Sunday, August 10, 2008
'Cos knowing it doesn't make it any less painful
i always make the mistake of delaying the transition between the blog ideas and all the planned stuff while travelling and all and the actual typing of it and everything. so now here i am with sth i think i should pen down but i'm no longer in the same mood to get everything accurately enough to do it justice. doing an emo post when you're happy just won't work. guess i'd just go through a few main points and leave out the things in between
well, it isn't so much of the extremes this time. so, yeah, the past two or three weeks haven't been too kind to me. was kinda down most of the time. the big day is edging close ever but it just won't come fast enough. and sadly the euphorism that started from like 8 months before ord just won't last anymore. been pretty grumpy/deperessed/emo/downtrodden/combination of the above recently. don't really feel like exploring the causes, etc, so yeah. though they'd probably never read this, i just wish to apologise to my section/people who might have worked with me for being so grumpy and judgemental the recent weeks. dunno why this mood have set in also, and when it comes there's no stopping it
well, something happened a few days back, which will probably be the main point of my post. so, yeah, i got the best soldier of the month at my platoon for this month. (it's really saddenning to think bout the thoughts that pour into some pathetic army thing that doesn't really mean anything. everyone, me included, is always the first to downplay the significance of it but sadly, everyone still do care bout it which, ironically can be seen from the way we deny the importance of it). was quite a long, stretched out saga on my imagination's part but guess i'd skip the earlier stuff.
so, yeah, around late september sgt louis sent an email to my plt commander recommending one of my batch mates for the award. well, let's just say he isn't the most well liked guy at our place (or during the mp course also) and his work rate is also average at best. so it kinda caused some sort of a furore over the men at my place when we saw that email. it was the topic in town for the next few days. well, it went both sides, the effusing of how they think he doesn't deserve the award and the teasing him of getting the award when in front of him.
well, maybe i ought to give a bit of back story too. usually the way the best soldier thing at my place is chosen is a joke. all too often it just rotates among the different sections, going to the 'lao jiaos' who haven't tarnished their reputations too much. once in a while our plt commander will have a mind of his own and just submit his choice to the clerk. other times it's usually a nomination from one of the specs going unopposed. so, yeah, when we saw that recommendation email in our oa we all thought it was kinda like 90% done deal already.
and then, lo and behold after a commander's meeting at my place. well, i should furnish the post with my opinion on the whole issue. well, that batch mate of mine isn't exactly my best buddy at my place during mp course or at gombak and i don't have the best of opinions bout some of his work ethics. but i guess i'm on pretty friendly terms with him (and more so when you look at some of his relations with others). we can hold a decent conversation when we're on duty together/just happen to be at the same place and i don't particularly habor any hostile intentions against him (well, i probably don't towards almost everyone in the platoon but that's not the point)
but, all things considered, he has done nothing that deserves this whole saga. he isn't the best of workers, but it isn't his fault for just being who he is. and he certainly didn't jump around asking to be nominated and given the award. but just 'cause of the way things turned out he was thrust into the position. and deny as anyone in such a situation will but slowly all the teasing and stuff will get to one's head. we may all vehemently deny all the teases by raising the doubt surrounding it but unconciously our ego all slowly takes ownership of the item in question. so, what i felt was doing the 180 degree turn at the last minute during the meeting was like a slap on his face (and it didn't help that one $%@! spec even teased him over it, like offering him the best soldier badge and then saying eh, the person is no longer him). he certainly did nothing to deserve this...
and during this saga i can't help but remember and draw parallels to another incident that happened earlier on in my life. that time where they awarded me the top in level when it was obvious hongyi scored the higher marks... well, the situation is slightly different in this case but i can't help but notice the similarities... am i always bound to win in such circumstances, snatching away other people's deserved glory? must i draw success benefitting from others' demise and not win purely because i deserved it and have put my effort into it?
it just makes me think... you know, there are certain themes that frequently reoccur in certain people's life that kinda leaves a hallmark on them, something you'd always associate them with. you think bout people like tiger woods and lance armstrong and you can only associate him with success, be it from golf, all the tour de france victories or the battle with testicular cancer (let's not mention the doping scandals/rumors for argument sake). then when you think of others like george bush/saddam hussein and you can see the bullies/tyrants in them, always insisting on doing things their way. then you've got the sidekicks, always quietly helping some more recognisable figures on the sidelines; the chokers, always doing well but falling right at the last hurdle; the eccentric; the losers, yada, yada. fortunately or unfortunately those people are often stuck with a theme that they cannot disocciate themselves with and it sticks with them for life. and makes you wonder, doesn't it... what's gonna be the story underneath MY life?
i sure hope that this won't be mine...
