Saturday, February 16, 2008
Sore Loser
the past month i've seen another one of my own-held beliefs bout myself shatter. it's another one of those moments... we all like to think of ourselves as a certain kind of person (well, at least i do anyway), possess certain characteristics and all... most of the time they're probably true for the most part. after all, one knows oneself best. but sometimes, there are those moments where you just can't help but act a certain way. it's against what you think you'd do, and you know it when you're in the act, but somehow it's just the way you react and there's no stopping it. sometimes i wonder if that's maybe because we constantly think of who we want to be and works towards that. sometimes we really do change and achieve it, but other times maybe it just doesn't work, but we're so clamoured by those aspirations that unknowingly we think we're there already... there's nothing wrong with it i guess. it's the process of self-discovery when we find out our long-held notions shattered. but sometimes i guess i do feel a li'l pensive that i'm not actually the guy i thought i was
the center of it this time is how much of a sore loser i am. nothing wrong with that, after all i feel that many successful people are sore losers at heart. they just can't take losses and strive and do everything they can to change the situation and turn out true winners at the end of it. my fave football players are probably all sore losers too. but i've always thought that i'm above losing. that i'm actually not very competitive (after all, i abhor competitive people and avoid them like the plague) and that winning and losing isn't everything. it's the other things that are more important. i guess that stemmed from the yangqin and ruan experience during primary school. it was fun and all, until all the over-emphasis on competitions, winning and all made me start to lose interest. on hindsight, maybe it was just a convenient excuse to hide behind when i really just couldn't take the tough preparation and time sacrificed, but i'd never know for sure. maybe it was reinforced during my bball time at sec sch too, where my struggles to make the team meant that feeling like i'm valued and can contribute sth outweighed my competitive streak. i don't know.
but recently. wow. first was the cohesion games. it was just a simple game of captain's ball. and yes, we had high hopes of winning (our evil plan of trying to get an off haha) but i knew deep down plt 2 were prob stronger and after all, it's just a game. but i guess the sore loser in me got the better of me during it. i haven't felt the indamnation of defeat so badly for a long time. sure, i didn't cook up a fuss or anything but i thought i should be able to just put it away and get on with other stuff. but no. it was like while we were trailing the few points throughout the match i tried to unwisely take matters into my own hand and try too much when a calmer mind would have been able to think more clearly and not let the heat of the moment influence my game. when the game was paused during the two injuries i just wanted to get on with the game when i should be more concerned and should even be able to accept it being cancelled cos it's prob a li'l too dangerous. and when the whistle blew for game over i just walked away. can't bear to congratulate the other team. can't joke it away like my other friends. lol. i'm probably exaggerating my response. but, yeah. i can imagine if the stakes were higher. let's say i'm a competitive sports person. i probably can't bear to shake hands with the other team and would walk immediately off the pitch after losing. even roy keane don't do that haha.
then the thing with work also. haha. i hate to admit i felt bad the first few minutes when saw let me in on the news tt ww is getting bs for the month. i like to put it to the effects of having just woken up and it is combined with an earlier disappointment. but deep down i guess i know that i'm just sore that he got it earlier than i did. i can't say he didn't deserve it, and i should be happy for him, but at that moment i just can't (thankfully it didn't last that long that feeling). it was like the feeling of being overlooked. haha. oh well. it got the whole plt talking bout it anyway. skipping 3 full batches to him when seniority used to rule at the place.
then just now just lost a bout of mahjong to my family. lol. getting worked up over a friendly game with my family of all things! yeah. it's like normally when u play u kinda can estimate how much you've won/lost. so even the times where i lost a lot i didn't feel that bad except just sad for my wallet. but today haha. i only lost a fair bit compared to a few other occasions. but i didn't think i'd lost that much. my estimation was off by bout 3 times or so. i just didn't want to admit defeat. it's like there must be something wrong somewhere. they helped me settle the starting chips and i didn't count. it's probably counted wrongly. there must be some other reason... haha. i felt like a 3 yr old. but oh well
as i've mentioned earlier. nth wrong with being a sore loser as long as i don't let it overly affect me. can channel those energies into sth positive. a drive for success and stuff. but haha. am just laughing at myself these days thinking of how wrong i was
the center of it this time is how much of a sore loser i am. nothing wrong with that, after all i feel that many successful people are sore losers at heart. they just can't take losses and strive and do everything they can to change the situation and turn out true winners at the end of it. my fave football players are probably all sore losers too. but i've always thought that i'm above losing. that i'm actually not very competitive (after all, i abhor competitive people and avoid them like the plague) and that winning and losing isn't everything. it's the other things that are more important. i guess that stemmed from the yangqin and ruan experience during primary school. it was fun and all, until all the over-emphasis on competitions, winning and all made me start to lose interest. on hindsight, maybe it was just a convenient excuse to hide behind when i really just couldn't take the tough preparation and time sacrificed, but i'd never know for sure. maybe it was reinforced during my bball time at sec sch too, where my struggles to make the team meant that feeling like i'm valued and can contribute sth outweighed my competitive streak. i don't know.
but recently. wow. first was the cohesion games. it was just a simple game of captain's ball. and yes, we had high hopes of winning (our evil plan of trying to get an off haha) but i knew deep down plt 2 were prob stronger and after all, it's just a game. but i guess the sore loser in me got the better of me during it. i haven't felt the indamnation of defeat so badly for a long time. sure, i didn't cook up a fuss or anything but i thought i should be able to just put it away and get on with other stuff. but no. it was like while we were trailing the few points throughout the match i tried to unwisely take matters into my own hand and try too much when a calmer mind would have been able to think more clearly and not let the heat of the moment influence my game. when the game was paused during the two injuries i just wanted to get on with the game when i should be more concerned and should even be able to accept it being cancelled cos it's prob a li'l too dangerous. and when the whistle blew for game over i just walked away. can't bear to congratulate the other team. can't joke it away like my other friends. lol. i'm probably exaggerating my response. but, yeah. i can imagine if the stakes were higher. let's say i'm a competitive sports person. i probably can't bear to shake hands with the other team and would walk immediately off the pitch after losing. even roy keane don't do that haha.
then the thing with work also. haha. i hate to admit i felt bad the first few minutes when saw let me in on the news tt ww is getting bs for the month. i like to put it to the effects of having just woken up and it is combined with an earlier disappointment. but deep down i guess i know that i'm just sore that he got it earlier than i did. i can't say he didn't deserve it, and i should be happy for him, but at that moment i just can't (thankfully it didn't last that long that feeling). it was like the feeling of being overlooked. haha. oh well. it got the whole plt talking bout it anyway. skipping 3 full batches to him when seniority used to rule at the place.
then just now just lost a bout of mahjong to my family. lol. getting worked up over a friendly game with my family of all things! yeah. it's like normally when u play u kinda can estimate how much you've won/lost. so even the times where i lost a lot i didn't feel that bad except just sad for my wallet. but today haha. i only lost a fair bit compared to a few other occasions. but i didn't think i'd lost that much. my estimation was off by bout 3 times or so. i just didn't want to admit defeat. it's like there must be something wrong somewhere. they helped me settle the starting chips and i didn't count. it's probably counted wrongly. there must be some other reason... haha. i felt like a 3 yr old. but oh well
as i've mentioned earlier. nth wrong with being a sore loser as long as i don't let it overly affect me. can channel those energies into sth positive. a drive for success and stuff. but haha. am just laughing at myself these days thinking of how wrong i was
