MTVs include Ocean Avenue and You and Me; and talking about MTVs you just have to talk bout Walkie Talkie Man. Youtube is your best friend here heh

7) That's Why - Michael Learns to Rock

MLtR has come out with loads of nice sing-along hits. That's Why's my fave (followed very closely by paint my love, but that's another story) so it earns its place here

8) Blind - Lifehouse

-- It was between this and You and Me. i think You and me was the better song overall, but even before it got radio play and stuff i've liked blind from the outset after getting their album.

9) You Found Me - The Fray

My latest fave song that i have set on repeat mode some days. i'm so gonna get their new album come february when it's out. great song. loved the almost begging feel when they croon "where were you" and "you found me"...

10) Disenchanted - My Chemical Romance

-- As usual with almost all My Chemical Romance's songs, the lyrics here is rubbish. but that said, i thought Disenchanted is probably the best named song i've ever heard. i don't think the word is even mentioned in the whole song. but even before looking at the title when it came on on my ipod the first few times i could totally feel the disenchantment the song portrayed. For good or bad, disillusion is probably one of the my most frequent negative feelings encountered (not that i have it frequently, but when i'm down there's a good chance it's that). The song i turn to in those cases

11) Straightjacket Feeling - The All-American Rejects

AAR has come out with loads of catchy, very sing-along-able songs (swing, swing; it ends tonight and move along comes to mind) but i'm going with sth a little different here. a different approach from their usual repertoire, but works totally great

12) Perfect - Simple Plan

-- Even if their usual songs are often just good but never great, one thing i've liked bout simple plan is how well they wrap up their albums, especially with perfect on No pads, no helmets, just... and untitled on still not getting any. and if back home wasn't around perfect will definitely have wrapped up "my" album. it refers to "dad" in the song, but replace that with anyone in mine and it totally fits for loads of situations in life

13) Back Home - Yellowcard

-- i don't think many people know of this song. but i totally love it. definitely in my top 5 top songs. i like how it gives me the feeling of going out, searching for success and all, getting it, and then realising what you actually want is sth closer to home, sth closer to your heart. a great song to wrap any day/incident/album up. go check it out

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

and that wraps it up. found out we actually share similar musical tastes through this? we can share songs over msn and stuff heh. find me also if can't find any of the songs around. other than that, i'm off

Life's simple pleasures...

2009-01-21T16:18:00.003+08:00

haven't had coffee since e fateful stomachache 6th jan... ok, maybe three cups of coffee for five shots total was a bit too much for one afternoon... but still...

been up before 11 for a week already cos of various reasons... some willing, some not so willing and now starting to not be able to sleep til too late

haven't drank for bout a month now since i spilled that red on my white tee. (the super diluted xo at jun liang's party doesn't count)

stopped betting since syc

and recently, started to feel i'm getting too old to LaSG!

darn. i'm losing touch with so many of life's simple pleasures haha. they just need to take away eating and afternoon naps and i'd be left with nothing. time to start rearing birds and playing chess...

And white is the new black

2009-01-19T15:08:00.003+08:00

i'm all for frankness and honesty

but sometimes i simply have to say i prefer white lies (if done well and dosen't let the cat out of the bag) and blissful ignorance...

later edit: (i was going for sth small and impactful, but heck that. i'm in ranting mood now.. but i'd keep it short)

information is such a drug... you crave its power, and my, is it a powerful thing in it. you finally obtained it, the momentary gift of the upper hand is sweet as hell, but no, chances are you're not powerful enough to control it and have it tucked nicely under your belt. it ravages you.

you're experienced now. you went cold turkey. yes, you're out of the game, you thought. but no. someone just throws it straight in your face. or maybe it's just an unknowing package left by the wayside that piqued your curiousity. you're sucked right back in. enjoy your power now, cos before you know it you'd be back for more...

First musings of 09

2009-01-15T23:57:00.002+08:00

it's funny how it's 2 digits into jan already... just a li'l less than a month back i was starting to blog again and everything. and had plans to do resolutions/things to look forward to in 09 when i fell sick then everything went way off... the list became more like "food i wanna eat" so i scrapped it. retried the list thing recently but i've like started to clear and tick off some of them already so decided to forget it...

i guess quite a lot has happened since last i was here... good or bad i don't know.. but interesting definitely... slowly everyone's been getting on with their lives and all... some back to sch, some found work, some back in army and everything... suddenly it's like i'm the only one left (ok, there's ash the other slacker too) with nothing going on and nothing on the horizon even.. but i'm fine with that. retirement life is totally for me and i'm one of the few people who can totally slack and while a day away. but it's kinda weird also. how it's like my timeline totally defer from others. like how my time seems to pass slower and i can notice more things than others (lol. kinda like those drama shows where some deity comes to the mortal world and watch while the humans age)

but past few days have been interesting to say the least. but oh well... i'm not really into the note down what i've done mood. but today went out with an old friend... an incident make me think of a lot of stuff.. ok, i was thinking of quite a lot already before i met him. kinda uncanny how some of the stuff i was thinking bout came up to be things i'd reflect on later

so, yeah. new year resolutions. i haven't specially made them since bout four or five years ago, being more of the just plan as things go type so i know i'd not keep them.. but i guess i can say the motto of the past two of three years can be regarded as my new year resolution for those years. and i'm continuing with it. "Enjoy the simple things in life. Smell the roses along the way". The simpler life indeed...

i reiterate what i've always said a lot over here. i may always complain and moan bout a lot of stuff but deep down i'm actually contented and satisfied with a lot of things that has happened in my life. i've been quite blessed my whole life and lady luck has generally been with me and i've come out good in most crucial situations so i know i'm happy. i hope this can continue and i'd learn to appreciate more of the small but significant things i haven't learnt to yet

and after my musing on the train and everything i'd add one more for 09. continue building on my faith in myself, my friends, and everything i stand for... regulars of this place will know religion and my lack of it is one topic i've always loved to touch on but usually just brush through cos it's way freaking hard to write bout it while still being sensitive and insightful. i don't think i am anywhere near that now anyway also (i might try a full entry on that one of these days but don't bank on it)

but yeah... to feel others in. i've always admired the power religions have been able to harness and bring about. it's absolutely phenomenal. but sadly, i don't really agree and subscribe to most of their views. so as a non-believer, i've always wondered and mused bout how we too can harness such incredible energy... it's nice to blindly believe in something. it's amazing how much strength people have been able to draw from religion, be it when they are down in their deepest trenches or just ordinary people going bout their everyday lives.

what i will do when everything around me falls apart is one question i ask myself occasionaly. when u find out that everything u have done has failed, and everything else has failed you, who will you turn to? i put myself in other people's shoes and i can see that religion can indeed be a powerful thing to hang on to for many people. having a great grandfather with a spiritual experience during WWII probably reinforced that for me

but no, i'm a deep non-believer. i'm starting to call myself a secular humanist rather than a free thinker even. it all started early in secondary school when i found that term. started out as a joke cos it sounded cool. tried it on one evangelist once. could see him all stumped when the last few times when i got approached by them i could so totally swear i saw their eyes light up when i say i'm a free thinker

ok. but read a bit more bout it recently (recently as in past few years)... it's a very disjointed group with a lot of differing views, and while there are some things i don't agree with i can totally identify myself with many parts and the main gist of it. basically, how i feel bout humanism is the belief in the human spirit: the ability and strength of us to overcome obstacles. of course, there's the evolution stuff too but belief is what i like to talk more about

and at the center of it all is belief in yourself. i'd like to think i've gone a long way since last time. can still quite vividly remember the teenage angst (i like to call it that haha) i went through from bout p5 to sec 2-3 approx... um. ok. i lazy to elaborate. when i look back i find myself way different from back then. it's like...

(ok i'm exhausted. this is supposed to link to some musing and reflections on ambition and drive. which was supposed to be the main point of today. but i'd leave this hanging on like this. hopefully will come back tml. but no guarantees. til then...)

I'm not crazy i'm just a little unwell

2008-12-29T15:51:00.002+08:00

sigh... all the enjoy first, talk later stuff over the past few days finally took its toll on me. all along was just a mild cough that fluctuates from time to time but yest everything started flaring up a bit.

aces meetup was fun. saw belinda on the train on my way to orchard. nice reminiscing aj times. very interesting how some teachers never change (her maths and chem teachers were teachers i'm quite familiar with). but leslie was such a cheater with the dance concert thing. oh well. in the end we didn't go. but can't expect 7 of us to go there then only 5 tickets available...

and to think we made our way to clementi and all... had supper there. couldn't resist indulging. kopi-gao, starfruit + green apple juice and prata probably aren't the best things i should be having. but oh well

got worse as the night went on. haha. sunny has so many unglam pics of me sitting on the pavement and stuff all along. thankfully got unglam club join me heh.

the night was pretty bad. had my sis' cough mixture again (i still insist it's the cough mixture, and not the kfc that got my problem flaring up). the drowsiness started kicking in so thought to sleep it away. but my head was burning. the suddenly-hot, suddenly cold sensation. lasted for bout an hour or so i think with me just in a daze with the drowsiness and all.

broke out in sweat at bout 3-4 am. felt so much better. but totally awake after that. the drowsiness has passed and the fever felt gone. but can't sleep anymore. turned on com checked online. no one around. so just lazed in bed taking 30min naps here and there. thought no more need to see doctor anymore until fever broke out again at bout 5+

doctor said i had upper respiratory viral attack whatever that was. and surprisingly when i asked what food i should avoid he said nothing! see, the kfc had no effect! i was feeling pretty much ok but when he measured my temp it was 38.9 degrees. scary man. wonder what my temp was last night when i felt totally feverish. 40? man, my brain is probably half-cooked now...

hope can recover by nye's man, but seriously have doubts now. a very nice, sleepy afternoon just now (if only it was a bit cooler) but my cough like getting much much worse. and fever love to strike just 30min before the time to take the panadol... oh well... another day of complete rest to see how it goes

man, this was such a useless, boring and needless entry...

just stay a while and maybe then you'll see

And if the bright lights don't receive you...

2008-12-26T11:57:00.004+08:00

another interesting few days... (actually, now that i think back it's only been a day but certainly seems like so much more)

lunch with 04 at marina square on christmas eve noon. they watched yes man in the morning but i caught it already so didn't join them til after the morning... haha. changtai was at his usual best, managing to twist and turn everything that was on topic haha. off the bat i started to argue with him over my qualified enjoyment of the movie already (ok, i think it sounds like disappointment a lot of times, but i always end with i liked the show...) and lots of lame stuff to follow. one of these days must really go surprise him at starbucks ps. i used to go there pretty often what with alpha lan sessions at paradiz and my need to do some work for tuition. but not so frequently now... maybe one day should just specially go down

bq was hilarious as usual too... just when we were jibing him for always ordering the weirdest food on the menu he went with a failsafe lasagne. break the trend of weird food, sure, but he still got the worst of the bunch in the end lol. always one lah. whereever we go he never fails to get the worst deals and stuff. the lasagne was like bolognaise sauce drowning some yellowish bits which doesn't seem like the sheet, lasagne pasta at all... i guess i'd probably still like it if i ordered, but he was like complaining so much and stuff. and compared to everyone else's orders i think he really got it worst again

after that we followed wl and hh's suggestion despite vehement protests from ct. gift exchange! but instead of bringing gifts there to exchange we were all given time to shop for the gifts with a 5-10 dollar budget (they initially wanted a hour. we successfully cut the time down to 20min. but in the end ct and hp were so late lah)

thought it's quite a good idea. store into idea banks for things to do next time haha... i was browsing around the diff shops along citylink mall and marina square before i met the rest so knew exactly what i wanted to buy... mph had a small collection of books going for under 5 bucks then wahaha. i already bought two for myself on the way there actually but quite wanted to read them so walked back to citylink to get one more for the gift thingy.

next stop to times back in marina square. while i was getting blu-tacs on my way to meeting up i saw some bookmarks which i thought were pretty cute. but was like thinking to myself, i have absolutely no use for them, and i doubt anyone will... turns out a bookmark was a perfect complement to a book gift haha. gift settled within 15min =). too bad i wasn't the first one back. tied second with bobo haha. if only i didn't have to walk so much.

went to changing appetites for dessert. my second time there. but we sat down, and before ordering anything was doing the gift exchange thing. could see the waiters like walk past us so many times wondering when we will start ordering. but who cares bout them. nice finding out all the weird gift ideas others had. we had like earrings, boxer shorts, quite a lot of food items and all sorts of whatnot.

The book and the owl bookmark that had its head cut off was from me. i got the dessert pocky and caramel corn =)

looking forward to opening that dessert pocky haha. never really into the normal pocky but when i went to japan a few years back was totally hooked on almond pocky. super ex to get them here though so seldom eat them now. now like pocky introducing more and more exotic flavors. hope this one is nice. thanks wl =)

dessert next. one of my fave indulgences heh. could remember the last time alpha had dessert at changing appetites. one for one sundae was on offer that time. we ordered like one for ourselves each and had two more to share between us. at the start we were all gushing bout how nice everything is and how worth it it is but at the end everyone was totally complaining and struggling to finish... i had a huge sundae and helped finished two brownie slices that time. one of those days where u eat so much sweet stuff the feeling in ur mouth starts to get sour instead of sweet. the others vowed never to go back again. i thought i quite liked it barring the end haha

so now this time. no offer sadly. i knew immediately what i wanted. the trio brownie volcano. i find that the most worth it dessert dish. it's 10 bucks, yes, but not only do you get ice cream (two scoops at that) you get three slices of brownie. and not just normal brownies, it's fudge brownies! (though after eating the whole thing you'd so wish it was normal brownies. but it's about the first few totally fantastic sinful bites man!)

and as usual, hated everything after the second brownie. if only i didn't hate mango would have traded what's left of mine with what's left of ct's cheese the chicken. oh well... forced the rest down. wasn't too pleasant but dessert is still one of life's greatest pleasure so i'm not complaining. left soon after that, not before bout half an hour to an hour of further crapping session heh. hope for more 04 outings in the future. too bad woei jin was in china (san lu!). i like missed way too many previous outings cos they love to pick my duty days to go out then

was on my way to sembawang for a gathering. jason msg-ed me halfway through my train ride. thought i'd join them instead lol. went to chinatown after that. dinner at people's park center. was still super full at that time. didn't buy anything after looking around. but i look at the food the rest got. shocking sia. char kuay tiao, oyster omelette, 20 dumplings, 10+ xiao long bao, ngoh hiong (which i reccomended but turns out the new store isn't the nice store. the nice one moved house to maxwell! wth. at least it was decent), 10 bucks tian ji porridge, 5 bucks pathetic amount of intestines (nice, but 5 bucks?!), prawn hokkien mee. siao. in the end just ate the things here and there full le

starbucks later. my fave double expresso. damn funny with all the gossipping and for things to actually happen in the 2min i was buying drinks lol. moved to mac next before counting down across chinatown street. quite deserted. got a few siao people playing with the sprays below so we didn't go down. so just shouted merry christmas down the street after countdown. weird christmas. but quite fun haha

went to mac near xavier's house next. supper and a few ghost stories and stuff. found out bout the mysterious smiling-at-donut syndrome haha. after a while pj and i started moving nearer and nearer to dreamland haha. xavier went home after that. last bus was over so we cabbed to sunny's place

pj ko-ed almost immediately. we three guys had fun playing prank on gen who was still online. i can't believe she didn't find out bout us haha. a bit of boytalk after that. i guess sunny's right. if things happen that way let it happen lor. i have lots of ideas and evil tricks up my head but oh well. shouldn't act on them. if it is really mr. R acting up just let him suffer the consequences.

after that sunny started introducing us to his playlist and all the weird songs. the 29 minute song (which i dozed off a bit at the 15 plus min mark with the piano part and all). the sounds of the amazon lol. got one uplifting josh groban one for me and jason lol.

next morning we were joking bout settling the playlist for the 07 batch's potluck. quite funny. then all the emo songs started coming up and all. fun. breakfast after that. i can't believe milo at the coffeshop at his place cost 1.10 lah. WTH! sunny was super high then. but we went back home rest in the end. all super tired. i dozed off for bout 30min. jason and sunny didn't. pj only one to ko the whole way. she missed the funniest 3rd gear part lah haha

slept like a pig when i reached back. my aunts came over. i was sleeping my way throughout. granted i hardly talk much to my aunts and cousins other times (generation gap i guess... and not like i'm the most sociable around...) also but this time i was totally away to dreamland... i guess really crashed yest

oh well. looking forward to more fun times later tonight and sunday =)

As long as there's a bed beneath the stars that shine

2008-12-24T00:44:00.002+08:00

More activities... and enjoying every bit of it. Since that bbq that night went shopping with ash in the afternoon yest. ok. not so much shopping with him. he got his stuff and was dead tired already. more like i dragging him along. but ok lah. can't believe i'm doing all this shopping but got it done... at least got some company, as complain-y as it was haha

dinner later. went to vivo cos both of us had craving for pasta initially. in the end somehow we didn't really stick to our plans and all. we still got pasta, but at some mussel place (the name of the restaurant). underwhelming. at least i don't feel as ripped off as he did. but i can't believe i couldn't finish my super small portion... my appetite's still all screwed up from syc and taiwan

went to ps met up with lymon after that. watched yes man. was decent. an enjoyable ride that at least for me was worth the money. but i was hoping for sth better... the jokes were decent and i definitely did laugh quite a lot of times but thing was i was already prepared to have a good time and laugh already. if i wasn't in that mood don't think it could have stirred the funny bones that well... was hoping this will be a return to old jim carrey movies like ace ventura and the mask but still a bit lacking

didn't like the romance part also. i certainly didn't expect yes man and sth jim carrey to be almost a rom-com. thought it would be pure comedy and stuff... thought allison was super cute and attractive and all but i'm just not in the mood for something romantic that day i guess. and it did play a significant part of the movie...

but today was nearly dying at home... hardly slept well... (but slept a lot though)... first time i willed myself out of a dream haha. pretty miserable cooped up at home... must really thank jason for calling me out man

met gen and zz along with jason. wow. i missed out on so much over the past week while i was trapped in taiwan man. great to catch up on everything and hear/contribute/guess bout the latest gossip and stuff. really enjoyed myself. great session. totally lifted my spirits and all

and jason is way too super nice lah. haha. always sending people home here and there, presents and all... really honoured today he called me out! hadn't had that much fun since syc

and he sent me home after that! lol. to woodlands only nia, in case u start getting weird ideas. found out on the train and during conversations earlier on we super alike lah. thankfully he sent me to woodlands, though. had sth i wanted to tell him since meeting up and stuff finally got some private time and did my fave talking while walking aimlessly around. i'm glad i didn't wait til next meetup.

but like so weird haha. i was like confessing to a girl, to him lol. but really nice knowing him. hope for more bitching/gossiping or simply just hang out sessions... power of syc man... new friends every year. and very good friends at that

And i look back and laugh at myself and the silliness of it all =)

Better luck next time

2008-12-22T13:11:00.007+08:00

i'm so gonna crash eventually... two weeks without much sleep and still going strong don't feel too tired at all... thought crashed yesterday what with a super drowsy-feeling nap in the afternoon but just an hour later up and hopping again... to think last night was the first night on bed for such a long time...

everything's still runnning at a pretty hectic pace. but that's good i guess... as much as i like idling away and stuff hitting the runway and immediately going to a standstill will surely kill... it's like last time previous years syc and holiday trips will always involve a 'post event syndrome' le this time is double the effect

supper and sleepover at ash's place was great.. it's funny how it's only two weeks and they were the last people i saw before going for syc (heck, i already checked in at relc that day already but went for the e1 thing anyway). but it felt like so super long

then alpha bbq at east coast yesterday. i'm taking such brilliant care of my cough/throat. two weeks with no normal voice already and just when the two weeks starts to die down i continue feeding it wine and bbq food. the sambal stingray was nice. too bad can't take too much (i'd probably find it too hot if i could eat more anyway). lots of thanks to slykiong for organising it... cos i'm like in the middle of the batches that were invited i've worked with everyone present for a pretty long time. before going wasn't too confident of the event but when it started it was all reminiscing of the good ol' days and random stuff around

at first was kinda like separated into the ord and still serving group. we were like enjoying saw's talking idol entertainment at the table and all while the others were so nice bbq-ing and serving us now and then. lol. like felt so vip-like

after a while went to mingle with the rest. toby was being his mischevious best, constantly harrasing saw and all haha. started off we were eating our marshmellows and stuff (making fun of saw and his 30-min perfect, golden brown marshmellow along the way). after a while we saw the opposite pit playing sparklers. we got kinda jealous and started burning our marshmellows. it's quite pretty actually, esp when the sun has set and all. cool.. marshmellow sparklers. new find of the day. but quite sad. no one brought a camera there! i had one brilliant pose of me playing with our marshmellow sparklers with the other pit with real sparklers in the background but cos all we have are those terrible phone cameras couldn't capture that. oh well...