(P.S. and this issue kinda like reenforced my warped idea of losing being sweet and romantic [note that these adjectives to equate to being good and better than winning per se] perhaps it's these empty victories that have shaped me to actually enjoy losing as perverse as it sounds. but i guess it's probably more a result of the things we are brought up into... when the drunken poets, penniless artists and vagabond bards are who write our books, songs and art pieces and allowed to shape so much of culture, i tend to be able to connect with them better than those picky, unscrupulous successful buisinessman)
(P.P.S. grr, i'm starting to make less and less sense. it's kinda romantic in some sort of way and sad mostly how i've realised that almost, if not all of my blog posts this yr have been alcohol infused. sadly this will not be an exception.... peace out efore i start speaking/typing/whatevering gibberish....)
well, it isn't so much of the extremes this time. so, yeah, the past two or three weeks haven't been too kind to me. was kinda down most of the time. the big day is edging close ever but it just won't come fast enough. and sadly the euphorism that started from like 8 months before ord just won't last anymore. been pretty grumpy/deperessed/emo/downtrodden/combination of the above recently. don't really feel like exploring the causes, etc, so yeah. though they'd probably never read this, i just wish to apologise to my section/people who might have worked with me for being so grumpy and judgemental the recent weeks. dunno why this mood have set in also, and when it comes there's no stopping it
well, something happened a few days back, which will probably be the main point of my post. so, yeah, i got the best soldier of the month at my platoon for this month. (it's really saddenning to think bout the thoughts that pour into some pathetic army thing that doesn't really mean anything. everyone, me included, is always the first to downplay the significance of it but sadly, everyone still do care bout it which, ironically can be seen from the way we deny the importance of it). was quite a long, stretched out saga on my imagination's part but guess i'd skip the earlier stuff.
so, yeah, around late september sgt louis sent an email to my plt commander recommending one of my batch mates for the award. well, let's just say he isn't the most well liked guy at our place (or during the mp course also) and his work rate is also average at best. so it kinda caused some sort of a furore over the men at my place when we saw that email. it was the topic in town for the next few days. well, it went both sides, the effusing of how they think he doesn't deserve the award and the teasing him of getting the award when in front of him.
well, maybe i ought to give a bit of back story too. usually the way the best soldier thing at my place is chosen is a joke. all too often it just rotates among the different sections, going to the 'lao jiaos' who haven't tarnished their reputations too much. once in a while our plt commander will have a mind of his own and just submit his choice to the clerk. other times it's usually a nomination from one of the specs going unopposed. so, yeah, when we saw that recommendation email in our oa we all thought it was kinda like 90% done deal already.
and then, lo and behold after a commander's meeting at my place. well, i should furnish the post with my opinion on the whole issue. well, that batch mate of mine isn't exactly my best buddy at my place during mp course or at gombak and i don't have the best of opinions bout some of his work ethics. but i guess i'm on pretty friendly terms with him (and more so when you look at some of his relations with others). we can hold a decent conversation when we're on duty together/just happen to be at the same place and i don't particularly habor any hostile intentions against him (well, i probably don't towards almost everyone in the platoon but that's not the point)
but, all things considered, he has done nothing that deserves this whole saga. he isn't the best of workers, but it isn't his fault for just being who he is. and he certainly didn't jump around asking to be nominated and given the award. but just 'cause of the way things turned out he was thrust into the position. and deny as anyone in such a situation will but slowly all the teasing and stuff will get to one's head. we may all vehemently deny all the teases by raising the doubt surrounding it but unconciously our ego all slowly takes ownership of the item in question. so, what i felt was doing the 180 degree turn at the last minute during the meeting was like a slap on his face (and it didn't help that one $%@! spec even teased him over it, like offering him the best soldier badge and then saying eh, the person is no longer him). he certainly did nothing to deserve this...
and during this saga i can't help but remember and draw parallels to another incident that happened earlier on in my life. that time where they awarded me the top in level when it was obvious hongyi scored the higher marks... well, the situation is slightly different in this case but i can't help but notice the similarities... am i always bound to win in such circumstances, snatching away other people's deserved glory? must i draw success benefitting from others' demise and not win purely because i deserved it and have put my effort into it?
it just makes me think... you know, there are certain themes that frequently reoccur in certain people's life that kinda leaves a hallmark on them, something you'd always associate them with. you think bout people like tiger woods and lance armstrong and you can only associate him with success, be it from golf, all the tour de france victories or the battle with testicular cancer (let's not mention the doping scandals/rumors for argument sake). then when you think of others like george bush/saddam hussein and you can see the bullies/tyrants in them, always insisting on doing things their way. then you've got the sidekicks, always quietly helping some more recognisable figures on the sidelines; the chokers, always doing well but falling right at the last hurdle; the eccentric; the losers, yada, yada. fortunately or unfortunately those people are often stuck with a theme that they cannot disocciate themselves with and it sticks with them for life. and makes you wonder, doesn't it... what's gonna be the story underneath MY life?
i sure hope that this won't be mine...
(P.S. and this issue kinda like reenforced my warped idea of losing being sweet and romantic [note that these adjectives to equate to being good and better than winning per se] perhaps it's these empty victories that have shaped me to actually enjoy losing as perverse as it sounds. but i guess it's probably more a result of the things we are brought up into... when the drunken poets, penniless artists and vagabond bards are who write our books, songs and art pieces and allowed to shape so much of culture, i tend to be able to connect with them better than those picky, unscrupulous successful buisinessman)
(P.P.S. grr, i'm starting to make less and less sense. it's kinda romantic in some sort of way and sad mostly how i've realised that almost, if not all of my blog posts this yr have been alcohol infused. sadly this will not be an exception.... peace out efore i start speaking/typing/whatevering gibberish....)
