Wednesday, February 01, 2017
Taking stock
So with the recent solo trips to Europe and Japan (hot tubs = introspection time), Yellowcard farewell concerts (Yellowcard albums have roughly corresponded to different periods of my life) and falling hard for someone (I need to teach my heart to learn from the head and take it slow) I thought I would do some retrospection. (Unfortunately, like many of my essays, much more is put into the front and I started skimping at the back due to the post's overwhelming length.)
2004-2005: Ocean Avenue. ZHSS Sec 4 + JC Year 1
We're looking up at the same night sky, and keep pretending the sun will not rise(I associate Ocean Avenue, the song and the album, a lot with the teenage years. Raw feelings with not much nuances, and songs/a time I look back very fondly upon.)
After rereading some of the cringe-worthy posts over here, 2004 (the start of this blog) seems like a pretty good place to start. This was roughly the time where I would consider myself "awakened". The moment the AI achieves consciousness. Before that I was pretty much a sheep, going along with the herd most of the time, letting the whims and fancy of whatever popped into my head dictate how I acted and behaved. And I suppose this blog captured some of the sentiments behind trying to break out. I pride myself now as largely driven by logic and an inner voice (unfortunately research suggests the mind can only do so much, see "the rider and the elephant" analogy) and this period of time was probably the genesis.
Ashleigh would occasionally bring up my proclamations that I will like to die at 30 during that time and it's amusing to think back on that. That was a desire driven mostly by fear and pessimism then. When I think about it now, I actually wouldn't mind going away at 30 still, but this time because for the most part I don't have anything I haven't done that I will regret not doing. Sure, there are things I would still love to accomplish like move out into my own place, discover a mathematical result and publish, lead a life of leisure staying at different places and experiencing the seasons, be a better man, etc, but these are more wants (and some not that hard to attain in the future) than anything. So it is now with optimism that I look towards the future, and I sure won't dread living past 2018 as I did when I was 16.
The transition to JC was an interesting time. Driven by the want of a fulfilling JC life I went to TJC for the first three months after an impressive open house. Alas, while the place and people were cool the period of time made me realize how much down time I need. Even with Yangqin and Basketball taking a reasonable amount of time in Primary and Secondary school there was always ample time for myself most weeks. I definitely didn't cope too well with the longer school timetable, time for extracurricular activities and 1.5-2 hour commuting time each way (oh, how I loathe commuting) and it got pretty clear I had to go elsewhere.
It was also during orientation and all that I realize how bad I am at such situations and how little impact my presence had on others. It's kind of cool looking back and seeing how I progress at each subsequent major social event (AJC orientation, SYC (x3), NUS orientations and conferences) with a mixture of improved social skills and increased comfort just being myself.
The next transition to AJC was moderately challenging too (aren't all transitions/major changes?). Orientation was passable, but mostly for moot since the groups are not related to your actual class, and it was challenging blending in given most people knew at least a few others from the first three months. 04/05 was ultimately a cool mix of people though it did take a while for me to find my footing and place there. The starting few steps in mixing in was amusing though. In one instance, I made a conscious effort to sit/stand with a group of people rather than alone, only to find out that this was the "loner" group who are probably faring as badly as I have been. I still don't know how I would now judge my Machiavellian move to abandon that group and try to blend into a different one. It was probably for the better but the romantic in me will like to believe a better me would have been able to craft something better in that scenario for both myself and others too.
Having Shiu Hei/Kenneth wave and get me to sit with them during F. Maths lecture on the second day where I still didn't know anyone was likely the best thing that happened in JC and made my JC experience subsequently a whole lot better. Many a day the only thing I would look forward to in school would be the double Math lessons, both because of the academic content as well as the comfort of being able to drop any facade/public persona I was putting on otherwise.
It's a bit of a pity that I hung out so much with ZHSS people, sometimes at the expense of hanging out with new friends of 04/05 but I wouldn't have it any other way. But it laid the foundation for two friends (Shiu Hei and Aaron) I'd probably hold on to for life and I will forever be thankful for that. Shiu Hei is probably the biggest reason my life is still intertwined with Mathematics and Aaron has always been a trusty constant I can rely on as I've come to accept his passiveness.