One glass to start the blood flowing fleet
A second for all the good times and memories
The third to whisk away to sleep
Tomorrow heralds a new beginning
New beginnings back to old ways...

There's still the fourth and last glass
For all the merriment that will never be made
Or maybe for a someone who wants a different take
On the window ledge that shall go
A toast to the spirits out there who will know

Better luck next time =)

City of Blinding Lights

2008-12-21T09:02:00.004+08:00

wow. it's been pretty long since i last came here. everything's totally changed. and it's not like i've had a dearth of things to blog bout. lots of things happened. and i did blog a lot. just all in my head. but never with enough impetus to type it down.

and truly a lot has happened... incidences in the ending part of army... some unpleasant, some not so bad. tuition and stuff... ord-ing... driving and all random assorted things. and thoughts/reflections wise also... the bit of idle time after army brought a bit of time to ponder and just muse bout anything and everything. stumbled upon a few interesting books here and there. there was one point i was considering revamping the blog again into something more analytical based. but oh well. i like to think a lot, but penning and expressing them not so much so gave up the idea. so guess this shall stay 'the simpler life' for a while longer at least for now.

i've always been pretty proud of how long this has gone on. it's been on-off a lot of times. a lot of breaks in between here and there. but 4 years it's been around already. started off as "Bliss, Nirvana", then "Doodles" and now "the simpler life". i guess time is right for some change. but i'd think bout that as time goes. sth i'm not as proud of will be my posts haha. read a few random early posts. and my, i must say i have really become a different person already... all the experiences, all the happenings over the world... wow.

"The more you see the less you know
The less you find out as you go

and it's with a wide-eyed wonder that i reminisce bout the past two weeks. syc, as always the case, is yet another total blast. and like everything else, the last is always the sweetest. '05 was great. '06 was a totally different thoroughly enriching and fantastic experience. and with that i must say i came into '08 with a wee bit of apprehension. but my, it still manages to top it all off...

"I knew much more then than I do now

just a few weeks ago i thought my syc adventures were probably over. 'd probably still go back every year for the evening with syc and stuff and occasional meetups with '05-ers but i must say i'm truly blessed to be able to come back one more time.

"A city lit by fireflies
They’re advertising in the skies
For people like us

i still remember that morning just two weeks away from the camp. got a msg from siew siew asking bout coming back to ace. i certainly didn't expect that, what with two years now in between my batch and the newest one. but when it comes i definitely won't want to let it go. but their timing was like so nicely planned. the day the camp ends i'd be flying off for family holiday to taiwan. so took a while to ponder and didn't reply immediately.

"And I miss you when you’re not around

just a while later linda's call came. talk bout stroking one's ego. i've always had a soft spot for linda and kah huay. they're always so super nice and all... and people who know me will know i don't often make the biggest impression and stuff out there. i must admit i was very surprised when i found only a few of us '05-ers were going back and they actually asked me. honoured sia. it was just like last year when i went back for the evening. linda and kah huay always mix up between me and leslie but other than that i don't remember making much impact on them. but when they saw me that day they could instantly remember my name when i took a brief moment to recall theirs. these are the kind of small things that really light up your day and all.

"Oh you look so beautiful tonight

but anyway, i digress, as so often the case. but hmm... i don't remember what point i was making also. let's just leave it that '08 was simply the best yet... on one hand it's way too short, but on the other it's hard to believe that all that happened in only one week. it sure didn't feel fleeting at all, but as the days started rolling i can't help but think bout the inevitable end and wish how it can drag on forever.

"Flash bulbs purple irises
The camera can’t see

the aces, the singaporeans under me (qihan, selina, basil and min ling), the interns (jimmy my bro, especially!), my thais (thank you for being wayyyyy too nice to me), P' Nui (the Thai chaperone, whom i got on very well with), the other foreign participants, the working com, those from the 05 batch that came back... it was simply such a magical time with everyone. words can never do it justice. even the infamous long JOHN silver incident lol. i somehow wasn't that affected as others. was great bitching fodder heh... can still fondly remember how next morning no one could wake up and only the few aces made it to hort park at first haha

"What happened to the beauty I had inside of me?

and right after sending my thais off at the airport it was my turn to fly. whoa. one right after the other and totally postponed the post-syc withdrawal syndrome of every year to now... taiwan was a bit underwhelming, not as fun as some other countries, but a vacation is still a vacation. i've missed way too many family trips and like last went overseas so long ago (japan during 04 or 05 i think) so it's definitely still fun and all. weather was good, and two weeks consecutively staying in hotels with bathtubs and stuff... i simply can't ask for any more

"Time… time
Won’t leave me as I am
But time won’t take the boy out of this man

i'm missing my point again, but that's normal here i guess. maybe this will just get everything rolling and i'd find the writing groove more often next time. til then

"The more you know the less you feel
Some pray for others steal
Blessings are not just for the ones who kneel… luckily"

Oh you look so beautiful tonight
In the city of blinding lights

'Cos knowing it doesn't make it any less painful

2008-08-10T00:19:00.002+08:00

i always make the mistake of delaying the transition between the blog ideas and all the planned stuff while travelling and all and the actual typing of it and everything. so now here i am with sth i think i should pen down but i'm no longer in the same mood to get everything accurately enough to do it justice. doing an emo post when you're happy just won't work. guess i'd just go through a few main points and leave out the things in between

well, it isn't so much of the extremes this time. so, yeah, the past two or three weeks haven't been too kind to me. was kinda down most of the time. the big day is edging close ever but it just won't come fast enough. and sadly the euphorism that started from like 8 months before ord just won't last anymore. been pretty grumpy/deperessed/emo/downtrodden/combination of the above recently. don't really feel like exploring the causes, etc, so yeah. though they'd probably never read this, i just wish to apologise to my section/people who might have worked with me for being so grumpy and judgemental the recent weeks. dunno why this mood have set in also, and when it comes there's no stopping it

well, something happened a few days back, which will probably be the main point of my post. so, yeah, i got the best soldier of the month at my platoon for this month. (it's really saddenning to think bout the thoughts that pour into some pathetic army thing that doesn't really mean anything. everyone, me included, is always the first to downplay the significance of it but sadly, everyone still do care bout it which, ironically can be seen from the way we deny the importance of it). was quite a long, stretched out saga on my imagination's part but guess i'd skip the earlier stuff.

so, yeah, around late september sgt louis sent an email to my plt commander recommending one of my batch mates for the award. well, let's just say he isn't the most well liked guy at our place (or during the mp course also) and his work rate is also average at best. so it kinda caused some sort of a furore over the men at my place when we saw that email. it was the topic in town for the next few days. well, it went both sides, the effusing of how they think he doesn't deserve the award and the teasing him of getting the award when in front of him.

well, maybe i ought to give a bit of back story too. usually the way the best soldier thing at my place is chosen is a joke. all too often it just rotates among the different sections, going to the 'lao jiaos' who haven't tarnished their reputations too much. once in a while our plt commander will have a mind of his own and just submit his choice to the clerk. other times it's usually a nomination from one of the specs going unopposed. so, yeah, when we saw that recommendation email in our oa we all thought it was kinda like 90% done deal already.

and then, lo and behold after a commander's meeting at my place. well, i should furnish the post with my opinion on the whole issue. well, that batch mate of mine isn't exactly my best buddy at my place during mp course or at gombak and i don't have the best of opinions bout some of his work ethics. but i guess i'm on pretty friendly terms with him (and more so when you look at some of his relations with others). we can hold a decent conversation when we're on duty together/just happen to be at the same place and i don't particularly habor any hostile intentions against him (well, i probably don't towards almost everyone in the platoon but that's not the point)

but, all things considered, he has done nothing that deserves this whole saga. he isn't the best of workers, but it isn't his fault for just being who he is. and he certainly didn't jump around asking to be nominated and given the award. but just 'cause of the way things turned out he was thrust into the position. and deny as anyone in such a situation will but slowly all the teasing and stuff will get to one's head. we may all vehemently deny all the teases by raising the doubt surrounding it but unconciously our ego all slowly takes ownership of the item in question. so, what i felt was doing the 180 degree turn at the last minute during the meeting was like a slap on his face (and it didn't help that one $%@! spec even teased him over it, like offering him the best soldier badge and then saying eh, the person is no longer him). he certainly did nothing to deserve this...

and during this saga i can't help but remember and draw parallels to another incident that happened earlier on in my life. that time where they awarded me the top in level when it was obvious hongyi scored the higher marks... well, the situation is slightly different in this case but i can't help but notice the similarities... am i always bound to win in such circumstances, snatching away other people's deserved glory? must i draw success benefitting from others' demise and not win purely because i deserved it and have put my effort into it?

it just makes me think... you know, there are certain themes that frequently reoccur in certain people's life that kinda leaves a hallmark on them, something you'd always associate them with. you think bout people like tiger woods and lance armstrong and you can only associate him with success, be it from golf, all the tour de france victories or the battle with testicular cancer (let's not mention the doping scandals/rumors for argument sake). then when you think of others like george bush/saddam hussein and you can see the bullies/tyrants in them, always insisting on doing things their way. then you've got the sidekicks, always quietly helping some more recognisable figures on the sidelines; the chokers, always doing well but falling right at the last hurdle; the eccentric; the losers, yada, yada. fortunately or unfortunately those people are often stuck with a theme that they cannot disocciate themselves with and it sticks with them for life. and makes you wonder, doesn't it... what's gonna be the story underneath MY life?

i sure hope that this won't be mine...

(P.S. and this issue kinda like reenforced my warped idea of losing being sweet and romantic [note that these adjectives to equate to being good and better than winning per se] perhaps it's these empty victories that have shaped me to actually enjoy losing as perverse as it sounds. but i guess it's probably more a result of the things we are brought up into... when the drunken poets, penniless artists and vagabond bards are who write our books, songs and art pieces and allowed to shape so much of culture, i tend to be able to connect with them better than those picky, unscrupulous successful buisinessman)

(P.P.S. grr, i'm starting to make less and less sense. it's kinda romantic in some sort of way and sad mostly how i've realised that almost, if not all of my blog posts this yr have been alcohol infused. sadly this will not be an exception.... peace out efore i start speaking/typing/whatevering gibberish....)

Of eating a cake

2008-07-29T22:50:00.004+08:00

Kiasu-ism... Or more appropriate to what i wanna talk about, having your cake and eating it too (that must be the worst idiom ever... what's the point of having a cake when u can't eat it... but u get my point...) it's sad that the oft-held image of singaporeans being risk averse and generally can't bear to be on the losing end of anything. and i say that not with the "i'm high above all this; why can't others learn" attitude (though i say i was like that before). unfortunately, it's more of the "sadly, i'm one of them" apprehension that i'm penning this entry

i first mused bout the topic during a casual chat with swee kiong. i dunno what the heck we were arguing bout, but as with often the case, i came up with a wager/dare. a macdonald's meal/canteen treat/cup of drink (i forgot which of these frequent ones i used that day) for whoever is right after we go check up our stuff.

[side track... i know a lot of people who love to use unrealistic items (a million dollars, stripping, their life/head/body part etc) on wagers. it's one thing to use them as a figure of speech to express a deep sense of certainty but it bugs me when they focus on the betting part even when they're dead certain they're right. what's the fun of betting (or the amusement of the talk bout betting) when u know the wager is totally unrealistic and will never be fulfilled. i much prefer a small, realistic bet of a small but reasonable value. makes the discovery process more fun and hey, a simple meal or five/ten bucks doesn't hurt anyone]

okay, back to topic. so, yeah. sadly not many people take up my offers (maybe it's a blessing also. i've had my far share of wrong assumptions) and he's not any different. but he added something which got me thinking. "eh, i go check it out first then i confirm with you on the bet" or sth along those lines. yeah, it's probably in jest and i'm sure he didn't mean it but it kinda provokes you to think bout how many people like the idea of a risk-free reward, doesn't it? and i must admit, looking for a free lunch in a world where nothing comes free doesn't sit too well with my beliefs

i probably can go on analysing why this happens but nah, i'm not in that mood today. it reeks of a certain form of kiasu-ism, and it's just a disappointing to see it quite rampant in people around. maybe it's not just singapore and happening elsewhere too, but well, it IS pretty common here. and heck, i hate it but there's a streak of that in me too

i believe pretty strongly about the relation between risk and reward but sad to say i've seen myself turn down risks so many times. it's probably like how i realise i am actually a pretty conservative person who believes in liberal concepts and philosophy (ah, that would probably make something interesting to blog about some other day when the inspiration hits). sometimes what i preach, believe and aspire is not what i practice down at the moment

sure, there are certain things where i'm always ready to throw myself into. heck, i've found myself taking gambles that don't really offer much value in more than a few occasions. but certain things, i'm just way too safety orientated. i just can't wait til the odds are way in my favour cos they never will be. you never get anything when you never put any stakes on the table, i firmly believe.

now time to take the plunge more readily! (chances are, it'd all be too much of a hassle and i'd just be content being in the comfort zone all over again) oh well

PS: ok, i did a li'l search on the idiom. so turned out the more logical way to phrase that should be "eat one's cake and have it too". so, yeah, makes much more sense. and i guess having a cake and eating it too sounds way better. so who cares if it seems absurd

Underwhelming

2008-07-24T21:51:00.003+08:00

today was sadly underwhelming. reasonably fun i guess but was sadly expecting a bit more. so, yeah, was saw's ord treat. darn, i had like a whole comprehensive review of kushinbo in my head but as usual, now that i'm up on blogger all motivation to blog seems to have gone. guess i'd just cut it short. there were many things to like about it, and i did enjoy many dishes there, but sadly i wasn't too impressed with the overall package. in terms of value and quality of food and stuff it certainly does beat the cheaper buffets like those at seoul garden and sakae, but sadly i just can't seem to give it my whole-hearted recommendation. it's quite disappointing i enjoyed the dim sum buffet outing the last time much more than this.

grr, i'm so not doing it justice by brushing through all the small but important details. ugh, guess the food critic inside me is taking over... so, yeah, first impression when i went into the restaurant was pretty good. walked past the desert section first which have a pretty good assortment (compared to budget buffets like seoul garden, i mean, and not to those international buffets). and what with desert being one of my favourite types of food was really looking forward to all the cakes, ice cream. they even had a mini fondue (sure, i don't really dig fondues but just the presence of one always makes restaurants look way classier)

the other sections looked tempting too... sushi and sashimi were placed quite nicely next, followed by a few cooked dishes, the teppanyaki section (you pick the raw meat and pass to a chef who helps you cook them), and the nabe section. most of us skipped breakfast (i had a light one) so were quite famished when we entered the restuarant, so lo and behold, it's time for the spamming to start

i started off with the sushi section. they have most of the standard stuff you'd expect to have, but generally stopped at that. unagi, shrimp, roe, egg, california roll, tuna and the like... they were all decent, nicer than most cheapskate takeaways you buy outside but nothing too spectacular. the soy sauce was of quite high quality so accentuated the taste a bit, but that's it. (i could actually discern the fermentation of the beans instead of the usual factory produced ho-hum saltiness of usual soy sauce... and i say all that knowing nothing about the fine points of soy sauce... i'm so gonna be screwed if they turned out to be using some lousy brand or what)

after that went to the cooked food section. had some pork cutlet, yakitori, some braised chicken wings, tempura... didn't try the soft shell crab. again, as with the story of the day, they were good but not spectacular. wasn't too impressed with the tempura. breading was done very simply and was not fresh enough to wow me (wasn't anywhere near stale, just average). the sauce was so, so too. yakitori was decent. i quite liked it though would have dug more variety with the different chicken parts (my fave chicken skin! haha). small insignificant issue though. i dug the katsu sauce that went with the pork katsu (lol, that sounds like the story of the day)

next up was nabe (some kind of hotpot thing)... my, that was one dish done great. can rival some japanese restaurants at that. there were quite a few varieties to choose from (saw took the chiken one, which i kop-ed from), and my, the soup was done perfect. could taste the melding of the ingredients used from the veggies to the meat, all combining to give a savoury, sweet taste. my, i didn't think too much of this then (after all, who gives much attention to something so filling when you have those small, exquisite and more expensive dishes to gush over), but on hindsight i think this was the dish i enjoyed the most. loved the extra touch when bowls of udon, soba and chasoba was available too. there was the cold soba sauce for those who like it that way, but i loved how they catered to people like me too who like their soba taken with hot soup

teppenyaki up next (i talk like i've taken my food systematically but the truth was i just kop-ed whatever other people had taken most of the time)... the chef cooking for you was a nice touch but either they had very limited choices or bing bing/pong/aaron kept going for the same few dishes. it's probably the former, so i'd risk being a fool and claim outright that they have only 3 things to choose from: salmon, dory and chicken. they were done quite well, but it gets a bit tiring eating the same 3 things very quickly. and while it was an intended move and a healthy one, i was a bit disappointed they took out the skin. that's like the nicest part of the chicken/fish and adds so much flavor to an otherwise slightly bland dish.

oh yeah, had chawanmushi somewhere in the middle. was quite good. heck, darn good actually. easily rank in top 5 i've ever eaten (though i haven't eated much of that in my entire life, so take the ranking at your own discretion)

and finally it was on to desserts. my appetite isn't the biggest out there but i'm pretty hot on desserts so that's where i usually recoup my money from from buffets. sadly, while it all looked so appetising and all when i came in they didn't turn out so spectacular. the tiramisu probably summed the whole thing up. this is one of my fave desserts i'm talking bout, so i probably liked the restaurant a few times more right after entering it and seeing it available. after all, there's few things nicer than tiramisu done right. coffee and alcohol, probably the two of the finest foods on earth, combined together in a light fluffy texture that melts in your mouth and leaves a divine aftertaste. what more can you ask for. okay, i digress.

and thus it turned out to be the let-down of the day. i guess it was a nice touch they made the original, mascarpone cheese/cream version instead of the cakey version that's becoming way too common but other than that there was nothing much in it. the delicate layers that makes tiramisu so heavenly is nowhere to be seen/tasted, replaced by a strong cheesy and acidic taste more reminiscent of cheesecake than the holy desert of italia. the cocoa/coffee powder on top of it felt like a seperate dish altogether, totally not blending with the rest of it. and sadly, they went for a kids-friendly version and omitted the rum. sad, cos that could probably have salvaged the dish a li'l, bringing out the coffee/alcohol fusion as well as masking the poor, acidic aftertaste of its mascarpone. i still had 5 of them, but that's not the point haha. was terribly disappointing.

the rest didn't go down too well either. their donuts were rock hard and hardly appetising. didn't dig the few moshi desserts out there too. and my, the soft serve was terrible. i was quite thrilled when i saw the machine but sadly it turned out to serve only green tea ice cream. sad. they could have at least have both green tea and vanilla. i guess my opinions is probably biased regarding green tea, but considering how most of us didn't finish our helpings i guess it didn't go down too well with others either. the cakes (only 2 differnt types) was decent at least, and contrary to saw, loved the cream puffs with the chocolate-cream-bursting-in-your-mouth sensation. thought they made a good move providing waffles for the fondue. loved the first few i had. sadly, the waffles wasn't the best (it was quite tasteless and hard) and neither was the chocolate so after a few more helpings didn't like it that much too.

drinks wise there were the standard soft drinks. liked the extra touch of a coffee machine and a wide selection of tea sachets. surprisingly they didn't seem to have house-brewed green tea for a japanese restaurant (not that it mattered to me)

and my biggest gripe for the day: WHERE ARE MY OCTOPUS!! that was the dish i was most looking forward to before the meal lah. octopus sushi, baby octopus, takoyaki. all somehow MIA. and from the reviews/short recommendations of the place it seems like they do have it usually on the menu. sad. just my day to go and they don't serve it. and i guess for someone who doesn't take sashimi/soft shell crabs i ain't the best or most reliable person to go to for a review of the place.

when i look back at it and think bout it logically it is actually a pretty good place with pretty good food that offers quite good value for money. it's like if i order a set from a japanese restaurant i'd probably pay around the same price. and i'd get nabe+udon, rice, some appetisers and a main dish, all of which can probably be found at kushinbo. and i can even throw in sushi, sashimi and a whole assortment of side dishes into the fray here. sadly, my experience there didn't pull at my heart strings like a good restaurant should. it was a typical buffet experience. first, the enjoyment of trying out the assortment of stuff the restaurant has to offer; next the gouging on food and stuffing oneself to his fullest, and when it all boils over, the regret of overeating, wondering why you so craved a buffet before that and promising not to skip buffets for the next xxx years. unfortunately, while i could leave supposedly lesser restaurants like seoul garden and the dim sum buffet and long men feeling way bloated and uncomfortable but still able to recall the fun of stuffing so much food in such a short time, the feeling i got going out of kushinbo today was mainly just the discomfort and regret. perhaps today just wasn't the day.

