Monday, September 06, 2010
Because Maybe...
man am i high now... who knows coffee can have such a big impact. even in the previous caffeine-rushes i haven't felt like this before. it almost feels like i've downed a whole bottle of wine, only i'm still walking straight (i THINK). and all because the words "venti" instead of "tall" slipped out of my head when ordering (and i've already had a piccolo latte at oriole before that)...
but i guess it feels good for now (though terrible at the same time). and i guess it's these contradictory feelings that has been with me the past few days... school's been good and i'm learning interesting things but at the same time i'm hating it all. i've tried to rationalize it but somehow it just doesn't add up. i try to put it down to the "engineering" rather than "science" way of teaching but would i have been satisfied if i'm doing science now? maybe i've just bitten off more than i can chew but i'm sure (and i'd like to think that) i'm better than that. maybe i simply burnt myself out not idling the vacation away but doing the (super slack) special sem and summer programme in austin, but will i want it any other way? maybe it will settle itself after the dust settles like the last time i felt this during aj times and hopefully it will be before things get out of hand
and i guess that's what falling's all about: you just don't see it coming and you don't know how deep's it's gonna be. i don't know why i feel so convinced this time around (maybe it's the benefit of hindsight for the previous times) but it just feels so right yet so wrong. and as much as i love the semi-"jetsetting" life i wonder if this will turn out to be a recurring theme in my life
man does this feel good. i'd probably succumb to substance abuse one day. but til then...
but i guess it feels good for now (though terrible at the same time). and i guess it's these contradictory feelings that has been with me the past few days... school's been good and i'm learning interesting things but at the same time i'm hating it all. i've tried to rationalize it but somehow it just doesn't add up. i try to put it down to the "engineering" rather than "science" way of teaching but would i have been satisfied if i'm doing science now? maybe i've just bitten off more than i can chew but i'm sure (and i'd like to think that) i'm better than that. maybe i simply burnt myself out not idling the vacation away but doing the (super slack) special sem and summer programme in austin, but will i want it any other way? maybe it will settle itself after the dust settles like the last time i felt this during aj times and hopefully it will be before things get out of hand
and i guess that's what falling's all about: you just don't see it coming and you don't know how deep's it's gonna be. i don't know why i feel so convinced this time around (maybe it's the benefit of hindsight for the previous times) but it just feels so right yet so wrong. and as much as i love the semi-"jetsetting" life i wonder if this will turn out to be a recurring theme in my life
man does this feel good. i'd probably succumb to substance abuse one day. but til then...