2006-2007: Lights and Sounds. AJC Year 2 + Army Year 1
So school was settling into a rhythm, and then burn out hits. I guess I bit off more than I can chew on here, with SYC, science research, First Aid Publicity and S-papers but I suppose you won't know you're flying too close to the sun until it's too late (there's a certain romanticism to Icarus' demise too). The first half of Year 2 was a pretty miserable period (of course much less pronounced on hindsight) but thankfully it faded away when commitments died down and I could pretty much just focus on academics.
In a certain way, studying major exams (O levels, A levels and later on for the advanced placement tests and university papers) were comforting periods of life for. There's a clear goal on the horizon, I can usually concentrate and zone everything out for a few hours each day and then if things went well I feel comfortable enough to just relax and chill for the rest of the day and do the things I like to do.
There's also the love/hate relationship with having a bit of a reputation for academics and it was most acute during JC. I used to hate very much people knowing way more about me than me about them when meeting new people (these days I don't usually run into the problem, and even if I did, I suppose it can be turned into leverage). But it was kind of cool getting more leeway with teachers, getting away with occasionally sleeping in class while others aren't given as long of a leash. These episodes, along with others in university reinforced a desire to be really proficient at things that matter to me. In fact, in a rather memorable Ethics assignment I made the argument that being proficient is usually the moral thing to do (bumbling fools often do as much or even more damage than "evil" people) and I still largely believe it now.
Having Shiu Hei/Kenneth wave and get me to sit with them during F. Maths lecture on the second day where I still didn't know anyone was likely the best thing that happened in JC and made my JC experience subsequently a whole lot better. Many a day the only thing I would look forward to in school would be the double Math lessons, both because of the academic content as well as the comfort of being able to drop any facade/public persona I was putting on otherwise.
It's a bit of a pity that I hung out so much with ZHSS people, sometimes at the expense of hanging out with new friends of 04/05 but I wouldn't have it any other way. But it laid the foundation for two friends (Shiu Hei and Aaron) I'd probably hold on to for life and I will forever be thankful for that. Shiu Hei is probably the biggest reason my life is still intertwined with Mathematics and Aaron has always been a trusty constant I can rely on as I've come to accept his passiveness.
2006-2007: Lights and Sounds. AJC Year 2 + Army Year 1
They gave you the end but not where to start; Not how to build, how to tear it apart("Lights and Sounds primarily focuses on the band coping with... success... and their hatred in living in Los Angeles". In a sense, that captured the feeling of what was likely my toughest 2 years: dealing with burn out for the first time in Year 2 and my intense hatred for BMT.)
So school was settling into a rhythm, and then burn out hits. I guess I bit off more than I can chew on here, with SYC, science research, First Aid Publicity and S-papers but I suppose you won't know you're flying too close to the sun until it's too late (there's a certain romanticism to Icarus' demise too). The first half of Year 2 was a pretty miserable period (of course much less pronounced on hindsight) but thankfully it faded away when commitments died down and I could pretty much just focus on academics.
In a certain way, studying major exams (O levels, A levels and later on for the advanced placement tests and university papers) were comforting periods of life for. There's a clear goal on the horizon, I can usually concentrate and zone everything out for a few hours each day and then if things went well I feel comfortable enough to just relax and chill for the rest of the day and do the things I like to do.
There's also the love/hate relationship with having a bit of a reputation for academics and it was most acute during JC. I used to hate very much people knowing way more about me than me about them when meeting new people (these days I don't usually run into the problem, and even if I did, I suppose it can be turned into leverage). But it was kind of cool getting more leeway with teachers, getting away with occasionally sleeping in class while others aren't given as long of a leash. These episodes, along with others in university reinforced a desire to be really proficient at things that matter to me. In fact, in a rather memorable Ethics assignment I made the argument that being proficient is usually the moral thing to do (bumbling fools often do as much or even more damage than "evil" people) and I still largely believe it now.