After that was a bit of an anti-climax too. initally plan before today was to karaoke. as sucky as my off-key singing is and despite my tiny knowledge of songs which hampens the k experience, singing still presents good fun for me once in a while and i must admit i was moderately looking forward to it. sadly most of the rest of the section didn't want to. not everyone was into a movie too so in the end we just wandered around suntec for a while (arcade watching saw and toby play was mildly entertaining so at least it wasn't that much a wasted day i guess) before heading back. oh well. next alpha outing then...

(i'm surprised i came here just to write a recounting post. darn. the food gourmet/critic is getting the better of me... and to think i've spent the past hour doing this instead of enjoying myself playing some game haha. oh well. there's the joy of blogging too i guess)

Sweet, sweet losing

2008-07-15T00:26:00.003+08:00

there's a certain romanticism in being a loser. you know, how songs, poems and whatanot seem to almost always talk bout being failed, failing, having the odds stacked against one, yadda yadda. so much is said bout winning but who ever gives a thought bout those in positions of power, the situation weighed towards them, where winning is a foregone conclusion. anything else is just a letdown

ah, to be in the realm of the undeserving again

Revelations

2008-06-26T21:25:00.005+08:00

"An unexpected encounter, a pleasant surprise
An unexpected discovery, not so nice a find
A moment's jest, then a turn away
I so can't bear to look, he says
Yeah, they're just so gross, he concurred
Suddenly an enlightenment, a revelation
My, i didn't so much concur
Just jealous. Just envious
Revelations in this conjured, imaginary world
He woke up
And hey, he tells him, it's time to wake up"

Haha, i actually wanted to blog about how i seemed to have developed blind faith, something i thought has shunned all the time, how my outlooks of life have changed over the years and the teenage angst period of a few years back. but as so often is the case, i lost the mood to type it all out after i thought i have already thought through in my head. oh well, til next time when i'm all in the mood...

Fratelli d'Italia; L'Italia s'è desta

2008-06-18T11:33:00.003+08:00

i'm probably gonna kill myself because of this entry and go on an interminable losing streak. but oh well

so yeah. after a mini slump midway through the first two rounds i've been kinda on a roll. few things feel quite like feeling the touch and feeling like the world's best pundit. so the incident of note was a few days ago. poland vs croatia and austria vs germany... one guy at my camp had just lost a few dollars and wanted to recoup it. asked me for a few tips... so after a bit of analysing with him and stuff, it's 1-0;2-0 for croatia and austria eat 1.5. thought poland was utterly crap in the first two matches so they probably can't score. motivatioin wise won't be very strong either cos they need to win and hope austria wins and hope they win by a bigger margin. don't think many of the polish would have thought it possible anyway. then on the austrian side while it's highly unlikely they'd get a win out of it 1.5 quite safe given how they have homeground advantage and germany isn't really playing the best football... and whenever i see 'crisis meetings' between the players where they leave out the coach nothing good usually comes out of it

lo and behold. strike. (if only croatia scored one more. could have earned substantially more. but i'm happy =)) was quite smug going to work the next day. saw the guy in question and guess what? he bought germany to let 1.5 and a draw for poland. lol.

maybe i'm a little insulted by the fact that after asking around for tips and seemingly having no arguments bout it he went for something else instead. but i guess it's human nature. we like to believe things that support what we believe in the first place. even when we're already set on certain decisions many of us still love to ask/research around just to find facts/data to support ur postion and reinforce ur belief. sometimes i fall into the trap too. i already have an inkling what i wanna buy for the day already but still go to some tipsters website and stuff. if they support my prediction, i go away with a confidence boost. if not, more often than not it's taken with a pinch of salt. and i guess tis goes for life in general as well

but i guess this euro has been interesting. always great to have more people watching soccer and talking bout it. it's like 4-5 people at my place who weren't really into epl and stuff started watching and betting on them (already a few have their hands burnt and have withdrawn haha. n00bs! =P). except for the severe lack of sleep everything i'm enjoying it. i love big tournaments, the euros and world cups. the atmosphere and having ball almost daily on the telly. and lady luck seems to love smiling at me during them

if only vishnu, shen hui, vishnu and ravi are still at plt3 haha. my soccer/betting kakis haha. not the same without drawn-out 2hr analysis every day

and as i always like to emphasize, betting for me is mainly just a side entertainment to the games to spice stuff up first and formost. when i started betting regularly a year or two ago, i know right from the start i'm gonna lose money in the long run. the system is against me, and there's no way i'm gonna beat a system that's all about probability. the 'attrition' rate is relatively low as long as i do not get drawn in by that impulse to recoup losses so it's all safe and all. there's been a fair share of uber boring matches that i'm only able to stay awake cos of a few small bets so i would say the money i have donated to the system isn't that badly spent. it's just like popcorn, only u get a real kick out of it when u strike big. oh well, i just can't seem to find the correct words to describe my view of betting, but might as well...

end-note: sheesh. i'm probably gonna be able to sing the italian national anthem if they continue progressing and i keep watching them. i can't shake the tune off my head. sheesh, humming someone else's national anthem haha.

Adrenaline junkie

2008-06-15T02:02:00.000+08:00

wow. i can't believe i'm still awake, alive and kicking now, awaiting yet another euro match at 12. probably won't watch the 2.30 match though. think i slept like a combined total of 5+h the past 2 days...

so it started with thurs night/fri morning... missed a few euro matches the few days before so decided to watch both matches... can't say the matches won't interesting, but damn frustrating seeing austria having so many chances early on and not able to put any away. like 3-4 one on ones... anyway, so it ended at 4.30 or so... only an hour or so left til it's time to wake up for another duty day. was an absolute zombie when i reached camp. thankfully, got a bit of rest in the morning...

so work, work it was... got a little upset halfway through. cos was helping one guy do one hour of duty cos my detail wasn't all too bad, end up got taken over 20min late... lo and behold, 1h 30min left to sleep til i wake up for the italy match. surprisingly wasn't that tired considering i was dozing off for so many champions league matches earlier in the year. guess watching a team u support is much more exciting. and a small wager doesn't do the entertainment value any harm... any frustrating match to watch haha. sad... like so many times the team i support/bet on play better and then let in the first goal... but at least the match was quite interesting. quite a lot of attacking

2-4am duty next. was planning on finishing my book but my, was dying inside. like read for 15min, dying next, and then pace around for a few minutes before rinsing and repeating. thankfully this time was taken over on time/early... sent arms and next went to watch the holland match. instant revival seeing the 2-0 scoreline (had a small wager on holland overcoming a 1.5goal handicap. 5.5 odds. w00t). real nice match. very impressed with the dutch... and watching with 3 other people helped. i was quite high haha, shouting for all the goals and near misses. so only went to sleep at bout 5.30 til 7 plus

went IT fair next with saw, skiong, bing bing and pong. was zombified earlier during dismount. thankfully some coffee revived me (though it wasn't particularly nice. had it from j.co at raffles city. their donuts are great, but coffee was so-so, reminded me of mccafe stuff)... but after lunch the caffein was waring off.. was damn lethargic on the way back

last min got jio-ed for ball... haha. not enough sleep really affects ur game. none of my shots felt right... was reacting darn slowly for everything. like everyone on the court could outdribble me and i was tripping all over the place... the only useful thing i did for the few games were probably just a few screens. our team lost the first four matches or so... damn sian feeling... i was playing so pathetically haha. the whole team won't clicking too. got a bit rough halfway through too...

but then the last match... was talking to junliang before it and lamenting how sian today was, playing so crappily. began as usual... going both ways. then suddenly an injection of momentum. was tied/close at about 5 or 6 when suddenly an influx of momentum came about. first kelvin (tan) got a steal right after a damn frustrating turnover off the inbound to get our momentum back. then i swatted a low post pass away. it went out and they got the ball back but my, the momentum was turning. really interesting how such plays can really affect morale and stuff even though the actual consequence on the match isn't much... two quick pick and rolls, a nice little hand off and we were cruising. then it became tied 10-all until a nice hook from jl coming off the screen. woohoo! man, i've never felt an adrenalin pumping like that before... hard to describe how damn sweet that victory was

can't help but marvel at how caffeine and adrenaline makes the world go round

***darn, this entry was supposed to be adrenaline rushes and me in general, like how i never really get the 'runner's high' or anything like that. sad it turned out to be so much of a recounting of events and when i got to the point i'm too lazy to elaborate. oh well

um...

2008-06-01T00:02:00.004+08:00

and for my monthly post... (not that it's intentional, i just don't really have the urge to blog much nowadays except for some random issues here and there)

well, so was quite a disappointment today. have been looking forward for today (as in, sat night) since last week where i missed it cos i was on duty. alas it was not to be, rain and last minute issues and all. oh well... interesting how i've let the anticipation build up so much i felt so much for the cancellation. usually it'd just be nothing nuch. i guess maybe deep down i'm actually quite a control freak (so much for being hands-off on most stuff most of the time). it's like i can get quite worked up whenever things don't go according to my masterplan, even if they really aren't such a big deal.

oh well, look forward to next week. life's been good to me as usual, so hoping for more of the good stuff, and less of the daily drag and grind. rediscovering a few passions, so the end of the soccer season hasn't really kicked in yet (except for today i guess).... ugh, i'm not making sense yet again. i don't even remember why i came here in the first place. oh well. at least this adds a "June 2008" to the sidebar. it's interesting how it's been 4 yrs since this started. my, i'm getting old. where did all my innocent childhood and sweet teenage years go?

Hmm...

2008-05-01T22:56:00.003+08:00

Sigh... and that's probably the only thing i can do now. the ball's out of my court and all i can do is to hope, pray, fret and whatever. anything but influence anything. know that hopelessly fretting over stuff and thinking of the possibilities and everythign ain't gonna help and i must admit i have done reasonably well to not let it affect me too much but can't shake off that niggling thing at the back of my mind and having something like that over you for the whole day sucks as much as anything... sigh...

i've screwed up big time haha...

it's just those sucky moments. things were going well, maybe even on a roll but just a lapse of concentration, some un-forward thinking and before you know it a bomb appears right in front of you... and with that all the small li'l good things will all go down the drain... it's times like this sometimes you start remembering the tiny positive moments you had, maybe in a vain attempt to try convince others, and yourself above everything else, that perhaps after considering everything it isn't so serious after all... but ultimately the truth is u answer to ur mistakes. u've done it and when consequences needs to be shouldered u must bear the responsibility. and when you're clearly in the wrong and u know it urself there's not much of a defence or even excuse for urself, is there?

well, at least i've been very lucky in my life indeed when it comes to many of those key moments... somehow almost immediately after it i started remembering those tough times. sucky periods but thankfully it was all in the mind... perhaps luck will shine on me again this time. sometimes makes u wonder if this time is the time it all runs out, but oh well... learn from it and let's see how everything goes a day at a time

and it just occured to me that all probably can be summed up in a word. helpless. and my do i hate it

Naivety

2008-04-14T01:01:00.003+08:00

i can't be more down... been through the same thing just so many times the past few weeks. but it's still the same story. but while there was still hope time and time again the past few times, the faint glimmer that we'd be able to pull it off, there's nothing left now... Naivety. everything went well except the result. the story of the season

i probably have much more to say... but oh well... to think i'm more upset over some matter that doesn't involve me. can't remember myself feeling worse over my own disappointment.. but wait, it does involve me. Arsenal will always run in my blood. RIP 2007-2008. may next season see better

(PS: probably have loads of other stuff to blog bout. been having on-off urges to blog the past month. but oh well... mourning and blogging bout sth else just doesn't mix. til next time)

Sore Loser

2008-02-16T01:19:00.002+08:00

the past month i've seen another one of my own-held beliefs bout myself shatter. it's another one of those moments... we all like to think of ourselves as a certain kind of person (well, at least i do anyway), possess certain characteristics and all... most of the time they're probably true for the most part. after all, one knows oneself best. but sometimes, there are those moments where you just can't help but act a certain way. it's against what you think you'd do, and you know it when you're in the act, but somehow it's just the way you react and there's no stopping it. sometimes i wonder if that's maybe because we constantly think of who we want to be and works towards that. sometimes we really do change and achieve it, but other times maybe it just doesn't work, but we're so clamoured by those aspirations that unknowingly we think we're there already... there's nothing wrong with it i guess. it's the process of self-discovery when we find out our long-held notions shattered. but sometimes i guess i do feel a li'l pensive that i'm not actually the guy i thought i was

the center of it this time is how much of a sore loser i am. nothing wrong with that, after all i feel that many successful people are sore losers at heart. they just can't take losses and strive and do everything they can to change the situation and turn out true winners at the end of it. my fave football players are probably all sore losers too. but i've always thought that i'm above losing. that i'm actually not very competitive (after all, i abhor competitive people and avoid them like the plague) and that winning and losing isn't everything. it's the other things that are more important. i guess that stemmed from the yangqin and ruan experience during primary school. it was fun and all, until all the over-emphasis on competitions, winning and all made me start to lose interest. on hindsight, maybe it was just a convenient excuse to hide behind when i really just couldn't take the tough preparation and time sacrificed, but i'd never know for sure. maybe it was reinforced during my bball time at sec sch too, where my struggles to make the team meant that feeling like i'm valued and can contribute sth outweighed my competitive streak. i don't know.

but recently. wow. first was the cohesion games. it was just a simple game of captain's ball. and yes, we had high hopes of winning (our evil plan of trying to get an off haha) but i knew deep down plt 2 were prob stronger and after all, it's just a game. but i guess the sore loser in me got the better of me during it. i haven't felt the indamnation of defeat so badly for a long time. sure, i didn't cook up a fuss or anything but i thought i should be able to just put it away and get on with other stuff. but no. it was like while we were trailing the few points throughout the match i tried to unwisely take matters into my own hand and try too much when a calmer mind would have been able to think more clearly and not let the heat of the moment influence my game. when the game was paused during the two injuries i just wanted to get on with the game when i should be more concerned and should even be able to accept it being cancelled cos it's prob a li'l too dangerous. and when the whistle blew for game over i just walked away. can't bear to congratulate the other team. can't joke it away like my other friends. lol. i'm probably exaggerating my response. but, yeah. i can imagine if the stakes were higher. let's say i'm a competitive sports person. i probably can't bear to shake hands with the other team and would walk immediately off the pitch after losing. even roy keane don't do that haha.

then the thing with work also. haha. i hate to admit i felt bad the first few minutes when saw let me in on the news tt ww is getting bs for the month. i like to put it to the effects of having just woken up and it is combined with an earlier disappointment. but deep down i guess i know that i'm just sore that he got it earlier than i did. i can't say he didn't deserve it, and i should be happy for him, but at that moment i just can't (thankfully it didn't last that long that feeling). it was like the feeling of being overlooked. haha. oh well. it got the whole plt talking bout it anyway. skipping 3 full batches to him when seniority used to rule at the place.

then just now just lost a bout of mahjong to my family. lol. getting worked up over a friendly game with my family of all things! yeah. it's like normally when u play u kinda can estimate how much you've won/lost. so even the times where i lost a lot i didn't feel that bad except just sad for my wallet. but today haha. i only lost a fair bit compared to a few other occasions. but i didn't think i'd lost that much. my estimation was off by bout 3 times or so. i just didn't want to admit defeat. it's like there must be something wrong somewhere. they helped me settle the starting chips and i didn't count. it's probably counted wrongly. there must be some other reason... haha. i felt like a 3 yr old. but oh well

as i've mentioned earlier. nth wrong with being a sore loser as long as i don't let it overly affect me. can channel those energies into sth positive. a drive for success and stuff. but haha. am just laughing at myself these days thinking of how wrong i was

10 things. Simple keys to happiness...

2008-01-15T22:37:00.000+08:00

ok. giving face eh =P. emily tagged me on this... so, yup,

“Just list 10 things that make you happy on a regular basis. Hence, pay raises that typically come once a year won’t count. These are things that make you smile at least once a week… to remind you, in spite of all the ranting you have to regularly get out of your system, life is good.
- Rational Neurotic.”

Yeah. it echoes my sentiments when it comes to counting my blessings and such and those small things in life that makes life great despite all the horrible stuff and how contented i am despite loving to rant and lament bout anything and everything... i guess my list and the elaboration ensuing won't do any of them justice cos try as i might i can't capture that essence of those small but significant stuff in words. many of the points cover more than one thing, but yet a few of the points can definitely be lumped into one umbrella branch. and on hindsight (yes, i'm typing this after getting a rough list done) i think there are definitely things i overlooked and skimmed through when in reality it's definitely more significant. but oh well. here goes...