The "A"s were soon over and then came army. My experience of BMT was simply the worst. I was wary of the army going in, with concerns ranging from the loss of freedom, my lack of fitness and food (ugh, vegetables). The latter two won't that bad in hindsight but the sudden loss of freedom made adapting especially hard. Coming from post exams where you get to dictate almost anything you want to do with your life to having almost every minute controlled for the first few weeks were a big shock to me and I instinctively withdrew into my shell.
But like most zombie movies the scariest things are not the zombies but humankind itself. My platoon/section got a sergeant who probably took the whole good cop/bad cop way too seriously (he was the bad cop, of course). And when you artificially make a resource (freedom) scarce, and threaten people with withholding whatever little they had left (confinement punishments for booking out on weekends) you see all sorts of nasty behavior surfacing. I only made the connection later, but my BMT was basically a milder version of Lord of the Flies and/or the Stanford Prison Experiment.
On one side you have people responding to the threats of confinement in all sorts of ways. Transferring their fear and baggage to other people. Pushing blame to others and maligning people with little or no evidence. Sabotage and backstabbing.
Then on the other side, being the "leadership" badge and with the instructors dangling the carrot of "Command School" you see people trying to be what they aren't. I don't particularly like the word but the stereotypical accusation of "wayang" probably captured it best. And the sad thing is, many of those striving for these positions don't have much of a solid grounding for wanting them. Leading just for the sake of leading (or rather, doing things just for the sake of them) is one of the things that irk me the most. (Cue my favorite line from a poem If you can dream - and not make dreams your master; If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim.) Unfortunately that seems to be a prevalent drive behind many that permeates every part of society. It just got amplified to the point of repulsion for me there. It didn't help that half the cohort seemed like they came from RJ/HCI and knew each other but that is a hurdle I need to learn to overcome and not something they are inherently at fault at.
Amidst this miserable period of life was also an (at least initially) awesome part: being part of a relationship. Along with withdrawing into my shell HP probably kept me sane throughout the first few weeks/months. I am especially thankful to her for that (and regrettably have probably never verbalized it). I am also especially thankful for the experience of actually being in a relationship versus anything analysis and logic can teach me: from the joys and sorrows of the initial attraction phase and dating to settling down into a rhythm, the physical and the emotional and then all the things that blindsided me. Having crafted my life to be largely satisfied on my own I didn't realize that letting someone in would pose as big of a problem as it did. I regret not being a better person more in tune with my emotions and not knowing that problems don't just go away if I don't say anything/don't do anything to resolve them. I'm happy to see posts of her happily married on my fb feed once in a while. I am sorry.
2008: Paper Walls. Army Year 2
Post-BMT was about rebuilding myself. I got the luck of the draw to first be posted to MP school and subsequently to the hidden/slack platoon at Gombak Base. When I selected "No" in BMT to command school, it was more of a "protest vote" than anything. Thankfully, the dice rolled my way.
And hopefully this rebuilt version of myself can withstand adversity much better and even if defences are indeed breached I hope the raw, primal form underneath isn't as vulnerable.
I am reasonably happy with how the second half of army turned out. Day to day was very much menial, but I found my stoic leanings, doing my fair bit and getting out (for the most part) of juvenile politics and power play that is inevitably part of working together.
And as bad as shift work was for the body, I quite enjoyed it. Late nights with no one around meant quite a bit of reading, and I caught up on a good bit of classics I missed out on when younger. In particular, Animal Farm was a delight. It probably isn't what Orwell intended, but I have an affinity for Boxer (under oppression and without a significant chance of overthrowing those in power, what Boxer does is likely the most admirable way forward?) and I like to think he informs how I view my role in the army. Oh, and Catch-22 to remind me never to take myself too seriously. I even liked the late night patrols by myself in the deserted complex. They felt like nice walks (and I've since grown to love random walks) where I can have my thoughts to myself, only I also had a pistol by my side and feeling semi-cool about it (isn't it every kid's dream to emulate the cops in cop shows?).
Post-army/pre-uni was a cool period. Loads of time to hang out (I recall fondly chilling out with Ashleigh and some great conversations. I'm glad we still stayed in contact throughout the years even though there were periods of time where I wouldn't have bet on still seeing him semi-regularly in my life. I respect a lot of his thoughts and ideals than I often let on.)