1) Lazy afternoon with a cuppa

hmm, yeah. so how can it not start with coffee. it's just one of the simple but beautiful pleasures of life. and recently i've found that one of the best times to have it is on a lazy afternoon, with nary a committment, in a cosy li'l cafe with a cup of cafe latte... i like how coffee seems to slow time down for me, giving me the time to contemplate the li'l wonders of life. couple that with the papers, my ds and ipod, people watching (usually a combination of all of them) and it's THE way to spend a day. and when i can afford one afternoon just whiling away doing nothing but just slowly taking in life it must mean life's been treating quite well giving me a long deserved break

and on the topic of coffee, it's not just those lazy afternoons with a cafe latte. morning breakfast with kopi-gao (preferably with half-boiled eggs and toast or economic bee hoon) or the shot of double espresso when i'm dead tired... i can't imagine life without my miracle drug

2) Hanging out with friends

social animals we are. as much of a loner i can be few things can beat hanging out with friends... there's the usual gang (terence, lymon, ash and aaron; eric once a year), the experience which i can't really describe. trying to will prob just demean it. then there's watching soccer, staying overnight at vinnie's for big matches with shiu hei, vinnie (of course), aaron, zhen hao, hongyi, kenneth and everyone (i probably missed some guy out haha). it's interesting how army have brought us closer together for the two groups i've mentioned. it's like back in sch we were all cooped up with our own stuff and just went bout our own lives but now that army have monopolised our time, it's like we've learned to take a step back and learn to enjoy the simple pleasures of just hanging out once every now and then. ok. maybe it's just me haha. then there's the bball at sembawang gang, shaun after work, syc, 04, alpha section mates... i've been blessed. i probably don't meet many of them often enough, and i probably should chat more online and stuff to just keep in contact but i'm thankful i have these group of friends to count on. each one brings a different experience and i'm savoring every bit of it

3) Striking it big!

Ah, the vices. indians drink, chinese gamble. i'm just slave to my genes. well, betting's been quite a big part of my life since army started. i know i'd lose money in the long run but it's the thrill of the process. i guess i'm just a sucker. so i just take it as entertainment, be prepared to fork up some money every month to charity (hey, earnings of singapore pools go to the community). i just have to be careful not to chase losses and don't put too much money on the line. and so far i've done that... but my, the experience of winning a bet, no matter how small. i might end a week of betting having just earned back my stake but it's still fun and nice to hold the winning ticket in the hand, seeing ur prediction come true, thinking u've cheated the odds and analysed it better than those computers and realists and such. and there's the social aspect of it too, talking to others bout each other's analysis and such. i think my duty will pass so slowly without it. yup, it's a vice, but what's a little indulgence

---
ok. i'm tired. i haven't done the elaboration for the rest (and i can't seem to put things succinctly in one line to capture the essence of stuff). so, yup. i'd continue some other day. now that i think bout it there's many times procrastinating these blog entries just ends up it being not blogged forever. oh well. hopefully i'd get down to it and finish it up

Broke... but loving every bit

2008-01-07T22:09:00.000+08:00

250 left til 10feb. gosh. i'm so not gonna survive... blame it on the past few days. even ordering food almost every mounting day. not even saving when cooped up in that cave.

and the yr gets better. games day was nice, albeit tiring. then had dinner with shaun after that. hanging out with him is sure one of the quickest way to burn your pockets man. was thinking of cwp then he suggested king albert park. well, he pleaded so i agreed. then the rain came while waiting for him haha. and we went pizza hut in the end. and hearing the waiter repeat our orders, the couple delight meal or sth just sounds so wrong haha. but oh well. it was nice catching up. been some time since we hung out.. not the usual light hearted banter and talk bout football and whatnot. but quite interesting some of the things he said. shared sth i haven't talked about to others before. haha. so broke i could only give up 10 bucks then and he had to pay the rest

and then the bomb. and then sunday. the most incredible, fabulous, fantastic and overwhelming fun i've had in a while. a long while. lunch was at mad jack's. (mcjack's will sound so much nicer haha)... was quite good. guess i put too much expectation on it or it'd have been nicer. but a nice lunch. ok.. 15 gone. oh. before that while waiting for eric, terence was buying jeans at NTUC. yup. NTUC. like wth. haha. he and his cheapskate antics. i wonder sometimes if he does all those just to display that image or he is really into those haha...

after some deliberation on where to go it's lan again. i guess i kinda expected it. not that i was dreading it. ever since we decided no dota and played some random custom game it's been quite fun. tower defence was nice. but too buggy. can't complete again. and sad. didn't do as well as last week. then we tried the hero survival thingy again. for once i wasn't that clueless (at least during the second game. the first one was still quite bad). we completed it heh. nice.

too bad terence had to leave after that again. had dinner at the yellow table coffee shop. haha. guess we went there only for nostalgia sake. we normally have western there but don't think anyone was for it since we just had steak and whatnot at mad jack's. in the end we all just took the risk, ordered the ban mian. it was surprisingly nice for sth non-qiu lian. ash was raving bout his dry u mian, the first time i've seen him so enthu bout food not 20 and above. or rather, the first time i've seen him like that in all our food expeditions haha. eric thought it was so so but i really enjoyed mine. the mee hoon kuey was just the right texture. the soup had taste. and don't think have so much msg. wasn't as thirsty as after a qiu lian meal. nice. won't mind going back. but it's way too far. but oh well. we should go there again. i'd queue up for my mee chiang kuey again. this time i won't leave it at kfc.

after that went to mind cafe at boat quay. last week tried to go settler's but was full. this week just went there on a whim. and surprisingly it was quite empty (it seems more expensive than the one at dhoby ghaut though the ambience is nicer). played citadel. we totally loved it man... al the trying to second guess each other. ash trying to stir up stuff and getting all defensive when i jab him at that haha. just can't describe the fun we have... it's such a pity terence isn't. we could so imagine what he'd be doing. at first when the girl was explaining the game i thought it was too complex but it was just right after a while. enough complexity to make everyone think but not so much that it's daunting... a great plus we know each other quite well so will be thinking what they'd be doing... great game...

i can never credit how smashing the day had been. but wow. what a day. 45 bucks. but if 45 bucks is the price for this fun i'd go rob banks every day. but oh well. it's that fun partly because it doesn't happen everyday too... i guess by now eric should be back in indonesia. the parting scene at the mrt was quite funny. ash, lymon and aaron just trudged along down to the north south line area at the mrt. then eric realised he needed to go the other way... haha. quite funny his expression. like wth. said goodbye to him. after parting with him then ash suddenly realised halfway down the stairs. was shouting to him. just some waving and we're on our way. so it'd be one more year before we meet again. but i guess the way we parted is a sign of how things have progressed from three years ago? (wow, it's the third year already). it's the knowledge that we'd meet up again, definitely. someway, somehow. things will change and everything but there's no need to say our goodbyes yet cos we all have that knowledge. here's to the memories...

just checked up on air ticket and hotel prices in australia. ouch. i didn't expect free and easy trips there to be that ex... i wonder if the fuel prices played a part in it... like geog we all learn bout budget airlines. how it's driving air prices down. but ouch. it's not that much cheaper. and everything's just so ex... was looking forward to a trip overseas with friends after ord. and last week the idea of australia. going over to find eric, then he comes to singapore with us just rocked the sock for me. but now looking increasingly unlikely when i saw the price. i guess if i went down to it, be willing to part with the money i can probably go. ash and aaron probably also. but it's a bit too ex. was hoping can find sth cheap maybe lymon can join us. then hope that the one in a gazillion chance will come true and terence can join. but oh well... it'd even reaching the upper limit of my 1500 maximum budget. airfares are too much. a decent hotel instead of motels is a bit too much too. i guess i just can't have comfort and cheap stuff together. see how it goes. will snoop around during travel fare many months down the road. hope it can work out. if not australia at least somewhere else. i so need to leave the country

End of Year Bonanza

2008-01-02T15:32:00.000+08:00

what a smashing way to end the year... the past week or so has been totally jam-packed with brilliant events, and even in general, things has been going well... things started picking up at bout november. slowly i started to get back my belief in the way things work and are working out, started to see things in a more positive light, started to feel a sort of progression within myself. a sort of spiritual gratification to put it that way... the most fulfilling time i've had since the build up to exams (yes, i guess i'm just the nerd, but the run-ups to exam periods have been one of the most self-rewarding times since the 'o' levels. it's just the sort of feeling u get when things slowly start to fall in place, slowly seeing the results of a few months of hard work slowly unveiling, being able to see the end and well deserved rest just over the corner).

i don't really comprehend why the renewed optimism i've had the past few months either... perhaps it's just the experience of working in the 'service' side (i like to think of my job as a service personnel facilitating things with security a peripheral part of my job rather than the other way round which my superiors want me to think), getting over the angsty teenage years and naively believing in the so-romantic cause of making the world a better place through small steps. sometimes i look at the people around me (mostly bad examples, sadly, especially for the management team) and try to learn from them.. i try to acknowledge everyone when i see them at work regardless if i know them or not, just to let them feel like they're actually someone with a life, a personality, not just a passing nobody drifting in the train of bigger things. i try my best to let others know of my appreciation when i'm being served, from the counter crew to the cleaning lady. i never knew looking someone in the eye and saying a heartfelt thank you and receiving the appropriate response is so rewarding. sometimes it sucks when people just ignore you and move on, but at least i tried to make a difference.

it's interesting when i look back at my late primary school years and how much a pessimist i was, feeling cynical about everything and all. sometimes i feel embarassed looking at some of my thoughts and the things i do and look at how much a romantic optimist i can be sometimes now. sometimes when i look back with some objectivity it's almost like a childlike belief of a utopian society just waiting to be crushed by some big, hulking demon. at least i'm still keeping that cynicism towards old fashioned rules and conforming to keep things balanced

and while it lasts, i'm relishing life as it is now. a lot of times my train of thoughts lead me to religion when i'm comtemplating life and trying to understand the nuances of how i'm feeling. i think i think way, way too much bout religion for an unreligious person... but religion has always awed me i suppose, just that no one ever came close to convincing me about their cause. i guess maybe it's just like a young girl waiting for her prince charming to come, watching wistfully as everyone around her's getting hitched while everyone who has come her way doesn't even come close to scratching the surface... i remember reading somewhere (or was it mrs chng who said it?) that even though the world is seemingly getting less religious an overwhelming majority of people still subscribe to some faith or another.. think it's less than one percent who are strictly atheists, with many with 'no religion' still believing in some sort of higher power

i've always wondered and been in awe of how much power one can harness from religion. i've always wondered why too. recently i've been thinking perhaps it's because it's an investment into the unknown. the need to believe is innate is us; it's just a matter of what we believe in. it's much easier when one believes in a higher being who knows more than you, whom you'd never totally understand rather than just shaky foundations like other people, a system of how things work and the like. in god (used very loosely) there is the element of not knowing everything before us because of our shallow view of the world. it's a belief in something unknown beyond your means, and when you can't quantify and qualify everything you believe in, there's no way you can lose everything. even when it seems like everything is lost, there's always the chance that something else can happen. something else that puts things back in your favor. and i wonder if it's this believe that forms the basis of religion

(i'd probably live to regret writing this earlier bunch of stuff when i read this years later and discover it to be a pile of bullshit. oh well, just let me rant this time.. been some time heh)

i put my belief in the things around me. people. my family and friends. certain ways things work out in my life. how i handle different situations and all the what-nots. and one of my deep-seated fears is that if one day everything that matters were to crumble. it's very possible, and i don't have much of a fall back to rely on. as much as i stick to it, it's hard to see myself perservering with the "i just need to slog this period away and things will fall into place" notion that i keep myself going with. it will take a lot of mental strength to continue slogging and believing when shit really happens. that's why, as much as i detest them, i secretly admire people who blindly believes in something and doesn't ask second questions, accepting what is laid before them as the one and holy true and just lead their simple-minded lifestyles. i guess that's what this blog is about. i wonder when i named it so, but i like "the simpler life" title. if i remember correctly i titled it "bliss, nirvana" last time. a good name i still think, but maybe what i'm really searching for is, simply, a simpler life.

oh gosh. how much i digressed. and this blog was to be bout the past few days. sat in malaysia was fun as malaysia trips have always been.

sunday was the highlight though. meetup with eric. i knew eric came back bout a few weeks ago from his msn name and later ash confirming it but i was just hesitant bout meeting up. i guess i can feel what caryn felt bout the evening with syc. i was telling her how she shouldn't have cared bout not receiving an official invitation and just go; no one would have noticed anyway, but if i was in her shoes i'd totally do the same. it's just the feeling sometimes we want to get. the feeling that we are important. just to allay the fears that we aren't someone, that we're not worthy and that the non-act meant more than it actually was (usually it would probably be simply a slip of mind or just some other perfectly logical reason on the other person's side but we are just afraid it's for the worst). but i digress again. so after a merry go round, a stroke of bad luck (christmas eve in camp) and a stroke a good luck (that he's still around til next week) that sunday became it was

so yup. i was on sunday. eric arrived late. very late. 45min i think. or was it an hour. and so i was making a fool of myself keeping it under wraps, stalling time and all. in the end i gave up, egged ash to let it out but he won't. so yeah. they didn't persist. i wonder what the rest was thinking bout my antics haha. but it was all worth it. aaron (expectedly) and lymon didn't have much of a reaction. but the sight of terence trying to think of some witty retort of unwelcome to mask his shock was worth everything. a nice lunch at new york pizza. moping around deciding what to do next as usual, what with everyone having a different idea of a good time and mr ash the fussy ruling out half the suggestions when the rest of us would just have given in (as much as i complain, i guess sometimes that dose of vote of no-go is very necessary). in the end went niner with the no-dota rule compromise. thought it was fun. i particularly liked tower defence (coming out top all the time certainly helping i guess) and the rest of the custom games were pretty fun too. then dinner at fish and co. terence didn't join which was a pity (though i guess it was slightly expected when he went back). aaron had to book in. so yeah. but still a great time hanging out. an ode to the good ol' days. few things beat the group of us meeting up, especially when eric is back. looking forward to next sunday. sadly terence and aaron have to book in at night (with ash probably wanting to go back early). the night is the best time for this sort of sessions. just chilling out. more willing to share and everything. was prepared to take leave on sat but guess eric had plans too. oh well. it'd still be smashing i'm sure. and there's the always next year to look forward to. hopefully the plan for the trip works out.

and monday met up with syc. was one of the lucky guys who ended duty earlier than 6 so left early with shen hui. glad i didn't miss much. too bad some ppl i expected to be there didn't go (and some didn't stay). but still a great time. counted down and watched the fireworks near victoria theatre/fullerton. was just the four of us left and christine who joined us but the fireworks this year was great. much better than last year. the squeezing with the crowd both going there and going back was a chore but the fireworks made it all worthwhile. nothing really can quite capture the optimism and prospects of a good year ahead like fireworks on new year's day. seems like it's be a good year ahead. there'd be the shit times but i'm sure i'd come out all the better. after all, a year with your ord date in it can't possibly suck too much. here's for an enriching year ahead

Random musings

2007-12-25T22:20:00.000+08:00

realised i missed out quite a load of things in my previous post... but guess i would just mention them in topic. actually i forgot most of the topics i missed also... oh well. there's just been an urge to blog bout self confidence the "ugly girl" from this year's syc. but scrap that

things work wise seems like it's heading further and further down. but oh well. there's things to look forward to. thought quite a lot during the duty on christmas eve. it's interesting what being stuck in camp while the rest of the world is outside. the training section got half day. standby got to go an hour early. hope we can go early too on new year eve. but yeah, i was just reflecting. it's amazing how things have progressed. i'd think back to those primary and secondary school days. wow. can just laugh at the amount of teenage angst then heh...

i think i've grown stronger. i'm always pleasantly surprised when i find myself slogging through some of the horrible stuff. there's always sth to look forward to. i hope the list never gets empty. and if it does, it's time to make it filled... sunday, new year's eve... bball on sat. it'd be a smashing end to the year!

Life's good

2007-12-18T01:11:00.000+08:00

Loads to blog about, but guess my dear blog just doensn't have the fate for new entries. after months of whiling and toiling away at work and what not, have loads to mull over nowadays. long time since i have those 'blogs in the mind' while travelling around. it's nice being able to just sit back, think bout everything and mentally pen down thoughts... too bad never got around to typing them out. been planning to but all never went to plan...

loads have happened. most memorable is syc. my. like the day right after staying over i had syc-hangover. again. and even though i knew no one knew, been only there for one night. there's just so much more that could have been said and done. one whole night staying awake just ain't enough... dang. i wanted to blog so much more bout it, but oh well. leave it as it is

other things have happened too. some camp issues.. bad luck finally going away but seemed to have affected harmann now. life outlook in general. yest big 4 was nice...

life's been good to me the past month or so. enjoying things as sian and bad things (and certain people) can be at workplace. can't wait til new year's eve

Life is like...

2007-11-09T22:32:00.000+08:00

Wise words from garfield (rare, though, i must say). i've probably quoted the mashed potato and cherry phosphate ones so many times...

hmm... i forgot what else i wanted to say coming here... it's just like... hmm... like u'te on sentry guard duty. someone 20m away falls down and is bleeding quite badly. u want to do something bout it, but u can't leave ur duty post. yup, helpless's the word... hmm... i sincerely believe if i just keep my head up and just slog it through the patch will be over. seriously surely i can't be spotted and caught AGAIN for some silly minor issues... at least this time round is nothing serious enough for informal punishment. i guess it's probably karma. when u don't respect them at all i guess i can't expect them to make life easy for me...

Instant Karma

2007-10-28T02:58:00.000+08:00

Nothing like a dose of bad luck to put things in perspective... things haven't gone that well for the past week or so... started with the being late for barely a few minutes and having to do an extra hour. then making the mistake thanks to a slight oversight on my part. the argument between the specs and men. getting lost for a while looking for a nonexistant block thanks to my muddling up of certain numbers and being disappointed by the food after we finally got to the intended destination today. not doing so well in fm (i guess that's more related to skill. and is prob as trivial as any bad luck goes anyway, but still..) the spilt soup and slightly burning myself. and my betting (though, barring scotland, tt has been more like a trend stretching for some time than sth recent in the past week)

but somehow, i don't really feel that unlucky in a way. it's like this series of unfortunate events just made me more appreciative of some things around. it still sucks to be in those situations but sometimes suffering from these bouts once in a while don't feel that bad. it's like i'd only ever deserve that amount of good luck. so i can just console myself that i'm just repaying for all the horrible things i've done

hopefully, it'd end though. i can't say it hasn't affected me as much as i like to go about the same way, holding firm belief that it's just a passing phase and things will turn around before i know it. job satisfaction has probably the first to plummet amongst other things (though maybe it's the other way down, where the run has partly been caused by the things happening at my workplace)... and while i'm sure it'd end eventually, i can't see myself still being upbeat if it lasts. it's a good thing that the last time i remember being really down after a bout of bad luck has been months ago. things can so easily turn out to be another case of martin jol and tottenham. we all know they're way too strong to be slumping in the position their in. and everyone was (and is still) sure they will climb out of their mess after the first few games of the season. so one game just comes at a time. and poof. it's a quarter through the season and they're still mired in the situation. they will recover eventually but that's it. the season's over before it started. all the hopes of europe probably gone. ok. i digress (as usual). somehow i always delve into all sorts of theories of no relevance when in that contemplative and "reflecting" mood

on another note, i'm surprised i snapped during the argument. louis was the first one two, and i was next. 2 out of 8 haha. always thought that my tolerance of stuff before i get really angry and pissed was quite high and definitely higher than avergae. guess tt's not the case. maybe it's the way i handle things that didn't go well. more often then not i'd be ready and willing to take that step back, apologise and just get on with stuff, even if it means having to inconvenience myself and do a li'l bit of payback. but sometimes people just take advantage of it and gets unreasonable (maybe it's cos of the heat of the moment, i don't know). not the first time i got way worked up that way. and sometimes i think back, it's like way to extreme. like one moment i'd be sucking it all up and the next i'd retaliating and making sure life will be hell for them even if (and most of the time is) it kills me. if someone wants to play the game we can both die together. hmm, i should go for something more in the middle...

As we lie, in the shade of the poison trees

2007-10-10T23:37:00.000+08:00

time sure moves fast... i guess that's the good thing bout the shift system. before i know it it's pay day again. the start of like the few days every month where i can just spend without really giving a hoot. and so it's the tenth again... i never keep track of time. it's just like in sch last time. every day will just pass day by day and it's only when u look back and find out that some event has passed and you totally forgot bout it that you realise the time. hmm... again i'm not really hitting the point. but oh well

and life's just going on like that. it's like those li'l dreams... nothing significant, no pt in remembering, just helps while time away. slipping in between the tired, jaded trance, daydreaming mode, gaming, reading, doing duty. hmm, now that i mention i think i've said that like how many times before. things getting busy but sometimes i guess it helps time pass faster while u're busy scurrying around. sense of accomplishment sometimes is good too though the times when mistakes start arising suck.

happy as it is... i guess i can never help enjoying myself too much in my comfort zone and not wanting to come out. on one hand there's the looking forward to ord next year. still far but at the rate things are going it's gonna find me before i even realise it. but quietly i'm dreading late jan/early feb period. ok. i won't continue cos i prob will sound gay saying it. but come to think of it, i'd be seeing six batches ord before i can enjoy the holy grail myself. whoa. am i ready for that...

heh. now i recall the last time i came here. okay. i'm random today. guess it's been a long time i've been feeling like that old geezer.. how fast things change. and don't.

okay. i guess i had enough for today. i see no point in coming here. and now i'm talking to myself. and all the jokes bout saw talking so much that he prob talks to himself on the way back when he gets bored. oh well... FM2008 gone gold. october 19th! woohoo! prob going into deserted island along with it til late nov... til then...

Rodin

2007-09-24T10:52:00.000+08:00

saw swee kiong's book. how true. it's the same thing i've read before. just that the thinker analogy was so perfect.

was at ya kun today having my standard breakfast... somehow brought a warm feeling just observing those aunties banter. first time i see more to the side.
"in search of the simple(r) life..."

Whirl

2007-08-29T17:33:00.000+08:00

Life could be be so much worse... i guess that's a consolation. and i never want to complain. took a risk, a stab in the dark and guess i got out good. but it does take its toll. life seems like a whirl right now. sleep for four hours. get a job done for four hours. two hours rest. four hours more duty. six hours sleep. job beckons again. some ds. talking cock. sleeping on the bus. football news. sleeping back at home. rinse and repeat... i don't remember much happening these days. but guess there's nth i really wanna remember.

i'm still contented, but it's just i just don't know things around me any more. everything seems foreign now. time to take a stab in the dark again. but guess i'd never come round to it...
"good ol' wishy washy charlie brown"

What if I don't want to be saved?
This is me afraid
The violins are what's getting me going

Parallel lives

2007-07-24T22:09:00.000+08:00

Parallel lives. it's an interesting concept... and i guess it's human nature to imagine what things would have been if you have taken a different path. life's not like sam and max, or any other game for that matter. you can't see the results of all the diff options you could have taken. in fact, in games i often deliberately choose the option i do not want first just so to see what happenes before loading and then going on to what i really want... but i digress

but parallel lives exist in a different dimension. or at the very least only in our imagination. though i couldn't help but see one right before my very eyes. the similarities are just conincidences i'm sure but why take the fun away from thinking that it's sth more than it actually is like i always do. and now is the time where our paths branch out.

i wonder how it'd all turn out in the end...

Spots and scars of a leopard...

2007-06-28T22:11:00.000+08:00

just saw the photos they took last sat. how nice to send me. looks like they had fun... a real pity i couldn't make it. darn. my luck. would have been nice to catch up. i still meet up with some of them but it's the class thingy. oh well... i didn't leave a note for ms chan. but hope vinnie sent my regards. i'm just not one to put things down in words (and here i am blogging. the irony). some things, many things are better just left alone needing no explanation

something seemed to have struck me looking at the photos. i dunno what. but hmm... seems like i've been living a life that's not mine for the past half a year or year. i've blamed it on army, how there was no time after the exams before enlistment, how bmt sucked the life out of me. but i think in the end it was just silly ol' me, living in the little fantasy world in my head. only this time it's not just in my head. no turning back now. leopard can never change its spots. that's why i'm slowly going back into that comfort shell. it took until only today that i realised that it's not so much of mp giving back the life bmt took away from me. it's the novelty of the fictitious world that looked so magnificent, so green on the other side of the fence. sure, leopard can never change its spots, but it can sure develop a few more permanent scars
(okay, so scars wasn't the right word. the connotation of sth bad. but i can't think of anything else that's permenant and added on after time)

one day all of the lies aren't gonna cover no more. and tt day i'd pay for living the life that was never meant to be mine

Musings

2007-06-06T23:50:00.000+08:00

Been almost half a year since i've got the chance to do this... just surfing around the internet with nary a care bout the rest of the world. just clicking here and there, doing stupid googling and simply reading leisurely... and so i'm having the oh-holy 8 to 5 job. at least for this week. and to think back bout how magnificent it seemed during bmt. shaun was commenting how it isn't as good as it's seems. i'm not complaining. it feels like school all over again. and as much as i didn't exactly like school army (and esp bmt) has taught me that school life is just so much more fun. seems like i won't be going platoon 3 after all. sad. i guess i was alright with anything at first. but to have hopes played up only to find it's just a hoax. so i really failed the polygraph test cos of that stupid reaction? so i get nth out of feeling so insulted on that day heh. nvm. i'd look at the good sides of wherever i'm going.

things we saw today are just so cool. ok, i'd do better than shaun here and stop at that. eye opener i guess. really proud to be an mp. i could have so easily be stuck with some shitty job after taking the roll of the dice and ticking no that fateful day. i must really be thankful i'm so lucky. seems like ash and aaron are getting it bad. zhenhao too. but at least he seems to be making the best out of it.

and i was just thinking when booking out i should sleep early. been quite tired this few days. oh well. just one of those days i don't wanna go to sleep and move on to the next day. those days where i just want to slack around and leave all problems, worries, obligations, commitments and essentially all contact with the rest of the world at one side. i guess i never like to face up to reality until the very last moment when it's staring right at my face

I'm just such a commitmentphobe

(hmm, i think that isn't the right word. but oh well)

Rise of the Dead

2007-06-01T23:02:00.000+08:00

Hmm... Feels weird to be back here. but here i am. It's been some time. A long time. Hmm... I can't seem to decide where to start. Loads of things happened in the one year plus of 'exile'. it certainly seemed longer than that. i wonder what made me come back here again. there've been on-off occassions when i was tempted to blog again following that last entry but the feeling was always just fleeting and never really strong enough such that i'd do sth bout it. but somehow upon the urge has been more prevelent for the past month of so. So many things i have wanted to gush about. but i guess i'd just leave them as mere thoughts of those moments

endings mark new beginnings. it's prob apt then that i'm restarting this blog again today. Last day at Mowbray camp. slowly it's starting to sink in. the realisation that i'd prob never see it again. it's been a nice place. some place i would actually say feel like a second home. AJ never felt like one. Tekong was nowhere near the letter H. and i'm surprised i'm actually saying that i'm gonna miss an army camp. i must say MP was the best thing that could have happened to me for my NS life. now that i think back bout last times before enlisting. amidst all the comments about wanting to chao-keng, down-pes, etc, when pple ask me where i want to go i'd say not infantry. then i think bout other vocations i know of... medic. no way, combat medics have it real tough with the stretcher along with everything else. signaller. the freaking heavy signal set. engineers. building bridges sound like hard work... who would have known i really got my wish.

bmt has been tough. ultimately i got through it no problem but i could say i hardly enjoyed a minute of it. all the mindless stuff here and there, everything driven by fear and punishment. and then i shrunk back into my shell. never been the most outspoken of people, but i think for the last couple of years i have been slowly loosening up, less fearful of speaking up, etc. to think all gone to waste in a matter of a few weeks. i guess it's the way i handle my problems. i guess it's kinda normal too, just a li'l bit extreme cos read somewhere guys tend to retreat into their caves and mull things over before coming out only when they've solved the problem. finally feeling human again after posting out. but sometimes when talking i can't help but notice myself. i wonder what happened. sure hope it can improve

so now a new journey in gombak... can't say i'm happy bout it. but then again there's really no posting in mind which i can think of which is available and i'd like better. would love to go to isb or sembawang air base (if only just for the proximity) but sadly, nope. oh well.. if there's one thing i've found most useful in life,

COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS. I'm certainly keeping track of mine.

In Loving Memory...

2006-03-13T21:20:00.000+08:00

In Loving Memory of "The Blog"

One like none other.
Deeply missed and always fondly remembered by loved ones.

---
Perhaps it's time to move on...

City of blinding lights...

2006-02-22T22:11:00.000+08:00

and the mindless procession continues... the fatigue has lasted for three weeks now. everyday just seems like yet another romp through the motions. contemplated dropping chem s yesterday... eventually sth's gonna crumble if i continue like status quo, i thought... doing tutorials only in lectures and break cos of the late days and no work done at all at home. falling asleep when i give up and during tutorials when i don't seem to understand what the heck is happening. then feeling damn tired and wanting to sleep first thing getting home. then when the weekend finally comes saturday will be for science research. and sunday the day to get a life and actually go out. i guess i'm to blame cos i'm not willing to sacrifice sleep, pc time or leave sunday to just rest. but sleep is most important and no way am i sacrificing my last bit of what people call a social life over studies.

thought i needed to change sth. weighed through what was possible and chem s seemed like it. then lim kim thye had to confuse me by advising us not to drop. and attending the 'last' lesson made me feel like i actually like the qns and lessons. it's just the time i can't handle. and talked to charlotte chua today. hmm... i guess i'd hold on for now. but wondering how i'm gonna survive til june before things will start dying down a bit. sigh. and the teachers had to make me feel bad by not scolding me when i don't do my work/sleep in their lessons.

expectations... hmm. i wonder...

blogging bout stress and schwork. i might as well leave it not updated. oh well. leaving an entry i don't really like on the home page forces me to blog more often i guess. as tristan will say, i need to go out and start some shit

...

2006-02-16T21:46:00.000+08:00

it's been some time. a long while. but i knew it was gonna come anyway... i just dunno what the heck just happened. i guess it's just the build up of those small, trivial stuff. and perhaps signs of it started surfacing a few days back. but oh well

had this bridge program stuff for gp today. where the supposedly weaker students went for 'remedial' while the 'stronger' ones went for 'enrichment' after school at 5+. well, both synonyms for staying back for me. i guess it wasn't tt bad. larry lee toned down the kao-pei tone and cracked quite a number of jokes. his humour is interesting... always said in tt tone of his with a tinge of cynicism. talked bout cults and fanatism. didn't understand half of it, esp with the malcolm x part. but oh well. he was saying how this cult group in japan has all those professors and highly educated people. then said how those more intelligent people with no aims and goals in life are most susceptible to cult ideology. then made a reference to the people in the lt. and then i thought bout how he was almost like pinpointing me. i've never had much of a goal in life, and am staunch-ly unreligious. and all the gp teachers have said at some point or another how important religion for our spiritual fulfilment. sometimes i wonder if i can make it through when i'm down in the trenches. oh well. i should just believe in myself. believe in hope.

on to sth unrelated... hmmm... blargh. i admit it. i'm envious. there's only so much u can feel happy bout before u start yearning for it as well. so i'm selfish... i wonder what lies ahead. that missing jigsaw piece seems eternity away. oh well... hmm, i'm feeling tipsy. tempted to just not care and have an experience of how feeling high is like. heck. i'm even interested in knowing how a hangover really feels like. damn. restrain... so long then

Too Damn Good

2006-01-25T22:15:00.000+08:00

hmm... i started writing some comments bout ms in flaring up over the 'fish' assignment last wednesday and the sexuality education programme on saturday but didn't really get around to finishing it. couldn't exactly find the right words. so well, guess i'm deleting the draft. all i'd say is just how brainwashing and preachy the sexuality education programme was. the guy must be a pastor man. and the ideas put forth were so religious (though they never spelt it out). what happened to our secular education system? and as if that wasn't enough, forcing those ideas upon us and making us vow and condemn stuff. boquan actually checked up the organisation conducting the talk and found it linked to a catholic group. wasn't tt obvious... at least the talk gave me some fire if i am ever to write bout pro-choice vs pro-life in gp

k, so now on to my life recently. and i can't express how satisfied and content i am nowadays. only for a brief period of bout two days last week was i feeling down and grumpy... 23 out of 25 days... my, i guess life was never this good before.

i'm still complaining vocally bout everything and anything that happens in my life. and waking up dreading going to sch and going home dreading the homework that i have to do but never get around to doing until lectures and breaks the next day. but deep down i can tell myself i'm contented. wonder why things have been going so well for me. and i'm savouring every moment. still remember quite a few weeks ago kenneh was whining bout how down he was and i was like 'you'd get over it soon... look at me, ain't i happy now?' or sth along those lines. it was said kinda jokingly but right after i said that it resonated in my heart and i thought how i'm actually saying it from the bottom of my heart. looming deadlines that i know i can never meet but still put the things off til the last minute still worries me (science research and certain first aid stuff comes to mind even though hw seem to have lost its sense of urgency). but there's this peace and serenity which i can't explain...

also thought bout several things in life that has contributed to this state of psuedo-bliss. and i guess coffee and wine are definitely two of them. if only i had a nice, big bathtub and it'd be perfect... i was just wondering how much more beautiful life can be for me now (even though it's already really beautiful) if i can have a bathtub at home.

first, coffee during the day. the perfect drink to let you last the day. not so much keep you awake but more of how it slows you down (well, at least it seems to slow down my heartbeat and etc) letting you just take things one thing at a time without the need to rush bout mindlessly. the world around me seems to go into slow-mo when i drink coffee and i can take the time to muse bout the wonders of life and smell the roses along the way while handling the more mundane stuff like homework. homework never seem so much the chore when you're in a relatively empty cafe by yourself and admiring the tranquility around you.

then the bathtub will come in handy after reaching home. i guess i must have blogged bout it gazillion number of times but i'd do it again. somehow bathtubs have this miracle effect of letting you forget what you were thinking off. just experienced that in syc and can't wait to get into one again. and it's like those hot springs in japan except you can stay in the bath for hours and even fall asleep in it without risking your life. it's like baths have such a different effect from showers. when i'm angry, i'd like to turn the shower on as powerful as possible and put it close to the head/face, letting the water (either piping hot or freezing cold depending on the mood) just pour for a few minutes. it makes the emotions more distinct. makes me voice out (figuratively i mean) what's making me angry. kinda let venting my anger. but the bathtub with the slightly-below-pipin'-hot temperature. once i go in it's 'ahhh...' and kinda instinctively forget whatever's on my mind. things slow down to a halt and i can just enjoy the bath for at least half and hour without anything in particular in my mind. well, i'm the escapist so no points for guessing which i prefer.

and finally the wine. wine's best at night. heck bout dessert wines or what the connoiseurs say bout pairing it with food. i like it at bout 11+, 12. a while before my usual bedtime. and like to drink just enough (normally a glass) until the face feels flushed and i can feel my heart beating slightly faster. that feeling... godly... wine. the direct opposite to coffee. at least to me. coffee to slow you down and start the day. wine to end it and fastens the heart beat. oh, and coffee makes one urinate less while wine does the opposite. i like the flushed feeling and the heart beating faster. it kinda induces the drowsiness of cough medicine without really feeling drowsy. just the feeling that makes me feel upbeat bout my life and just think bout how nice the wine is. (i must sound like an alcoholic. but well, i never really got drunk before. i know how to control =P)

now tt i think bout it i guess i'm a weirdo. coffee is a 'stimulant' while wine is classified as 'depressants' ain't it... seems like they have an opposite effect on me if i take their meanings as how i understand stimulate and depress. hmm.. oh well. as long as i'm happy =)

well, as nickelback says, 'feelin' way too damn good'. well, i'm sure 'something's gonna go wrong' eventually but til then, i'd enjoy every moment of my life. maybe i'd feel blissful enough to attain immortality. and then the 'something' has come true given how i wish for a short and sweet life. damn, i'm ranting past my intended conclusion again. -kelvin out-

SYC 2005

2005-12-26T23:37:00.000+08:00

my, i've really neglected my blog... and no, i'm not gonna start ranting bout how i'm gonna blog bout this and that someday soon, cos i'm not sure whether i will now.

syc came and went. my, it was one awesome hell of a week. how i wished it could go on for so much longer (and i'm sure almost everyone who went felt that way)... it's so not like a camp at all. at least not in the conventional way. and i guess tt made it really, really fun. i probably won't go on to detail everything that we did as much as i'd like to ramble on bout all the fond memories down here. they'd just be there in my heart. things as fantastic as this camp don't need the presence of a blog entry to remind me of the days...

i'd always think back of the great time there. most memorable moments were the late nights i guess. hanging out at borders til it closes, going to starbucks for some coffee and gossipping and just hanging around orchard with nothing much to do except just wanting to hang out. way until midnight and later without having to care bout the last bus and last train cos the hotel's just 15min walk away. and even after reaching back at the hotel there'd be the activities as people slowly get ko-ed. the card games, in-your-faces, even the botched movie attempts

then there's the trip to the science centre. almost everything there was been there, done that, but somehow tristan, steph and mumthaza. the four of us just went on a photo taking spree. tt was really fun. i guess we kinda got clique-y sometimes during the camp. but i thoroughly enjoyed those times. as steph said, making friends is more important than having many acquaintances

i guess i was the slackest singapore delegate around, the worst host heh. probably talked to the least number of foreign delegates, probably the worst roommate in terms of bringing them around singapore during free time and etc. but i'm thankful for all the friendships made with the foreign delegates, though few in numbers compared to some of the others out there... it was really nice getting to know you guys. goodman and hung my dear roommates (my, tt sounded gay...) i hadn't been the best roommate i guess. while other people (most notably steph ko and han long) brought the delegates out shopping at night with their free time i spent most of my time with the other singaporeans. after all they're the people with whom i can forge the strongest bonds with because of the distance and ease of meeting up. and the cheapskate gifts i bought for them (though eventually succumbing to steph and moon's taunts of cheapskate and got better gifts). actually, turns out their gifts were pretty cheapskate if i want to compare by value, but tt's not the point. ok, i'm digressing. so i haven't been a particularly good roommate, going MIA most of the time (i spent like an average of 4h a day, almost all of which were spent sleeping, in the room while they spent much more there, be it preparing for their performance or whatever). but the last day was quite memorable. we just gathered around and started talking bout our experiences during the camp, 'cheers-ing' with vietnam milk lol. (it's a pity they don't drink. more on that later) and it's like even though i haven't spent as much time with them as i could have there's still an unmistakable bond between us. just by being roommates... just by the occasional chatter when i'm in the room, asking how their days have been, etc. and apparently they seemed quite fond of me still. haha, quite pleased with myself for that. then they pestered me to teach them singapore town (not really pester i guess, but i didn't really want to, so...). quite fun. lol, it's like singapore town became THE song during the camp.

then there's still so many other fond memories. the in-your-face videos. the drinking with tristan and zhi zhan among others and how we got the alcohol (all on video even ^^). damn funny. i actually didn't plan to drink. but they were all buying either beer or bacardi. and i hate their taste. so ended up getting a small bottle of white wine. no one else wanted in the end and i downed it all by myself. my, haven't drank so much wine in my whole life. got a li'l tipsy in the morning when i finished the half bottle still left on an empty stomach. thankfully nothing else happened (though i ko-ed on tristan's bed while waiting for the bus to the airport). now me and zhi zhan were like alcoholics on the last day, thinking bout how nice the taste won and etc. i can still remember the taste of the wine. guess i'd get shiu hei to help me buy when sch reopens and drink some secretly when i have the urge.

the airport scene was great too. zhi zhan finishing a few packets of siti's tissue. then muslim going 'i'm so tired from the lack of sleep'. tristan going 'this place is so dry my eye hurts'. and eventually, after commenting bout how heartless i am when almost everybody's crying (well, everybody except nadine i think. heartless girl haha), i succummbed to accursed baldwin's sobbing like there was no tommorow and 'had sand in my eye'. kinda like junio back then.

still so much stories from the camp (including nadine, tommy and in your face episode 2, lord in your face, the wizard's hat and the bee wand and so much more) but i guess i'd stop now. i didn't even went through what we did every day and i've already typed so much. took quite some pictures but guess i won't be uploading them. anyway we have the cd they gave us with all the pictures taken by alexia, our 15 year old photographer who look 18 and not 15 at all too (everyone in the camp was so shocked when we heard she is 15)

still struggling to put syc 05 behind. i guess i'm starting to come to terms with it. it'd been a heck of a time. i hope we meet up often. too bad i couldn't make it for nadine's plan for dinner for people in the north that day and those who went back RELC to visit david. (now, i must at least make a note about the horrible food and lifts there. the chef there have it real nice. all he needs to know is 3 dishes... in the end overspent the 110 allowance almost just on food alone cos we went for our own meals instead of the sucky food. and the horrible lifts... horribly slow such that it took 15 minutes to go to ur room from the lobby. no exaggeration. and then i don't understand the rationale of 1 key for 3 people of different nationalities in one room. got locked out quite a few times. and getting locked out was such a common occurance during the camp). thankfully i made it to the airport when david was leaving. got punked IN OUR FACES by him. but i guess it's nice just meeting up with the singaporeans. can't wait for new year's day at mumthaza's.