2009-2010: Hiatus. NUS Year 1-2.
(Yellowcard went on hiatus some time after Paper Walls. There and then I thought it was probably the end of the band, and my connection with them will be just the 3 albums, of which the first I really liked.)
The first two years of NUS was a period of growth: at the start I really strove to develop myself in all aspects. Improving on my social skills in different arenas through orientation, GEP (such a terrible acronym) activities, Operation Orion OCIP, organizing for the next year, meeting professors, conferences, being a TA for a class and many more. These days I've settled pretty much into a routine that plays to my strengths as a person, but if there's ever a need for some of the more "normal, human soft skills" I think I haven't done too bad of a job developing those in this period. Academia itself also holds a special place in my heart. There are still the go-getters amongst them, but for the most part you have loads of awkward but very smart people devoting their lives to study things they are interested it; in a sense the ideal version I wish of myself.
Academically the first semester was especially interesting with Prof Koh's Engineering Mathematics class, Prof Saeys' Chemical Engineering Class (sadly probably the only ChE class I truly enjoyed) and Prof Holbo's philosophy class. Diving into pure mathematics the next semester taking Mathematical Analysis with Shiu Hei turned out to be my first foray into the joy of pure mathematics. The choice was initially just to take a course with a good friend (and even better if it's an area I loved but have "forsaken"), but I guess it's sometimes fun when you can't just predict where life goes.
But like most zombie movies the scariest things are not the zombies but humankind itself. My platoon/section got a sergeant who probably took the whole good cop/bad cop way too seriously (he was the bad cop, of course). And when you artificially make a resource (freedom) scarce, and threaten people with withholding whatever little they had left (confinement punishments for booking out on weekends) you see all sorts of nasty behavior surfacing. I only made the connection later, but my BMT was basically a milder version of Lord of the Flies and/or the Stanford Prison Experiment.
On one side you have people responding to the threats of confinement in all sorts of ways. Transferring their fear and baggage to other people. Pushing blame to others and maligning people with little or no evidence. Sabotage and backstabbing.
Then on the other side, being the "leadership" badge and with the instructors dangling the carrot of "Command School" you see people trying to be what they aren't. I don't particularly like the word but the stereotypical accusation of "wayang" probably captured it best. And the sad thing is, many of those striving for these positions don't have much of a solid grounding for wanting them. Leading just for the sake of leading (or rather, doing things just for the sake of them) is one of the things that irk me the most. (Cue my favorite line from a poem If you can dream - and not make dreams your master; If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim.) Unfortunately that seems to be a prevalent drive behind many that permeates every part of society. It just got amplified to the point of repulsion for me there. It didn't help that half the cohort seemed like they came from RJ/HCI and knew each other but that is a hurdle I need to learn to overcome and not something they are inherently at fault at.
Amidst this miserable period of life was also an (at least initially) awesome part: being part of a relationship. Along with withdrawing into my shell HP probably kept me sane throughout the first few weeks/months. I am especially thankful to her for that (and regrettably have probably never verbalized it). I am also especially thankful for the experience of actually being in a relationship versus anything analysis and logic can teach me: from the joys and sorrows of the initial attraction phase and dating to settling down into a rhythm, the physical and the emotional and then all the things that blindsided me. Having crafted my life to be largely satisfied on my own I didn't realize that letting someone in would pose as big of a problem as it did. I regret not being a better person more in tune with my emotions and not knowing that problems don't just go away if I don't say anything/don't do anything to resolve them. I'm happy to see posts of her happily married on my fb feed once in a while. I am sorry.
2008: Paper Walls. Army Year 2
Let's burn a hole, so we can climb out; Of these paper walls, and this empty house(Paper Walls marked a move back from the heavier rock in Lights and Sounds and back into the more familiar pop punk from Ocean Avenue. And in a way, these few years marked when I was starting to grow increasingly comfortable with my surroundings and myself.)