NOTE: and just when i wrapped up with that i realised i forgot to blog bout how i feel like i don't deserve to go what with the elite being at the camp and myself but how i'm really thankful to have this opportunity as well as more bout the stallies and the colorful personalities encountered in the camp (mr sociable han loong, ladies man mus, etc) plus the scandals heh. oh well, it's time to move on, leaving those beautiful memories stored in that special place in my heart

Council Summit - Take Three

2005-12-09T22:55:00.000+08:00

so i didn't blog bout japan as planned (but will still get it done). and right after chalet's over i gotta go to the youth camp thing. that makes three things to blog bout.

anyway, had the third 'council summit' (as eric puts it) yesterday. ash didn't want seoul garden despite the history (and how the four of us wanted to go there but didn't insist) so we went marche. for lunch. a first too. we went to the suntec one. don't really like it compared to the one at heeren. it lets too much light from outside in (compared to the underground one at sommerset), is smaller and somehow the food choices seem less. oh, and ash managed to lie terence into joining us this time round heh. lol, was laughing aloud how he managed to lie 4 times in a short phone call. seems like the 5 of them have never went marche before. so the complaining of the prices. and started pushing the blame to ash heh. in the end it wasn't so expensive compared to other restaurants i guess (and i'm kinda used to the prices at marche). but the mood and atmosphere wasn't there sadly. ended up just gossiping bout other people, leaving the others "for tonight".

hung around suntec for a while after that and went back to the usual place for dinner. and managed to convince terence to tag along too. nice. i think the manager there must think we're such troublesome customers. first we say we want our usual seat down there and then we request to have the 6 of us squeeze around a table. thankfully we got it. lol, kinda funny waiting for the sun to set and for the sky outside to darken while we were waiting before we start. the 'rookie' went first and we went a round. now that it's the third time round it's almost like we're used to this already. felt so relaxing now (not that the other times were tense, but more now). was great. and after all that it's time to part again. can't wait for next year when we can have the next council meeting. it's definitely something i'm looking forward to (and hopefully, we'd get a chalet done again next year...) i really hope things never change and we can make this a yearly thing or something like that. hopefully army won't pose much of a problem (and the clerk aspiration continues). it's just these days where you feel like you belong to this world and you're not just an outcast thrown into the face of earth with nobody to depend upon.

damn. they made me so confused now with what they said. but oh well, i'd just take whatever comes (as usual?). and i thought i my mind was set. that's the thing bout me. fickle-minded and stubbornness should be opposites. so what happens when someone have both of these traits? you'd just ponder over your choices, switch here and there with second, third, fourth and fifth thoughts before you get sick of everything and decide to be stubborn on a decision. and most of the time the decision will just be made by pure randomness. i wonder if i made the right choice then. but then again i've promised myself not to look at the possibilities. damn the council again for making me so undecided. but i guess it's nice knowing certain things. and as much as i hate them for this there's no doubt these meetings will be one of my best memories of my life

...

2005-12-03T22:52:00.000+08:00

i ought to blog bout the trip. must do so before chalet...

at least i've gotten myself back into reality. was still drenched in japan fever the first few days of returning. 3 consecutive days of ball, sl (my, was that stressful... i just can't handle kids heh) and science research... i guess i'm finally back to the plain ol' boring life. that's always the problem with me. the problem of how much happens in my mind. the mind's such a powerful thing. imagination. fantasy... most of the time the things that happens in my life occurs in the head. i get wishy washy so easily. hanging on to stuff that's over already. or playing some dream in my head before things happen. that's just so me. it always happens. chalets. vacations. or anything that gets me comfortable away from the usual routine... to think chalet and the youth camp thingy's coming up one after another just when i'm over this trip.

but not before i get a new hobby from the trip. it all started from channel switching on the hotel tv. so the free to air channels were all in japanese except cnn and bbc. thus, the favourite activity of many people when they're bored, channel surfing. i'd normally stick to sports. which i did for the first few days of the trip when volleyball matches and some gymnastics (lol, they should show gymnastics more often in singapore...) were showing. then on the second last day there were no sports on. next in line were game shows which normally don't require much knowledge of japanese to understand. but the game shows aired then were pretty boring. so i finally settled on a high school drama after a few rounds of channel hopping. and the surprising thing was i liked it despite understanding almost nothing of what the characters were saying. and no, it ain't some slapstick comedy type drama. or even sports drama at that (now that i mention them, i'm kinda tempted to watch hana yori dango. the japanese version of meteor garden. kinda weird considering how i used to hate f4 and such). so there you go. i got hooked to nobuta wa produce (finally managed to find the title of the series after a few hours of googling when i got back. and after some more searching finally got the downloads and the subtitles. my, it's good finally understanding what's going on. it was just amusing back in japan. now it's becoming a really great show). basic storyline's about how a guy who treats school life like a game and pretends his way as a popular guy in school is trying to help a really shy girl who is constantly bullied become the most popular girl around. throw in a weirdo and there'd be laughs abound in addition to the drama parts. my, do i love shows done like that.

oh well, i've digressed. now i forgot what i wanted to blog bout. so long then.

i just hate it that i'm not good with words... and hate it more that i care i'm not good with words. i wonder why my fingers on the keyboard stopped in their tracks then. and there i was giving myself excuses as usual. there's something i ought to do. and there's something i want to do. then there's the somethings i can do. but eventually, i just end up not doing anything as always. how me

Nippon sugoi desu

2005-11-28T19:09:00.000+08:00

japan was great. awesome. fantastic, wonderful, splendid, incredible. probably the best vacation i've had. and it was autumn there, not winter. the scenery was kirei and gorgeous to top off all the wonderful stuff. universal studios. disneyland. cute stuff. hot springs. high school girls (oops haha). even the toilet lol. (more on that later). can strike off canada from the list of 'places i want to go in my lifetime'. got so many wallpaper worthy photos of maple leaves already that i kinda got tired of taking them the last two days.

miss the hot springs already. thought the near 40 degree water i bath in (if the japanese taps are to be trusted) were hot already. 69 degrees the hot springs were. it was great. but guess i got inside for too long and got a li'l giddy coming out. can feel the heart pumping quite fast after but the muscles were really relaxed. sigh, i probably can't experience anytime soon.

and the toilets. they have this kind of electronic things attached to the toilet seat. i love the functions. they warm the seat for you and helps you clean up when you're done with your business by spraying water, warm or cold according to your choice. really nice. and can adjust two different modes (a more direct one and a spray mode) as well as the water pressures. according to the guide it's only half of the functions since hotels are afraid we'd spoil the seats with two many options. the rest include a drying function and actually a 'hand' which helps you wipe some time back until an error occured on a seat and the manufacturers stopped that option. now going to the toilet seems so troublesome again

i guess i'd leave the rest to some other day. though this time i definitely want to blog bout everything that happened. even upload some pics. (took 400+ of them ^^) if i can have it my way i'd be in japan for vacation every year.

Macdonald's and a number

2005-11-20T21:48:00.000+08:00

ball with the usual bunch today. stamina and physical was the plan today. ran bout 3-4k (well, according to kelvin). i lasted only bout 3/4 of it. or maybe less. hopefully i'd cover it before next year with regular running. i like the atmosphere. there we are, me and wei hao trying to skive while kian leong was leading the run. and when we got back, during the physical parts, all 3 of us just kept complaining while mr manager kelvin was nagging at us. then paul and jun liang came. joined us in ranting (on hindsight, jun liang just went bout the stuff pretty quiet)

the physical and stuff. so reminds me of the bball days at zh. you're so burnt out after the run and physical such that when it came to the actual basketball stuff then hang of things never seem to come. free throws were horrible. slacked some parts of it today. hmm, i must work harder next time round

had a few games of 3 on 3 after that. my defence was horrible. but i guess that's from my lack of stamina after the run. surprisingly played alright offensively despite feeling all weird with the footing

arcade at sun plaza after that. seems like a routine nowadays. not that i mind. watched weihao and kian leong play some initial d. then it was lunch at mac. where the most interesting event of the day occured. so we all ordered separately. then kian leong's fries and spicy double weren't ready so they were to be delivered to him. soon it came. the girl was holding the tray in front of him. but didn't do anything (we were expecting her to hand him the burger and fries). kelvin then commented how his brother won't take the initiative and we were all joking around. he was kinda clumsy when he took it. the light hearted banter went round as usual. then the girl kinda got embarassed by our comments (i can't remember what was it that made her so lol), quickly put the tray she was holding under kelvin's and ran back to her counter.

so as usual when a bunch of guys get together we'd start talking bout it. we were saying how kian leong scared the girl, then he started ranting bout how he can only blame his mom for how handsome he is. and the like lah. surprisingly the girl actually came back to our table a few minutes later. she had one of those hands for donation. so we all chipped in with a few cents each and got it. so the talk became how the girl likes kian leong and such. then they started talking bout an incident last night where wei hao got the friendster account of 3 girls that was working with the gang at a banquet and can't wait to check it out so much so that he forgoed sleep to add them.

the girl came back yet again lol. kian leong saw her approaching and started walking away. she realised and jokingly hit him with her tray. so she was actually giving us a free apple pie. which we presumed to come with the donation hand thingy. then kian leong talked bout how wei hao would like her friendster account but got sabo-ed by the rest of us when we all hit it back. then the most amusing thing happened. at least to us. "friendster don't want lah. but number can" was her reply. or something like that. lol. have anyone ever seen or heard of girls giving out their numbers without directly asking for it. so he got her number in the end. (i guess i'd skip with the trivial details between that). a brief conversation later and she went back to work. and she's only 14. gosh. mac, the new place to get to know girls i wonder. and the advantage over pubs/bars: no need to ask for her name and you know it from the name tag already lol. when we left we even egged kian leong to say goodbye to her. these things are so fun when you're in a group.

so they had these numbers on the hand. went to buy 4d. hope it comes out haha. and with that i gave kian leong a plan heh. regardless of whether it comes out tell her it struck and offer to treat her dinner lol.

played pool after that. paul's girlfriend joined us. she happens to know the rest quite well too, so loads of laughs and jokes between. half of them bout xin yi hah. asked kian leong if he had msged her during dinner time. he said no but maybe later. then started thinking bout what to say haha.

"they sure love playing with girls" as paul commented at mac (i guess that's to be expected from the only guy with a gf in our group). but incidents like this. the puppy love between two young people. makes you feel kinda sweet doesn't it

Weird people on a basketball court

2005-11-19T20:52:00.000+08:00

so i had a lot of material to blog bout from my two experiences playing ball at courts around my new area. i sound like i've just moved when it's been a few years already. but i still don't really know the area. but as so often is the case i'm kinda lazy to type them out. especially so when it involves loads of unnecessary description of people, etc. i'd get around it if i ever get into the mood.

well, i'm just feeling like uploading a few pictures so i don't lose them if my hard disc crashes all of a sudden. all the more so since my pc's infected with the infamous sony rootkit (go google it if u haven't heard bout it). and from ricky martin's album at that. grr. and again blogging bout sony's one of the several blog ideas i had since last time but it fizzled out before i got down to it again.

my room again. now time to fish out my previous picture of it for a before and after. and this was taken around september i think. when exams haven't started. it's in an even worse mess now what with wires and a ton of papers joining the fray. i ought to take monthly pics of my table to check its progress

latest jigsaw. the new panorama-styled ones. now hanging on the wall behind sis's bed. (i wonder how she can stand that. i'd feel so insecure with something hanging over my head when i sleep lol) it's 500 pieces i think, so was done pretty fast. esp with dad and sis's late nights. they have so much longer attention span than me. i can never sit at one place for long. started off pretty well, piecing quite a lot. then the lines came in and it was just staring at pieces not knowing what to do. i wonder if i've blogged bout it. i so prefer gradients in my jigsaw puzzles to lines. give me a blue sky anytime rather than some structure. and people normally comment on how tough it is when a jigsaw's just some scenery with the sky, sea, etc. gradients are so much easier imo. even if it's blue there'd almost always be that gradual colour change and you can kind of predict what shade and hue you want for the next piece. but i can never make out lines. never know what the next will look like. doesn't help that i don't like to refer to the picture on the box (another difference with me and my dad & sis. i'm such the oddball in the family)

i shouldn't have taken it at night what with lights just above the table. couldn't get a nice picture of it at all. i so liked the transition from black to colour but couldn't get a good shot.

take 3 of 3. on hindsight, i guess i shouldn't have used flash. and it seems kinda obvious who took the picture from the position of a certain displaced someone. (suddenly i feel an urge to take a picture where the person rushing back will trip and fall a la anime heh)

the science research team ^^. ugh, and it's these occasions where i wanna berate my inability to think of names instinctively. it normally wouldn't have occured to me to take the group photo until the science fair i think (even though i've been taking photos so often now with the need for pictures of our research process) but it was such a rare thing we got all five of us down in school lol. i think we've been at it for a few weeks liao, and throughout all our meetings etc we've never managed to get everyone free. even during the initial stages of brainstorming for ideas. so glad then that i just had to take this 'commemorative(sp) photo'. first and last time our team is together? lol. so i'd be off to japan next week. then hongyi will be going china soon after. and shiu hei back to hong kong. then i'm off to the youth camp again. and during the science fair hongyi and zhenhao might be off for competition. aaron might have another project. oh gosh. we're such busy people haha. and mrs ong's like so confident that we will start conflicting along the way. and almost like she wants us to argue. but we'd be together won't we? ^^. all the friendly banter on friday make me convinced we can do it and get something. kinda hopeful. then the arguments jokingly and such. i like this kind of atmosphere =).

take 1 of 3. i forgot to set the timer heh. it's so troublesome having to set it after every picture. i think it'd be more practical to make it permanent unless you turn it off, no? and well, zhenhao looking gay as usual :P

take 2 of 3. somehow i guess i knocked the camera when i ran back. so tt explains the position. well, i could just crop it but i kinda like the background heh. and oh well, i blocked hongyi. and shiu hei with his sleepy eyes...

Woo-hoo!

2005-11-15T22:08:00.000+08:00

am i glad this thing's finally working. but well, guess i forgot whatever i was planning to blog on.

oh yeah, watched a couple of movies. flight plan with vinnie, kenneth and patrick. i liked the twist. pretty good movie as a result imo. then tom yum goong with shiu hei and zhen hao. man, tony jaa is pro-er than jackie chan lol. i so agree with zhen hao. and to think the most amusing scene i found in the movie was early on when tony jaa bumped into a jackie chan lookalike (i wonder how they scouted for him lol). they dropped their passports and stuff and the jackie chan was like smiling and such with a friendly face while tony jaa was so acting cool. totally needless scene that just wants to poke fun. and i kinda enjoyed it lol. well, mindless's the word for the movie i guess. tony jaa just fights and fights and fights throughout the whole movie. it's almost like those video games (remember bare knuckle/streets of rage and final fight?). one guy against hundreds and thousands of henchmen before he fights a 'boss' occasionally. my, he broke like millions of bones. sound effects people must have it easy. just keep playing the bone-breaking sound. and after the show, while i was analysing some stuff in the movie it's like so many things unexplained. no more lik khian and co to break down everything like we did for hide and seek lol. it was nice i guess, definitely better than what i've thought going into the cinema. but just really mindless

i dunno what i wanna do with this blog nowadays. kinda like how i dunno what i want with my life now. it's like i'm contented. i'm not down most of the time, etc. but somehow sth's missing. and i dunno what is it i want. there was this plan of having a weekly thingy here some time back but it kinda fizzled out. wonder if i'd do that now. oh well. let's see how it goes. looks like there's no hiatus after all. recently i've been like checking whether it works. even though i don't have much to blog. ok, i've said enough. out and out

~.~.~.~

Quote of the week:
School rumble does it again lol. go watch it.
Harima Kenji (replying to Tenma's 'Sorry, did you wait long?'): No, I just got here. (Thought bubble: One of the top eight lines i want to say once in my lifetime)
lol. i guess i can't really portray the scene on words. can't wait to rip off some great stills from episode 25 (actually, make that 'can't wait until i'm not so lazy that i won't mind saving some screenshots). i wonder what the other seven lines are. i guess "my friend suddenly had something on and can't make it. Since i have 2 tickets, would you go to the movie with me?"'s one of them.
gosh, i need to be less naggy and more concise when i gush bout stuff. i think i just took the humor out of the scene.

testing

2005-11-11T23:56:00.000+08:00

let's hope this works

fuck blogger

2005-11-06T15:53:00.000+08:00

Take 2

2005-11-06T15:40:00.000+08:00

(damn damn damn. click of the mouse on publish post and all the content got deleted. thankfully this was short..)

i thought i was over with basketball then heh. well, this time i won't let myself down again. i'm still crap, but i'm gonna work on it his time round. let's go!

all happening in my head. i wonder if that's good or bad...