Post-BMT was about rebuilding myself. I got the luck of the draw to first be posted to MP school and subsequently to the hidden/slack platoon at Gombak Base. When I selected "No" in BMT to command school, it was more of a "protest vote" than anything. Thankfully, the dice rolled my way.
And hopefully this rebuilt version of myself can withstand adversity much better and even if defences are indeed breached I hope the raw, primal form underneath isn't as vulnerable.
I am reasonably happy with how the second half of army turned out. Day to day was very much menial, but I found my stoic leanings, doing my fair bit and getting out (for the most part) of juvenile politics and power play that is inevitably part of working together.
And as bad as shift work was for the body, I quite enjoyed it. Late nights with no one around meant quite a bit of reading, and I caught up on a good bit of classics I missed out on when younger. In particular, Animal Farm was a delight. It probably isn't what Orwell intended, but I have an affinity for Boxer (under oppression and without a significant chance of overthrowing those in power, what Boxer does is likely the most admirable way forward?) and I like to think he informs how I view my role in the army. Oh, and Catch-22 to remind me never to take myself too seriously. I even liked the late night patrols by myself in the deserted complex. They felt like nice walks (and I've since grown to love random walks) where I can have my thoughts to myself, only I also had a pistol by my side and feeling semi-cool about it (isn't it every kid's dream to emulate the cops in cop shows?).
Post-army/pre-uni was a cool period. Loads of time to hang out (I recall fondly chilling out with Ashleigh and some great conversations. I'm glad we still stayed in contact throughout the years even though there were periods of time where I wouldn't have bet on still seeing him semi-regularly in my life. I respect a lot of his thoughts and ideals than I often let on.)
2009-2010: Hiatus. NUS Year 1-2.
(Yellowcard went on hiatus some time after Paper Walls. There and then I thought it was probably the end of the band, and my connection with them will be just the 3 albums, of which the first I really liked.)
The first two years of NUS was a period of growth: at the start I really strove to develop myself in all aspects. Improving on my social skills in different arenas through orientation, GEP (such a terrible acronym) activities, Operation Orion OCIP, organizing for the next year, meeting professors, conferences, being a TA for a class and many more. These days I've settled pretty much into a routine that plays to my strengths as a person, but if there's ever a need for some of the more "normal, human soft skills" I think I haven't done too bad of a job developing those in this period. Academia itself also holds a special place in my heart. There are still the go-getters amongst them, but for the most part you have loads of awkward but very smart people devoting their lives to study things they are interested it; in a sense the ideal version I wish of myself.
Academically the first semester was especially interesting with Prof Koh's Engineering Mathematics class, Prof Saeys' Chemical Engineering Class (sadly probably the only ChE class I truly enjoyed) and Prof Holbo's philosophy class. Diving into pure mathematics the next semester taking Mathematical Analysis with Shiu Hei turned out to be my first foray into the joy of pure mathematics. The choice was initially just to take a course with a good friend (and even better if it's an area I loved but have "forsaken"), but I guess it's sometimes fun when you can't just predict where life goes.
2011: When You're Through Thinking, Say Yes. NUS Year 2 (Exchange)
Growing up has just begun; ... ; And we'll forever be the young(The band regrouped and released the latest album while I was on exchange in Illinois. I loved it immensely and got to see them perform my first concert live in Chicago. It was an awesome time.)
Going to Austin, Texas for summer was an awesome experience. First time abroad for a semi-extended period of time, first time living in a dorm communally (outside of army). And the setting worked out fantastic: a bunch of students, most not knowing anyone else, thrown together to study something pretty cool (oh the beautiful blow glow of a nuclear reactor). There were loads of memorable experiences: American football with Joseph, Solomon and others, dozing off at the back of class with Marvin, touring small town Texas with John, Li Hsia and Babacar, hanging out with the Tims (Chan and Ault), Brady introducing me to Dublin Dr Pepper, the most awesome beverage in the world, my first road trip to Houston with Gim Hoe and Hui Yong, geeking out at NASA, indulging my lower sec self watching WWE live, Disneyland with friends for the first time (vs family), all the best eggs (breakfast burritos, eggs Benedict), enjoying a chill baseball match, ...