(shucks... forgot what i had here... damn)

almost there... my story

"i can't believe i did something that stood out like that...
but for a moment, i was happy..." Sawachika Eri. School Rumble 24. Magical episode

it's funny saying 'used to' nowadays

Stuff

2005-11-01T22:14:00.000+08:00

just filling in on some stuff that happened.

sat... met up with the stall people in the temasek youth camp. and reconfirmed how slack our job is compared to the cultural night people and the seminar ones. so after finding out that we have nothing to do, we decided to go for some bonding session heh. pool it was. damn. played pretty badly. oh well. hung out later at bk. poor mus. first we have to meet at mac and then stephanie (from hc) and tristan wanted to eat. too bad baldwin had to go early. doesn't seem right without our leader providing some decision-making heh. quite cool seeing the other stephanie from vj talk bout soccer and f1 haha. oh no, the camp's overridden with liverpool supporters. and was fun discussing bout what we're gonna do at night. and good to find out i'm not the only one who see no point in clubbing. heck tristan heh. looking forward to it. just hope the oversea delegates will be as nice a bunch. (somehow i'm thinking i'm really lucky with the kinda random grouping getting such a great group and with almost nothing to do)

today... bball at the usual place. hung out with kelvin, wei hao and kian leong after that for a long while. lunch, loads of crapping and jokes etc. the zoo lol. first impressions ain't tt accurate. i originally thought weihao was another one of those aloof individuals/jokers who just happen to play damn good bball. how wrong. and can't believe when i first heard he's two years older than us. i guess it's his jokes and lighthearted cracks at stuff that makes him feel younger.

Untitled (again!)

2005-10-31T16:02:00.000+08:00

it's almost like a race, or a test of endurance...

but the difference here's the loser actually wins.

...

2005-10-27T22:25:00.000+08:00

drawn deeper and deeper

my problem's i don't speak what's on my mind

and no, this time i'm not gonna take the first plunge

...

2005-10-26T21:06:00.000+08:00

i wonder how i allow myself to go down the long road again this time. guess i haven't learnt my lesson. in a span of a few days the tables are turned. blah

again the thing bout the simplest of things affecting you and me. felt horrible today after the panel discussion thingy. thankfully we had an hour plus lunch break. didn't even have the appetite then when i went to the canteen. went back class, watched clement and bo quan play magic half-heartedly and promptly fell asleep. sleep is good for these occasions. woke up by kenneth's call. kinda grumpy at first but recovered heh. even went around to play a game of scrabble before going on the useless tour.

bo quan and the class's been commenting on my sleepy looking face a lot more recently haha. even on days i feel more awake now. gosh.

and yeah, went zhan seng's house yesterday. learnt a little bit bout piano. my, it's tough. but while 'practising' the simple part suddenly it feels like back at the yangqin days. not the part i hate which i revisited at the tjco experience. but the part i liked. when u just got a new score and trying to learn the kinks of it. practising for a long time but not really feeling the strain. it was fun =)

knowledge. hmm, i wonder if 'knowledge is power' is really true. the more i know the more unsure i get nowadays. oh well

...

2005-10-22T23:02:00.000+08:00

basketball in the evening's just holy. my, i can't believe what i've missed out since i moved. 2 times in a few years just too li'l. and my did i enjoy yesterday. played ball in sch earlier. fun, but not really satisfying. then rushed off at 6+ for dinner and a chocolate bar to recharge before it's off playing ball again. full court almost immediately after a few shots. but i thought i played pretty well. scored quite some with offensive rebounds, fast breaks and getting into 'holes'. had a few assists too =). but too many turnovers. sigh. but my, i haven't felt so good on the court for a long time. did some sort of an airwalk halfway once. i thought the cheers and wows from pple watching don't really affect me. but my, was i hyped up by that.

signing up for certain stuff. there should be a limit to how much they can make you do things. sure, they are providing us with free services most of the time. and then they ask you for your address and postal code and they makes sure its valid. fair enough, i can still stand that, and then they make it compulsory that you complete a survey. that in addition to having to scan through which boxes to check. bleh. i ain't making much sense today

local radio kinda suck. well, i don't listen to it most of the time anyway cos the last time i used to listen frequently they just keep repeating the same old songs over and over again. but today, well, my connection's kinda lagging so no go for internet radio. turned to power 98. ok, so maybe it's cos i don't like r&b/rap, etc and the first few songs happen to be them. and then they have to mix a few of originally nice songs so horribly.. power, hot mix. what a load of crap. then turned to perfect ten. to discover lame ads and r&b/rap again. i'm sticking to net radio. oh well, guess i'm just in a cynical mood (blast larry lee for tt. i must not fall into the trap and start talking like him) and feel like bashing just about anything.

i think i'm such a horrible friend.

peacock

2005-10-20T22:09:00.000+08:00

so here it goes again. only this time it's a different meaning almost altogether. no wonder they call it magical. and at those times we actually wonder how it's ever gonna happen again.

and no. proud's not it
and yeah, someone got it right after all

---

k. went bowling today. suddenly i had a urge of bowling in the morning and lasted throughout the whole day. it's been a long time... so despite the weird, acute strain on my hand i got when raising my hands occasionally which kinda developed this morning (so bad sleeping posture has an effect on the hand as well or what...) i dragged the usual group along. 174 for first game. heh ^^. missed the 3 open frames by a whisker, leaving just a pin each time. but guess i was kinda lucky. a few brooklyns got away with strikes. couldn't continue the form for the next. a 119. pretty good considering the 'hiatus ' but as usual, would have liked it better. lost a bit of the feel midway through the second game. how i like the feeling of the ball just with the middle and ring finger in it to add that li'l spin. you know it's gonna strike before it hits the pins =). let's hope it's not just an anomaly and i'm really improving heh

i kinda promised myself not to pon too many lessons when i went to aj. guess it doesn't apply to post promo. qigong took attendence for physics. die. mr wee and mr quek asked for the bunch of us during fmaths too. lol, i ponned just two today and ran into some problem kinda. not a good day. but it was fun. playing the text twist and getting the six letter words the fastest almsot all the time =). analgrams rock. soon ignited the urge for scrabble and played one game. the guy quit halfway though =(. just when i got my bingo heh. played a second game and ms chua game strolling in to discover almost the whole class ponned physics. ah well. why am i recounting all this i wonder...

---

let's just get swept away by the wave

...

2005-10-19T18:37:00.000+08:00

dunno why i keep getting reminded of my birthday this year. my gushes over the rukia and kon figurine and kenneth saying how he'd buy it for me for it (i can't believe he actually tried getting the rest to get it. it's so expensive lah). then came shuli's birthday which i finally remembered and yizhin's. and mayping got the alerts thingy on the first aid blog. followed by benny's birthday before me. so no more forgetting of it heh.

well, as usual, i don't really put much imporatance on birthdays. but still, loads of thanks to those who remembered. sze ern's lame msg bout qigong while i was half awake (i actually thought i was dreaming lol. so just went back to sleep without replying until next morning) and then some. thanks again! appreciate what the class did too. kinda irritated by ms chua when she came out screaming but it's just a misunderstanding after all and she's all bubbly and laughing 15min after that. ms in actually reported she was furious going into the staff room and then she's all calm. woman. weird. oops haha.

the thing bout being curious. and then u learn a bit and realise you don't really want to know bout it. oh well. acting dumb's always an option. it's actually fun sometimes. gosh. just what am i saying. but oh well, no use speculating now.

i'm surprised at how fast i've managed to change things. heh. and i actually have the audacity to laugh at it now. cheers to stubbornness and the wonders of imagination.

...

2005-10-15T21:29:00.000+08:00

haha. open house. so i contributed to a repeat of what happened in aj open house last year. but oh well. only saw hock kiat. but i told him to go somewhere else if possible anyway heh. i guess it was largely boring sitting at the first aid booth located in one empty corner of the sch. not in the hall or the pe dept which was actually quite bustling with activity. the council dancing is pathetic. i guess it was only interesting when kenneth was there for around two hours heh. come to think of it, we were quite silly. running around sch at every sighting lol. then getting zhenhao and shiu hei to stop blocking the view. before that was really boring. at least there was some gossip after that with candy and weiteng haha. so guess it wasn't the worst of days as much as we're stuck at the booth with nothing to do.

later talked bout learning music. a cristofori branch was just set up bout a month ago opposite my block. and since then i've been thinking of picking up something. it's like i'm kinda attracted to music still. but dunno what to learn either. don't really like playing the guitar after the exp with ruan in p sch. my fingers aren't particularly strong and don't really like memorising chords. add that to small hand span and really weak pinky and how i detest blistered hands (i sound so puny. ugh) i guess it's not really for me. drums are kinda too noisy. piano seems nice but i don't have one. and probably will never get one. and using 10 fingers seem really scary to someone used to handling just two sticks. violin, cello... don't seem like the perfect choice either. and then there's the thing bout time. i better start before it's too late. first aid cert is so expensive =(

...

2005-10-15T00:08:00.000+08:00

Maybe candy's right. and then again, maybe the groundless conspiracy theories of mine're correct too. i guess i'm not prepared to go on another trip today

...

2005-10-11T21:56:00.000+08:00

life is like a game of age of wonders. at least my game. there'd be alliances, wars, backstabbing and everything and then there'd be this elven party. trying to maintain friendly ties with everyone. just content working on her tech tree and avoid battles. and then she realises that her allies are fighting. what does she do? i have no idea. perhaps that's why i still haven't continued that saved game.

i'd probably never understand how girls think. hui ping and evelyn complaining bout how they're fat and need to lose weight's just plain ridiculous. and after hearing it for the 578th time u kinda think some things are just like that

...

2005-10-11T21:41:00.000+08:00

I dunno why but i hate it when my parents talk to me bout sch and stuff. at the back of my head i'd be telling myself i should maintain interaction with my family, etc and it's their way of showing concern. but i can't help but feel horrible and give vague, one word answers all the time. it's not like i'm hell bent on not talking to them. but everything but sch work. isn't very promising when u talk bout sth u don't like anyway, is it?

Fanboydom

2005-10-09T20:12:00.000+08:00

Finally, after so much waiting, Ricky Martin's new album's coming out. 11 October. Life. He looks so different after so long

Nickelback's 'all the right reasons's out too. so is ryan cabrera's new album. my, that was fast. 3 cds i'm definitely gonna get by hook or by crook. definitely not gonna download. it all have to happen just after exam where i'm hankering for a shopping spree

...

2005-10-08T23:05:00.000+08:00

It's just such a wonder how the smallest of things usually matters most, how what is unspoken is often more important that what is said/done...

the memory of that day still haunts. some people are truly scary. i hope our paths don't ever meet again. i'm conceding without a fight

gosh, i'm just so dramatic and imaginative heh ^^.

In my dreams

2005-10-08T18:57:00.000+08:00

So the promos are over. but i guess i'd been 'desensitised' by all the tests leading up to the o levels. it just felt like another test. thought it happened for the mid yrs cos it's just after the holidays. but guess it's not now. thinking back i may be taking them too lightly. chinese just explained it all i guess. got the compo qns and thought, shit, i can't write any of the topics. started brainstorming and thought how horrible my ideas were. first para done, felt my compo sucked. second para done, i'm so gonna fail my chinese. thrid para, there's no requiem anymore. fourth, let's just get this over and done with and sleep. i'm so tired anyway. and that i did. same thing happened for paper 2. i'm so dead. then for chem and phys. during the structured qns i was skipping loads of qn. not because i couldn't do them. it's cos they either require too much writing or i'm too lazy to read the long qns. thankfully i got back around to them before the time ran out. fmaths was killer. at least that's the consensus among everyone. i had 10min left at the end of the exams, had 11 marks worth which i didn't attempt at all but i just turned my qn paper over, arranged the answers, tied them together, etc and just sat back and relaxed, telling myself i can't do them if i looked at them anyway. where's the 'do or die' attitude lol.

i feel so sporty nowadays haha. been playing so many sports. bball, tennis, badminton. think i'd go swimming someday too. and bowling once i save some money if u consider that a sport. hopefully that's mean it won't be that tough when i start training up my stamina for the 2.4 during the holidays. no more failing...

i could probably listen to lifehouse's songs for ages. totally love their album, playing them on loop and i'm still not sick of them. it's like i've really liked half of their songs at some point. you and me's the hit. blind's my fave. come back down always sound nice. had one time where i really liked better luck next time. now kinda hooked on into the sun and we'll never know.

sleep... is good ^^.

ffvii: advent children rocked. cloud was cool (though i'd have preferred a slightly gruffer look compared to the 'pretty boy' one). tifa was hot. yuffie was cute. lol. would have liked the gang (yuffie and red xiii especially) to have more screentime and lines, but it was really nice imo. though kadaj and co was kinda irritating. baldy's (now what's his name) attempts at being funny weren't really successful. aerith wasn't revived =( (i was so hoping for it to happen when i saw her in the screens when the show was just announced. too bad. her face was never really shown either. loads of suggestions to her but not good enough. and when did cloud and aerith ever flirt so much. either that or i'm getting the wrong info out of things). realised i forgot so much of the ffvii storyline. the most lasting memory was how square decided to screw me up by letting aerith die, cloud go insane and tifa to take care of cloud. i so hated that part heh

starting to watch a li'l more anime. maybe it's time to wipe off the dust off the anime blog. or maybe i should just deem it a failure... bleach almost certainly going over 52 (unless we get a rushed, lousy ending) won't do anime blogging too good anyway. and yakitate japan's still running. still 2 episodes to go in school rumble. haven't finished mahou sensei negima either. hmmm... maybe i was too ambitious with it

corpse bride was nice. april snow's coming. into the blue's poster is so reminisce of baywatch (not tt i watched, or am planning to watch it. but it left such an impression when we were checking out the movies on friday). wanna get lilo and stitch 2.

lol, saw the rukia and kon figurines at comic connection! but it came bundled with ichigo. and costs 70 together. i want the act-cute rukia poster too. and whitey's to shore up the window at the side of my rooms that's causing reflections on the monitor every morning.

i wonder how i'm gonna clear the mess of papers in my room now that promos are over.

i want to get fm 2006 on 21st october... wonder how i'm gonna save so much in two weeks.

time t whip up the gamecube and gameboy. and then i realise i don't have any new games for them. grr...

i hope i can get a pc upgrade. hdd's way to small. need a new graphics card. processor and ram can do with some extra power too heh

okay. enough of being totally random...

...

2005-09-26T22:27:00.000+08:00

A lot of things have happened. but kept holding off blogging so don't really feel like elaborating now.

wed: briefing for the temasek youth camp thing. almost all the student council presidents were there. add a few more councillors to that and you have a room where people start talking like they acually know each other for some time right off the bat. at least the pple there seem pretty nice. saw chai luang/sharon! at first i was looking out for the two people in tj. caught a glimpse of them walking in and thought, shucks, i don't know them. but just as she was gonna sit down it was "isn't that sharon? hmm, looks a li'l different, but it's her alrite." eye contact and it's her indeed hah. really nice catching up. hearing bout 01 post-kelvin and lymon. the random stuff, etc. great to have someone i know except see wai (and even then i don't know her after it was told that we were the two selected).

thus: i'm almost sure sth happened, but tt's what i get for not writing down whatever i wanna remember

fri: the magnets, an a capella group came to aj. real nice. especially andy, the beatboxer. he's probably the best in the world. except for the cymbal all the other sounds don't sound any different from the real thing. i esp like his snares and hi-hats... flawless and real cool. colin, the bass guy's really good and eloquent too.

sun: got the tickets for the magnets concert at victoria theatre. ^^. went with some classmates. some thought it wasn't that good cos the jokes from the aj performance were repeated. but i thoroughly enjoyed it. guess i don't mind things being the same every day. during many songs it seems like i'm always the last guy still clapping after the magnets initiated everyone to start clapping some time back. then trying to get hinho, etc to go along. and actually did the boogie thingy for the encore. didn't do it at aj, so thought, well, why not. i think i was the highest amongst the 9 of us who went then. kinda rare sight i guess haha. and bought their album after that lol. complete with all 6 signatures when they were coming down... lol, anna and evelyn were so disappointed that andy didn't look as good close-up. spoilt the image they had when looking from far, they say heh. but i thought they looked kinda suave.

hmm, i'm not taking the promos seriously enough. i will not be complacent... work, work, work...

You don't have to paint me a picture/Alan Jackson
---
The kiss was colder than I remember
When we first said hello
I guess the flame's now a little lower
I can feel you letting go
You know the pain drops a little darker
Then when you first put it on
I guess your love's like some old cheap and magic marker
Said forever nice go

But you don't have to paint me a picture
You don't have to say things at all
You don't have to paint me a picture
I can see in the writing on the wall

When we first fell, we fell a long way
Summer nights and winter days
Mountain sunrise, ocean sunset
Hand in hand in the haze
Now it's cold heart summer evenings
And there's clouds on my sunrise
But you don't have to smile and say you're happy
I can see what's in your eyes

You don't have to paint me a picture
You don't have to say things at all
You don't have to paint me a picture
I can see in the writing on the wall

Loving this song. been stuck in my head for the past two weeks or so. so it's not the magnets heh. ugh, i'm too lazy to upload it for now. if i'm still loving i think i'd want to get this as background. or maybe i'd upload the magnets haha. (gosh, i'm so smitten over them like some fanboy)
when i first listened to it it sounded like some dreamy love song. maybe it's the influence from mltr's paint my love. or the way alan jackson and those country tunes sound so light-hearted. but upon more detailed hearing and looking up of the lyrics it now sounds so... deep and magical. truly, you don't have to paint me a picture.

this time i'd learn to be more stubborn. no more wishful thinking, always leaving the back door open to come back again. time to start living without fear of what others think.
and to 'you', thanks a whole lot for making me understand just what a fool i was

...

2005-09-20T21:42:00.000+08:00

it's one of those days again. where i wonder bout how everything could even have been possible. thinking how blessed i am for things to be able to go 'normally' when the odds seem so stacked. and for some reason, melancholy was slipping in from all those thinking. must have been lim kok wee's kao pei-ing during pe for some useless stuff. acting so obnoxiously self righteous over something so unreasonable. i wonder what has happened to some teacher's common sense.

but i'm truly blessed for all the finer things in life. before the gloom can seep in long enough for me to wallow in my ill-advised indulgence simple things like an exquisitely made latte, the brilliant night sky and some captivating music managed to lift me up. and then there's this chat with lymon. been a long, long time since i felt so happy for someone. i'm still beaming now thinking bout all the stuff haha. it's like watching two innocent kids at the playground having the time of their lifetime just chasing each other around, etc, mirthful, merry and gay (gee, i sound so old). truly i wish that it will all be a fairytale. it's things like this which makes you believe in eternity again. for so long i've been searching for sth eternal, sadly it seems like eternity doesn't last forever. but i'd hold out for the dream. after all, when there's still hope around bank on me to be there. what else can explain all the silly things i do sometimes which so often seem like (and almost always turns out to be) a plain waste of time. some people find the willpower to live in trying times in religion, some find it in belief while yet others in fear. hope's probably the key element for me.

heh. so i was talking bout someone else and before i know it it's back to me, myself and i again. sheesh, i'm getting more and more narcissistic by the day. and this blog's probably not doing it any good. time out then

Overflow

2005-09-13T20:51:00.000+08:00

it's such a wonder how the slightest of things can lift one's spirit up so, and equally as bewildering how something as insignificant can lead to so much angst and turmoil

it's just too bad that the competitive people are meant to rule and call the shots. maybe one day they'd comprehend that not everyone thrive in having a packed, enriching life. and even better, perhaps they can learn to sit back and smell all the wonderful roses along the way

...