Very soon after there was exchange at Urbana-Champaign, Illinois. Living in winter was cool in every sense of the word and I found a lot of comfort treading on soft snow to and from school (I'm sure it didn't feel so on those cold, cold days though, like shivering every night for a week because the room heating wasn't fully working (we thought that was just how winter is) and screaming while taking a shower without hot water (turns out I was the only one dumb enough to not skip it when the heater goes down)). The summer program has satiated both the desire to get to know more people from different cultures and knowing that I can do that, so this exchange was more focused on the people from Singapore (coming from NUS and in the Singapore community there) and academics.
Living for an extended period of time alone (amongst friends) was probably the main takeaway from the trip. Chores like laundry (it's actually so easy going to the laundromat, plus carrying warm clothes back from the heater is such a wonderful, simple pleasure) and cleaning (given my tolerances I didn't need to do it that often) wasn't as tough as my Mom has made it out to be. And despite minor gripes I truly loved our arrangement staying with Wei Nian, Gim Hoe and Hao Ran in an apartment. On my more social days/nights I will hang out in the living room channel surfing, happy to have conversations with whoever is out and about and for me-time I'd just retreat into my room where I'd only be disturbed when there's something of substance. If I had another go at it I would probably be more upfront and less of an ass on the occasions where I didn't want to go along with the crowd but ultimately it was probably my favorite six-month stretch.
Socially I really enjoyed the regular lunch sessions with Carmen, Xia Sha and Sam Koch, the semi-regular Rock Band nights that no doubt irritated the hell out of our neighbors, the BBQ gathering and sports with the Singaporeans, traveling around (road trips! Though I still rue not going to Disney World for spring break) and many a Jazz night at bars pondering about life over alcohol. The alone-time part was as, if not more, important: pick-up basketball at the Gym, solo trips to Indiana to watch the Pacers during playoffs and Wisconsin to find Kee Guan and Clement, breaking off the main group during spring break for dinner with Kenneth Low in New York and with Thearin in Boston, discovering podcasts as the perfect meal time companion, my first time going to a full service restaurant alone and my favorite of all: the 36-hour Amtrak ride from Chicago to Salt Lake City I'd totally love to experience again.
Living for an extended period of time alone (amongst friends) was probably the main takeaway from the trip. Chores like laundry (it's actually so easy going to the laundromat, plus carrying warm clothes back from the heater is such a wonderful, simple pleasure) and cleaning (given my tolerances I didn't need to do it that often) wasn't as tough as my Mom has made it out to be. And despite minor gripes I truly loved our arrangement staying with Wei Nian, Gim Hoe and Hao Ran in an apartment. On my more social days/nights I will hang out in the living room channel surfing, happy to have conversations with whoever is out and about and for me-time I'd just retreat into my room where I'd only be disturbed when there's something of substance. If I had another go at it I would probably be more upfront and less of an ass on the occasions where I didn't want to go along with the crowd but ultimately it was probably my favorite six-month stretch.
Socially I really enjoyed the regular lunch sessions with Carmen, Xia Sha and Sam Koch, the semi-regular Rock Band nights that no doubt irritated the hell out of our neighbors, the BBQ gathering and sports with the Singaporeans, traveling around (road trips! Though I still rue not going to Disney World for spring break) and many a Jazz night at bars pondering about life over alcohol. The alone-time part was as, if not more, important: pick-up basketball at the Gym, solo trips to Indiana to watch the Pacers during playoffs and Wisconsin to find Kee Guan and Clement, breaking off the main group during spring break for dinner with Kenneth Low in New York and with Thearin in Boston, discovering podcasts as the perfect meal time companion, my first time going to a full service restaurant alone and my favorite of all: the 36-hour Amtrak ride from Chicago to Salt Lake City I'd totally love to experience again.
It is also this period of time I began to realize that I probably want to work in Math for the rest of my life. Taking Mathematical Analysis with Shiu Hei was at that time a fun diversion, but taking Graph Theory under Prof Kostochka was simply a wonderful time. Classes at the rustic Altgeld Hall where I often took my favorite spot beside the steam radiators was especially memorable. It was rigorous and tough, but no doubt my favorite memory academically. The quirks are most memorable (Prof Kostochka's Eastern European accent, him knowing almost every student by name when I swear we've only told him our names in passing once) but I recall how intense each 1-hour lesson felt trying to understand all the proofs. When I found myself spending almost all academic time/effort on Math (with Philosophy/Ethics class a distant second) and almost zero on the Chem Eng courses that was when I reconsidered where my academic/professional life was going.
2012: Southern Air. NUS Year 3.
Bottoms up tonight; I drink to you and I; 'Cause with the morning comes the rest of my life(Hot on the heels of a great album in When You're Through Thinking, the band released another one of favorite albums in Southern Air. The quick flurry of two albums was kind of like my final undergrad year: loads of hard work and the year going past before I even knew it (barring a short period of another burn out with FYP). Got to see Yellowcard live in Singapore to cap off graduation too!)
As in the blurb the year flew past in a flash: lots of hard work to complete the course requirements. By the time I was almost certain engineering is not where I'd continue; if I was in anything but my final year I probably will have tried to switch course. Doing work just for the sake of completing my degree wasn't exactly the most fun, but I was decent at it so it wasn't the worst either. Unfortunately I burned myself out again in the latter stages of FYP, but I don't regret the choice of working under one of the smartest Profs around, only that I should really learn to work with people more and voice out concerns sooner before they hit me hard. I don't know if it's out of sympathy, obligation or if my earlier work and last minute wrap up was enough but I scrapped through just enough for first class honors. Not that it matters much, I suppose.
I was also down the path to being a teacher with MOE and was one acceptance letter away from that. Sometimes I wonder how that alternative time line will look like: while I cannot see myself waking up before 7 every morning the ability to reach out to more people and potentially make a bigger impact was and still is a draw. I would probably have agreed if they offered me a JC teaching position. Ultimately the offer of a secondary school position and an unresponsive HR meant I couldn't accept the offer. Sometimes when teachers bemoan the lack of teaching and the copious amount of admin work they do I think I may have just made the right choice, but you do wonder about the flip side from time to time.
2013: Ocean Avenue Acoustic. Gap Year.
Back home I always thought I wanted so much more, now I'm not too sure(After rushing to complete my B.Eng. a year early under the GEP, I took a year off after deciding not to take up MOE's offer. Thereafter I decided to go for a Masters in Math and took a gap year where I used whatever free time between teaching tuition to read up on undergrad Math I haven't been exposed to. Ocean Avenue Acoustic was a revisiting of my favorite album ever so it was sort of a parallel to revisiting my favorite subject growing up.)
The year was pretty much summed up by the above. Teaching tuition full time allowed me loads of me-time, and I enjoyed being able to do a lot of the things I usually leave by the wayside once commitments take up enough time/effort. Things like ample sleep, me-time just lazing around/surfing the web/letting my mind wander are non-negotiable, but when I have the time to do things like swim and read it usually mean life is good.
Oh. And I was also in a period of introspection then, and realized that there was just one last thing I would totally regret not experiencing. So I went out and did it, and I can consider my bucket list fulfilled.
2014-2015: Lift a Sail. Masters.
If a cold wind starts to rise; I am ready now, I am ready now; With the last sail lifted high; I am ready now, I am ready now(Unfortunately I didn't like this album so much, which runs parallel to a difficulty juggling tuition with a full time Masters program. I switched to part time from the second semester, and concurrently the song Lift a Sail started shining through as one of my favorite songs of all time.)
The Dunning Kruger effect: incompetent individuals are so incompetent they cannot assess that they are incompetent. I guess I wouldn't describe myself as incompetent, but I underestimated the transition from engineering to pure math (vs applied math) and overestimated my knowledge and abilities. That, failing to get in school housing (though finally getting a room in a foreign student dorm nearby after initially told they don't accept Singaporeans) and the time commitment of teaching meant the first semester was tough. But not unrewarding. I switched to part time and by the third semester have mastered the ideas behind. It was mildly amusing experiencing the Peter principle as an agent for the last few courses too: I enjoyed knowing my ego could handle knowing half the class is smarter. It's a pity the Profs I wanted to worked with either retired or went on sabbaticals so my yearn for eventually producing original work will have to take a harder path. But the journey's all the fun, isn't it.