2005-09-12T23:48:00.000+08:00

Tonight i feel like an idiot

...

2005-09-12T00:29:00.000+08:00

so many people blogging bout going back to sch tml. so in line with the comformist spirit, i shall do the same. actually i should sleep. planned to pack bag and do so. but taking an eternity to get things sorted. so kinda gave up. but sth's telling me not to sleep yet. so here i am for a while before forcing myself to. 4th term resolution: get rid of monday morning blues. or just early morning blues at that. or even better to lose that eternal sleepiness in chem, phy and gp. then again, it's kinda nice sleeping in lectures. argh, jekyll and hyde again heh.

it's like i had been going around sch in a stupor just following my class around for classes without actually being therethe last few days before the holidays. hope to get rid of that. i need more concentration when it matters. and finally drafted some sort of a study plan. actually not really considering it just reads (1st weekend: phy, 2nd weekend: chem, 3rd weekend: maths). need to do sth more in depth and start the revision soon. heard so many already half way done or sth. at least my tutorials are kinda up to date. except for those which needs tys... and as unprepared as i am for the promos i can't wait for it to end.

i'm almost tempted to post lyrics/verses again haha. don't think i wanna keep up with that habit. well, i guess it's due to my more frequent playing of music most days. i don't normally turn on itunes whenever the pc's on last time... so i'd just let the lines ring inside my head then...

Ramblings

2005-09-11T00:39:00.000+08:00

i really love my ipod haha. always chooses the right song at the right time. this time it's kimi sae ireba. ED song for love hina. i've had that for ages but the starting 'i'm a dreamer' have never resonated so...

there was a time i firmly proclaim myself as a pessimist. now i'm no longer so sure. at heart i think i'm indeed a dreamer. someone who lives in dreams and fantasies. then comes along the reality check. and everything seems to crash back into the ground. but i still hold on to those aspirations and hopes, yearning one day that it will somehow happen

most of the times i like to play by the rules. in this game with no rules. i'm long past the stage of thinking that life is fair, but then again sometimes i think i still think that way. so i continue playing my game largely adhering to my own set of rules, only to find the winners often those who play loose. so sometimes i step out of my imaginary line, only to loathe what i did once i'm done

hmm, read what i just typed... sound kinda depressed when i'm not really so... must be the night making me oh-so-philosophical again. i guess i shan't continue from there then. was gonna go on bout lying but i think i'm out of point now anyway what with how i expressed everything.

filling up the form for the youth camp thingy now. sigh, it's been a cause of so many headaches. at first i thought it sounded pretty cool. thought it was held overseas. so found it quite interesting to go somewhere (probably) new and interact with other people. then i got to know it's the overseas people coming over. half the fun gone. and next i realised each jc only sending two people. which probably means quite some hotshots (i still don't get why they got me to go... damn, why did hongyi have that volleyball thingy. and there's still this kenneth lee. and other 'high-flyers'). i dunno, but my experiences with such things haven't gone too well.. there's always this fire burning in these people and i just can't match up to their passion giving how i like things to be laid back and stuff. well, guess i can just hope and hold out for the best. visits to NUS and TLC seems nice, science centre and night safari could be kinda fun if the company is right, so yeah. it might just go well. and a mini-obs of some sort. don't really know what to expect but could be fun. though the contry seminar, exhibit and cultural night thingy seem to be the sort of things i loathe the most.

so i agreed to go mainly cos i don't really want some sort of a run in with the pw hod (who seems kinda nice at least) and the vp (now tt's another matter. grr... she seem to have some agenda against first aid. a week into my publicity head post and i got 3 complaints from her, albeit indirectly, already.) and as mentioned earlier, the thing did seem kinda fun then. but now with the knowledge of how the thing is, the planning of the chalet and travel plans gave me second thoughts. so how am i supposed to answer "how do you think you can contribute to this programme?" and "What do you hope to gain/learn from this programme?". wonder if i can just put N/A in those blanks lor. but vp checking them... grr... well, i've given my consent, so, again, hope haha.

so holidays are gonna end. i will miss meeting up with friends i guess. 3 weeks to promos... kinda scary but then again i sorta want to get over and done with it. other pple seem to have put in a lot of effort during the hols. it's time i ought to start. hope the kinda consistent work will be good enough cos i seriously doubt i'd have the time to revise thoroughly.

okay, i probably have ranted enough. oyasuminasai miina-san =)(=

Here it goes again

2005-09-09T18:46:00.000+08:00

There i go again. new song... Here By Me by 3 Doors Down. hmm, the songs always sound much worse in 56kbs. but i still like them heh. i wonder what's the reason i don't normally like to have the more popular, supposedly nicer songs up. like blind vs you and me... now this vs here without you which i love as well...

past few days went great for me. and before i know it it's thursday now. oh wait, it's friday :(. shucks. i haven't slacked as much as i wanted to. in terms of just idling away at home i mean. and i haven't done any work bar one tutorial.

tennis and badminton was kinda fun. hope we can squeeze some time out again. somehow i don't seem to take promos seriously enough. but maybe tt's the right way to approach tests and exams.

going on to something unrelated again, the thought of pw's kinda haunting me. eom due last friday. i haven't handed mine up. or found a new article. and gotta meet up tml. sian... ok, shall resolve to study hard on sunday. maybe i'd wake up early and go to the lib just when it opens. i need to find some routine in my studying places instead of hopping around whereever's free or i/my friends feel like going. somehow amk lib still hasn't turned out to be like woodlands when jeff was there. even though they know my drinks now heh.

Verses of the day (don't worry, this is not gonna continue. i think. ;))
I'm sorry I can't always find the words to say
But everything I've ever known gets swept away
Inside of your love

And everything I have in this world
All that I'll ever be
It could all fall down around me
Just as long as I have you right here by me

Click here for the full lyrics.

Saint

2005-09-08T00:26:00.000+08:00

Sometimes i think my problem's i think i'm a saint. that i can do anything and everything as long as i set myself to. and of course, that doesn't happen. i guess that's the best reason i can give myself over many things. you know that incredulous feeling knowing that you've made a difference to someone's life and that effort is appreciated? maybe i can't do that everyday. and til now i still say maybe cos one day i sincerely hope to be able to do that.

in other news, i've been out so often this 'long weekend'. and at aaron's house almost everyday i think. it's nice meeting up with friends. but i guess it's time to put in the effort in studies.

Verses of the day
"The more you see the less you know
The less you find out as you go
I knew much more then than I do now
...
The more you know the less you feel
Some pray for others steal
Blessings are not just for the ones who kneel... luckily"
City of blinding lights/U2

Story Time

2005-08-30T20:46:00.000+08:00

Once upon a time there was a man called mcnish. one day, he won a lucky draw. the prize: a seven day tour around heaven. heaven, being heaven, is of course such a wonderful place and mcnish had loads of fun during the tour. he had never been happier in his life. he even met ms angel, who as her name suggests, is an angel. she was the most beautiful and kindest girl mcnish has ever met. it was the time of mcnish's life being able to get to know her.

alas, the tour ended. what heaven, ms angel and mcnish did not know was the effects heaven had on humans. stay more than 7 days and they will suffer when they go back to earth. mcnish, unfortunately, stayed for 7 days and an hour and prompty contracted heaven overdose wilting syndrome (HOWS). HOWS is a terrible disease and ebbs away a person's life, both physically and mentality. of course, mcnish was in pain and actue agony. he struggled badly trying to cope with the disease. every day seemed like eternity as he has to go through all the trauma every moment. he hated his life immensely. after a few months, the disease was into its final stages.

one dark and stormy night, mcnish at last managed to look past all the pain and sorrow he's been feeling. as such, he soon saw himself in the middle of a dark tunnel. then he saw the light out in the distance and moved towards it... finally he could let everything go and go into the light, away from all the pain he's been feeling.

however, ms angel soon appeared. being an angel, she used her supernatural prowess to haul mcnish back to life. however, she did/could not do anything more and left mcnish back at his previous state. the state where he just contracted the disease.

and once again, mcnish has to go through all the sorrow again. momentarily there was the feeling of elation... "Yes, i'm alive again" he thought when first brought back to life but then the reality of HOWS came crawling back. 'why won't ms angel go the full distance and save him from all the agony? or why didn't she just leave me alone to die? after all, i've finally looked past everything that has happened' he thought.

thus comes the moral question behind the story... will mcnish be wrong to blame ms angel for what happened? in his mind ms angel has always been just infallible. " well, everything she does is beautiful. everything she does is right" he would think. but somehow he couldn't help but feel disappointed at what she has done (he can't seem to blame her still)... and while writhing in pain from HOWS he makes a plea to ms angel: leave me be to move on past what has happened and make no attempt to bring me back or just stay with me through everything. please don't be so nice if you don't mean it.

THE END

and along with the spirit of story telling i would like to point out that the story above is just a work of fiction. all the characters and events portrayed in the story are purely fictitious, and any resemblance to real people or events is purely coincidental...

---

anyway, back to real life. i felt so hyprocritical today... i actually managed to choke out a laughter despite feeling insulted by what was said. i remember all i could do in scenarios like this previously was force out a light smile. sometimes i wonder how it's like having friendships at the top. sadly most of my experiences with people of power/status turn out to be one big farce. i wonder if tt's the type of relationships and bonds those people form. i often look at ministers playing golf together or socialites doing what they do best and feel skeptical if they are really friends in the true sense of the word. i certainly do not desire such superficial friendship with other people just so they are important, etc. simply, why do i even want to mix with important people...

it's my life... let me chart out my own course. i'd find the balance i oh-so-seek one day...

It's only the fairy tale

2005-08-29T21:53:00.000+08:00

let's see. i wonder how to start. only been a week but blogging seems somewhat foreign now. and as so often the case yet a few more entry ideas/plans slipped by. i give up postponing them... if it's meant to be, i'd remember again some day. so i went to malaysia to grandma's house through the weekends. but nth really much to blog bout it. once again, i should have brought my cam. must remember to do so next time.

new song... insert song from mai hime

It's only the fairy tale/Miyamura Yuuko (Alyssa Sears)
---
Who are those little girls in pain just trapped in castle of dark side of moon
Twelve of them shining bright in vain like flowers that blossom just once in years
They're dancing in the shadow like whispers of love just dreaming of a place where they're free as dove
They've never been allowed to love in this cursed cage
It's only the fairy tale they believe

so the pronounciation's horrible. and the lyrics kinda only apply to the anime. and it sounds a li'l weird at first but i like the way it is sung. it... resonates... and well, cos of the way all the words are slurred up (i guess the excessive slur was deliberate since the character was a li'l girl in the anime. and it kinda blended to the melody) i remember the last line as "It's only the fairy tale happening". and the irony of how a line like that is sang and the tone of the song.

anyway, seems like a busy december holiday will be in store... almost surely will be make up for the first few weeks. then there's SL slated for end of december. and the way the teachers have been approaching me the past few days i guess i can't refuse doing the science research thingy for some fair and a sorta camp visiting some institutes of higher learning. think it's overseas even. well, i can't say i'm not interested in these programmes. but the reason i've not taken anything of that sort of thing before is of course, time... heck, i even gave maths olympiad a miss.

i dunno. 'work hard, play hard', they say, but that's not the way i want my life to go. i see nothing wrong with lazing around and just doing nothing at times. of course, when the time comes, i will put in the hard work but other than that i don't need anything else. maybe i have no aspirations, but i like to put it more like i'm not particularly ambitious. or competitive at that.

i don't really want a prestigious scholarship, or even a scholarship at all. i don't need an 'enriching, meaningful life'. a happy, easy-going one would be more than enough for me. i guess i should just take the programmes that come along positively and try to learn things from them.

i guess there must be people looking at my situation and wondering why i'm still ranting and lamenting when i've been blessed with such wonderful opportunities. but i think it's just like how i'm incredibly annoyed when i see some people more accomplished in other areas other than academic and work wise but still do not realise how good things are for them. it has occured to me quite a few times. perhaps i'm reading a person's blog, or see someone in real life and can't help but be quite irritated by the way they act, how they do not seem to realise how easy they have certain things. ugh, i don't think i'm making much sense yet again.

maybe one day i will finally be satisfied with what i have. and hopefully i'm not wrong in thinking that i'm just a few elements, albeit big ones, from what i want. let things just take its course i guess. certain things cannot be rushed. then again, maybe it's impossible for me to reach that state for i'm no saint. let's see...

then this thing about first aid... ok, so the commitments are still not too high even now with qigong's emphasis on proactiveness (oh yeah, i must finish my board soon...) but come to think of it, joining it might have been the best choice i've made so far in aj. i can't seem to imagine myself enjoying myself in any CCA which involves competitions. these things, along with the amount of time and effort to be invested, require passion and i don't think i've found that in the ccas the sch offer. and i probably would never have made it to exco in the other ccas. i think i see more signs of more bonding between the different groups in first aid, and that's promising. hopefully when we handover next year, i would have known everyone in the club decently at least. i'd probably have been lost in the droves of people in the other ccas. anyway, back to my point. so first it started with my form teacher. asked me why i joined first aid with that skeptical tone. proceeded to ask me my cca in secondary sch and why i did not continue with bball. or whether i was part of exco in bball (when there's only a captain). then the science research teacher... kinda like emphasised the fact that i shouldn't be too busy with the commitments from first aid and i'd need to stand up and grab the opportunities for others to notice me (not that i'm desiring that). and now finally the pw hod. she was like, "i did a check and found out you are in first aid. nothing wrong with that but it's kind of low profile. thankfully you're an exco member"... -_-. oh well. at least i know i'm enjoying my time there in a sense

Valiant, etc

2005-08-22T22:24:00.000+08:00

(MILD SPOILER ALERT)

Just watched valiant. a cute li'l show which i enjoyed. i guess you can never trust the critics. was kinda weary bout watching valiant cos of the reviews. i can't understand why movies like lemony snicket's unfortunate events, a lot like love and star wars got better scores. And how shows i thoroughly enjoyed like hitch and miss congeniality got bashed...

so the movie didn't really start off that well. there were numerous attempts at jokes but somehow i couldn't bring myself to laugh. suddenly the lines i've read in the reviews beforehand started resonating in my mind. and with the kids around me laughing at some of the jokes, it seems like i caught the wrong show. but things picked up soon and before long i was laughing out loud at so many things. albeit feeling like i'm the only one laughing at certain jokes at times. thought it really picked up at the part where the pigeon started talking bout liking pink.

maybe i got used to the humour in the movie as it went on. or maybe i finally managed to just sit back, not think too much and enjoy the movie as it is but well, it just felt like a nice movie. nothing too great, but good for a decent, light-hearted time. and felt that the timing was right too. the plot's the usual ho-hum animation story (can't help but compare the movie with robots. must be ewan mcgregor heh. both nothing spectacular but good for a few hearty chuckles) so it doesn't try to drag much. when the plot needed to be advanced and the climax came thought it was done short and sweet. no point in dragging something expected when the chances to insert those funnies are few. guess 1h 10min or so is a bit short but i think that's what made the time spent in the cinema enjoyable too cos not much time is wasted.

now eagerly anticipating march of the penguins. i just have this affinity towards penguins haha. have been looking out for the release in singapore since it became a hit in the US. reviews are great too. though people i know don't seem to really care bout it and have shown very limited interest (i guess dragging people to watch a lot like love was the biggest mistake of the year heh. credibility = 0 now..)

---

I think too much most of the time, making things out of nothing, etc.
And nowadays the line between dreams and reality seems to have blurred. Certain things i don't even remember if it happened in real life.
Then as usual, there's this overactive mind coming up with conspiracy theories and all the ideas and meanings behind things
Now i can't even seem to differentiate if there's indeed some subtle meaning in words or is it yet another figment of my imagination
And playing on the safe side i always do
I ought to throw it my all one day and see where it brings me to
But there's always this thing deep inside hanging on to the safety holding back presents
i wanna climb high, but the again i don't wanna fall down
i hope to just let it all go one day
Just a little bit more, i always say
But i wonder when that bit more's gonna come
Or how much would classify as a bit more
Just wish things will somehow work out by itself, presenting everything all laid out for me
i guess i'm dense sometimes...

(i would like to have continue a recent trend of sorts and come up with some poem or whatnot to express the above but the words just don't seem to flow. so well, all in it's crude, unpolished and unorganised form on top then)

(on other note, i seem to be running out of stuff to blog bout. or just plain lazy. i used to like typing down my thoughts and opinions on stuff, but somehow i don't think bout anything and everything as much now as compared to before. and recounting seem to have lost any glimmer of appeal. pardon me if updates come slow for the recent future. well, i do have an idea of sorts to update weekly. more on it on friday. actually had the entry in mind last week already but just plain lazy. oh well... but then again, whenever i say i might update less frequently interesting things will somehow pop up and i blog more often. let's see...)

I'm kinda tired of thinking up entry titles these days...

2005-08-16T23:00:00.000+08:00

didn't go to sch today... have been deliberating on it since yest. whether to use the slight sore throat as an excuse to skip sch. loaded on the unhealthy food on monday... cutlet during recess, kfc after sch and a sugar roll to go along with it. but somehow at night it still felt like it was gonna go away the next. added two chocolate bars before bedtime, which was much, much earlier than norm at bout 10. actually the purpose of going kfc was to do some stuff, but didn't felt like at all. lib's still the best place i guess

so woke up today morning. sore throat's almost completely gone. but thought of all the tutorials i'm lagging behind in. so just shut off the alarm clock and slept til 11. real nice. went to the doctor. who was so cooperative in crapping up problems with my body. the very slight sore throat (it doesn't even hurt when swallowing saliva now compared to on fri) became a 'dry, inflammed throat'. and he continued by going 'there's no fever... but u feel like a fever's gonna develop soon. so i'd give u some fever medicine' lol. then 'u sure ur nose ain't blocked? it looked kinda bad' followed by some cough medicine when i have no hint of a cough at all. so he earned easy money from a cheap customer like me heh. but he actually offered to give two days mc and two weeks exempt from pe. somehow didn't feel too good taking that offer. will go back sch tml and pe excuse only for one week.

but i think i lost the point of my skipping of sch. still haven't done my tutorials. crap. actually felt like going to the lib or some fast food restaurant to do the stuff in the afternoon but suddenly remembered i'm supposed to be sick and resting at home lol. and am i kinda surprised the first sms came from ernest lol. maybe i should tone down all the jibes and put-downs haha. but then again, he's the easiest 'target' in class for that and only one who talk bout sth different from the common topic in class. note to myself to drop a msg for friends who didn't come to sch...

---

Inspiration to write something stemmed from a few days ago with a few verses played out in my head as i was going about. as again i never really got down to completing what i'd envisioned at the start, but at least it's something i guess...

Sometimes i get all worked up over nothing,
Or feel down at the slightest hint of things.
Getting moody out of the blue,
Then back to being cheerful without a clue.

Some days i feel invincible,
Others i am just invisible...
When i get all lonely and lost on the isle,
May i seek solace in your smile.