2016-Present: Yellowcard.
But I know I love the way you make me feel like I'm at home; And I am not alone
(All good things have to come to an end and Yellowcard announced that they will be breaking up after this last album and World Tour. Most things, sadly, don't have a nice closure to wrap things up so it is especially meaningful for me to be able to do that for this aspect of my life in Cologne and later in Singapore. Thanks for the memories)
I've settled into some sort of rhythm: teaching pays the bills, doing math feeds the sense of self, and travel broadens the soul as well as nourishes the hedonistic self. It was interesting during countdown in 2015/2016 in Italy Sam was asking about how the year went and I rated life then as a 9. I am still learning, still growing but for the most part am happy with how everything has turned out and how it projects into the near future. I would now rate my current life at a 9.5 even, but let's hope I can bump that up to a 9.9 soon.
I've settled into some sort of rhythm: teaching pays the bills, doing math feeds the sense of self, and travel broadens the soul as well as nourishes the hedonistic self. It was interesting during countdown in 2015/2016 in Italy Sam was asking about how the year went and I rated life then as a 9. I am still learning, still growing but for the most part am happy with how everything has turned out and how it projects into the near future. I would now rate my current life at a 9.5 even, but let's hope I can bump that up to a 9.9 soon.
Encore: Gifts and Curses
Growing up Gifts and Curses was my favorite song. The instrumental/violin solo in the middle is a work of beauty, but more than that, the line this gift is my curse for now especially resonated. As I recounted all these memories and major events a big underlying theme was not quite fitting in, not quite knowing how everyone and everything else worked. And a big part of it I've attributed to the gift of using logic and analysis as a big part of how I seek to understand the world. I would give nothing away for that, and it has helped me immensely in areas like academics, my sense of self and learning. But at the same time it played a part in not understanding people and not being understood myself. Some days it feels like a curse not able to quite give yourself in to pursuits unquestioningly, and join the rest of the world being "normal".
Hearing the song live in Cologne (it almost never get played at other shows before this final world tour) was a dream but over the past few days I've realized it no longer resonates as much. Over the years I've gone from the weird boy who couldn't quite fit in to the semi-awkward guy who did a semi-respectable job of faking it to the present me who have embraced that I am not like most people and do not want to be like them. This gift is my curse for now, of a lamenting acceptance, is no longer as powerful. Instead I look forward to continued growth and tackling whatever challenges come my way. If a cold wind starts to rise; I am ready now, I am ready now; With the last sail lifted high; I am ready now, I am ready now. (I hope) I am ready now.
Growing up Gifts and Curses was my favorite song. The instrumental/violin solo in the middle is a work of beauty, but more than that, the line this gift is my curse for now especially resonated. As I recounted all these memories and major events a big underlying theme was not quite fitting in, not quite knowing how everyone and everything else worked. And a big part of it I've attributed to the gift of using logic and analysis as a big part of how I seek to understand the world. I would give nothing away for that, and it has helped me immensely in areas like academics, my sense of self and learning. But at the same time it played a part in not understanding people and not being understood myself. Some days it feels like a curse not able to quite give yourself in to pursuits unquestioningly, and join the rest of the world being "normal".
Hearing the song live in Cologne (it almost never get played at other shows before this final world tour) was a dream but over the past few days I've realized it no longer resonates as much. Over the years I've gone from the weird boy who couldn't quite fit in to the semi-awkward guy who did a semi-respectable job of faking it to the present me who have embraced that I am not like most people and do not want to be like them. This gift is my curse for now, of a lamenting acceptance, is no longer as powerful. Instead I look forward to continued growth and tackling whatever challenges come my way. If a cold wind starts to rise; I am ready now, I am ready now; With the last sail lifted high; I am ready now, I am ready now. (I hope) I am ready now.
